Problems with my son, hope I did right

[Amy&Dan]

I posted this whole thing earlier and it wouldn't post so here goes again. First of all, I have never posted on the community board and feel guilty to have my first post here being a thread I started but I'm desparate.

My 11 year old son has been having problems with a group of "friends" who are really just a bunch of punks and bullies. Matthew (my son) is small for his age, and just doesn't seem to fit in very well at school. He has never had a real group of friends until the end of last year. I became a little alarmed when he mentioned some of the things these kids said and did and that they seemed to get in trouble a lot. He didn't get into any trouble and his 4th grade teacher assured me he was doing just fine and that all boys that age go through stages of using bad language and acting tough like these kids do.

Fast forward to this year and he gets right back into the same group who now call themselves a club. Matt frequently gets kicked out of the club because he won't swear and break class/school rules. I talked it over with this year's teacher and she and I both told Matt he needs to find new friends. She has been trying to help him break into a different group, so much easier said than done! Today he came home just kind of "off". He wouldn't do homework and when I told him that due to his behavior no tv tonight he just lost it. He told me "you probably wish you could kill me like everybody at school does". Dh and I were shocked. After some tears he finally told us that two of these kids discussed today that if they had a gun and could shoot anybody at school, Matthew would be the first one they "would take out". What freaks me out is that one of these kids has a dad in prison and comes from a totally dysfunctional homelife. If anybody had access to a gun it would be him. The other kid is pretty much a bully that terroizes his neighborhood and is just generally known as a troublemaker. I find out tonight that they hit my son on the head, shove him, take his snack and threaten him regularly. Kind of your run of the mill bully stuff except this time its my son being the target, not something I'm reading about in a magazine.

I feel so stupid and guilty. I knew these kids were trouble and I should have been more proactive all along. It is so hard when your kid doesn't fit in. I find myself giving in sometimes because I want him to have friends and be happy. I wrote a very strong letter to the teacher and principle telling them I want these kids' parents contacted (hopefully the jailbird dad has a phone or something) and that I want these kids to stay away from my son. We are taking him in tomorrow and verifying that our email has been received and that the school is on top of it. I live in the Denver metro area, where Columbine is our claim to fame. I remember when that happened how people kept saying those two boys were always trouble. Suppose my son is now caught up in something bigger than we can handle?

Oh my God how I hate the world we raise our kids in sometimes! My son is really afraid of these kids and afraid when they get in trouble they will really be out to get him. I don't want to under or over react. Has anybody dealt with something like this before? Am I doing the right thing? What should I do if the school won't do anything. We have a new principle and I have heard she isn't the most on the ball person in the world.

Thanks

Amy

 

[noseybuddy]

I don't have any answers for you but I do know what it is like to have a child who doesn't fit in. My son didn't have friends for a long time, but nothing like what your son is going through. I hope you are able to put an end to this. Maybe get the police invovled, charges against these kids, I really don't know, wish I was able to help.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I can't offer you much advice, but just wanted to send a to you and your son. What a tough situation. Your instinct seems right on. Talk to the principal and make sure they follow through. Document EVERYTHING--what your son has told you these boys have said and done, dates, when you sent the e-mail, what is said when you talk to them, etc, etc.

So sorry you're going through this!

 

[Aidensmom]

I've never dealt with this kind of thing, but my heart really goes out to you, your post brought tears to my eyes, I can't imagine how I would be feeling if that was my son.

I know this might sound extreme, but can your son be switched to another school? I was bullied some when I was in about the 6th grade (at a private school nonetheless) and my parents took me out and put me in public school where I got along just fine. A lot of times bullies have picked their victim long ago, and just always consider that person that way, no matter what their personality. The other kids will stay away from the bullied person so they are not bullied too. But if he has a fresh start, and no one is aware of his bullied status, he will probably make some friends and not be in the same kind of situation.

 

[luvthatduke]

Said a prayer for your DS and yourselves...
I agree with Aidensmom's advice,
as I was the victim for years - literally.
What she said is SO TRUE!

 

[kasar]

That really stinks. Sorry your son is going through this.

Sounds like you're going about it the right way. Just stay on top of things and make sure the school is doing everything they need to do. Best of luck.

 

[Barb D]

My DS14 was bullied at school last year but for the opposite reason as your son...he was (and is) very big for his age. I don't know whether the bully thought he was "tough" for punching a bigger kid or what. DS is not a fighter, and didn't punch back.

Fortunately, the school took it very seriously and dealt with it immediately and forcefully. The kid was suspended for five days, and didn't retaliate.

Definitely take it up with the school administration, and don't rest until they act. I'm astonished that some schools DON'T take bullying seriously, and if ours hadn't I would have pursued it until they did -- even if it meant calling the police.

 

[Papa Deuce]

With that line about the gun... well I would call the police ASAP. Good luck.

 

[MinnieM3]

You poor thing! And your poor DS!! If there was *any* way possible I'd pull my kid outta that school as fast as I could and never look back. Live on mac and cheese and PB and J, but I feel he needs to be out of there NOW!

 

[kerrynic78]

I have no kids so I unfortunately have no advice, but my heart absolutely breaks for your son. It really scares me to think about bringing up kids in the world today with stuff like this going on in the schools, so sad.

I hope everything works out for the best with your son, please keep us updated.

 

[aprilgail2]

Wow, your poor son....is it possible to get him moved to another school? The bad thing (and I hate to even admit to this now!) is that once you tell on these kids it could only get worse...we used to pick on this one kid and when her mom "told" on us we only upped the torture....I am actually ashamed of myself at this point in my life that I did it to that poor kid and had actually emailed her and apologized many years ago and I was truly sorry for that one stupid thing I did as a kid-though it was no where near what is being done to your son!! Good luck and don't hesitate to get the police involved!!

 

[raammartin]

I so feel for you! I would do the same thing you've done. You can't be too careful these days in the world we live in. Protect your child and do what you have to do to make sure he stays away from these bullies! They sound like they have the potential to turn into something worse than that. And, NO, you are not overreacting. This is your child you are talking about.

 

[paigevz]

I agree with the others. I'm sorry as it may be difficult for you, but if there is any possible way, I would remove my child from that environment. If he's in the same grade as these kids, there is probably no way to get him away from them even if he switches schedules/homerooms. Find a way to homeschool or private school him.........or even ask the district if there's any way to have him switch schools. Don't let them minimize what's happening........your poor boy...........this has been going on for a while, and he doesn't know he's worth more than that. He could have friends that would be friendly and like him for who he is. The only way to fix this is to get him out of there. Besides the possibility of them becoming worse to him, he just doesn't know how else to interact there than being the victim. He needs a fresh start, and probably a smaller school.

If you can't homeschool or private school, send him to another district that an aunt/uncle or grandparent lives in. If it's a big commute, let him stay over a few nights of the week.

Let us know what happens.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Thank you so much for all the support. DH and I just decided we are going in together tomorrow and not letting our son back in the class until these two kids are pulled out and it is handled. How do we know the seed hasn't been planted and that one of them hasn't slipped a gun into their backpack? Naturally all kinds of thoughts are going through our heads right now. I just feel so shocked, violated, angry and frightened, I am almost ill. We have talked about pulling him but he loves his teacher and his sister is also at the this school. I feel like if anybody needs to leave the school it should be these other two kids. I am going to wait until we talk with the principle first thing in the morning and go from there. I think I won't be sleeping too much tonight thats for sure. After Columbine and a scare at another high school in this area, this district has put a lot of money and emphasis on anti bullying. I am curious to see if they follow through now. I cannot believe this has happened. Thank you again!

 

[4nana]

First, you should not feel stupid, guilty or over reacting {{hugs}}.

I am shocked and saddened to hear your little 4th grade son is going through this at such a young age. I have 4th and 5th grade DGS's and can tell you for a fact any behaviour of this type in their public grade school or bus would be nipped in the bud immediately. Here, they are suspended for even play touching rough, use of any bad language and there are no clubs of this type allowed. Yes, you definitely need to contact proper authorities and get things settled right away. These boys are definitely headed in the wrong direction, dragging your innocent son along, and your school adminstration needs to take immediate action, as it will only continue to get worse each year. Any and all threats need serious consideration and the gun comment they and your son made is very frightening. You have every right to feel upset, disappointed and ill, as this school system is letting you down. We can't be too over protective with our precious children and I for one would be in school starting at the top. If they don't give immediate action, go to the school board!

Just an idea as for other friends - is your son involved in any type of after school activites where he could become involved with a different group of friends? My DGS's are involved in scouts, soccer, tball and such, that has really helped them develop and make lots good friends.

I am upset for your situation and certainly wish you the best at getting this resovled.
Prayers headed your way, specially for your DS.

 

[CherCrazy]

Good for you for doing the right thing for your son.

School districts need to handle the bullying issue with all the seriousness that it deserves. We had some elementary school age kids in our area who came up with a "hit list" a few years ago. They were very effectively dealt with. Those boys threatened your son. I hope the school district follows thru with the proper punishment and counselling that obviously these bullies need.

It's just so sad what our good kids have to deal with today. Best wishes to you and your son.

 

[megan4777]

You did a great job!!
I was actually told in h.s., by a friend of mine, that he was bringing a gun on a school trip....This was in 1993. I told my mom who fought with everyone to make them actually BELIEVE that he was serious. My mom actually got into a fight with others about this kid and they found him with the gun on the day of our school trip...so much for my word!. You are a great parent. No matter what you do, you will protect your kid!

 

[DWDreams]

I'm so sorry this is happening to your son. This shouldn't happen in any of our schools and I really feel communities need to take responsibility for this problem as it continues and before it gets worse. I'm the mother of an almost 11 y.o. daughter and know well the social jungle that exists at this age. Your son's situation is much, much beyond the norm and I agree with you're demanding action. I wouldn't drop it until satisfied that real action has been taken, not some fluff "we'll speak to him/teachers/parents" that usually gets fed out. I would think/hope that schools in your area (everywhere really)would be well-equipped to deal with this sort of thing given past events. Good luck and I also agree that maybe some attempts at activities/groups could help introduce your son to another crowd -- is there a local YMCA or boys club or some such thing maybe?

 

[Amy&Dan]

First, you should not feel stupid, guilty or over reacting {{hugs}}.


Just an idea as for other friends - is your son involved in any type of after school activites where he could become involved with a different group of friends? My DGS's are involved in scouts, soccer, tball and such, that has really helped them develop and make lots good friends.

I am upset for your situation and certainly wish you the best at getting this resovled.
Prayers headed your way, specially for your DS.

He is involved in karate and Pioneer Boys (Christian boys group much like boy scouts). Both of these groups offer him the support and acceptance he needs. One of the problems is that we have year round schooling in our district. On the track my kids are on, there is one class per grade. The kids you get in first grade you have for the next five years. If I change him he will have a different schedule than his sister. They love each other and love going to school together. I have been on the internet tonight (obviously) looking into private schools. I can move him to another school in the district but he probably won't get the same track. That may be the only course of action however and we are prepared to do what is necessary to keep him safe.

 

[the kabuki]

Personally, if this were my child i would be getting him out of that school. I realize that he likes his teacher and having his sister there, but having this same group of kids with him the rest of this year and the next, well I don't think the situation is going to get better. Even if you talk to the principal and the students' are dealt with. The problem is that no one can possibly watch these kids and your son every single second and surely they will do something when no one's looking. Like another poster said, they've already targeted their victim and at this point I don't think they're going to change their behavior. And I doubt very much they'll be taken out of the school.

Hugs to you and you son!