Problems with my son, hope I did right

[graygables]

My now 17yo DD was threatened in the 4th grade. A couple of boys who were into some inappropriate music for 4th graders were intensely angry with her b/c she insisted that she not have to listen to it in gym class (did I mention that she's precocious? ) They told her several times that they were going to kill her, in the halls, on the playground. The poor thing was terrified. The school's response? The principal looked me in the eye and said, "Take her out and homeschool her. We can't punish the boys, they were just upset and being boys." My DD was waking up sick and crying every day not wanting to go to school for fear of, at the very least harassed, at the worst, harmed, and the school was unwilling to do anything at all to protect her. I did pull her out and homeschool her, she'll graduate in December, a semester early (she took a few months off to travel this year). The boys wound up being trouble at the high school and were expelled. If the authorities had shown some spine and dealt with them young, maybe they would have learned a lesson.

Sometimes you just have to cut bait. I hope you are able to find a solution and that the school is able to recognize the problem and nip it in the bud, instead of letting it fester. Good luck!

 

[Lachesis00]

My son had issues with a kid at his old school... the kid taunted him over and over... Sadly the kid messed with pretty much everyone he felt was weaker...

Well the kid made the mistake of "teasing" about me in front of my son. That is a huge NONO in my son's book. Teasing my son is one thing but bring mom into the picture... NO can do.
My son popped the kid once, knocked him down and said if he ever talked about me or teased any other kid it would hurt a lot worse and he best not go whining to a teacher (the kid didn't, knowing if the school found out he'd been imitating a disabled person plus taunting other kids he'd be suspended plus he knew my son (and other kids) would beat the snot out of him).

We had finally told him as a last resort he could hit a kid (he'd been teased and taunted forever by these 2 kids at his old school... eventually the kids got kicked out of elementary school and had to move). Whats sad is it took several incidents of these kids messing with other kids before anything was done because you know they "were from dysfunctional families" Apparently that made it OK to pick on other kids.
I think they seriously hurt a kid which is how they eventually got kicked out of school.
I just wish I felt it was OK to smack a girl (who seriously messed him up... she was a stalker... a psycho! I was always having meetings at the school about this nasty little girl... I moved him 3x in 2 years out of classes she was in b/c she was so nasty and caused him so much anxiety. The school refused to do anything. I'd be in every couple weeks... wondering why I had to move him when she was the problem. (not just to my son either, thats the sad thing, she just loved picking on boys in general) The girl had serious issues. It got to where he didn't want to go to school the anxiety was so bad.

When this new kid started in, he's lucky my son just popped him once. So much anger had built up over the years (My son is a big kid, always been tall, linebacker looking-- I was always afraid he'd do major damage if he smacked a kid, so we always told him never to touch anyone).

Luckily down here he seems to fit in and have no problems.

 

[phillybeth]

With that line about the gun... well I would call the police ASAP. Good luck.

I agree. Get the authorities involved ASAP so the school can't try to cover it up.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Has anybody dealt with something like this before? Am I doing the right thing? What should I do if the school won't do anything. We have a new principle and I have heard she isn't the most on the ball person in the world.

Thanks

Amy

Well I can only say what I would do in your situation. I would MOVE. I grew up in bad areas full of drugs, fights, etc...
You have to turn tough to survive. DH and I would sell our house in a second.

I am so sorry. It sounds really awful for your son.

 

[Divamomto3]

Well I can only say what I would do in your situation. I would MOVE. I grew up in bad areas full of drugs, fights, etc...
You have to turn tough to survive. DH and I would sell our house in a second.

I am so sorry. It sounds really awful for your son.

Well Columbine was a very wealthy, predominately white area. Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris could definitely be categorized as affluent. The OP didn't really make it seem like she lived in a bad neighborhood. You can move anywhere and there are going to be bullies and bad guys.

Amy you did the right thing. The social deviants (the bullies) need to be either removed from the situation and/or they and their parents need to know that the situation will not be tolerated. Every good kid can't be pulled out and away from their environment so the bullies can win.

Also...the whole "club" reference makes me feel like it's a prelude to a "gang" once these kids get a couple of years older. Your son just needs to totally stay away from these kids if at all possible.

Hugs to you and please update us later today!

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

Amy: I was first going to ask if you were in the Jefferson County Schook District, but you answered my question by saying that he is on year round schooling. I can probably guess what schools district you are talking about, but have you checked into Dennison Elementary and D'Evlyn in Lakewood?

I know this is a very scary and serious situation because I live right across the street from Columbine HS and the shootings took place when I was a senior in HS. My suggestion is to get him away from those kids immediately.

 

[Keli]

I think you should push for the two other boys to be moved to a different track. If I understand it correctly, the two tracks wouldn't come in contact with each other much or maybe not at all? That's how it worked in my dd's middle school so that's why I'm assuming that.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Well Columbine was a very wealthy, predominately white area. Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris could definitely be categorized as affluent. The OP didn't really make it seem like she lived in a bad neighborhood. You can move anywhere and there are going to be bullies and bad guys.

Amy you did the right thing. The social deviants (the bullies) need to be either removed from the situation and/or they and their parents need to know that the situation will not be tolerated. Every good kid can't be pulled out and away from their environment so the bullies can win.

Also...the whole "club" reference makes me feel like it's a prelude to a "gang" once these kids get a couple of years older. Your son just needs to totally stay away from these kids if at all possible.

Hugs to you and please update us later today!

Yep, I live in one of the top three districts in Colorado. I would classify this as a upper middle to upper class part of town. It is certainly not a bad area. The funny thing is that years ago when Matthew was born we left our inner city Denver neighborhood due to gang activity and knowing that there was no way we could send our son to the local school in 6 years time. So we moved to the lovely suburbs, where we could barely afford our house payments. Then we moved again a few years later to a better, more affluent part of the suburb we were already in. This kind of thing is everywhere. I can't afford to move, I couldn't even afford the house I live in today, four years later. Matthew is staying home today. Dan and I will go down there as soon as this principle can see us. Until I know that this thing is being handled no way is he going back. I am going to insist that the principle talk with somebody else in the district superinitendants office. I just feel like the wind got knocked out of me. My parents have both been really sick lately on top of this. My mom has Alzheimers (they think) and my stepdad just had a bunch of problems and is completely wiped out. Time was when I would have gone to them for guidance and support, now I can't worry them and my mother couldn't grasp the situation anyway. I was feeling really isolated and alone and now you guys have all helped me so much! I am surprised that not one of you has thought I was overreacting but then again with today's headlines, we all know stuff like this is really serious. I will post later after we go into the school.

 

[dis4me]

Wow This is horrible to you and your son. Whatever you do don't back down with the principal GO to the superintendent if you have to. THis is way to serious and once the kids find out you are involved it WILL get worse.Please update us after you speak to the principal. I am so glad you are keeping your son home until this is handled.

 

[jenny2]

Overreacting? No way, Momma Bear You've got to protect that child of yours. I hope (for their sake) that the school handles this correctly. Because I tell you, if I were you and they didn't - my next stop would be the police station! This isn't "normal" bullying (if there is such a thing) - they said they would shoot him. I'm getting angrier as I type this. No child should have to feel the way I'm sure your son feels.

Nope, you're doing all the right things Amy. Keep us updated.

 

[we3disneygo]

I have a dd who is in the 6th grade we moved when she was in 3rd grade...we thought was better school district. we have nothing but bad teachers, the principal who does not want to step on any one's toes so he does nothing, a certain group of mothers who run the pta-their kids always get picked for special things,best teachers, got caught cheating they still sat with the person they cheated with and kept honor roll status, we tried for 3 years to make it work and this year put her in a private Christian school, the work is harder, but the kids are much more accepting of each other. she isn't angry when she gets home at night. I hope you can get to the bottom of this and I would contact some one in the superintentants office just so there aware of what's going on. :grouphug hoping for better days for your son.

 

[piglet too]

I hope that the school is able to do right by your son. Threats like these need to be taken seriously and it is better to over react than to under react.

 

[Poohgirl]

Hi, Im very sorry you all have to go through this. My son had a hard time makin frineds when he moved to his new school. Two years later and things are just starting to settle a bit for him. Does you school have a shared or onsite behavior therapist? I tell you, the one at my sons school has been very helpful. Not only can they work with the "bullies" about different issues but they can also work with your son to find a new set of accepting friends. Best of luck to you.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Just last week we had a situation with my DS (4th grade) being bullied. It wasn't physical, although my DS is probably the smallest boy in 4th grade. One boy (who used to be his friend) was teasing him relentlessly and trying to turn the other boys against DS. I called the counselor and the principal and told them to do something because DS was planning to run away!

Luckily the bully in our case is NOT a bad kid who disregards authority and a stern talk from the counselor seems to have brought him back in line.

With the threat of violence there is no such thing as overreacting. If your DS was hurt you would spend the rest of your life regretting not taking immediate action!

My heart aches for you because I know how much we want our little guys to be happy and healthy and be able to go to school and learn and have fun. Our school has zero tolerance for bullying (like my DS was getting) but the zero tolerance for threats and violence is FAR more serious. I am pretty sure threatening someone is grounds for expulsion. Good luck!!

 

[clarabelle]

I just wanted you to know you are not alone - I have a 10 y.o. DD that has some social problems and I see posts like this often.
I tend to think that everyone has these amazing kids and mine is the only one who has trouble.
Anyway a book that has helped for us is called "Raise your childs social IQ" by Cathi Cohen
and another one called;Freeing Your Child from Anxiety : Powerful, Practical Solutions to Overcome Your Child's Fears, Worries, and Phobias (Paperback)
by Tamar E. Chansky
The first has chapters on fitting in, bullying etc...
The second book as techniques for reducing anxiety -which I think sometimes goes hand in hand with social problems
I think you should really use your school. Make them give you some help. Not just in getting your child away from the bullies -but in getting him some social skills coaching -that will help him pick friends and handle bad situations

 

[Amy&Dan]

So the latest update is that my husband and I took Matthew in today and met with the principle. She had pulled all the boys out of the class and talked with them and put calls into all of their parents. None of whom have bothered to get back with her. She did copy an "Executive Director" at the district on my email and talked with him personally about the situation. Pretty much three of the bullies verified that Mr. Head Bully did in fact threaten my son and that yes they all push him and call him names but only because he is "annoying". She told me they get tired of Matthew always asking them, "why did you say that to me" and "why do you call me such bad names" and "why do you hit me on the head". Too **** bad for them was my response. My kid might annoy them but they don't know what "annoyed" feels like until my husband and I call the county sherriff. She has assured me that she feels this threat is disturbing but that she does not feel this kid will act on it. Ahe also told me that Matthew's record of academic performance and the comments from all of his teachers through the years about what a neat kid he is tell her that the problem does not lie with him being annoying or to blame in any way. I told her I want these boys kept away from my son, that he is not to sit at their table at lunch, art or any other setting. Another little boy is also being bullied by these kids and she is in the process of getting his story but said so far his facts match Matt's account. Now she is going to have a lunch group with my son, the other poor kid and the four bullies to help them all come up with ways to get along better. She also informed us, them and their parents that if there is any retaliation, even verbal they will be suspended immediately per district policy. She is putting Matthew in with a group of kids who meet once a week to learn social skills and ways to make friends and deal with this kind of stuff. It is run by a district social worker who is supposed to be calling me later this week.

I feel better but I did tell her we have no patience left with this and that one more incident and we will call our sheriff's office. Also we have decided to put Matt in some counseling to help him to come up with some ways to feel better about himself. The way these kids have been treating him (more stuff came out in the meeting) makes me so sad that he feels the need to put up with that and be friends with these little delinquents in the first place. My husband and I both told her that when he is told, "you have to be mean to a littler kid to be in the club" that that feels very much like a prelude to gang type initiation rituals. Thankfully Matthew has always said he won't do this stuff and how dumb all of that is.

Matthew says he wants to stay in this school and not run away from his problems. He has only this year left. Two local private schools I called this morning are full and can't take him. Another one admitted to me that they have many kids with difficulties who have washed out of public schools so that sounds like jumping from the pan to the fire. I also talked with a friend who works in the district office and has kids in a neighboring school. I asked her if I should move Matt to her kids' school and she tells me their school is worse and that our principle is in fact really on top of stuff like this. She is thinking of moving her kids to our school! I feel like the principle was really on our side. She at no time blamed Matthew for any of this and told him how much he had done the right thing in coming to his parents with all of this. She told him the cowards were the bullies not him.

Once again I am hoping we did the right thing. I feel so confused and torn. Matthew did seem to be really happy to be back at school, his teacher was actually talking with the principle when we got there and she and Matt were so glad to see each other. She told him and us this was ended here and now and that the "club" was done, period.

Thanks again for all of your support, Clarabelle, I am buying those two books you recommended and have put a call into our pediatrician to consult with her and get some recommendations. One good thing, next Thursday is track off day and then he is out for two weeks. We are heading to WDW with grandparents and this will give us some down time to reflect and get some help. Thanks again to all of you!

 

[laurie31]

they all push him and call him names but only because he is "annoying". She told me they get tired of Matthew always asking them, "why did you say that to me" and "why do you call me such bad names" and "why do you hit me on the head".

Saying, "why do you hit me and call me names" is annoying???? Hellooooo - maybe if they would STOP hitting and name calling, he might stop asking. Ooohhh, I hate bullies!!

It sounds like your principal is doing great with this so far. She's taking it seriously and placing the blame squarely on the shoulders of the bullies where it belongs. I'm so glad your son had the guts to say something to you and that the principal recognizes that it did take guts to speak up. I wonder how many more kids are suffering silently

Let us know what happens with the lunch group. I hope this year just got tons better for your DS!

Laurie

 

[Rajah]

I think you should push for the two other boys to be moved to a different track.

What about not just getting them moved to a different track, but pushing to have the entire "club" broken up among different tracks plural?

 

[4nana]

She had pulled all the boys out of the class and talked with them and put calls into all of their parents. None of whom have bothered to get back with her.

There, you have most of the problem in a nut shell ! If any one of my kids had ever cause such a problem, you can bet your bootie I'd drop everything and be at the school in a heart beat!

I am so glad to hear things are out in the open and I can imagine how relieved you must be feeling after the school meeting. Your principal sounds on top of this and with future planned meetings for all involved, will hopefully help all get along and make the bullies realize they can not get away with this. I also hope she monitors these types of clubs and puts an end to them! Again, I am sorry for what your son has gone through and others who have had this type of situation. You are so blessed he felt he could talk to you and you are a very wise and loving mother to have nipped this in the bud {{hugs}}. If only all children were so lucky to have a Mom and Dad like you in their court, the schools and world would be a better place. Wishing you good luck with this in the future.

Have a wonderful trip, WDW with family sounds like just what the doctor ordered.

 

[DisneyMomx7]

I think you definitely did the right thing. I'm thinking of you and wishing you good luck. My oldest ds has Asperger's syndrome so I've been there done that with bullying. Thankfully he's now a senior in college and I always think that the worse of the bullies are probably know where near college now!