PSA: please don't comment on my tall child's height (vent)

[whatname]

Just a vent here...My DD is 9 years old and over 5 feet tall. Most of the kids in her class barely reach her shoulder. DD7 is the height of most of the kids in DD9's class, if not taller. The first thing anyone says to them is "Wow! You're tall." This is generally followed by a comment related to playing in basketball.

Yes, we know they are tall. They are also a lot of other things - smart, pretty, funny, kind, etc. No, their ambition in life is not to play basketball. They enjoy basketball, but they also like dancing, piano, singing, arts, crafts, etc.

So, please when you see a tall child, just say hello or ask how they are or what they enjoy. They know they are tall. They may even be somewhat self-conscious about it. I wonder why, considering every adult they meet mentions it. They are kind enough not to comment on your physical characteristics. Please, extend the same courtesy.

Thank you for listening. Sorry for the vent. We were just at an event last night where more than one adult informed my children that they are tall, so I'm a bit cranky. It happens ALL the time. I think people mean well. They just don't realize it happens ALL the time.

 

[moon]

I believe they say it as a compliment. Who doesn't want to be tall?

Why take it the wrong way, and not as a compliment?

 

[ckay87]

I can pretty much guarantee that nobody is looking to insult your daughter by pointing out her most obvious, beautiful characteristic. Nobody says she's not those other things (do they?) I would probably try to teach my daughter to take those comments in the spirit with which they were intended. By acting offended, you're reinforcing any self-consciousness that she may already have. Now is an important time for her to KNOW that people are trying to compliment her by making those comments. This will set her up with the self-confidence that will make her height even more lovely in the years to come.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Why does it bother your kids so much?

DD16 was always the tallest in her grade. It was great when people realized she was tall and did not just assume she was 3-4 years older than she was (and expect her to act accordingly).
She only minded basketball comments when someone would not drop it after she said team sports are not her thing (which a few people over the years did, but it was rare).

As the PP said, the vast majority of people see tall as a good thing to be, so it is a compliment--much like commenting on someone's beautiful red hair, or whatnot.

 

[LilMrsSunshine]

I completely understand, but from the other side of the spectrum.
I am very petite. I have now reached the wonderful height of 5'2", but growing up was full of comments in regards to my size. I was also treated like I was much younger than I was. I agree with your plea not to always comment on height or size. It gets VERY old!!

 

[Cinderella94]

Why does it bother your kids so much?

DD16 was always the tallest in her grade. It was great when people realized she was tall and did not just assume she was 3-4 years older than she was (and expect her to act accordingly).
She only minded basketball comments when someone would not drop it after she said team sports are not her thing (which a few people over the years did, but it was rare).

As the PP said, the vast majority of people see tall as a good thing to be, so it is a compliment--much like commenting on someone's beautiful red hair, or whatnot.

This. I was always the tallest in my class until the boys caught up in middle school. I never minded hearing about it.

 

[HM]

The tallest girl in our 5th grade class was one of the shorter students by the time we reached HS.
Maybe your kids won't have to hear that forever.....

 

[katrina1122]

In the 3rd grade I became the tallest one in my whole grade (3 classes worth). I stayed that way through the end of 6th when a few boys finally passed me. Everyone always said how tall I was. I played basketball 1 season and did tap and ballet. It never bothered me that people mentioned my height, it was clearly obvious.

By mid high school i hit 5'7 and now many are taller than me. Let them enjoy it while they can. From one girl to another, it's not a big deal to be the tallest.

 

[NY Disney fan]

I see it as a compliment. Being tall is a geat thing. My 6 year old daughter is the tallest in her class (towers over boys and girls). I'm only 5'2 and she is already up to my neck. She hates being tall becuase she always ends up in the back of the line but I tell her "that means you can see over everyone!". Next time someone mentions basketball, say "no my daughter will be a model!"

 

[tzolkin]

My siblings and I were all tall kids.

I stopped growing when I was 10 (5th grade). I'm 5'5". My sisters wound up about the same. I was very self conscious as a kid and had a lot of self esteem issues.

My brother is the only one who actually wound up being tall. (He's 6'6"). He was taller than his first grade teacher.


My kids are all average height, but my nieces are all very tall. My 3.5 yo niece is only one inch shorter than my 9yo. My brother and his wife (also well over 6') have a giraffe family theme and encourage their girls to be confident about their bodies. The kids are taught that the tall comments are compliments.

The only issues are the age assumptions and comments other people sometimes make. "How could you let a 5yo still have a pacifier?" "She's not 5, she's not even 2 yet", "Why isn't she potty trained?" "She's only 11mos old", etc. (I always think of this on the DIS when people mention a child that was X age that was doing something. "Some woman was breastfeeding a 6yo at MK" )

 

[ZephyrHawk]

I'm sorry, but people will comment on a person's most striking feature. It's not intended as an insult, it's what's known as "making conversation". Now yes, you can make conversation in other ways, but most people are lazy. They'll grab on the first thing that comes to mind when they meet someone. If you stop worrying about it, so will the kids.

Hey, I married into a family with a very Hispanic last name. My heritage is Nordic, so I always get people commenting on how I don't look like a [insert Hispanic last name]. I tell them my husband doesn't either (his other half is Scottish), and I speak considerably more Spanish than he does. Looking forward to my light haired, blue eyed daughter going through the same thing.

 

[KimR]

I completely understand. Compliment or not, I think kids go through a stage where they just want to be like everyone else and are self-conscious about anything, good or bad, that makes them stand out from their peers. I know I tend to comment on such things, too, wanting to be nice and just basically looking for something to say, but I guess I should be more careful about that.

 

[diznygirl]

I understand. My baby's most striking feature was curly hair. Led to some rough times with my kid.

People can admire silently from afar rather than being the one-millionth-and-one person to comment.

 

[kimmyann]

My youngest DD (10) is 5ft & hears this all of the time. It also bothers her because it is not always said in a complimentary way. Generally she is happy that she may be taller than me & her older sister (we are both 5`2).

 

[JessicaR]

My kids were both tall for their age when they were younger. Lots of people commented on their height. They still do. Thankfully, they don't mind at all. Maybe you can have your child see it in a positive light.

 

[JVL1018]

I have a tall daughter, too..always the tallest in her class. I'm assuming she will only end up 5'7 inches or so but it was a pronounced difference in elementary school.
Her best friend is about 4'10, DD is 5'6"' they're both 13. And BFF hears how short she is and DD hears how tall she is.
They both love when people remark on it.
My daughter loves to go up to me and my friends and measure herself than laugh as she surpasses us all in height.

 

[ckay87]

I completely understand. Compliment or not, I think kids go through a stage where they just want to be like everyone else and are self-conscious about anything, good or bad, that makes them stand out from their peers. I know I tend to comment on such things, too, wanting to be nice and just basically looking for something to say, but I guess I should be more careful about that.

And because of that, I think the worst thing a mom can do is reinforce that self-consciousness by also acting offended. I think that now is the time to try to teach the little girl how to respond to the comments, what the people intended with their comments, etc. I think asking people to tiptoe around around noticing her height is sending the message that there IS, in fact, something to be self-conscious about.

 

[Shea&Van]

OP - I totally feel you! We have the same problem but for a vertically challenged child. My six-year old daughter is REALLY tiny and my four-year old son is a monster. He towers over her. Whenever we go somewhere people assume he's older and it really upsets her. They will make comments such as "you are so little" or "wow, are you sure he's not your big brother." It stings, but we always tell her that good things come in small packages.

It hurts me the most when the kids at school say things like "midget" or "shorty." I even had one other mom on a field trip say "Nathan was right, she sure is a tiny little thing, was she a premie or something?"

OMG! Um, it's totally not your business, but whatever, I get where your child gets his - um, manners??

I just do my best to encourage her to be the best she can be and not to take it to personally. She's starting to embrace her petite frame a little now because in her cheerleading club, she gets to be at the top of the pyramid.

But, I know that doesn't make it any easier to hear for your kids. Sorry you have to hear it all the time...gotta think of a snappy comeback of sorts. I'm going to work on something for my daughter - LOL.

Wishign you all the best! Take care!

 

[OhioMom02]

I completely understand. Compliment or not, I think kids go through a stage where they just want to be like everyone else and are self-conscious about anything, good or bad, that makes them stand out from their peers. I know I tend to comment on such things, too, wanting to be nice and just basically looking for something to say, but I guess I should be more careful about that.

My children are also tall. My son is 13 and 6'3" and shows no signs of stopping any time soon. My daughter is 10 and 5' tall. People marvel all the time about my son's height. (The basketball comments DO get old because he is not athletically inclined) He gets so irritated at the constant comments but I just tell him that people are amazed at how fast he's grown and eventually the comments will die down. His dad and I are both tall so we grew up with comments as well. It's difficult to accept the comments as compliments when you are a self-conscious kid, but I think they really are just compliments. If it wasn't the height it would be something else.

 

[Janepod]

Of all the things to complain about.

I'm 5'9.5". My husband is 6'5". My son, age 7 1/2, is 4'7". If we were offended every time someone mentioned our height, we wouldn't have time for anything else in life.