preschool dilemma-please give advice

[crazy4disney01]

I have always gone to this board for great WDW advice, and everyone has been great. Now I need advice about my DD (4) beginning preschool...

She has never been away from me or my DH. Our families live two hours away and we've never had a reason to have her stay with them. Her teacher told me today that she didn't want me sticking around that it would be harder on her and I understand her point. I've tried talking to her and telling her that it would be fun but she's against it, naturally. Has anyone ever gone through this and can give me some good advice? I know she will love school, but I don't want her to think I've abandoned her. They said they'd call if she keeps crying which is comforting.

We had thought of this summer having her stay with my parents for just a hour or so to get her use to the idea. BUT, my dad was emotionally and physically abuse to me and even though he has mellowed out I still worry about his temper. My mom is very negative and critical so to have her stay with them is hard to even consider. My DH's mom is ok but hates to tell my DD "no" and sometimes lacks some common sense so again-worry!!! I know that they love her and don't want anything to harm her but still...

Anyhoo, thanks in advance for helping me!!

 

[mcr5298]

I don't neccesarily have any advice. I just wanted to wish you luck. My DD will be 4 in September. Our cutoff date in New Jersey is October 1st, so she was able to start a preschool class last Fall. However, she was the youngest in her class. We are actually keeping her back so she can catch up with the kids in her class agewise. But that's another story!

We started her off with three half days and then moved her up to five half days. Luckily she loved school and never even noticed that we had left the first day. Her teacher allowed the parents to bring their children in the classroom during the first week. After that, they were told to stay away. We drop the kids off at the curb and the teachers bring them into the classroom. I know that it's very hard. And it may take a few weeks, or longer for your DD to adjust. You just have to reassure her that you will be back to pick her up. I hope that she will learn to love school! Maybe your DD will handle it a lot better than you think? Just try to not let her sense that you are nervous or emotional. Good luck to you and your DD!

 

[mcr5298]

I don't neccesarily have any advice. I just wanted to wish you luck. My DD will be 4 in September. Our cutoff date in New Jersey is October 1st, so she was able to start a preschool class last Fall. However, she was the youngest in her class. We are actually keeping her back so she can catch up with the kids in her class agewise. But that's another story!

How many days a week will she be going? How many hours a day? We started our DD off with three half days and then moved her up to five half days. The hours are 8 to 11:30. Luckily she loved school and never even noticed that we had left the first day. Her teacher allowed the parents to bring their children in the classroom during the first week. After that, they were told to stay away. We drop the kids off at the curb and the teachers bring them into the classroom. I know that it's very hard. And it may take a few weeks, or longer for your DD to adjust. You just have to reassure her that you will be back to pick her up. I hope that she will learn to love school! Maybe your DD will handle it a lot better than you think? Just try to not let her sense that you are nervous or emotional. Good luck to you and your DD!

 

[robinb]

When is she starting pre-school? In the fall? If so, I think it's very smart of you to work on seperation anxiety (on her part and yours) before she starts school.

Is there someone else that can stay with your DD while you take some time away from her? A teen who could start as a mother's helper over the summer and then stretch into a baby sitter? Do you belong to a health club that has baby sitting? How about the local YMCA? You can usually start off in the nursury with your child and then transition away. Do you belong to a church/temple which provides a nursery? Do the same thing as the Health Club. You want to ease her into having you go away for a while and then come back to her.

 

[Snowysmom]

My younger DS had separation anxiety in Nursery School. The first day we dropped him off he cried but the teacher told us to go, that he would be fine. She called us about an hour later to tell us that he was playing and having fun. He did pretty well the rest of the year with some so-so days, but not as bad as the first. If you could leave your DD with a trusted sitter or a friend who has kids the same age once in a while during the summer, it might help.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You know what...if you trust this place they will do a wonderful transition for her.
I would not talk to her about it right now, it builds anxiety in kids.

What I would do is drop it for now, no "comments", and then 2 weeks before she starts, go "preschool shopping" to get her "big girl" stuff and say positive things leading up to the day.

She will be fine!!!!

 

[Rachie0507]

I've been there and I know it isn't easy .

We started DS in preschool right after he turned 3. We knew it would be hard so we signed him up for summer activities to ease him into being away from me. I ended up in the pool for every swimming lesson and I had to pay my niece to stay with him at Vacation Bible School (and I still left him screaming everytime). He is my youngest though so I was more willing to let him be upset. When school started, he had a hard time at first. I had a meeting with the teachers so we could decide on a 'plan of attack' and we followed through. Basically it meant giving him a hug and kiss and running before he caught on that I was leaving. It worked great. He still gets upset and doesn't want me to leave if I linger at drop-off. But the kiss and run plan really worked for us.

All kids are different and it is certainly tough for you, not having anyone close by to rely on. Good luck with whatever you choose

 

[JVL1018]

My daughter started in a little fun class(not preschool) at 3, just an hour once a week. She did cry the first couple of times, which broke my heart(and she had been left with babysitters) but I hung around(out of sight) and she really was fine in less than 5 minutes.

My son walked away without a second glance..because he had seen his sister dropped off at the same preschool for 2 years before he started..but there are always kids who have a really hard time seperating.

This year the teachers had a problem with one Mom who kept insisting her daughter needed her to walk her into class and get her settled and hang out for a few minutes.
The teachers FINALLY convinced her that the little girl would be better off with her just dropping her off and leaving, and she has been fine since then.

I think parents sometimes give off that worried vibe and the child picks up on it, so like you said just keep it all positive and even if she is not fine right away, the teachers know what to do, they deal with this in every class, year in and year out.

 

[golfgal]

I would hire a babysitter to come watch her. Have the sitter start coming for an hour or so when you are home, you can do somethings around the house and the sitter can play with your dd. Then after a couple times doing this, go shopping for an hour and come home. Don't make a big deal about it, tell your dd you are going shopping and she will stay with the sitter and you will be home in an hour. Then the next time make it two hours you are gone. Do this once/week or so over the summer. By the time school starts she should be ok.

I have a friend that like you never left her children with anyone. When her oldest started kindergarten, they held him back a year so he was 6 when he started, she had to stay in the classroom with him for about 2 months and then outside his classroom door for another 2 months before she was comfortable leaving him. He would have been MUCH better off if she just dropped him off at school, said his good-byes and left. The teachers expect kids to cry on the first day, actually the 3rd day is worse then the first day. I know at our kids' school the principal pretty much stands in the kindergarten hallway the first week of kindergarten watching for escapees . After a week or so, they are all fine and loving school.

 

[twinz]

I worked in a daycare for 9 years, and trust me they do stop crying. I know it is alot harder on the parents. My advise...just drop her off and say good-bye give her a hug and leave. Do not linger around (I know it'll be hard). the longer you stay the harder it will be for her to adjust. Is there a window that you can stop and blow her a kiss through? Let her know that you will be back. If it helps send a picture of the family to school with her, so she can look at it when she is missing you.
Eventually the crying will stop sooner and sooner, and then she will be running to school.
Lots of luck.

 

[momrek06]

To the OP: I don't understand...has she already started pre-school OR is this for the FALL?

If this is for the FALL and she has not started yet are YOU absolutely SURE she will CRY???

I took my DS to pre-school at the age of 3.5! I was the ONE that was CRYING! I enrolled him and we talked about it all summer long. We picked out his backpack in late August. Now it is the FIRST day and I go to take him in to school and GUESS WHAT...he was THRILLED. He loved being with all the other kids (at the time he was our only child). I walked back to my car and I was HYSTERICAL and yet I am saying to myself, look at me acting THIS way. I wanted DS to love this and I am should be happy he is NOT the one crying. They had an area where I could watch him if I wanted! Most schools will let you peek.

You will be pleasantly surprised. Your DD will love everything about school. All the kids, the teacher, the classroom etc etc....BUILD it up over the summer and you will be FINE. Just bring kleenex for YOU!!!

 

[lbgraves]

DD use to cry every morning when I dropped her off the the 2 & 3 yr PS classes. I had to do the hug & turn & leave each time. I waited out in the hallway & another mom would tell me when she had stopped crying & was playing or coloring. I was so thankful when she stopped this in the 4 yr class. Now in Kindergarten she has started back up with the crying when I drop her off in front. The teachers are all great getting her to class & distracting her. Coming back from spring break really messed her up.

 

[ImarriedGrumpy]

I'm another preschool teacher, and I'll add my assurances that the crying at drop off time doesn't usually last long. And even if it does take her a little time to settle in, I'm sure the teachers will be well equipped to handle that and will have plenty of strategies to help her adjust. That's what we're here for, after all!

I'll also affirm that the best practice is for you to just drop her off with a brief good-bye and go. Let the teachers decide if they need you to stick around longer. Believe me, if there's a problem with your DD crying and not settling in, they'll let you know. I know that parents get the rough part - they have to see the tears and drama of the start of the day without seeing the fun, interest, and laughter that comes later - but I can assure you that 99.9% of the time the kids are fine 5 minutes after their parents leave.

I think your plan for starting to get your DD used to being away from you is a good one. robinb has some great suggestions for how you could do that. If any of those would work, try it out! And as was said before, stay calm and casual yourself, and your DD will pick up on your mood and be relaxed about it, too.

Good luck and best wishes!

 

[paigevz]

I taught Pre-K for 9 years. Nothing prepares your dd for school (as in every other new experience in life) but school. You can help her by reassuring her and reading reassuring stories. Nearly every familiar character has a book out about starting school...............little critter, Franklin the Turtle, Little Bill, Blue's Clues.................pick a few out at the library and read them with her. Just keep talking it up.

Then, when you take her, remind her of the stories, exclaim over the room, tell her in your brightest voice you'll see her afterwards and hear all about her day and LEAVE. Don't get one more hug, one more kiss, or hang around looking in the window, or stand in the hall and try to peek in.........just go. She probably will cry, she might scream, she might even try to run after you...........just keep walking. You can throw reassurances over your shoulder, but go. You can cry in the car.

Staying with your parents or Dh's will not help. In fact, if she isn't used to it, I wouldn't even try it while she's trying to get used to the thought of school. She may be more anxious than usual, or she may have a bad experience (believe it or not, the lack of limits by the one grandmother could be a bad experience for her, children are reassured by limits and absolutes).

 

[Aidensmom]

My DH worked nights for the first 3 years of my son's life, so he was able to stay home with him during the day while I was at work. However, as an only child, we thought he needed time to be around other kids, and put him in daycare 2 days a week when he was 2....

He had he same anxiety. What I did was always tell him how much we loved him and would miss him on our drive over to daycare, and always let him know who would be picking him up (DH or I) and reassure him we would be there. For a long time he would cry when I dropped him off, but his teachers always said that about 30 seconds after I was out the door, that he was OK.

We went through the same routine a year later when we put him in daycare full time (he was too active in the day for DH to get rest...and then later DH switched to day shift). I still have to tell him every morning who is picking him up and what time we will be there.

 

[va32h]

Sometimes a pep talk can make the child more nervous. With my kids for example, the more I tried to prepare them for something, the more anxious they became. Like, why is mom making such a big deal about how much fun I'm going to have and that I won't even miss her? That must mean I will miss her a lot and have no fun at all!

I had to take a matter-of-fact approach: "Next week you start kindergarten and I will drop you off here at 8 am and pick you up here at 3." When they would ask questions like "what if I don't like it," I would just be low-key and breezy, "well, you probably will like it, but if you don't we'll talk about it". Things like that.

My son actually does best if I tell him things the actually day they occur. Seriously - if he has to go to the dentist, I tell him while we are in the car, on the way there! But that's extreme, I know!

I will say too, that sometimes 4 year olds are just not ready to be away from mom all day, and that's okay. I enrolled my oldest dd in preschool when she was 4. I really thought she'd love having all the playmates, and something special and "big-girl" for her, instead of hanging out with me and her baby brother all day. The school we chose was very nice, wonderful teachers, enriching program, etc.

But she hated it! Every day she would cry. She'd go into the classroom, her little chin quivering, and stick it out all day. But she was so unhappy. After two months, I just couldn't bear to see her so miserable, so we took her out of the school. I enrolled her in some parks & rec classes, so she would still have activities and make friends, and we played "school" at home, so she learned her letters and numbers, etc.

The next year, I was worried about her starting kindergarten, but she waltzed into that classroom without even glancing back at me, and went on to have a great kindergarten experience. She just needed that one extra year at home.

 

[Microcell]

My DS just turned four and he went to "pre pre school" this past year at the age of three and cried and I stood outside the door listening for him to stop. It took 15 minutes the first day and 10 the next. Now he does not even have time to say goodbye.

He has a horrible time with transition and in the middle of his day today I went to have a Mothers Day Tea and I figured leaving him in an odd way after having cookies and punch would be difficult for him. It was not. I guess my boy is growing up.

Before this year he was hardly apart from me or his dad. He has a favorite aunt that babysat him from time to time but that was it.

It is horrible for you to think about now, but your baby will be fine!

Also, my preschool has the preschool upstairs and a daycare downstairs, so I had my DD (my first) go to the daycare part (the preschool was not in session) for three hours one day a week during the summer, and was pleased to find out that she was more than ready to go. She had hardly ever been away from me or her dad too!

Do not leave her in the care of your father if you have any concerns at all.

Oh, one more thing. I find with my kids they like it when I tell them after what event I will be picking them up like "I will see you after lunch".

 

[FreshTressa]

I don't think leaving her with grandparents will prepare her and it sounds like bad things could happen.

I would rather take her to little drop in centers like they have at the gym for a half an hour or so.

Also, do you have co-op preschools where you live? Where you get to work a day or so a week and help out?

 

[shortbun]

We took our child to a preschool that welcomed parents in the room. I would have it no other way. The first week, I went with my son and we made friends together. The 2nd week, I stayed for about a 1/2 hour and then my son got to see his friends alone with the teachers who were also our "friends." The third week, I told my son he could tell me when he was ready for me to leave. He told me to leave before I got him in the door. lol! I did quick explanations on all of this, no dwelling on the separation. It all worked beautifully and I would not have used a school that did not understand my plan. I might arrange some play dates at other children's houses before preschool starts as my son had already had me leave him for very short periods of time with playmates at their homes. To walk into a room and leave your child with a group of total strangers and have those strangers think it's ok without some transition is weird imho. Good luck.
mimi

 

[aprilgail2]

My daughter creid the first 2 weeks of 2 year old perschool, they asked me to take her out as she was disturbing the class and not adjusting well to it....so I took her out and tried again the next year..the next year she cried the first 1st week but only for a short time and only when I dropped her off...so I started having my mother drop her off and she was just fine with that...the days I was off work and tried to drop her off, even mid year she would still have a crying fit... so for four year old preschool I didn't even attempt to drop her off, her grandmother dropped her off and she didn't cry once....the only time she had a problem was seperating from me when I dropped her off!!