Punishment for inappropriate computer use?

[NotUrsula]

I agree. As to Grandma's computer -- it isn't that he was that desperate, it was that he assumed that someone as old as Grandma was less likely to know how to follow his tracks, and therefore he had a better chance of getting away with it there. Kids are not so stupid that they don't know that the easiest way to get away with cyber-misbehaviour of any kind is to use the computer of someone who knows very little about computers.

The poster who feels so strongly that this was gateway behaviour also made several religious references, which tells me that the POV being taken is probably that looking at naked people you don't know is morally wrong in any and all circumstances. I don't happen to share that POV. While some porn is just execreble in general, there is plenty of erotica out there that is in excellent taste, and I don't happen to mind if DS (or DH, for that matter) spends time looking at it. The key is that there is a time and a place for that sort of thing, and I would hope to successfully make it clear to DS what the boundaries are.

 

[Pumbaa_]

The stuff out there now is graphic and hard core. And so not appropriate for anyone but especially impressionable kids. Twisted view of women and sex

Time to also have a conversation about sexting and how it can lead to jail time. As well as email pics etc

The world has changed so dramatically in such a short time

Back in the day was sneaking looks at playboy. Now it is getting teen girls to send a nekkid pic and wham! childporn. Send it to a buddy wink wink and youhave much harsher charges

Mom you need to have some serious conversations with your son and he needs to be disconnected for a long period of time to understand the significance of what he has done

And i would contact his friends parents to make sure he is not using pcs at their houses too. I doubt he is in this alone

Good luck!

 

[clarabelle]

I would at some point discuss the whole "women as sexual objects" thing as well.
Lots of frank open discussions about respecting women and how your family views these things.
Also what rape is, what is illegal in your state things like that

 

[LukenDC]

People have been looking at porn for thousands of years. Porn is a part of human society and will remain so.

The Internet can be downright dangerous for young people and many adults. Violent porn, stalkers, pedophiles, viruses, spy ware, etc. are easily found online. I'd worry about a young person online without supervision because they do not have enough knowledge to protect themselves from the darker side of human nature.

My very prim and proper grandmother shocked me when she revealed that she had purchased a Playboy subscription for my dad when he was a teen. This must have been in the early to mid-1960s. I asked my dad about it, but he said that it never happened and that she was crazy. Still, it's a funny story.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

I don't have kids (so take my advice with a grain of salt) but I would take away the computer completely (like C.Ann said it proves consistency).

I wouldn't buy him Playboy or any other material because honestly, with as much porn as he's already viewed he should have plenty stored into his memory to last until he can purchase his own computer (or Playboy subscription) and watch whatever he wants .

My brother had posters all over his room of sports people when he was a teen. One day I was walking by his room and all of these naked girls were on the walls. He had put full length, poster sized naked women on his wall behind the sports posters and had forgotten to put them back up (where he got these posters I have no idea). Very creative but very forgetful.

 

[Starbrite]

OP Here.


Yes, I did take away his computer (and any rights to mine) for the entire summer. At that time, he'll be using it in public areas.

It's not so much what he was looking at.....while I don't agree with it, it's fairly normal to be curious at this age. But it's the fact that he was warned, we had this talk, he knew there would be consequences.

The stuff out there now is graphic and hard core. And so not appropriate for anyone but especially impressionable kids.

Oh yes, this was much different stuff than when he googled 2 years ago.

Time to also have a conversation about sexting and how it can lead to jail time. As well as email pics etc

Funny you should mention this. There was a big incident in his school just 3 weeks ago. (He was not involved - I am 100% certain) It involved several kids, juvenile detention, police, news media, etc. We talked & talked & talked 'til I was blue in the face.

 

[Guy Incognito]

OP Here.


Yes, I did take away his computer (and any rights to mine) for the entire summer. At that time, he'll be using it in public areas.

It's not so much what he was looking at.....while I don't agree with it, it's fairly normal to be curious at this age. But it's the fact that he was warned, we had this talk, he knew there would be consequences.





Oh yes, this was much different stuff than when he googled b00bies 2 years ago.

I guess he hasn't learned how to delete the internet browsing history/tracking cookies/etc yet

 

[NeverlandClub23]

Funny you should mention this. There was a big incident in his school just 3 weeks ago. (He was not involved - I am 100% certain) It involved several kids, juvenile detention, police, news media, etc. We talked & talked & talked 'til I was blue in the face.

MTV does a documentary type of show called True Life. One of the episodes recently was about sexting where this teenage boy was sent naked pics from his teenage girlfriend. They got in a fight and he ended up emailing the pics to some friends to get back at her which got emailed all over. The police were involved and ends up because of their ages (if I remember correctly he was 17 and she was either 15 or 16) this kid had to register as a sex offender, had to go to juvenile detention, go to sexual addiction classes, I believe got kicked out of school and can't get a job because of his sex offender status, and he can't live with his Dad (or parents?) because they live within so many feet of a school.

I never knew how crazy all of this sexting thing is (and how popular it is among teens) until I watched this show. Very eye opening.

 

[CookieGVB]

I've got one going on 14 that I haven't snagged for looking at porn yet. He's pretty crafty on the computer, so I wonder if he's hiding it somehow.

I don't have any advice. I think porn is one of those things where once most males are exposed to it, they'll always want more.

He's erasing the history. Count on it.

 

[mrodgers]

My boys are too young for this worry as of yet....

If they are young enough to sit on your lap looking up cute animal pictures on google images, don't have a brain fart and look up beavers....

Did that. Asked the girls what they wanted to look up. Giraffes.... Ok, great pictures, girls loved them. Horses..... great pictures, girls loved them. Elephants.... again, loved them. Kangaroo.... Sharks.... Lions.... and Tigers..... and.... Beavers, OH MY!

Whoops!

 

[AristocatFan]

Those of you half joking about playboy subscriptions or the like would not be laughing as much if you knew how many families have been destroyed by porn use, porn addiction, sex addiction, etc. in this country - and the whole world - and many or most of those (mostly) guys got started as young teens with magazines or now with the internet. There are ministries all of the place setup just to help people recovery from these addictions - just like AA or any other addiction. I have been involved in those ministries and have seen the damage it can cause - divorces, prison, and at least one person I knew who commited suicide. None of this should be a laughing matter. If your son is looking up things on even grandma's computer then I think he needs help NOW, not later.

I agree with Golf4food and think this should not be taken lightly. A friend of mine had this issue with her son at this age and kept laughing it off as 'boys will be boys'. Then last year, at the age of 15, she discovered he had been skipping classes and leaving the house at night to go have sex with an 17 year old girl.

 

[jfoofj]

If they are young enough to sit on your lap looking up cute animal pictures on google images, don't have a brain fart and look up beavers....

Did that. Asked the girls what they wanted to look up. Giraffes.... Ok, great pictures, girls loved them. Horses..... great pictures, girls loved them. Elephants.... again, loved them. Kangaroo.... Sharks.... Lions.... and Tigers..... and.... Beavers, OH MY!

Whoops!

Oh MY! How did you play that one out?!?!? I did make the unfortunate mistake of TRYING to look up something online on the Dick's SPORTING GOOD's site once.... so glad the kids weren't in the room for that one.

 

[SKWDW]

I say take away the computer because he didn't follow your rules. He's been caught before, knew if it happened again he would be punished. But I wouldn't do it because it's porn. I know it's degrading, someones' sister/daughter/girlfriend but he's a teenaged boy. Who apparently is having some very adult feelings that won't be curtailed by treating him like a child.

Take the computer away, have your talk with him about the situation and then take it a step further. Tell him, "Since you're so interested in sex, we're going to talk aaaallllll about it". Then give him the responsible adult talk about emotions and sex, what it means etc. Then take it a step further than that. Have the birth control talk again. (assuming you already have) But this time show him some very vivid, full color pictures of various STD's and their effects. Then telk to him about pregnancy, being a teen parent, how much it sucks. How his life will be over. Then make him babysit a baby for a few hours.

I think since he is so willing to seee a bunch of people have sex on a computer or perform sexual acts, poses and show their goodies he's old enough to understand the repercussions of sex. While porn is not "real", sex is and can have some very serious repercussions. Because if he's looking at porn, he wants to have sex. And having sex comes with a potential boatload of problems. I guess my advice is to kinda head him off at the pass while you have a chance.

ITA with this advice. Taking his computer away is a given.

I think ksumn1's advice on the LONG and DETAILED talks would be very successful, and a more effective approach than shaming or guilting him as some others have suggested. I bet a boy his age will HATE having to have sex talks and view STD/pregnancy photos with his Mom. Plus, having the knowledge of those consequences certainly couldn't hurt!

Good luck!

 

[StitchFanZ]

Since its a third offense, I would be pretty harsh. He has knowingly broken the rules and as far as I'm concerned has lost your trust and completely disrespected his grandmother. Trust is something that he needs to re-earn once it has been lost. Let him know this can take years and that you will be contacting all the parents of any home he is visiting to let them know about the problem and your no internet rules.

I would take the computer away and not only that I would cancel internet service if he is ever at home alone. If you need internet or don't want to be that drastic, how do you get service? Is it a modem or thru something that you can physically remove from the house when you are not there? I'm saying this as most kids know how to delete logs and work around most parent security systems. If your internet provider or service can give you a log of every site visited from your home, you can let him know that you will be reviewing that as an alternative. The key is all internet usage needs to be to be logged somewhere that he cannot access. Kids are very computer savvy. If you are depending on logs on the given computer odds are he has already deleted them.

I would also let him know that if he breaks your no internet rules at school or anywhere else that you will be taking more away from him and that you will attend school with him and be his constant companion . If you can't do it then then a grandparent, another parent, or you will hire someone to fill the role of nanny and constant companion. He has proven himself to be nontrustworthy so obviously he needs someone to watch over him. This may seem harsh but I've worked in the computer industry - Unmonitored snuck in internet access where a kid has openly broken your rules is just like letting your kid hang out on the worst street corner in the worst part of the big city.

 

[Starbrite]

I would take the computer away and not only that I would cancel internet service if he is ever at home alone. If you need internet or don't want to be that drastic, how do you get service? Is it a modem or thru something that you can physically remove from the house when you are not there?

Well right now he's not staying home alone. I took his house key & dropped him off at Grandma's this morning. Thought he needed some extra family time for a while.

When he is allowed to be home alone again - but still without computer rights, I will take the computers with me. All we have in the house are 2 laptops - they both go with me when I leave. (Our router/modem, Cable TV & phone lines are all connected into one unit - removing it would shut it all down.) The internet svc is (has been) shut off in the TV and on his cell phone.

 

[kristilew]

I agree with Golf4food and think this should not be taken lightly. A friend of mine had this issue with her son at this age and kept laughing it off as 'boys will be boys'. Then last year, at the age of 15, she discovered he had been skipping classes and leaving the house at night to go have sex with an 17 year old girl.

Another vote for addressing the porn and not just the disobedience. Porn is an addiction. If you'd caught him with drugs three times, would you just take those drugs away, and buy him cigarettes? That's the equivalent with switching to Playboy.

Does your son routinely push you to the limit with rules? If so, then maybe this is simple disobedience. But if it's unusual for him to continue sneaking and lying after you've addressed a behavior as off limits, then you need to consider that he is dealing with a budding addiction. Addiction ruins lives. I would look into some counseling for your son. If it's not the porn, then the counselor can explore the self-defeating rule breaking behavior. If it IS the porn, he needs to learn now how to put the breaks on.

And FWIW, I suggest part of the discipline here should include some service to your local domestic violence shelter, guardian ad litem program, or foster children's service. These all help people who are vicitims of men who are addicted to pornography.

 

[Robinrs]

You take away the computer he'll find another source. That will NOT solve it. Just let him know you are aware of it and that you're going to check for it regularly. Also tell him that you have a parenting tool that will alert you everytime he sees one... It worked for me!!

 

[luvmy3]

I agree with Golf4food and think this should not be taken lightly. A friend of mine had this issue with her son at this age and kept laughing it off as 'boys will be boys'. Then last year, at the age of 15, she discovered he had been skipping classes and leaving the house at night to go have sex with an 17 year old girl.

This is hardly addict behavior, thats the behavior of a horny 15 year old boy.

Another vote for addressing the porn and not just the disobedience. Porn is an addiction. If you'd caught him with drugs three times, would you just take those drugs away, and buy him cigarettes? That's the equivalent with switching to Playboy.

Does your son routinely push you to the limit with rules? If so, then maybe this is simple disobedience. But if it's unusual for him to continue sneaking and lying after you've addressed a behavior as off limits, then you need to consider that he is dealing with a budding addiction. Addiction ruins lives. I would look into some counseling for your son. If it's not the porn, then the counselor can explore the self-defeating rule breaking behavior. If it IS the porn, he needs to learn now how to put the breaks on.

And FWIW, I suggest part of the discipline here should include some service to your local domestic violence shelter, guardian ad litem program, or foster children's service. These all help people who are vicitims of men who are addicted to pornography.

This is just ridiculous, do you have a teen age boy, or have you ever been one?

 

[MICKEY88]

check out cybersitter software, it's a great program you install it thru your account, then set it to monitor whatever accounts you want, it doesn't show up as a program on the other accounts, you can also limit net times for each individual account, there is a daily log for each user, you can even have it email the logs to you if you want..

 

[Robinrs]

Another vote for addressing the porn and not just the disobedience. Porn is an addiction. If you'd caught him with drugs three times, would you just take those drugs away, and buy him cigarettes? That's the equivalent with switching to Playboy.

Does your son routinely push you to the limit with rules? If so, then maybe this is simple disobedience. But if it's unusual for him to continue sneaking and lying after you've addressed a behavior as off limits, then you need to consider that he is dealing with a budding addiction. Addiction ruins lives. I would look into some counseling for your son. If it's not the porn, then the counselor can explore the self-defeating rule breaking behavior. If it IS the porn, he needs to learn now how to put the breaks on.

And FWIW, I suggest part of the discipline here should include some service to your local domestic violence shelter, guardian ad litem program, or foster children's service. These all help people who are vicitims of men who are addicted to pornography.

Porn can be an addiction to SOME but to most it's just a preoccupation and a sexual turn on. If every person who checked out porn was an addict the world would be FULL of them.