Proper punishment for my DD13

[JustineMarie]

Let me start out by saying that my DD13 is a very very good kid. She gets great grades, helps around the house with limited attitude, and stays out of trouble. That being said she does NOT take care of anything. Her room is always a mess, she stains her clothes constantly, ruins sneakers within weeks of getting them, loses things all the time, and basically doesn't really care.

For Christmas she asked for a North Face Denali. I was able to find one on sale and she was very excited on Christmas morning. My Dh and I told her that she had to be very careful with her jacket, make sure she locks it in her locker and if it's not in her locker it needs to be on her body.

This past Monday she had to stay late at school. She rode the late bus home to her friends house to finish a project and apparently she left her jacket on the bus. I asked her on Tuesday morning why she wasn't wearing her NF and she said that she had left it in her locker at school (lie #1). I said to make sure she brought it home. Tuesday afternoon she came home and said that it was at her friends house. She said the mom must have hung it in the closet and that she would get it on Weds at school. (lie #2) As you can guess, Weds after school she said that the jacket wasn't at her friends house and finally admitted to leaving it on the bus.

I was mad that she lied to me, mad that she lost the jacket, mad that she doesn't seem to care that she basically threw away $120. I told her that she was grounded until she could pay us back the money that we had paid for the jacket. She babysits 2 days a week and some saturdays so this will probably take her about 2-3 weeks.

Do you think that I am being too harsh? One reason I am questioning myself is bc the Valentines Day Dance at her middle school is tonight and she is going to miss it and I guess I feel guilty,but she just needs to learn to take care of her things, be responsible, and own up to her mistakes instead of lying to us.

 

[Jennasis]

Was the jacket stolen from the bus or did you try calling the bus comoany to see if it was turned in?

Otherwise a monetary punishment seems fine to me. Make her pay you back for it. IS missing the dance part of the punishment?

 

[luvmy3]

Don't feel guilty you did the right thing.

 

[JustineMarie]

Was the jacket stolen from the bus or did you try calling the bus comoany to see if it was turned in?

Otherwise a monetary punishment seems fine to me. Make her pay you back for it. IS missing the dance part of the punishment?

I called the school and spoke to the director of transportation and the jacket wasn't turned in. I also called the school resource officer bc they have video on all the buses and he is going to look into it for me. DD also checked the lost and found in school and it wasn't there.

I told her she was grounded until she paid for the jacket, so yes, she needs to miss the dance. I just feel awful that this had to happen this week. I told her there will be many other dances but I do feel bad she has to miss this one.

 

[MrsDuck]

I'm not a parent so take my opinion as you will: I think the monetary punishment is sufficient but I'd probably let her go to the dance.

ETA: just read your most recent post about being grounded. There are other dances and if she's grounded, then she's grounded. Stick to your guns then!

 

[suzannen]

Teenagers, by nature, tend to be messy and careless, so I think the punishment of grounding her in general and having her pay back the money so she can better understand the cost of things is a good one. But, I personally would make an exception and let her go to the Valentine's Day Dance. At this age, all of these are pretty important and special, particularly for the girls. But, right after the dance, back to the regular grounding.

 

[NikitaZee]

Teenagers, by nature, tend to be messy and careless, so I think the punishment of grounding her in general and having her pay back the money so she can better understand the cost of things is a good one. But, I personally would make an exception and let her go to the Valentine's Day Dance. At this age, all of these are pretty important and special, particularly for the girls. But, right after the dance, back to the regular grounding.

I agree with all of this

 

[Swimnoid]

My daughter was the Queen of losing things and since she was my height lost some of my jackets too!

If she had owned up to it right away I think paying you back would have been enough. But since she lied about it I think the grounding is appropriate as well.

 

[SueInBoston]

i maybe a lenient parent, but if it was a Christmas gift, why would you ask for reimbursement because it was lost? I understand about teaching a lesson but I don't think Christmas present is the right topic.

grounding for lying is appropriate in my opinion

 

[padams]

Teenagers, by nature, tend to be messy and careless, so I think the punishment of grounding her in general and having her pay back the money so she can better understand the cost of things is a good one. But, I personally would make an exception and let her go to the Valentine's Day Dance. At this age, all of these are pretty important and special, particularly for the girls. But, right after the dance, back to the regular grounding.

 

[I loveStitchnippyjon]

Losing the jacket is one thing, but repeatedly lying about it is much worse.
i vote that she stays grounded for the dance!

 

[roxysmum123]

Under the assumption that you pay for your DD's clothes at this point still:
As a general observation on her carelessness and disregard for her personal property, she needs to start paying for things that need replaced. Soiled clothes get the pitch, and it's up to her to replace it. Once money starts leaving her hands instead of yours, she'll probably value her property a lot more.

 

[NAB]

I get the paying back thing, I don't get why she is grounded until she pays it back. Yes she babysits for money but what if something happens and she doesn't babysit. That is a long time to be grounded.

It was a gift to her. You learned a lesson too, don't buy expensive stuff. Things happen. I understand why she lied. She didn't want to get in trouble. She knew she was so I wouldn't say she didn't care about it. Have you been to school and seen the lost and found piles. Can't believe the stuff left behind that no one claims. New stuff too and wonder why parents don't miss it.

 

[dzorn]

I think she got off light. I would have her replace the jacket but the punishment for not telling the true doubles or triples the punishment around here. Mistakes happen lying about them is worse.

Denise in MI

 

[It'sWDW4me]

My daughter was the Queen of losing things and since she was my height lost some of my jackets too!

If she had owned up to it right away I think paying you back would have been enough. But since she lied about it I think the grounding is appropriate as well.

EXACTLY what I was about to type!

To lose the jacket is one kind of punishment in itself - I would NOT be buying her another. If she has other jackets, she could wear those for the rest of the season and if she now needs a new jacket, she'd be getting a super cheap one from Target or one of the 'marts. But I do agree that she needs to understand just how long it takes to earn the money that bought that nice jacket that she was so careless with. This is a lesson that she'll probably have to learn a few times but she'll eventually learn.

Stick with the grounding. Missing ONE valentine dance will definitely not scar her for life.

 

[It'sWDW4me]

I get the paying back thing, I don't get why she is grounded until she pays it back. Yes she babysits for money but what if something happens and she doesn't babysit. That is a long time to be grounded.

It was a gift to her. You learned a lesson too, don't buy expensive stuff. Things happen. I understand why she lied. She didn't want to get in trouble. She knew she was so I wouldn't say she didn't care about it. Have you been to school and seen the lost and found piles. Can't believe the stuff left behind that no one claims. New stuff too and wonder why parents don't miss it.

Yep - it could be a lllloooooonnnngggg time. Maybe by the end she'll have learned to take better care of her stuff.

 

[MSLRAC]

i maybe a lenient parent, but if it was a Christmas gift, why would you ask for reimbursement because it was lost? I understand about teaching a lesson but I don't think Christmas present is the right topic.

grounding for lying is appropriate in my opinion

I would have to agree with this. I would ground her, including no dance, for lying. But I would not force her to pay for it since it was a gift. I would however make her buy her own if she wanted the jacket replaced.

 

[JustineMarie]

i maybe a lenient parent, but if it was a Christmas gift, why would you ask for reimbursement because it was lost? I understand about teaching a lesson but I don't think Christmas present is the right topic.

grounding for lying is appropriate in my opinion

I understand that it was a Christmas gift, but it was also her responsibility to take care of the gift and I am now going to have to replace the jacket as she is currently wearing a winter coat that is a bit too snug on her.

 

[LisaR]

i maybe a lenient parent, but if it was a Christmas gift, why would you ask for reimbursement because it was lost? I understand about teaching a lesson but I don't think Christmas present is the right topic.

grounding for lying is appropriate in my opinion

I agree. I would not make her pay you back for the jacket. It was a gift. I would learn a very valuable lesson from this and not buy your DD anything nice for at least the next year. If she wants / needs a pair of tennis shoes. shirts or a jacket because she is ruining / losing hers, we'd be off to Walmart to shop. Nothing annoys a 13 y/o girl more than clothes from Walmart! If it continues, I would completely stop buying her stuff regularly. I'd set a clothes budget for the year, give her the money to buy her own clothes and when she stains, rips, or loses it, too bad. She will have to wear it as is.

However, I would punish her for lying. Since the dance is the next thing on her social calendar, that is what she would miss. I would also continue that grounding for another week or two because lying isn't acceptable.

 

[nmmom95]

I have a 13 year old son who sounds a lot like your daughter. He's a great kid, but he really has his head up his butt sometimes. I would not make her pay back the money for the jacket, since it was a gift. I just wouldn't replace it. If she wants a new jacket, she can buy it. Lying, however, is a hill that I would die on. There is no way I would give an inch on the grounding. If it were my child, there would not be an exception for the dance.