PSA: please don't comment on my tall child's height (vent)

[manhattanman]

Ok, whatever, it's not a compliment. It's nice people trying to make conversation. My point from the beginning...you want to give a kid body image problems, go ahead and teach them to be offended by such harmless and well-intentioned comments.

again your notion that these are harmless and well intentioned comments is predicated by the false premise that tall= good, short = not as good. its a sterotype that you are reinforcing. that you might not find the it offensive, is immaterial. There are lots of other sterotypes that people recognize as offensive that the person saying it thinks are perfectly benign.

You think that people at both extremes don't already know where they stand to their peers ? They do, you repeating it is not some trenchant analysis of something that eluded them.

Prasing kids for things they have no control over is like complimenting the bride for picking a weeding day that it didnt rain. If kids deserved to be complimented, i'd prefer it be over something they actually had a hand in.

 

[whatname]

Thank you for all the replies. It has been helpful to be reminded that these are just compliments and/or people making conversation. It is also nice to hear from those who have btdt and how they handled it/felt about it.

First, let me say that I am not offended by the comments, nor do I or DD respond in any manner that is impolite. We always respond graciously and appropriately. I hope I did not give the impression that I am telling people off left and right or berating them afterward. DD has no clue that I have even thought about the comments. It just gets old after a while. I agree with others that a compliment about something that you can actually control is a better compliment. I don’t think I really comment on people’s personal appearance much, except maybe clothes they selected or maybe a hairstyle. Even then, I’m not complimenting their hair, but the style. I do compliment people’s effort, thoughtfulness, etc. Even for sports ability, while some is nature, there is certainly some effort/practice involved.

I guess what bothers me most about the comments is when they are a backhanded compliment.

You’re really tall. You must eat a lot.

I bet your parents have to buy you new pants every week.

She’s so tall and skinny. How can you find clothes to fit her?

You wear a size 9 shoe? Soon you can just wear the boxes.

When are you going to stop growing?

Or last night’s comment: Your parents aren’t unusually tall. I wonder where you get it.

All meant as compliments/comments, but then DD starts making comments about how her feet are too big. Even bigger than her teacher’s. I know people mean well, but as people have pointed out, it is not generally accepted to comment on just any or all physical characteristics that make people different. I hadn’t thought about this before. (Really, I hadn’t thought much about this at all until I wrote this on a whim.) For some reason, it is o.k. to comment on tall or short stature. I’m not sure why.

I think DD’s age has also promoted some of my awareness. She is becoming more aware of differences and her body, as just a natural stage in development. She has been making comments lately about her height and feet, not always positive. I certainly promote a positive body image, and I don’t see any problems developing there. She compares her height to mine and looks forward to being taller. I think she has her eyes on some of my shoes, too.

o.k. I feel I am digging a deeper hole.

Thanks again for the comments. You can always count on some thought provoking responses here.

 

[Wishing on a star]

WOW... how PC can we get.
It is now just impossible to say anything any more....

complimenting the bride for picking a weeding day that it didnt rain.

And YES, I am quite sure that many, many, many, times, guests have smiled and gushed and said... Wow, you sure picked a LOVELY day for a wedding.

A positive or neutral observation, is just that...
Nothing more...
Nothing less...

People really need to get a grip.

 

[usd2bmd]

My daughter is taller than both my husband and myself and we are constantly asked the question; "where did she come from?" I understand it is meant in fun but after a few hundred times it does get old to answer.

I have on rare occasion answered that she isn't actually ours... That usually quiets the questions.

 

[manhattanman]

WOW... how PC can we get.
It is now just impossible to say anything any more....



And YES, I am quite sure that many, many, many, times, guests have smiled and gushed and said... Wow, you sure picked a LOVELY day for a wedding.

A positive or neutral observation, is just that...
Nothing more...
Nothing less...

People really need to get a grip.

there is a big difference between saying " its nice it didnt rain" and telling the bride " good job it didnt rain". Luck is just that luck. Attributing something that is luck to someone's efforts is insane.

what people seem to think that is it to okay praise one extreme of the natural variation in people and to laud it, but then think that they are not denoucing the other end of the spectrum. Saying tall = good short = not as good simply reinforces a useless and harmfull sterotype. Same way that thin =good fat= bad , assertive = men, passive and demure = women. These steryotpes causes WAY too many young kids ( on both sides) to hopelessly try to meet this arbitrary ranking iften to their own detriment. you can be well intentioned, but you a basing this accolade on a completely false premise.

you cant be simultaneously telling kids to appreciate their uniqueness, that they can do whatever they set their minds to all the while complimenting people for being tall, fair skinned or with high metabolisms. actually you can but you cant do it without sending huge mixed messages.

 

[MomofKatie]

there is a big difference between saying " its nice it didnt rain" and telling the bride " good job it didnt rain". Luck is just that luck. Attributing something that is luck to someone's efforts is insane.

what people seem to think that is it to okay praise one extreme of the natural variation in people and to laud it, but then think that they are not denoucing the other end of the spectrum. Saying tall = good short = not as good simply reinforces a useless and harmfull sterotype. Same way that thin =good fat= bad , assertive = men, passive and demure = women. These steryotpes causes WAY too many young kids ( on both sides) to hopelessly try to meet this arbitrary ranking iften to their own detriment. you can be well intentioned, but you a basing this accolade on a completely false premise.

you cant be simultaneously telling kids to appreciate their uniqueness, that they can do whatever they set their minds to all the while complimenting people for being tall, fair skinned or with high metabolisms. actually you can but you cant do it without sending huge mixed messages.

I don't think most people are putting that much thought into it! Just, as many have pointed out, trying to make conversation or trying to make a personal observation to relate to the person.

I am very short (5' even) and I have heard lots of comments about it in my many years. Most folks start with a variation of , "My, you are short!" and follow it with what they think of as a compliment like, "You can date any guy- you don't have to worry you'll be taller than them in heels!" or ""You will get carded until you're 40!" or "It's so cute to be short!" I never felt like people equated short with bad.

If every person has to worry and wonder at every word out of their mouth, that it might offend someone, it's a sad thing. I guess nobody should ever say anything to anyone without a thorough questionnaire about their personal feelings, thoughts, and emotions concerning their appearance, sex, and personal views.

Can we just lighten up a bit and let things slide once in a while?

 

[MinnieLovesMickey12]

I have encountered the same thing. I have a 13 yr old who is 5 foot 10 and was already 5 foot 6 in the second grade.

 

[tigercat]

I am short. 4' 8" tall. I have had all kinds of people make comments about my height. If they mention it and then move on it is okay but it is the other comments that start to get annoying. Also, having their kids stand next to me to measure how short I am against their kids is embarrassing. I don't appreciate it at all.
What I need is some neat come backs like one of the other posters kids came up with. Any ideas anyone? I am pooh sized and am 57 yrs old. Some of you must have some ideas for me? I am game and would really like to use a neat come back.

tigercat

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

I have red hair. It's the pretty strawberry blond hair and I was blessed with it not changing as I got older. Not only have I always dealt with comments, but people think it is ok to TOUCH my hair. I have had more than one complete stranger twirl my hair or pet it like a dog.

So I get your vent, but everyone has something like this that they deal with. I think it is just some people's way of trying to be nice and make someone else feel special.

 

[paintnolish]

I've never taken offense to comments like that. I'm fairly tall (5'10") and have curly hair: people have nicely commented on both zillions of times. "What beautiful curls! Are they natural?" Is different than "What a schnozzola!" Which for the record I kind of so have!

 

[Robbi]

I'm a woman and was 5' tall at 9 years old. The next year, I was the second to shortest girl in our class. Some of them were 5'8. My adult height is 5'4". One of our classmates was 6 ft tall in the 4th grade. We nicknamed him Johnny Apollo after the Apollo space program because we joked he could reach the clouds. His final height is 6'7".

 

[JessicaR]

WOW... how PC can we get.
It is now just impossible to say anything any more....
People really need to get a grip.

I agree.

 

[jahber]

How is being tall a " great" thing ? Its not like the kids are going home and lying down on a rack to get taller. Its largely genetic and beyond their control.
Would you say the same thing about skin color ( i.e to an albino child).

Even if they didnt like being tall its not like something they can control. I'm not tall ( 6 even) but I find the notion of complementing a child over something that they have no control over a little ridiculous and to

Fwiw, I DO compliment my kids on their skin color (they have very nice brown skin from their Indian dad, while I am glow-in-the-dark white). Now, I would never comment on another child's skin color unless I knew their parents because it is so taboo in America, but I do see it as an advantage to have tan skin. Just like some people see it as an advantage to be tall or have curly hair. And I also compliment my kids' skin because I want them to be comfortable in their skin and with their mixed race. I also have no problem with people mentioning that my 9yo daughter (who reached 50 lbs last month) weighs the same as my 6yo son and my 4yo niece. Yes, it is beyond their control, but so are most things you notice about someone's appearance before you have time to get to know them. As long as you're not deliberately being rude, I assume you're just looking to make conversation. If someone makes a comment I think is rude, I also try to assume that they didn't mean it to be rude. I have put my foot in my mouth enough times to understand that sometimes the verbal filter just malfunctions

 

[StephMK]

I've never taken offense to comments like that. I'm fairly tall (5'10") and have curly hair: people have nicely commented on both zillions of times. "What beautiful curls! Are they natural?" Is different than "What a schnozzola!" Which for the record I kind of so have!

I'm 5'10" & have really curly hair, plus it's light reddish brown & lots of freckles. I get jokes and comments on all of those features and have been this height since 6th grade. You just have to get used to it and realize most are just being friendly in a teasing way.

I don't mind the comments and try to have a good sense of humor about it. My hair color is not natural so I joke that my kids can have this color when they grow up too if they want it. And I warn my students about my big feet (sz 11) so they'd better sit up if they're on the floor so I don't accidentally step on their fingers or feet.

Maybe in a perfect world, people wouldn't comment but we don't live in a perfect world so it's much easier to learn to deal with it. Just learn to laugh and realize everyone has something that generates comments.

The height did bother me when I was younger but now I love it. DH is 6'8" so I can still wear heels if I want. DD19 is 5'11" and we have always taught her to just embrace her height, she has no choice. She has always handled it well and rocks her heels without worry.

 

[JVL1018]

WOW... how PC can we get.
It is now just impossible to say anything any more....

And YES, I am quite sure that many, many, many, times, guests have smiled and gushed and said... Wow, you sure picked a LOVELY day for a wedding.

A positive or neutral observation, is just that...
Nothing more...
Nothing less...

People really need to get a grip.

Or wow, you have beautiful eyes! Or, I'd love to have such long eyelashes!
Nothing anyone can control, but complimented nonetheless.

 

[gcoolie]

I can totally sympathize OP! Don't feel bad about venting.

 

[KimR]

I think people just get tired of hearing the same thing over and over. That's why when I'm introduced to someone with the same name as a celebrity or an unusual name, I skip right over that fact even though I'm tempted to comment on it. I'm sure they've heard it thousands of times so they don't need to hear it once more from me.

One of my pet peeves is when someone comments on how quiet I am. Why is it ok to say that to someone but it's rude to say 'wow, you certainly do talk a lot' ? Because I can guarantee you that 90% of the time the quiet person is made much more uncomfortable by such a comment than the talkative one.

 

[Robinrs]

Just a vent here...My DD is 9 years old and over 5 feet tall. Most of the kids in her class barely reach her shoulder. DD7 is the height of most of the kids in DD9's class, if not taller. The first thing anyone says to them is "Wow! You're tall." This is generally followed by a comment related to playing in basketball.

Just wanted to add that my sister was 5'2" in the 4th grade, tallest girl in her class.

She's now 58 and STILL 5'2"! She actually misses those days!

 

[minkydog]

Just a vent here...My DD is 9 years old and over 5 feet tall. Most of the kids in her class barely reach her shoulder. DD7 is the height of most of the kids in DD9's class, if not taller. The first thing anyone says to them is "Wow! You're tall." This is generally followed by a comment related to playing in basketball.

Yes, we know they are tall. They are also a lot of other things - smart, pretty, funny, kind, etc. No, their ambition in life is not to play basketball. They enjoy basketball, but they also like dancing, piano, singing, arts, crafts, etc.

So, please when you see a tall child, just say hello or ask how they are or what they enjoy. They know they are tall. They may even be somewhat self-conscious about it. I wonder why, considering every adult they meet mentions it. They are kind enough not to comment on your physical characteristics. Please, extend the same courtesy.

Thank you for listening. Sorry for the vent. We were just at an event last night where more than one adult informed my children that they are tall, so I'm a bit cranky. It happens ALL the time. I think people mean well. They just don't realize it happens ALL the time.

I get it, OP. My youngest sister is 6ft tall. At age 3, she was the size of a 7yr old and people thought she was mentally handicapped because she acted like...a 3yr old! When she was 8yrs old, and I was 16(!), we wore the same clothes--only her bra was a 34B--AT 8! Believe me, my sister has heard every conceivable comment there is about being tall and most of them are not funny and not flattering. I just wish a few times in her life people had said "You have the most beautiful sapphire colored eyes!" or "What a great figure you have!" (she did some swimsuit modeling in HS) or "Do you want to dance?" even. DSis developed some serious body image issues and social anxiety, partly I believe due to the unwanted attention she received just by virture of being tall.

OP, continue doing what you're doing and show her that she can be anything she wants to be (other than a short girl). My sister married a guy 6'6". They bought a small farm and now she uses her height and strength to take care of her sheep, chickens and ducks. She can load and unload an entire trailer of hay bales without hardly breaking a sweat. I defy some little tiny wisp of a girl to do that!

 

[mefordis]

Both of my daughters are tall for their age and they LOVE it! I have raised them to be proud of it. Their father is tall as well. I am average height at 5'6" but feel a lot taller than people in my area, who all seem so short!

Anyway, the best thing you can do is point out that it is a positive trait to be tall, since you cannot control other people's comments. That way they will perceive the comments as compliments.

Also, be aware and make them aware that tall people make more $$!!! Ha ha! It is true. Google it or read:

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/Careers/02/02/cb.tall.people/

From the article:
"As if the vertically-challenged don't have to deal with enough (what with hemming pant legs, straining to peer over people at concerts, and struggling to reach the top shelf at grocery stores), it turns out taller people are better compensated than their shorter colleagues.

To add insult to injury, height has not only been linked to larger paychecks and greater self-confidence, but also to higher intelligence.*"

My tall dh doesn't do so bad for himself so I am inclined to go with this theory! LOL!

Just a vent here...My DD is 9 years old and over 5 feet tall. Most of the kids in her class barely reach her shoulder. DD7 is the height of most of the kids in DD9's class, if not taller. The first thing anyone says to them is "Wow! You're tall." This is generally followed by a comment related to playing in basketball.

Yes, we know they are tall. They are also a lot of other things - smart, pretty, funny, kind, etc. No, their ambition in life is not to play basketball. They enjoy basketball, but they also like dancing, piano, singing, arts, crafts, etc.

So, please when you see a tall child, just say hello or ask how they are or what they enjoy. They know they are tall. They may even be somewhat self-conscious about it. I wonder why, considering every adult they meet mentions it. They are kind enough not to comment on your physical characteristics. Please, extend the same courtesy.

Thank you for listening. Sorry for the vent. We were just at an event last night where more than one adult informed my children that they are tall, so I'm a bit cranky. It happens ALL the time. I think people mean well. They just don't realize it happens ALL the time.