Preschool Issues - Need Suggestions

[Kit'smommy]

I really need some help deciding what to do with my soon to be 5 year old preschooler.

My son is an only child. I had some issues for the last couple months of my pregnancy that resulted in him having some minor issues. He is overall healthy and well-adjusted, but has lagged behind his peers a bit physically, intellectually and emotionally.

He is a sweet, but high-strung and emotional child. He is also not aggressive in the least and would rather play gently with the slightly younger children in our neighborhood or with a couple of rather quiet girls in his class. He is not a rough little boy. He is sensitive and affectionate but not clingy.

My mother keeps him when he is not in school and has kept him since he was a couple of months old.

Last year, he attended a small local preschool twice a week. He had a couple of weeks of issues with separation anxiety, but the rest of the year was uneventful. Overall, he loved school and his social skills improved dramatically. I can't say enough good about his teacher.

He now attends class every weekday morning. This year started out fine. Then around Halloween, a boy from his class started being very mean to him on the playground by not letting him play in the sandbox or with certain other toys and then telling him he was "in jail" and had to stay in one spot. Also another boy hit him at least a few times while out on the playground. I think the behavior was pretty subtle and the teachers didn't catch on to it very quickly. Anyway, it was stopped and I do not believe that the same misbehavior has been repeated at least since Thanksgiving. DS didn't tell us or his teacher about it for some time (he doesn't "tell" on anyone) and we didn't find out about it until he had a meltdown before school one morning.

We have tried to reassure him, but nothing has worked. He cries from the time he gets up in the morning until he goes to school (1.5 to 2 hours) and begs to not have to go. He prays it will rain, so they will stay inside and watch a movie and not go on the playground. He brings up being scared to go on the playground at school 2-3 times every night and at least 10 times a day on the weekends. I do not think this has anything to do with separation anxiety.

His teacher tells me the bullying has stopped, and I believe what we complained about earlier has stopped as DS says that the earlier issues have not occurred recently. However, his teacher also tells me that "boys will be boys" and DS is just going to have to learn to deal with others. Her assistant told my mom that the teacher is very firm with DS and that she tells him he is a big boy and basically needs to cope with things now. She also said that he only gets more upset if they try to comfort or coddle him (which is completely the opposite of the reactions any of my friends or family have with him if he is upset).

The teacher, principal and teaching assistant say he is fine once he gets settled in the morning. However, as a parent, I recognise a difference between "fine" and actually happy to be somewhere. I think he is in a physically safe environment, but he certainly does not feel safe and I don't think it is as loving a class enviroment as he was in last year.

I am worried about pulling him out as I don't want him to think he can get out of going to K-5 next year by melting down every morning as he has to go to school. However, we can't do this for four more months. This child is so traumatized by whatever happened that he cannot let it go. As I can still remember every little detail about the girl who tormented me in K-5 (and I'm 35 now!), I am not going to trivialize his concern.

No one at the school has been able to offer any suggestion, and we are at the end of our rope.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

 

[ladulce]

I owned a daycare center for several years, and, facilitate classes is effective parenting for 7+ years. I also have a newly 5 year old son in preschool! I have run across similar situations to that which your son is expressing.

Please don't worry about the other teachers or the principal. They are not your responsibility, and, who cares what they think. I would recommend "visiting" the school during recess. Explain to your child that you "happened to get off work this one day, but only once" and play with him on the playground. It will re-solidify his safety while he is there, and, encourage him to go on different toys, etc.

I would talk to the teachers and principal and point out that if my child is experiencing a problem there IS a problem and they have an obligation to assure that he is confident at school. If they aren't going to fulfill this obligation, I would threaten reporting them to the school board, or whatever the governing body is there. When I was teaching in a daycare center while in college I was APPALLED how some of the teachers would label a child as a "complainer" and basically underscore anything the child went through because they simply didn't "like" the child.

By all means, protect your son. If he can't be happy there and you need to move him, I would do so post haste. I don't think it is a good precedent, obviously, but, him being horrified will have far more long-lasting negative effects.

Lastly, I would talk to the other parents and explain in GREAT DETAIL the trauma that my child is going through and make it abundantly clear that I expect this behavior to never again occur. Point out that children LEARN to be bullies and that what her son is learning is potentially far more devastating than what your son has learned. I would approach it as a "friend" and express my concern regarding the other boy.

I wish you the best. You have to protect your son. Nothing else matters in the equation. IF he doesn't have a positive pre-school experience, he will be less likely to have a great kindergarten experience, which can effect his life-long education.

 

[emma'smom]

If this were my child (and I have a preschooler too), I would be thinking a few different thoughts (not necessarily in a specific order):

(1) How difficult would it be to enroll in a different preschool for the last four months?

(2) "Boys will be boys" is not an answers I would be satisfied with...."needs to cope" requires coping skills that need to be taught. What skills can you and the teacher teach him?

(3) Is there a way that that recess can be optional (or that he can work on an activity at a picnic table or something if he needs to be outside) until he feels more comfortable with the situation?

At this point, I might assume that regardless of the reality of what is happening on the playground, he may have built it up so much in his mind that it triggers panic regardless of what is actually happening.

(4) Can a "plan" be put into place so that he has a process he can follow if he becomes uncomfortable on the playground-- (thus he moves to self-comforting which might de-escalate the problem with getting more upset when he is comforted)?

(5) Are there supervised group activities that a teacher could run that he could be part of (and thus decrease any chances of rougher play/negative interactions with peers) like circle games, etc? This might mean that the teacher has to do some additional planning, but "follow the child" is part of the ethical responsibility of preschool teachers.


Good luck!

 

[Kit'smommy]

I greatly appreciate your responses.

If we take him out, he will just be out of school until K5 starts in the fall. There is no other preschool around us that is a good option.

(3) Is there a way that that recess can be optional (or that he can work on an activity at a picnic table or something if he needs to be outside) until he feels more comfortable with the situation?

At this point, I might assume that regardless of the reality of what is happening on the playground, he may have built it up so much in his mind that it triggers panic regardless of what is actually happening.

(4) Can a "plan" be put into place so that he has a process he can follow if he becomes uncomfortable on the playground-- (thus he moves to self-comforting which might de-escalate the problem with getting more upset when he is comforted)?

I appreciate comment number 3 because I had already asked if there was some way he could be at least temporarily removed from the situation causing the stress, but was told that was not an option. He would be perfectly happy to sit and color (or something else) indoors or out.

Comment number 4 is also very applicable. Last year when he was struggling to adjust to the 3 year class, my mother (who lives about 5 minutes away) wrote her name and number on a piece of paper and told Kit to tell his teacher if he had to have her and she would come. She told him this was not to be abused. He never asked that my mom be called. Just having the paper and promise to come immediately was enough of a security blanket. DS has had the same piece of paper this year. He did melt down at school one day this year after this happened and asked for the first time that she be called. The teacher told him that he was just upset and not sick and no she wouldn't have my mom called. (Yeah....Thanks)

I feel better after just reading these two responses. I am pretty logical and clear headed. I no longer feel like I am just going "mama bear."

 

[Luv Bunnies]

My son is an only child. I had some issues for the last couple months of my pregnancy that resulted in him having some minor issues. He is overall healthy and well-adjusted, but has lagged behind his peers a bit physically, intellectually and emotionally.

This part caught my attention since I work with special ed preschoolers and have a child of my own with special needs (13 year old boy w/Asperger's).

If your son is a little bit delayed, he won't react to situations like most 5 year olds. My son is emotionally younger than his age and tends to hold on to minor issues for a long time. It's tough to get him to just let things go. My son also has some anxiety issues related to his condition and it sounds like your son might also have heightened anxiety as well.

Does your preschool divide kids into classes by age level? If so, he may do better with younger kids for a while. If he was in my class and he was afraid of a certain boy, I would pay him extra attention at recess and try to keep that boy away from him. If you son is delayed, the "boys will be boys" response doesn't work. He needs someone to make him feel comfortable and keep his anxiety level down. Otherwise, he'll have a hard time letting go of what happened in the past.

If he's melting down every single morning, this is a major issue to him. I wouldn't necessarily pull him out. That will only teach him that the meltdowns will get him what he wants. I do think some attention needs to be paid to this situation at the school level. It's obviously bothering your son and if he has minor issues, he's not going to just get over it without a little intervention. Good luck!

 

[zoemurr]

certainly ask to go volunteer in the classroom, or stop by when they go outside.

Are there some other kids you can have over for playdates? Maybe if he is excited to go see someone who is a great friend they can help the transition.

I wouldn't hesitate to pull him if it isn't working either.

However, it does seem that (if you believe it has stopped) he has built this up in his mind much bigger than it actually is. Is there any chance he would benifit from being evaluated? Maybe having an aid help him with social issues would be beneficial? You said he had some special needs, but not if he is receiving any type of therapy.

When my son was upset about going to school, I found a small pin that I had (it was of a little boy) and pinned it to the bottom of his shirt where it wasn't very noticeable. He could touch it if he missed me. It worked well for us.

Also, as for the phone # thing.. I'm glad it made him feel better, but unless the parent had specifically said to call them if he asked I would not have let him call either just for asking, unless I thought something was really wrong that we couldn't deal with. That is not a pattern that I would want to get in to.

On another note.. I teach preschool.. why the heck are they watching movies? They are only there for a few hours right? They can't find something else interesting to do? I know this wasn't your problem (and that he acutally likes these days) but that would really upset me as a parent.

 

[Kit'smommy]

Also, as for the phone # thing.. I'm glad it made him feel better, but unless the parent had specifically said to call them if he asked I would not have let him call either just for asking, unless I thought something was really wrong that we couldn't deal with. That is not a pattern that I would want to get in to.

The teachers knew they were supposed to call my mom or me and last year's teacher had no issue with this. This is much like your pin. Just knowing someone can get him makes him more comfortable.

 

[Kit'smommy]

On another note.. I teach preschool.. why the heck are they watching movies? They are only there for a few hours right? They can't find something else interesting to do? I know this wasn't your problem (and that he acutally likes these days) but that would really upset me as a parent.

They watch an episode of Curious George or Clifford when it rains instead of going on the playground. I am fine with that as are the other parents with whom I have spoken.

If your son is a little bit delayed, he won't react to situations like most 5 year olds. My son is emotionally younger than his age and tends to hold on to minor issues for a long time. It's tough to get him to just let things go. My son also has some anxiety issues related to his condition and it sounds like your son might also have heightened anxiety as well.

He was a growth restricted baby. He made it to 38 weeks but the doctors think he stopped developing much earlier. He has lagged behind most of his classmates and is much closer on an emotional and physical level to the younger class. Although he has been running a little behind, he is still progressing at a normal rate. He is just slighly behind where other nearly 5 year olds are.

 

[sdarwkcabemanmy]

He is overall healthy and well-adjusted, but has lagged behind his peers a bit physically, intellectually and emotionally.

This especially caught my eye, as I have a special needs preschooler who is almost 5 myself.

Does your school district have a seperate, special ed preschool? They can test him and see if he qualifies for their services, at which poiint he would be given an IEP (I forget what IEP stands for..Individual Education Plan I think) and found a placement in one of their classes.

 

[Aneille]

Speaking of Special Ed classes my town has an Intergrated Preschool program. My children attended it as community students and I loved it and they did too. If your town or neighboring town has one it might be a good choice. If your child didn't qualify for a service he may still be able to attend as a community student and would benefit from the extra care that a class like this can give. The children in the Intergrated Program receiving services are on plan to be mainstreamed in K.

I would call your school district and find out.

And to answser your question: I would set up a time to talk with the school and get suggestions on how to help him cope. He obviously needs to learn this skill and he's having a hard time with it. If they don't help you, I would talk to your pediatrician and see if they have any suggestions. I feel the teacher is correct in that he does need to be able to handle the other kids on his own but I would think a big part of preschool is learning this and the teacher should be more helpful.

 

[mjkacmom]

This especially caught my eye, as I have a special needs preschooler who is almost 5 myself.

Does your school district have a seperate, special ed preschool? They can test him and see if he qualifies for their services, at which poiint he would be given an IEP (I forget what IEP stands for..Individual Education Plan I think) and found a placement in one of their classes.

2 of our elementary schools have special ed preschool classes - it's great! They even bus the kids - the only school busses our town has are special education.

 

[DannysMom]

She told him this was not to be abused. He never asked that my mom be called. Just having the paper and promise to come immediately was enough of a security blanket. DS has had the same piece of paper this year. He did melt down at school one day this year after this happened and asked for the first time that she be called. The teacher told him that he was just upset and not sick and no she wouldn't have my mom called. (Yeah....Thanks)

Poor kid! He had a plan for comfort when he needed it i.e. 'in a crisis they can call Grandma' -- and the teacher refused! Of course he doesn't believe or trust the teacher! He does not feel safe there, there was an agreement and when he called on it, it was breeched.

It does sound like a total mis-match between your son & this teacher. I'm guessing that there isn't another class that he can be moved to? I think you've already posted that there aren't any other good options for switching schools. No real helpful thoughts other than, do what you think is best, even if that includes pulling him out. Good luck.

 

[Kit'smommy]

At this point, he has not been tested for any learning disabilities and we have not noticed anything other than what we expected (for him to lag behind a few months).

I had a conversation with his teacher (we have already had a couple of long discussions via phone and my mother has voiced some concerns in person) after I wrote the original post. A couple more things that concerned me came to light.

This child has always been really good at eating meals, but does not like eating in the morning. As soon as he stopped taking regular bottles he stopped eating before around 11:00 in the morning. After that point, he was open to eating his meals and snacks and we have had no issues with him as he liked healthy food and was staying on his growth curve (he is mr. below the 25% percentile so he is smaller, but has held onto his curve). I am the same way about eating in the morning, so I really didn't push it. He suddenly stopped eating well a few months ago and started being much more difficult at meals (being picky and not eating or gagging and spitting food out when we tried to get him to eat). He also complained that he didn't want to eat his snack at school. I said, fine then just don't eat it and you can have lunch with your grandmother. I thought it was just your typical contrary behavior for an almost 5 year old. Today, I found out his teacher was really trying to coerce him to eat his snack. He dug his heels in and refused to cooperate with his teacher and did the same with us. She has eased up on him and he has become better at home recently.

The teacher also had expressed concern that he didn't have a good buddy at school. Several other people have indicated that he is close to a girl from his class as well as another from the other class. He talks about them constantly and I have seen that he chooses to interact with them at other events in and out of school. They are all quiet and play very sweetly together. I am wondering if she missed this, what else has been overlooked.

Poor little guy! I am really torn, and hate to pull him out, but I don't really see this situation improving that greatly. I don't need to have a child emotionally scarred by preschool of all things.

Thanks for the replies. I will post here when I decide what to do.

 

[tanyaandallie]

I take it there is only 1 class for his age group at the school? It sounds like his teacher might not be the best fit for him. It sounds like rather than helping him get through the situation she is pushing in the wrong ways. There are ways to help and anxiety ridden kiddo get comfortable but her ways are very obviously not working for him. Sure he needs to be a big boy and cope, etc. but he is only 5!!!! She should give him a break and help him out in the right way and saying "boys will be boys" is not the right way. It just really sounds liek she is not the best teacher for him.

I have no great advise for you. You have already received tons of it. I hope you are able to work it out. I would try very hard even if it means constant talks with the director and the teacher. I don't think that not going to preschool would be horrible but I do think it's very helpful in the transition to kinder. My dd started kinder this year and it's just so much. She only went to preschool 2 days a week (9 to 2) but I am glad she did! Even the little bit she went helped prepare her for the next step.

Good luck!!!

 

[Astro Orbiter]

Can I recommend a book? "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" was recommended to us by a psychologist that DD went to for a few weeks when she was acting out at preschool.

It's clear to you that your son's not happy - so when he brings it up and you've got time to talk, question him, talk to him, and try to work through this together. What's really bugging him? Is it still happening? Or is he afraid it's going to happen again? That the boy rejected him? The thought of jail? Or is fixation on recess merely his way of expressing something more is bothering him? What can he do when he gets bugged? Tell? Find a new playmate? Play by himself? Sit by the teacher? Stomp his feet? How should he tell someone he's not going to go to jail? What does he like about recess? What can he look forward to? What's his favorite thing on the playgorund? What's his recess 'talent'?

You might also request a sit-down conference with the teacher and principal. Get everyone in the same room, come with an agenda, and see if you can come to a compromise beyond "toughen up". DD was allowed to go sit in the director's office if she needed a break during the day. Maybe he can skip recess 3x per week, then 2x, then 1x, then go every day? Or can your mom observe recess a few times a week for a few weeks?

Don't forget, though, that he needs to figure this out. Meanness from other children will continue. You're not going to find a loving caring environment in every classroom. I'm not uncaring here - I went through the same myself, with DD in her pre-school. And ended up keeping her in the same room even though I did not agree with how the teacher managed her room and how DD fit into that room.

 

[pl'smama]

Kit'smom, my heart goes out to you and your little boy. You do sound very knowledgeble of the whole situation and that is terrific. Many people would just ignore their child's pain for the sake of "kids being kids" and that is never the right answer, IMO.

Thankfully I have not had to confront this type of situation with my DD. She is five and in senior kindengarten. However, my sister (now in her 40's) had many issues at school and my mother was her fierce protector. I remember it well. My mom would always go to the school personally to see the teacher and principal if she felt things were not being handled properly. We have this right as parents and as long as you are level headed and not yelling at the school then they will hopefully see this in a postive way.

I know that for my sister and now her son (he is almost 13 and has had major issues in school) the best results for both came after the move to either a different school or getting a different teacher. No offense to teacher in general. The majority of them do an amazing job, some of whom are my closests friends. But not everyone is a good fit and it seems to me that your son's teacher is trivializing his situation. I would either have his class changed ( and be firm on this, go to the school board if needed) or pull him out for the last four months if there is no other option.

Yes it is important that your child learn how to deal with these types of situations in life, but he also needs to know that you beleive him and that he can trust you to be his protector when he needs it. I can see that you are. Another thing that strikes home having my own five year old is that at this age they are still so very young. They need to learn life lessons, but not all at once. If he is so traumatized by whatever happened there is not shame in just walking away from the place and trying anew come the fall.

Good luck and God bless. Trust your instincts.

Suz

 

[karibritt01]

I have two suggestions (didn't read it all, so I apologize if these have been said.)

* Invite a friend from his class over for a playdate at your home. That would encourage bonding between them, and possibly allow him to feel more comfortable going to school. You could do this with a new friend each time, creating a bigger group that your son is comfortable around. Also, I suggested doing this at your home because that is where your son feels the most comfortable, safe, and powerful.

* Purchase a "special" toy for the playground, and let your son take it in too surprise the class. It could be sidewalk chalk, cheap playground balls from Wal-Mart, new sand toys, etc. It should be enough for all of the kids to participate together.

* Start a reward chart for your son at home. For each day that he doesn't cry, gets a good report, etc, he could get a sticker. 10 stickers = a small prize.

Hope some of these will help you out!

 

[mom2princessj]

I don't have advice but I wanted to say how sorry I am that you are dealing with this. I have a 5 yo DD and she is so soft spoken and sensitive I'm dreading the day she has to go through bullying. She doesn't take rejection or meaness by others very well.

I don't like how the teacher is handling this and if I couldn't get some type of cooperation I'd probably just pull my child. No need to make school a bad place for him. My kids both enjoy school so much they cannot wait to go. This is preschool and suppose to be fun for the kids not tramatic

I hope you get this figured out. Bullying is something I really dread having to deal with especially with my dd. She never sticks up for herself no matter how many times we talk to her about how to handle herself in those situations. She just tells one of us that someone's been mean or she stands there dumbfounded that someone is acting that way. My heart goes out to you and your son...I hope you find a solution that makes you all happy

 

[karibritt01]

Alright... now I did go back and read through it all! One thing that struck me is that the bully on the playground may be what your son is expressing anxiety over, but I don't think that is the real issue. Seems to me that the real problem is the teacher and the way she behaves. I don't know where you are, but in NC it is illegal for a teacher to coerce a child to eat in any way. The fact that she is forcing him to eat needs to be looked into. Also, while most states do require that preschool kids spend XX amount of time outside per day weather permitting... they do not have to be up and running. If your son chooses to sit and play quietly by himself, then he needs to be allowed to do so. I believe I would take my concerns to the director if the situation doesn't improve. I would also contact the Dept of Child Development (or whichever governing body in your area oversees daycare facilities) and ask for a copy of the guidelines, so you can see exactly what your childs' rights are. Last, I would seriously consider a recording device in his backpack one day to hear exactly what goes on in the classroom when no one else is around. I worked in a daycare at one point, and heard a teacher tell a 3 yr old that if she didn't behave, she would pull her fingers off. Another teacher would walk around during naptime, and "accidentally" step on the fingers of children who were playing instead of resting. Needless to say... I was there less than a month!! Just thinking it might be helpful to be able to hear what goes on during a typical day.

 

[WantToGoNow]

I have a dd5 in preschool and your post brought tears to my eyes. Your little guy is obviously unhappy there and it sounds as if the teachers are not willing to cooperate to make things better. I would talk to the Director (or whoever is in charge). Maybe going over the heads of the teachers might get some forced action. I don't think your request of him doing something quiet during playground time is unreasonable - why should he be forced to run and play with the other kids if he doesn't want to. If they don't cooperate, I would take him out. If he's afraid to go to "school" now, what's it going to be when he has to go next year.

We were having this problem with ds7 in the fall (2nd grade). He had been having a problem at home with these 2 boys ganging up on him and beating him up (both live on our street a couple of houses away). One time there were 3 boys on him - one holding him down while the other two kicked him. Both times he fought back and somehow he managed to get blamed for the fights (he bit the boy in the chest that was laying on him while the others kicked and he scratched the other boy). He no longer associates with them at home so I thought all was well. One day he came home from school very upset - these two boys tied him to the basketball pole with a jumprope. The next week I had a parent-teacher conference. On the way to the school he told me it happened again that day. I told the teacher and it hasn't happened again and they've also stopped calling him names in the hallway. The difference was his teacher was willing to take action.