PSA -- Gift Giving

[minkydog]

Hmm...

Maybe I am on a different wavelength than some of y'all. I love getting and receiving gifts as a general rule.

However, as evidenced by some of the posts in past years (for instance, the MIL gift posts), I'm not the only one who has interactions with people who choose gifts with little-to-no forethought.

I HAVE taught my kids to politely say "Thank You" for each and every gift given to them, regardless of whether they already have it or whether it is something they dislike, etc... And we only give gift ideas to those family members who request them and then that list is of a reasonable length and moderate (say, $25-30 per item) price.... and the list is more of a rough outline of things the kids like than a checklist of "must haves".

But, from a "green" viewpoint, it is very wasteful to purchase gifts that aren't likely to be enjoyed by the recipient. I could go into long detail about history. Suffice to say that we now ask extended family members to not give any gifts to DH and I (gifts only for the children), instead getting together (when possible), to spend time with each other in lieu of money on each other.

I get what you're saying. We have one family member who does this. I know in my heart that what she does is either buy things that go on sale after Christmas or she buys things off QVC, with nobody special in mind. Then when holidays come she surveys her loot and divides it up. If she actually shopped with each person in mind I'm sure her choices would be different. Sometimes it is very obvious that we are getting something that was BOGO or perhaps a complimentary gift that she didn't want(and nobody else does either.)

We don't complain and I've taught my kids to be gracious no matter what ridiculous thing she sends them. In fact, we have talked to her several times about just donating to a worthy cause in our names--we have everything we need and whatever we want, we can go buy. But she "likes to Christmas shop" so she nixed adopting an Angel Tree kid or giving to the Red Cross,etc. Thought it was stupid. So we will continue to receive bars of soap, book marks, smiley face notebooks, and ginsu knives until the day she dies. Seems like such a waste to me.

 

[EthansMom]

I get what you're saying. We have one family member who does this. I know in my heart that what she does is either buy things that go on sale after Christmas or she buys things off QVC, with nobody special in mind. Then when holidays come she surveys her loot and divides it up. If she actually shopped with each person in mind I'm sure her choices would be different. Sometimes it is very obvious that we are getting something that was BOGO or perhaps a complimentary gift that she didn't want(and nobody else does either.)

We don't complain and I've taught my kids to be gracious no matter what ridiculous thing she sends them. In fact, we have talked to her several times about just donating to a worthy cause in our names--we have everything we need and whatever we want, we can go buy. But she "likes to Christmas shop" so she nixed adopting an Angel Tree kid or giving to the Red Cross,etc. Thought it was stupid. So we will continue to receive bars of soap, book marks, smiley face notebooks, and ginsu knives until the day she dies. Seems like such a waste to me.

Exactly!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I get what you are saying but the alternative is you providing a Christmas list and I think that is worst.

This is the first time in my entire relation with DH (dear lord we are going on 15 years now...) that his family has stopped the gift exchange. So there aren't supposed to be lists (though we are still getting some lists--what is up with that, really????)

I hate it b/c me buying a gift isn't about fulfilling your checklist. I do my best and if I'm off base--well, then I'm stupid I guess. A chance I'm willing to take with my money when I'm trying to do something nice. I'm less inclined to want to do anything when I get a list, but that truly is the only way to really try to circumvent the receiving of unwanted gifts. Though only as much as the gift giver reads your list and abide by it.

That's my PSA.

I remember in the beginning that we would honor requests on lists and buy off the lists, perhaps supplementing with something not on the list that we thought the person might enjoy. It was several years before I even got one thing on my list. I got so much bath and body works over the years that I had to begin including it on my lists to let people know of my allergies. Then I got more. But at least it was scents I could use. I despised making lists from day one and it stinks to be obligated to provide one and then have it ignored when I didn't even want to provide it in the first place. Towards the end, they did get to know me better. But for Pete's sake--don't make me play the game and then do your own thing anyway. (hence why I'm upset that it is cancelled and I'm getting "since people are asking, I thought I'd send it to everybody" lists. )

 

[Boxley]

Just be grateful you got anything.

 

[golfgal]

Just be grateful you got anything.

No kidding--you could have relatives like my Mom who used to not get our kids anything because she didn't think they needed anything (which they didn't) but then they would have to watch their cousins open presents from Grandma and I got stuck trying to explain why they didn't get anything from her.

 

[jrmasm]

Just be grateful you got anything.

Took the words right out of my mouth.

 

[ckay87]

I get what you are saying but the alternative is you providing a Christmas list and I think that is worst.

YES! Thank you, you are the first person I've heard express what I've always believed. DH's family is always asking "what should I get for the boys?" And I think, well, nothing if you have to ask. Now it's just a shopping list - a chore to be taken care of. For me, shopping for gifts involves considering what I know of an individual and translating that into a gift. It tells the person, "I know you and care about who you are. Based upon what I know, I thought you'd enjoy this."

My MIL is the worst with turning gift giving impersonal. DS, 17, just had a birthday and she called him and said, "hey, I put your money in the mail." That's a quote. No happy birthday, nothing. Just like paying him to have a birthday.

 

[greenpea89]

Just be grateful you got anything.

I agree. OP, while I understand your point I sincerely believe it's important to be a gracious recipient regardless of the gift. Maybe, a good idea might be for you to send out a letter to all of your family members and let them know that "Timmy" feels so fortunate that this year he would like family and friends to give gifts in his name to Toys for Tots or another charity that he/she selects. Then take your children to help for the holidays at a charitable organization. I know you have said that you give to T for T but this way even more children are helped whose families would truly appreciate the gifts.

 

[starrzone]

YES! Thank you, you are the first person I've heard express what I've always believed. DH's family is always asking "what should I get for the boys?" And I think, well, nothing if you have to ask. Now it's just a shopping list - a chore to be taken care of. For me, shopping for gifts involves considering what I know of an individual and translating that into a gift. It tells the person, "I know you and care about who you are. Based upon what I know, I thought you'd enjoy this."

My MIL is the worst with turning gift giving impersonal. DS, 17, just had a birthday and she called him and said, "hey, I put your money in the mail." That's a quote. No happy birthday, nothing. Just like paying him to have a birthday.

OH MY GOSH!!!!!! This is EXACTLY what bugs the HECK out of me about my mother. She refuses to surprise anyone with anything. She demands lists and I really think that if I refused to provide her with one, I wouldn't get anything from her.

The other day, my brother was telling her that he'd like a George foreman grill for Christmas. I said to him, right in front of her (oh, she doesn't like to be surprised, either, so this was no big deal) "We should get Mom a toaster oven so she can reheat and cook small things without wasting energy using the big oven". Her response? "Shouldn't you ask me what I want? Don't bother getting me something I might not want". Why do I even bother? I might as well just give her a wad of cash and be done with it. At lest the rest of my family seems to appreciate their gifts!

 

[declansdad]

Regardless of how cheap you may feel the toy is, there is always somewhere that it can be used. There are plenty of kids that would be more than happy with any toy.

 

[minkydog]

YES! Thank you, you are the first person I've heard express what I've always believed. DH's family is always asking "what should I get for the boys?" And I think, well, nothing if you have to ask. Now it's just a shopping list - a chore to be taken care of. For me, shopping for gifts involves considering what I know of an individual and translating that into a gift. It tells the person, "I know you and care about who you are. Based upon what I know, I thought you'd enjoy this."

My MIL is the worst with turning gift giving impersonal. DS, 17, just had a birthday and she called him and said, "hey, I put your money in the mail." That's a quote. No happy birthday, nothing. Just like paying him to have a birthday.

I can see the validity of this statement if you all live close by your families so that everyone knows each other's business thoroughly. But as a blanket statement it doesn't work. Many people actually want to know what your kids want for Christmas. I know I do. I have a niece and a nephew on teh autism spectrum. They are both a little...odd? they have very specific desires--one like books, the other doesn't like books, one likes stuffed animals, the other doesn't like to touch things, etc. If their mothers didn't tell me this stuff I'm sure i wouldn't know WHAT to get them.

We live 400miles from the nearest family members and one family is about 2500 miles away. It is hard for them to know up-to-the-minute gift wishes for kids they see once or twice a year, if that. I always give my sibs a heads-up on what to get because they ASK for it. Now that my older ones are young adults, their aunties send cash. Christian is extremely hard to buy for--he's a 1yo trapped in an adult's body. He doesn't play with toys, do crafts or watch movies. Heck, we live with him and it's hard for US to buy him gifts.

I don't tell my sibs what to buy. I give a few(a FEW) suggestions and then let them decide. My elderly mother has a hard time shopping now, and she doesn't trust the internet. So I buy things for Christian and show them to her. If she likes them, she pays me for them. If she doesn't, then I just give them to him myself.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

I just wanted to chime in and say that I legitamately LIKE getting bars of soap and have since I was like, 10. Seriously, yesterday I asked my mom for a whole list of organic soaps from Vermont Soaps for Christmas, as well as some regular soap from like, Dove etc.

Yes, I ASKED for bar soap for Christmas.

I don’t know why. I just like soap. I like good smelling soap. I like cute ornamental soap.

So I am lol’ing at all these people complaining about getting soap. You can send your unwanted soap to me. I won’t have to buy soap for a year. Ha!

I understand it’s not fun for most people though.

 

[NMAmy]

YES! Thank you, you are the first person I've heard express what I've always believed. DH's family is always asking "what should I get for the boys?" And I think, well, nothing if you have to ask. Now it's just a shopping list - a chore to be taken care of. For me, shopping for gifts involves considering what I know of an individual and translating that into a gift. It tells the person, "I know you and care about who you are. Based upon what I know, I thought you'd enjoy this."

I love a list for my niece's kids. I love them and I know them and care about who they are. However, when I see them, it's usually at my house or their grandmother's house. I have no idea what toys they have at home on any given day. So my niece, at my request, gives me ideas. For example, for the little girls, she told me, "They love Polly Pockets right now. Anything Princess. And they always love the books you choose for them." It's not a specific list but she includes what sizes they're wearing now and a general idea as to what they'd enjoy. And I'd have no clue what to get her 13 yo without a list. I know him very well but he's at that weird in between stage.

 

[LisaNJ25]

OP I can see where you are coming from. I had to tell my mom to stop buying stuff just to buy. She works at Toys R US and would grab things at 75% -90% off and just so much of it. Christmas would be overwhelming with just to much stuff. 3 of my kids share 1 bedroom.. I cant fit all of this stuff.

To save money this year and to cut down on clutter I gave some people suggestions for gifts that would cover more that one kid.

 

[Mrs.Toad]

Is gift-giving just a chore for Santa when the kids send him a list of what they want? Or for wedding guests because there is a registry?

I don't think getting a list, or some ideas of what a person wants, makes the gift selection any less thoughtful or less loving, especially when you don't see a person that much. When my ILs lived near us, saw us often and knew what my dd liked, they did pretty well at picking things out for her. Now that they live in another state and don't see the kids that much, they don't see their tastes change, and they assume that my nearly-7yo still likes princess toys, and that they can pick out clothes for my 12yo! Even I can't pick out clothes for my 12yo!

I love that our relatives ask for ideas. I don't necessarily give them a specific list, but "dd loves crafts, Littlest Pet Shop and horses" gives them enough that they can pick out something she'd like, and I'm sure they'd rather do that than give her something that will collect dust and later get donated to charity.

Oh, and the charities around here are glad to accept used toys. They may check them against recall lists to make sure they aren't harmful, but IME, they are specifically asked for by homeless shelters, new or used.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I love a list for my niece's kids. I love them and I know them and care about who they are. However, when I see them, it's usually at my house or their grandmother's house. I have no idea what toys they have at home on any given day. So my niece, at my request, gives me ideas. For example, for the little girls, she told me, "They love Polly Pockets right now. Anything Princess. And they always love the books you choose for them." It's not a specific list but she includes what sizes they're wearing now and a general idea as to what they'd enjoy. And I'd have no clue what to get her 13 yo without a list. I know him very well but he's at that weird in between stage.

I may have been misunderstood.

I don't like being demanded that I have to provide a list. It's uncomfortable as I don't like to think of what I want for Christmas. IF you need an update on what I or the kids are into that is fine.

My main beef with DH's family is when they demand a specific list (and we're talking lists like you did when you were kids--full on specific items you want and/or need) and then ignore it for 5 years, it gets kind of old.

I have no problems someone asking what my kids are into or updated sizes. B/c interests do change.

But I'm not providing a checklist of specific toy items.

So when asked I pretty much said my girls were into LPS and crafts. They can never have too much of either and chances of duplication are rather slim.


Also--I have no trouble with soap either. But I have fragrance allergies and to have my lists ignored and get items I was allergic to made for many a disappointing Christmasses with DH family.

 

[EthansMom]

OP I can see where you are coming from. I had to tell my mom to stop buying stuff just to buy. She works at Toys R US and would grab things at 75% -90% off and just so much of it. Christmas would be overwhelming with just to much stuff. 3 of my kids share 1 bedroom.. I cant fit all of this stuff.

To save money this year and to cut down on clutter I gave some people suggestions for gifts that would cover more that one kid.

I like the idea of recommending gifts that can be shared. I've also gently suggested gifts of "things to do" (zoo membership, take the kids to a show, etc...) but that has never gone over well since it doesn't contribute to the end result of a huge pile o' gifts.

We have a particular gift giver in our family who prefers to shop the clearance aisle and dollar store. I don't have ANY problem with that, but the person in question buys gifts without any thought about the recipient ("this is a boy item and it's only $10 and I will be giving gifts to 3 boys so I can give it to one of them"). The focus isn't on giving gifts that will be enjoyed but giving the biggest pile of gifts. And, unfortunately, the quality of some of these gifts is so poor that I couldn't, in good conscience, pass it on to even a child who has no toys at all.

Another gift giver used to have a lot of difficulty choosing gifts that were age appropriate, but started asking for "a few ideas" about 3 or 4 years ago and that seems to work out well for them. In fact, we got a couple of phone calls last weekend as this couple was shopping "Does DS have such-and-such video game? Would DD like such-and-such?"

I understand that people don't like the wish list, especially those people who basically treat it like an order form. My kids don't do written wish lists. But, especially as they're getting older, kids have very definite things that they are "into". And, most kids would be happier getting one $40 toy that meets his/her interests than 20 $5 toys that are complete junk.

 

[luvmy3]

No kidding--you could have relatives like my Mom who used to not get our kids anything because she didn't think they needed anything (which they didn't) but then they would have to watch their cousins open presents from Grandma and I got stuck trying to explain why they didn't get anything from her.

I can't believe a Grandmother could be so cold.


OP, I get what you are saying, you are just asking for some thought be put into the gift.

 

[EthansMom]

Also--I have no trouble with soap either. But I have fragrance allergies and to have my lists ignored and get items I was allergic to made for many a disappointing Christmasses with DH family.

This is one reason my DH and I asked everyone to stop giving gifts to us adults. Unfortunately, about half of the extended family members who had been giving us gifts either didn't know us very well or didn't give much thought to our interests and spent their money to buy us gifts that didn't suite us: an entire basket of mango-scented body lotions/washes, a chia head, an entire Christmas village made out of candles, a butter knife with a plastic handle in the shape of a moose's head... Yes, these are all gifts that were actually bought and given to us by close family members the last Christmas we actively exchanged gifts with adults.

That is not to say that any of those gifts were "bad gifts". There is likely someone out in the world who would be in alt to receive an entire Christmas village that they could watch literally melt before their very eyes. However, I have never been a huge fan of burning candles in my home.

I do, however, enjoy reading, knitting, movies, and Sudoku. I have enough hobbies and interests that someone who knows me well could very affordably purchase a gift that I would really love. But, I would prefer that my friends and family keep their money and give me no gift instead of buying me a Billy Bass or Snuggie or whatever the end-cap gift item happens to be so that they can simply check my name off their list... I'd rather have no gifts than to have gifts given out of obligation.

 

[C.Ann]

I think that if someone goes to the trouble to purchase a gift for my child, she and I should both be gracious, grateful and polite..

When someone is kind enough to give a gift for the holiday, please be thankful for such gift. There are a lot of children who will go without a gift this Christmas. Be glad that your child is not one of them.

If what you are throwing away is in good condition, sometimes libraries, schools or other agencies that work with children will accept them. Or you could give them to friends or have your child ask their friends if they want them.

The toys I'm throwing out are cheap, junky toys... The giver purchased several deep-discount ('cause they're really terrible) toys instead of one or two moderate-but-more-appropriate gifts because he/she prefers to give an enormous pile of stuff than one or two gifts that will get some play time. In all good conscience, I couldn't give these items on to another child.

To a child who has no toys - or will not receive any toys - the "cheap, junky toys" would seem like a $50 toy to them.. I have the feeling that as a child you were never in the position of receiving nothing for Christmas (or any other time of the year), but a piece of clothing, some socks, and maybe an orange "if" you were lucky..

What's wrong with buying things on sale? If it's something that I know the person would like and it's on sale so much the better!

Regardless of how cheap you may feel the toy is, there is always somewhere that it can be used. There are plenty of kids that would be more than happy with any toy.

Exactly!!

We have a particular gift giver in our family who prefers to shop the clearance aisle and dollar store. I don't have ANY problem with that, but the person in question buys gifts without any thought about the recipient ("this is a boy item and it's only $10 and I will be giving gifts to 3 boys so I can give it to one of them"). The focus isn't on giving gifts that will be enjoyed but giving the biggest pile of gifts. And, unfortunately, the quality of some of these gifts is so poor that I couldn't, in good conscience, pass it on to even a child who has no toys at all.

And, most kids would be happier getting one $40 toy that meets his/her interests than 20 $5 toys that are complete junk.

Sorry - but again - I don't think you have ever known a family with children who were dirt poor - or came from such a large famliy that there were no toys at all..

As for the part of your post that I bolded - when I worked in the school cafeteria of a school in a very poor section of another city, ANY child there who received "20 $5 toys that were complete junk" would have thought they had died and gone to heaven!!! Half of these kids didn't even have a Christmas dinner..

This whole thread makes me terribly sad.. Maybe if the type of gifts your children receive are so distastefulful to you, you could inform all potential gift givers that from this point they should skip purchasing unwanted gifts for your children and you and your DH can purchase only the toys that you think are worthy and age-appropriate..

Honestly, I don't see any other way you can resolve this "problem".. If it causes you this much stress (and none of us want stress during the holidays), nip it in the bud now and inform the guilty parties that you would prefer they not purchase toys for your children anymore..