Punishment for inappropriate computer use?

[mamacatnv]

Ummm thats a tough one. I agree that consistency is a major key to parenting but I also think that sometimes a parent can back peddle on an earlier decision or declaration when the parent decides that perhaps they have been too harsh, didn't think it thru or have decided to change their minds etc. I think it is reasonable to say to the child "I have rethought my position on XXX and now think....." I do not think that shows weakness, I think it shows that parents are human too and can change their minds.

Part of me agrees to let it go, then there is the part of me that agrees with Minkydog regarding the disrespecting the rules. Perhaps a chat with your son to try and figure out what it is he is trying to figure out. Is it truly curiosity or is it something else. Maybe set up some parameters of where he can go and can't and to not do it on Grandma's puter.

Also FWIW my neighbor has had the same issue with his DD and it started when she was about 11, she is now 14 and it is still an issue but they have been unwilling to take away the computer, they have decided to leave it alone and they monitor where she has been to make sure that she is not viewing some of the more ummm adventurous shall we say websites.

 

[ksjayhawks]

Take away the computer.
He does not use the computer at grandmas.
He does not use the computer at friends or relatives houses==call the parents of any friends he will be visiting and let them know this. If they are not going to be home or cannot monitor the computer use, he does not go over there.
In the fall, the computer can only be used for school work and has to be used in the area where you are with the screen visible to you at all times. If you leave the room, so does the computer. You keep the computer unless he needs to use it.
Change passwords on the computers and only you have them.
I would not be in any hurry to give him computer privileges back, as in a year at least.

He will not be happy, but he will live. There should not be anything that he does on the computer for school that you cannot see.

Set the standard now, so that he knows you are serious about alll the rules you have.

 

[ksumn1]

I say take away the computer because he didn't follow your rules. He's been caught before, knew if it happened again he would be punished. But I wouldn't do it because it's porn. I know it's degrading, someones' sister/daughter/girlfriend but he's a teenaged boy. Who apparently is having some very adult feelings that won't be curtailed by treating him like a child.

Take the computer away, have your talk with him about the situation and then take it a step further. Tell him, "Since you're so interested in sex, we're going to talk aaaallllll about it". Then give him the responsible adult talk about emotions and sex, what it means etc. Then take it a step further than that. Have the birth control talk again. (assuming you already have) But this time show him some very vivid, full color pictures of various STD's and their effects. Then telk to him about pregnancy, being a teen parent, how much it sucks. How his life will be over. Then make him babysit a baby for a few hours.

I think since he is so willing to seee a bunch of people have sex on a computer or perform sexual acts, poses and show their goodies he's old enough to understand the repercussions of sex. While porn is not "real", sex is and can have some very serious repercussions. Because if he's looking at porn, he wants to have sex. And having sex comes with a potential boatload of problems. I guess my advice is to kinda head him off at the pass while you have a chance.

 

[NHdisneylover]

well, I think you made a big mistake gifting him a laptop when he already had two strikes against him--it just makes it too easy.

I honestly think I would get rid of the laptop all together (sell it if you can) and just have a desktop that stays in a common area. Password protect it so he cannot log on unless you log him on. He loses the computer for a month and after that he can only use it when you are there and agree to log him on.

I I think the PPs experience with her son googling girls his age is a wake up call (I NEVER thought of that but I can entirely see how it would happen). Definitly talk to him about not doing anything illegal and about viruses. Basically I would approach that as a conversation about how he is not to use friends (or libraries--you would be amazed what people would try on the library computers which we had fully visible and right near the circulation desk), however, since he has shown himself to be untrustworthy he also needs to know how much trouble he could cause someone if he tries to be sneaky.
Make sure he knows curiosity is normal but he is going beyond what you consider okay. Tell him what he can do(Victoria's Secret catalog? I don't know--what ever you are okay with) and make sure he has good information about puberty, sexuality, etc. A good book and several good chats are in order there I think.

 

[bumbershoot]

Playboy subscription?

I actually thought the same thing, BUT I really hate the way things are in those magazines (waxing causing women to LOOK like 10 year old girls), so what I would probably do is find some OLD Playboys and give those to him. most of the men I've known actually do find those older images to be far more intriguing than more current images. And the guys that didn't find the older ones to be more intriguing, frankly, were FAR beyond playboy and the magazines that are beyond p'boy aren't for a 13 year old at all.

So, yeah, the early p'boys...


And take away the netbook!

I have three boys and my oldest was caught at the age of 12 ... googling "naked girls age 12". He was being curious about girls his own age.

OK apart from the fact that in order for him to *find* such pictures would mean that young girls would have been exploited and that's disgusting and hideous and all other words like it...that's actually...sort of sweet of him. He's not interested in wildly age-inappropriate women...he's interested in the girls he's in school with, but not so interested that he's trying to get other 12 year olds to show him their stuff. Which is what some of the 12 year olds I went to school with were doing (5th grade week-long camp...the innocents in my group used to sneak down near the aviary to see what the not-so-innocents were doing, yikes!).



Going to those sites on a computer is absolutely unsafe for the computer and everyone's privacy, so that has to be stopped.

But...gosh, I remember looking at a p'boy when I was younger than 9...I was curious about women like I would be, and I found an adult's stash of them, and it was interesting.




But the last thing I have to say is....getting such things from a parent, and especially a MOM, is going to be so mortifying that he will be embarrassed beyond anything else you could do. bwa ha ha ha ha....

 

[okeydokey]

If he uses the computer in a way that you don't approve of and have told him in the past not to use it, then he has lost access to the computer. Take the computer away.

 

[luvmy3jewels]

I think it is normal for kids to be curious about that sort of thing, especially at your son's age. However, you have set your rules and this is his third strike so I think you need to take a way his computer. After school starts, give it back to him with a better filter system and make him use it in the "public" area of your house.

I'm so not looking forward to my kids' teenage years. Right now, the worst thing that I've caught them googling is whether Santa was real.

 

[shortbun]

For those of you who think this is normal, it may be but he's 14 and there is plenty of smut in magazines and on TV to satisfy his 14yo mind and eyes for now. If he were 18, I'd be saying leave him alone but remind him of illegal pornography and the parameters.

 

[kamik86]

Lol see what I'm reading is he isn't hiding it well enough. I know my husband started finding his Dads stuff as early as 10!! Yes I typed that right 10.

Me I still find the pictures gross but I have no problem if my husband is on the stuff.

His mom never found any of his... He knows places on the computer to hide stuff that most people would never find... I know where he tends to put things but I'm smart enough not to look.

 

[LisaInNc]

I know because it's porn it's a difficult subject but it comes down to the fact that you told him not to do something and he has disobeyed you THREE times.

I would take away his netbook, last time he lost the computer for 3 weeks this time I would make it 4 and then go back to just using the computer in the living room.

I would also make him understand that if he is caught again he will lose ALL computer access.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

Playboy subscription?

Agreed. But take away the netbook too. Leaves him more time to read tasteful, educational material.

 

[luvmy3]

For those of you who think this is normal, it may be but he's 14 and there is plenty of smut in magazines and on TV to satisfy his 14yo mind and eyes for now. If he were 18, I'd be saying leave him alone but remind him of illegal pornography and the parameters.

Easy to say when you aren't dealing with 14 year old boy hormones and curiosity.


OP, take away the computer because that is what you said you would do. He is going to continue to find ways to sneak a peek no matter what so maybe just have a talk with him about porn, what it is compared to real life sexual feelings and whats appropriate for 14 year olds to be doing about it.

 

[jfoofj]

I remember when my little brother called a 1-900 number (this is in the early 80's) and racked up a $200 phone bill. Ahhh, technology has changed.

My boys are too young for this worry as of yet, but the "family" computer is in the living room and our laptops are off limits unless being used with us right there (ie on the counter in the kitchen while I'm making dinner.) I would probably take his own personal computer away and only allow supervised or semi supervised (like out in the livingroom) computer usage AND tell him you are downloading monitoring software (even if you don't).

It is so hard in this day and age to completely avoid porn. If he wants to find it bad enough, he will. Kids in my town were looking at it on the computers in the public library. I'll bet their parents thought they were working on a book report. Not so much.

My biggest issue with porn at this age is that it will desensitize kids to sex and sexual acts. I'm not even going to get into the whole issue of how it portrays women.

Also, I would google up some images of some REALLY nasty STDs and make him read up on them... and let him know that some of them, like herpes, can't be prevented by using condoms. Pictures of disgusting privates ARE NOT sexy.

Good luck, I don't look forward to that stage w/ our boys.

 

[cteddiesgirl]

Ignore it. It's natural. Just don't give him enough alone time to let it rule his life.

With the internet, I wouldn't ignore it. If it were just playboy, that's a different story. You can find tons of things a lot more graphic and actually sickening on the internet. And I'm actually quite liberal when it comes to sex. Playboy is really just child's play next to what's available on the net.

I say take away the computer because he didn't follow your rules. He's been caught before, knew if it happened again he would be punished. But I wouldn't do it because it's porn. I know it's degrading, someones' sister/daughter/girlfriend but he's a teenaged boy. Who apparently is having some very adult feelings that won't be curtailed by treating him like a child.

Take the computer away, have your talk with him about the situation and then take it a step further. Tell him, "Since you're so interested in sex, we're going to talk aaaallllll about it". Then give him the responsible adult talk about emotions and sex, what it means etc. Then take it a step further than that. Have the birth control talk again. (assuming you already have) But this time show him some very vivid, full color pictures of various STD's and their effects. Then telk to him about pregnancy, being a teen parent, how much it sucks. How his life will be over. Then make him babysit a baby for a few hours.

I think since he is so willing to seee a bunch of people have sex on a computer or perform sexual acts, poses and show their goodies he's old enough to understand the repercussions of sex. While porn is not "real", sex is and can have some very serious repercussions. Because if he's looking at porn, he wants to have sex. And having sex comes with a potential boatload of problems. I guess my advice is to kinda head him off at the pass while you have a chance.

Agreed.

 

[Golf4food]

Those of you half joking about playboy subscriptions or the like would not be laughing as much if you knew how many families have been destroyed by porn use, porn addiction, sex addiction, etc. in this country - and the whole world - and many or most of those (mostly) guys got started as young teens with magazines or now with the internet. There are ministries all of the place setup just to help people recovery from these addictions - just like AA or any other addiction. I have been involved in those ministries and have seen the damage it can cause - divorces, prison, and at least one person I knew who commited suicide. None of this should be a laughing matter. If your son is looking up things on even grandma's computer then I think he needs help NOW, not later.

 

[luvmy3]

Those of you half joking about playboy subscriptions or the like would not be laughing as much if you knew how many families have been destroyed by porn use, porn addiction, sex addiction, etc. in this country - and the whole world - and many or most of those (mostly) guys got started as young teens with magazines or now with the internet. There are ministries all of the place setup just to help people recovery from these addictions - just like AA or any other addiction. I have been involved in those ministries and have seen the damage it can cause - divorces, prison, and at least one person I knew who commited suicide. None of this should be a laughing matter. If your son is looking up things on even grandma's computer then I think he needs help NOW, not later.

All guys start off with magazines, and now the internet but not all turn out to have extreme cases of sexual/porn addictions later in life. If the OP's ds has other signs of an addictive personality maybe she should seek help, but its really a stretch to say that because he used his Grandmother's computer he needs it.

 

[NotUrsula]

My issues with porn sites primarily have to do with the viruses they harbor, because a kid isn't reaching the "legitimate" pay-per-view sites; he's finding the "free" amateur ones that are fronts for hackers. He fried one computer with a virus from a "free music" site, and if he does it again he knows that he will never be allowed to use another electronic device under my roof.

Now my issue with porn in general is that it is largely unrealistic. At 13, porn gives boys a very warped idea of how normal sexual relationships progress, and what normal sexual interaction is. Anyway, my DH and I feel that if he should decide that he really needs to see this stuff, he can do it the old-fashioned analog way, and DH will monitor what he's buying and steer him away from the really raunchy stuff. Obviously, we will discourage it as strongly as we can, but if he does experiment, I don't want him doing it electronically.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

All guys start off with magazines, and now the internet but not all turn out to have extreme cases of sexual/porn addictions later in life. If the OP's ds has other signs of an addictive personality maybe she should seek help, but its really a stretch to say that because he used his Grandmother's computer he needs it.

MTE. For every person who becomes addicted, there are plenty more individuals (and couples) who are able to integrate pornography into a healthy sex-life. Part of that can be encouraged by having discussions with children early on when they first discover these things. One of the worst things can be to inflict a sense of shame and embarrassment on the child for looking at these things.

As to the OP. Since he has broken the rules on 3 occasions,taking away computer time is a perfect punishment. Please speak with him, though, and let him know that the punishment is for the breaking of the rules, not for what he was looking at. No one looks forward to those type of discussions, but it will be worthwhile for him to know that he is normal, but that he should also understand that there are risks when he is just randomly searching onto these sites, and not just viruses and malware, but some very intense pictures he may not want to experience.

 

[NHdisneylover]

All guys start off with magazines, and now the internet but not all turn out to have extreme cases of sexual/porn addictions later in life. If the OP's ds has other signs of an addictive personality maybe she should seek help, but its really a stretch to say that because he used his Grandmother's computer he needs it.

MTE. For every person who becomes addicted, there are plenty more individuals (and couples) who are able to integrate pornography into a healthy sex-life. Part of that can be encouraged by having discussions with children early on when they first discover these things. One of the worst things can be to inflict a sense of shame and embarrassment on the child for looking at these things.

As to the OP. Since he has broken the rules on 3 occasions,taking away computer time is a perfect punishment. Please speak with him, though, and let him know that the punishment is for the breaking of the rules, not for what he was looking at. No one looks forward to those type of discussions, but it will be worthwhile for him to know that he is normal.

Agreed. Heck, we can turn on our "free" (satellite but there is not monthly charge, just the fee for the initial box which was about 30 bucks and the mini dish if one is not already up on your apartment but pretty much they all are) TV any night after 10 and see topless girls, after midnight we can see a lot more than that. Meaning this is widely available here (and Playboy and the like are stocked right along with the other magazines, no protective covers or anything) but I have not gotten the impression that I am living in a society full of men addicted to porn who can do nothing but watch it and cannot handle a relationship. There seems to be just as many hard working, nice, well adjusted men around here as in the US where it is more taboo.

 

[Disneycrazy!!]

I'd make my ds wear a shirt that said "my mom caught me looking at porn again", but I'm heartless and have a sick sense of humor


Seriously, I don't think you are being too harsh but I don't think his punishment will stop him, it will just make him find ways to hide what he is doing on the computer.