Preteens and activities -- how much helicoptering is appropriate?

[Mickey'snewestfan]

My sweet, funny, extroverted but pretty shy 11 year old is going to a new 1,000 student middle school this year where he knows 1 other kid who is 2 grades ahead. He is being very brave about it, but I knw he's wondering about making friends.

One thing that's been important to him in elementary school is technical theatre -- he's been on crew for every performance since he was old enough to join, and has moved up to Assistant Director for the latest show. He loves this, loves helping be part of the show, and from what I hear he's pretty awesome at it too, very organized, very responsible, etc . . . This summer he's signed up to do tech at a drama camp where he'll help out with a big production.

He'd love to do tech at his new school too, and I think it would be a great way for him to connect to other kids and find his niche. However, asking for the tech roles has taken every ounce of courage he has. The first time he couldn't bring himself to ask face to face, even though he's had the drama teacher every year for the past 5 years, and has taken afterschool activities from her as well, plus does out of school activities with her son. So, I helped him craft an email. The other times he did get up the courage to ask, but with lots of false starts (telling me he would, and then coming home and saying he got too nervous) despite the fact that she had outright told him he'd have first pick of roles since he's so great. For drama camp the director of the camp is the mother of one of his best friends since preschool and approached him.

So, I think there's a big chance that if I leave it up to him, he'll never inquire about tech, especially since 6th graders at his new school can't take drama so he'll be asking a complete stranger. I just don't see him asking without a fair amount of mama help. On one hand I want him to learn to stand up for himself and "sell himself" but on the other hand, to deny him an opportunity to participate in an activity that should build his confidence, sense of community and leadership, because he doesn't yet have confidence, seems backwards.

So, how much can I help without being helicoptery? I was thinking of helping him ask the 2 directors/teachers he's worked with for letters of recommendation, not because I think that middle school drama teachers are such snobs that they'd require it, but because I think it might make it easier to start the conversation -- like maybe he could email copies of the letters with a note saying that tech is important to him, is there a time he could come talk, and then hopefully having a scheduled appointment would give him the incentive to do so? But if that's too much, would it be too much for me to send a note saying that my shy kid would like to come talk to you, can you suggest a time when he can come by, and this is what he's planning to say so that the teacher can "guide" him a little by asking the right questions?

To be clear, he'd be happy sweeping the stage and running props out between acts -- he's not expecting to jump into a leadership position as a 6th grader in a huge school.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I would just keep encouraging him to ask.

Eventually he will be able to take drama and will likely get do do those things in a higher grade.

For now, for you to intervene is to solicit special treatment on his behalf. If he wants to do something special, he really should speak up about it on his own.

To me--that says to kind of stay out of it--especially given how it may come across to his peers....or even worse...their parents.

 

[disykat]

So, how much can I help without being helicoptery? I was thinking of helping him ask the 2 directors/teachers he's worked with for letters of recommendation, not because I think that middle school drama teachers are such snobs that they'd require it, but because I think it might make it easier to start the conversation -- like maybe he could email copies of the letters with a note saying that tech is important to him, is there a time he could come talk, and then hopefully having a scheduled appointment would give him the incentive to do so? .

I think this is a great idea. He will still have to take some initiative, and you are guiding him in appropriate ways IMO. I would consider this option less "helicopterish" than contacting the teacher yourself.

 

[kidzmom3]

would helping out with tech in the 6th grade be unusual? I see you said they cannot take drama as a class in the 6th grade, but can they particpate in the productions? If no, then I wouldn't even ask. If yes, I would wait for the regular sign ups.

In our kids schools, drama class is completely seperate from the school productions.

 

[dimimi]

My son is very shy too. I see nothing wrong with talking to the drama teacher...or sending an email. Typically the older kids will get these roles. Your son will have time to shine while he is helping with the theater. Even if you just send the email and then the teacher talks to your son...he still will need to speak some for himself. I know some people may not agree, but if you don't have a shy child, you may not understand.

Our kids moved this year and started school knowing noone. It was a very difficult transition and we did notify some of the teachers so they new.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

would helping out with tech in the 6th grade be unusual? I see you said they cannot take drama as a class in the 6th grade, but can they particpate in the productions? If no, then I wouldn't even ask. If yes, I would wait for the regular sign ups.

In our kids schools, drama class is completely seperate from the school productions.

The school is in another state from where we live now, so I don't have a lot of info -- just what's on the website, but they're pretty clear about other activities that are closed to 6th graders, so I assume this one is open to them. If it wasn't I wouldn't think to ask, I'm not asking for special treatment, and not planning on asking FOR him, just wondering how much help it's reasonable to give him in making it easier to ask. (e.g. helping him draft an email asking for a chance to meet with the teacher and ask, or calling the school and finding out the drama teacher's name so I can tell him who to ask for).

As far as the drama being separate from the play, it seems to be. I just mentioned it because my guess is that for him, asking a teacher you know and who knows you is much easier than finding a teacher you don't know (so asking other people to point them out etc . . . ) and asking them, especially given that they cast the play really early in the year.

As far as "signing up" I am imagining it working like my school (where I teach) and his current school -- that roles IN the play are cast based on auditions, but tech is chosen by the director/drama teacher, and kids who are interested approach the teacher and ask. At his school no one is ever turned away, but there are 10 times as many kids at the new school. If it's a sign up, or some kind of "try out", then I think he could do that, but I'm picturing a situation where he basically has to ask a complete stranger "can I help?" Maybe it doesn't work that way at all.

For the record, if he tries to sign up and they choose older kids or something I won't be disappointed.

 

[kidzmom3]

The school is in another state from where we live now, so I don't have a lot of info -- just what's on the website, but they're pretty clear about other activities that are closed to 6th graders, so I assume this one is open to them. If it wasn't I wouldn't think to ask, I'm not asking for special treatment, and not planning on asking FOR him, just wondering how much help it's reasonable to give him in making it easier to ask. (e.g. helping him draft an email asking for a chance to meet with the teacher and ask, or calling the school and finding out the drama teacher's name so I can tell him who to ask for).

As far as the drama being separate from the play, it seems to be. I just mentioned it because my guess is that for him, asking a teacher you know and who knows you is much easier than finding a teacher you don't know (so asking other people to point them out etc . . . ) and asking them, especially given that they cast the play really early in the year.

As far as "signing up" I am imagining it working like my school (where I teach) and his current school -- that roles IN the play are cast based on auditions, but tech is chosen by the director/drama teacher, and kids who are interested approach the teacher and ask. At his school no one is ever turned away, but there are 10 times as many kids at the new school. If it's a sign up, or some kind of "try out", then I think he could do that, but I'm picturing a situation where he basically has to ask a complete stranger "can I help?" Maybe it doesn't work that way at all.

For the record, if he tries to sign up and they choose older kids or something I won't be disappointed.

I see, its just a difference in schools. At our schools you sign up for the stage crew just like you sign up for auditions. I think helping out a shy 11 year old is not out of line. Do they have a day before school when you can go in as a new student and tour the school? If yes, I would go and see if the head of the drama dept is in. It would be the perfect time to speak and you would be with him.

on a side topic, our middle school also has about 1000 kids. They have a great program for the kids with shyness and anxiety issues. They come to school 1 day the week before everyone else. They are given their lockers, combinations and class schedule. They are allowed to set up their stuff, practice opening their locks and find the classrooms. Often, they get to meet their teachers. It was wonderful for my daughter who had anxiety issues

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

I see, its just a difference in schools. At our schools you sign up for the stage crew just like you sign up for auditions. I think helping out a shy 11 year old is not out of line. Do they have a day before school when you can go in as a new student and tour the school? If yes, I would go and see if the head of the drama dept is in. It would be the perfect time to speak and you would be with him.

on a side topic, our middle school also has about 1000 kids. They have a great program for the kids with shyness and anxiety issues. They come to school 1 day the week before everyone else. They are given their lockers, combinations and class schedule. They are allowed to set up their stuff, practice opening their locks and find the classrooms. Often, they get to meet their teachers. It was wonderful for my daughter who had anxiety issues

Ohhh, that sounds wonderful! I'm not sure he'd need it given that he's not particularly shy around kids, it's adults that freak him out, but given that he's not coming from a feeder school it might help.

I think they have some kind of program for settling the 6th graders in. I know they told me they keep a very close eye on them, and "hold them close". There aren't that many as 1/2 the elementary schools in the district have 6th grade, and 1/2 don't. We chose a place in an elementary district without 6th because I thought he'd do well with one less transition.

After we officially move, I'm supposed to go meet with the counselor 1:1 to choose his classes and go over his transcripts -- I guess they do that with all kids coming in from out of district, it may be that she'll clear all this up anyway.

 

[Wishing on a star]

After we officially move, I'm supposed to go meet with the counselor 1:1 to choose his classes and go over his transcripts -- I guess they do that with all kids coming in from out of district, it may be that she'll clear all this up anyway.

I think that this may be the route to take.
You say that he has been too anxious to ask, in the past.
I suppose I am not understanding just how he is supposed to be asking about a role in Theater Tech when you have yet to even move into the district?

Do you have any idea why certain situations with adults 'freak him out'?

Anyhow, he is an eleven year old faced with a major move involving both his residence and the move from elementary to a very large Middle School. IMHO, other than holding his hand, I see nothing 'helicopter' about supporting him in any way!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

For soem reason, I didn't catch that this was a move.

Anyway, if you are already having to meet with a guidance counselor due to a "move" type situation, there is no harm in asking them.


I had an entirely different impression though when I read your post.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

I think that this may be the route to take.
You say that he has been too anxious to ask, but...
I suppose I am not understanding just how is supposed to be asking about a role in Theater Tech when you have yet to even move into the district?

Anyhow, he is an eleven year old faced with a major move involving both his residence and the move from elementary to a very large Middle School. IMHO, other than holding his hand, I see nothing 'helicopter' about supporting him in any way!

OK, to be clear. He's been too anxious to ask, without a fair amount of nudging in his current school -- where he's had that teacher for 5 years and she already TOLD him that "I really hope you sign up for the next play because you are so awesome and responsible. Let me know early what job you want and I'll save it for you." If it's been hard to ask in that circumstance, I'm guessing that finding a stranger in a huge building and saying "Hi, I'm Joe. Can I have a job on the tech crew for the play?" would be much harder.

I guess it's obvious that, while I'm excited about the opportunities this move will afford him, I'm also worried for him -- I hope he finds opportunities to connect with activities, adults, and other kids at school, and I don't want his shyness to get in the way. So, I'm trying to think ahead and figure out a game plan.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I definitely think that you should address this when you show up to get him started in school.
In this case, that is not 'helicopter', IMHO.
As long as you are 'supporting' him, and not going above him and in front of him pulling him along...
Maybe that phrase is a good way to distinguish 'helicopter'!

Of course you don't want shyness to get in his way!
From what you have written, though, I am wondering if this is not 'shyness' but some type of anxiety????

You say he is not socially shy, and he has had no problem being a leader on the crew, etc.... So, I am a bit confused.

I guess if it were my son (who is the same age) I might be beginning to wonder just what might be the reason for this level of anxiety in these particular situations.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

For soem reason, I didn't catch that this was a move.

Anyway, if you are already having to meet with a guidance counselor due to a "move" type situation, there is no harm in asking them.


I had an entirely different impression though when I read your post.

I'm curious what that impression was, I certainly didn't mean to mislead.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Well, I definitely think that you should address this when you show up to get him started in school.

From what you have written, though, I am wondering if this is not 'shyness' but some type of anxiety????

You say he is not socially shy, and he has had no problem being a leader on the crew, etc.... So, I am a bit confused.

I guess if it were my son (who is the same age) I might be beginning to wonder just what might be the reason for this level of anxiety in these particular situations.

I'm going to go on a limb....

I do fine socially and for the most part always have in regards to once I get to know people.

But for some reason--if I have to inquire about something and the possiblity of a "no" response would upset me--I freeze and cannot ask. Yes, it is anxiety.

(For this reason--I am so not sales-person material and you cannot count on me to call people to see if they will be doing xyz and phone trees paralyze me.)

Maybe in his case--he fears that the answer will be "no"--even if he is assured it will be a "yes" by a pre-invitation as OP has stated his past teachers have done by saying "I hope you'll sign up..."

I'm not really saying it quite correctly--so I do apologize. I'm just wondering if maybe his anxiety is a fear of rejection, I guess--sort of.

(Clear as mud, right?)

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I'm curious what that impression was, I certainly didn't mean to mislead.

Ohh....no no no...I was not mislead--I'm just 9 months pregnant and foggy and stink at reading comprehension now-a-days.

When I went to middle school--it was a new school b/c it merged many schools and it felt like going to new school and not knowing anyone by the 30 kids in my class from the prior year.

So I was (incorrectly) picturing, an intervention in a normal situation instead of as a transfer student. I transferred students a lot and my mom would always have discussions with the school and I knew what to expect b/c she did all the research on my behalf as a parent would do.

But my foggy pregnant glasses were on and it just flew wayyyyyy over my head. So my apologies!

 

[golfgal]

For as much as you hate for kids to miss out on things, I think middle school is a good time to get used to taking to adults. I would encourage him as much as possible from home but no more than that. If he misses out on helping in 6th grade, maybe that will be what it takes to speak up in 7th grade on his own. This is a life skill that everyone needs to have.

I am also trying to figure out how you have a shy extrovert .

 

[2cats1kid]

No opinions on the drama/tech thing, but you can easily have a shy extrovert. My DD (12) will be in agonies going into a room with 6 people she doesn't know, but will happily get up on stage and perform in front of 200 people she doesn't know. It's all to do with familiarity of the situation (rather than the people) and confidence that she can do the performance as she has rehearsed it a gazillion times.

Sorry, a bit OT, but I see no conflict in being extrovert in some situations and shy in others.

 

[Tinijocaro]

I would stop worrying about being helicopter and help your son out if he needs it-he's 11, not 18. Give him a chance to try, then send out an email explaining that he's shy with adults but would love the opportunity to help out. Help is always needed on sets so I'm sure he will be welcome.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

I would stop worrying about being helicopter and help your son out if he needs it-he's 11, not 18. Give him a chance to try, then send out an email explaining that he's shy with adults but would love the opportunity to help out. Help is always needed on sets so I'm sure he will be welcome.

 

[golfgal]

I would stop worrying about being helicopter and help your son out if he needs it-he's 11, not 18. Give him a chance to try, then send out an email explaining that he's shy with adults but would love the opportunity to help out. Help is always needed on sets so I'm sure he will be welcome.

I'm sorry but my kids would have been MORTIFIED if I did something like that. The point is, he is in middle school now and needs to learn to do these things for himself, LONG before he is 18.