Proper wedding etiquette-not attending.

[QJ411]

We got an invite to a wedding for my cousin's sister-in-law. We'll be on the DCL then so we wouldn't be able to attend...but how much should we send?

I tried looking for my gift list from my wedding to see what she gave us, but I can't find the list...

What's the average going price for wedding gifts for not attending? Don't want to offend her, but don't want to over to it either.

Any tips? THANKS!

 

[Rutt and Tuke]

I give the same amount or value gift whether I attend or not. More important to me is my closeness to those involved.

 

[pixie3]

50 ?

 

[reedycreek]

i would probably give 25-50 percent less than i would give if i did go to the wedding...depending on how close i was to the people who invited me.

 

[kadaten]

Originally posted by Rutt and Tuke
I give the same amount or value gift whether I attend or not. More important to me is my closeness to those involved.

Me, too!

We spend $75-100 on friends/co-workers, and $100 or more on family, whether we attend or not. CLOSE friends/family usually get even more...

 

[QJ411]

Hmmm...I'm not close to her at all, but I just don't wanna offend her. They had their wedding ceremony in Hawaii and this is their dinner party...I only met her DH once in July at a BBQ...I don't know. I gotta figure out what's the going rate.


THANKS!

 

[poohandwendy]

I wouldn't worry about offending her, just give what you are comfortable giving. It's a gift, she will be happy with your wishing them well.

 

[ibouncetoo]

I've been developing this new wedding gift theory. Always, my budget is taken into consideration.....sometimes I'm flush, sometimes I'm watching every penny.

New rule #1.
Don't go into debt to give a gift. So I only give what I can afford to do without. I'll skip meals out/movies/that kind of thing to cover unplanned gift expenses, but no pulling out the visa card.

New rule #2 (ok, more like a guideline)
Will I ever see these people again? After years of going to the weddings of gal pals/co workers etc and never socializing with them again after the wedding, I'm feeling kind of burned. So I use this guideline now and give a modest gift to the people who have invited me to their weddings and will spend more on people who are AND WILL BE in my life.

I think, if I were more secure financially, I'd have a set amount like many people do, but right now I'd be in trouble if I received two wedding invitations for December!!!

 

[lilpritch04]

Technically, if you are not attending, you don't need to give a gift. Since you are not close to the couple, this wouldn't be a big deal.

They did give you a gift, so I would give something small. In MN the average gift is $50, so I would probably give $20. I know different regions have different averages so take that info into consideration.

Good luck shopping

 

[CamColt]

Originally posted by Rutt and Tuke
I give the same amount or value gift whether I attend or not. More important to me is my closeness to those involved.

ditto

 

[mrsltg]

You could get them something nice and meaningful at Williams Sonoma or Pottery Barn for under $50. The fact that you've only met them once is interesting. I'm surprised that you were invited! Send a little something, but don't go overboard.

OOOOOHHHHH good idea - what about a Christopher Radko 1st Christmas ornament? It'll run about $30, and it has GREAT sentimental value???

Erin

 

[ahutton]

While not a family member, a close coworker of mine recently got married. We were not able to attend (I can't travel) and so we elected to get them a gift. I'm we're friends with him only - we've never met her. I went through their wedding regestries and found an item that was around $50 - it was a large salad bowl, with small bowls and serving items. I know this couple will entertain, and I know it is something that will get used. That is what I looked for - something practical but nice to have that I know they would use over the years. I probably would have bought the same item if it had been either $20 more or less for that same reason, it is something they'll use.

 

[puffkin]

I would send $25 if you could not attend since you do not know them well.

For closer family and friends I would give the same amount as if I would be attending.

 

[Amberle3]

Originally posted by QJ411
Hmmm...I'm not close to her at all, but I just don't wanna offend her. They had their wedding ceremony in Hawaii and this is their dinner party...I only met her DH once in July at a BBQ...I don't know. I gotta figure out what's the going rate.

Ah, well then you haven't really been invited to a wedding at all - you've been invited to a dinner

Look at it this way, if you hadn't been invited to the dinner, would you be sending them something as a gift for their wedding?

I say, if you really want to send them something, send a nice bottle of wine. "Sorry I can't be there with you to celebrate".

I'm getting married this summer in Vegas. When I get home I'm having a BBQ to celebrate with the folks that weren't able to make the trip to Vegas. I don't expect any of them to bring me a gift - I just want to get together with the people that I'm close to and have a good time.

 

[ballroombelle]

Since you're not that close, I'd go with a more regional standard(of course taking into consideration your own budget). If she's also from the Tri-State NYC area-around $200-$300? But something off the registry would be appreciated too I'm sure. Or even just a nice card!

That wasn't helpful, was it?

 

[DWhittles]

I have a question in a similar vein...
I've been married for 5 years and my son is 9 1/2 months old. I had a bridal shower and a baby shower. None of my husband's cousins gave me a gift or attended either event. My husband's aunts did all the gift giving.
Now all of my husband's cousins are getting married and I feel that turn about is fair play. Should I have to give a gift along with my mother in law? I think that since I didn't get gifts from them, I shouldn't have to give them.
What do you guys think?

 

[SC Minnie]

Send what your gut is telling you. It sounds like you were only invited because you are in-laws and they didn't want to upset anyone not because you knew them well. I wouldn't worry about it. If you can't attend RSVP saying so and send a gift if you like. Gifting should be something you want to do not something you feel obligated to do.

 

[ibouncetoo]

Originally posted by ballroombelle
from the Tri-State NYC area-around $200-$300?

CRIKEY! I didn't spend that much on my SISTER! I know the NE is a whole different world, but OMG I couldn't afford to have any single friends for fear they'd get married!

 

[KathyTX]

Originally posted by ibouncetoo


CRIKEY! I didn't spend that much on my SISTER! I know the NE is a whole different world, but OMG I couldn't afford to have any single friends for fear they'd get married!

ROFL!!!

The "normal" amount spent on wedding gifts varies tremendously by region. The northeast (especially NY) area seems to be the highest, the midwest/southwest the lowest. Cities generally higher, rural areas generally lower. Seems to track with cost of living for an area.

I usually cop out and give a place setting (or two) of whatever dinnerware they've registered for.

 

[NC Belle]

I remember 8 years a few who did not attend my sent a gift or $ in the $20-25+ range. I did not expect a gift from them since I just wanted them to know and celebrate in their hearts.

I'm not getting my sister an actual gift yet since: we have to travel by air, get our dog in the kennel, hotel, car rental, and incidentals that is a lot of money for us already. She was my maid-of-honor who did not have to buy a dress (my folks paid it), lived near by then (we were both in MD at that time), and she helped in the music arranging---the singer at my Wedding Mass was her ex-boyfriend.

I usually buy a gift in the $40-50 or more if I had extra cash or really close to the couple and if I attend the wedding. I haven't had to really send a gift to anyone else if I did not received an invitation or an announcement, but we have a friend that is marrying later on this month that we might give a token gift since we are not invited nor expect to be invited.