Please stop screaming at your children in public!!!

[shortbun]

My son and I were at the library, Target, Giant Eagle and Buffalo Wild Wings yesterday. In each place, we heard mothers ripping their small children appart with sharp, piercing yelling. We had not noticed bad behaviour on the part of the children in any of the cases- no running, no yelling, no talking back - nada. In Buffalo WW, the mom(while talking on her phone the whole time) screams at her 3yo, 'will you please act like a human being, you look stupid!" In Target it was the 'I'm going to give you something to whine about!!!' - I thought that phrase went the way of the 50's!!! Do these parents not realize how bad they sound and that their children believe that they are stupid, dumb and bad when they are constantly told this by their parents!?!?!?!?

My son said, 'Mom, I wish we could just take all of them home with us.' Awwww, he was certainly being sensitive for an adolescent boy!

I just don't yell in public and I really try not to yell at all. When I do yell, it's about a safety issue or really important thing like 'you do not use those words around your grandmother!!! and you should know that by now!!!' If I need to get my son's attention in public, my voice lowers to so quiet he has to work at hearing me. This way I have his attention and no one elses. It works with almost any child. Get really close and very quietly deliver your instructions. They will hear you.

Seriously folks...stop screaming at your kids, they will be screaming back at you before you know it. My 14yo son has never yelled a thing at me. His friends parents-the yellers mostly- are reporting lots of backtalk and teen yelling. You reap what you sow. Oh yeah. and the rest of us don't want to listen to you!!!

 

[TheDisneyGirl02]

A few weeks ago at the Disney Store, there was a mother who was yelling at her daughter so loudly, I thought she was going to grab her and slap her across the face in public. Her voice sounded so angry, it was almost violent sounding. They left (she drug the little girl out of the store) and the little girl ran back in. Mom came back in screaming again - practically silenced the entire store.

I felt so badly for the little girl.

 

[Diva of Dragons]

We went to see the Dalai Lama speak about compassion, last week. I was waiting for DH, in the foyer, when a woman and her son (about 11 or 12 years old) walked by. She was yelling at him and berating him over what sounded like nothing. The irony was not lost on me. I had to bite my tongue REALLY hard not to say so.

I don't understand it. Do people not get that what they say to their kids about who they are (stupid, bad, dumb etc..), kids take as the "truth". How are they supposed to function later in life. Oh, that's right, my ex best friend was raised like that and she's a self-loathing basket case. So, yeah, they don't function. Infuriating!

 

[NMAmy]

I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I admit it, I've yelled at my kid in public before. I've never told her she was stupid, dumb, or bad but I have lost my temper. I'm not perfect even though I'm a pretty good mom the majority of the time.

And the thing about the kid who appears to have done nothing to an outsider--perhaps they have poked their sibling for the 370th time after being told not to or touched items on the shelves AGAIN after being told not to or perhaps the mother has just spent her entire day with the kids acting like hellions and it just took one little thing at the grocery store to push her over the edge and make her lose her temper.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I admit it, I've yelled at my kid in public before. I've never told her she was stupid, dumb, or bad but I have lost my temper. I'm not perfect even though I'm a pretty good mom the majority of the time.

And the thing about the kid who appears to have done nothing to an outsider--perhaps they have poked their sibling for the 370th time after being told not to or touched items on the shelves AGAIN after being told not to or perhaps the mother has just spent her entire day with the kids acting like hellions and it just took one little thing at the grocery store to push her over the edge and make her lose her temper.

I agree. While yes, it is easy to judge people when they are losing it, you have no idea what they are going through personally. I don't call my child names but I'm not the perfect parent either.

 

[happygirl]

I'm guilty of yelling at my child in public, probably more then once. I would never call my child names

 

[shortbun]

I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I admit it, I've yelled at my kid in public before. I've never told her she was stupid, dumb, or bad but I have lost my temper. I'm not perfect even though I'm a pretty good mom the majority of the time.

And the thing about the kid who appears to have done nothing to an outsider--perhaps they have poked their sibling for the 370th time after being told not to or touched items on the shelves AGAIN after being told not to or perhaps the mother has just spent her entire day with the kids acting like hellions and it just took one little thing at the grocery store to push her over the edge and make her lose her temper.

No one ever said parenting was going to be easy. The other thing my son said yesterday was, 'some of these mothers need a time out.' So true. Why do parents bite off so much. I get we all need groceries and we can not leave the kids at home alone but do we REALLY need to drag our 3 young children into Buffalo Wild Wings so we can sit on our cell the whole time and scream at the children intermittently enhancing everyone's dining pleasure? OR - do we need to wander all over Target with 3 small children shopping for women's clothes? ( the woman in question was dressed well and was not shopping for one thing, she was up and down the aisles just shopping casually and screaming at her children).
Leave the kids at home, put off the trip until someone else can watch them, hire a babysitter with some of the money you are going to spend at Target or Bufffalo Wild Wings -shopping or eating with Mom and being screamed at is NOT 'quality time.' Parenting is hard to do well, I get it and I work hard at it.

I know I've made my point. Some of you think it's ok to scream at your kids in public, infact you are embracing it. I just don't agree. I know it happens but it's not something to make excuses about - you should be trying to avoid it for the sake of your children. All the experts agree that it's not a great thing to scream at children.

 

[Magic Mom]

In Target it was the 'I'm going to give you something to whine about!!!' - I thought that phrase went the way of the 50's!!!

I've said (not screamed) this to my kids before.It isn't a threat to hit them, just let them know I won't put up with whining and there will be a consequence if they don't stop.
But I do agree with the screaming. I see way to many moms being downright nasty to their kids. I'm human, and I make mistakes, but I've never got to the point where I needed to call my kids names to make myself feel better.

 

[luvmy3]

No one ever said parenting was going to be easy. The other thing my son said yesterday was, 'some of these mothers need a time out.' So true. Why do parents bite off so much. I get we all need groceries and we can not leave the kids at home alone but do we REALLY need to drag our 3 young children into Buffalo Wild Wings so we can sit on our cell the whole time and scream at the children intermittently enhancing everyone's dining pleasure? OR - do we need to wander all over Target with 3 small children shopping for women's clothes? ( the woman in question was dressed well and was not shopping for one thing, she was up and down the aisles just shopping casually and screaming at her children).
Leave the kids at home, put off the trip until someone else can watch them, hire a babysitter with some of the money you are going to spend at Target or Bufffalo Wild Wings -shopping or eating with Mom and being screamed at is NOT 'quality time.' Parenting is hard to do well, I get it and I work hard at it.

I know I've made my point. Some of you think it's ok to scream at your kids in public, infact you are embracing it. I just don't agree. I know it happens but it's not something to make excuses about - you should be trying to avoid it for the sake of your children. All the experts agree that it's not a great thing to scream at children.

Because people do it doesn't mean they haven't tried to avoid doing it or aren't working hard at parenting . As an outsider you have no idea what lead up to that point, so you really can't be certain that nothing was done to avoid a causing a scene by screaming at your kid. Also, nobody is embracing it, but we can just admit that we aren't perfect and sometimes life doesn't work out perfect and these things happen. (I'm talking about yelling at, not belittling your child).

 

[NMAmy]

I know I've made my point. Some of you think it's ok to scream at your kids in public, infact you are embracing it. I just don't agree. I know it happens but it's not something to make excuses about - you should be trying to avoid it for the sake of your children. All the experts agree that it's not a great thing to scream at children.

I never said it was okay nor am I "embracing" it. It's not something I'm proud of but I'm not ashamed to admit that I've done it. I agree with all the experts that it's not a great thing to do--as a parent, there are a lot of things I didn't plan on doing but found myself doing under the stress of the moment.

DD is 19 and I just asked her if she remembered me yelling at her in public when she was a kid. She told me, "No, I remember you talking in that low mean voice, though! If you did yell at me, I probably deserved it." So, apparently, she wasn't scarred by the whole experience. It wasn't a regular experience but I do remember doing it.

 

[Robinrs]

I've yelled, sometimes whatever they did was the straw that broke the camel's back.

My son is 17, he knows BETTER than to ever back talk or yell at me, it's not necessarily a taught habit, it's a discipline tool. I think those brats that yell at their parents in public were not disciplined ENOUGH.

 

[cuethemusic]

I was at the grocery store yesterday and saw a dad and young son doing their shopping. Out of nowhere I started hearing the Dad go into a complete rage yelling at his son "SPEAK UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU! GOD HOW DO YOU THINK I CAN HEAR YOU WHEN YOU'RE BARELY SPEAKING?". I didn't think anything of it as maybe the boy has had problems with it or the Dad has a hearing problem, but about 10 minutes later down the frozen foods isle the boy opened a refrigerator to look at something and once again the dad had a fit "CLOSE THE DOOR! JESUS WHAT ARE YOU DOING? STOP LOOKING AT THINGS! IM NOT BUYING YOU SH--"

I think in many instances there are better ways to handle the situation than screeching at your child.

 

[quentina]

I don't doubt that I have made plenty of poor choices that I looked back on and regreted.

Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, it just happens!

I think the acceptance of the mistake and the actions taken after the moment speak volumes to the kids.

It is unrealistic (to me) to think that a voice will never get raised by parents. I have this hanging in my kitchen:

In this home...
We do second chances
We do Grace
We do Real
We do Mistakes
We do I'm Sorrys
We do Loud really well
We do Hugs
We do Family
We do Love.

To me, that says it all!

 

[luvflorida]

OP-Thank you, thank you, thank you for your post!!! I HATE to see and hear parents loudly berating, yelling at, and/or humiliating children in public. Not that it should be done in private either, but you know what I mean.

Yes, I know none of us are perfect parents, and all of us get angry for whatever reasons, but there are ABSOLUTELY better ways than others to discipline/teach our children. Yelling at kids and doing and saying things that are hurtful is NEVER acceptable. Again, nobody is perfect and parents make mistakes, but I've seen the type of behavior by adults that the OP is describing, and I find it truly disturbing.

Around Christmastime last year I was shopping in Target and saw a parent screaming (yes, screaming) at a toddler that was fussing. The child didn't want to sit in the cart, and the parent was calling the little girl a brat and saying she deserved a good whipping, etc. etc. I had witnessed several other incidents (none as harsh as the one in Target) throughout my day of shopping. I actually walked out of Target because I felt like crying, and I went home. I know that's probably an extreme reaction on my part, and maybe I was just having an emotional day, but it really bothered me.

If I need to get my son's attention in public, my voice lowers to so quiet he has to work at hearing me. This way I have his attention and no one elses. It works with almost any child. Get really close and very quietly deliver your instructions. They will hear you.

I am a fan of the above-mentioned approach, but I remember one time when it backfired on me. I think I've told this story before on Disboards (I've probably told many of the same stories before- I'm old) so sorry if I'm repeating myself.

When my oldest daughter was around three years old, we were in an airport waiting for my husband's flight to arrive. I guess I had gotten there a bit early or something, but I know we had been waiting awhile, and my three year old was getting antsy. She decided she didn't want to hold my hand while we walked around and she wanted to run instead of walk. There were quite a few people in the area and I was having a hard time keeping her with me. So, after a few minutes of her not wanting to listen to me, I bent down to her level to deliver my speech.

I very quietly, but firmly, told her if she didn't stop running around, then she would have to go and sit in the car. As I stood up, my daughter, in a loud, sing-songy voice informed me that, "I WANT to go sit in the car!" There were a few snickers and giggles from people that heard her, and I had to laugh myself, even though I was a bit embarrassed. I figured I had solved the problem without anyone else hearing my ultimatum, but it didn't work!

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I said things like this, too - and then I had children.

I understand - yell at your kids if you must - just try to keep the death threats to a minimum.

 

[Pluto 2]

i agree all yelling at your kids should be done at home

 

[shortbun]

...

It is unrealistic (to me) to think that a voice will never get raised by parents. I have this hanging in my kitchen:

In this home...
We do second chances
We do Grace
We do Real
We do Mistakes
We do I'm Sorrys
We do Loud really well
We do Hugs
We do Family
We do Love.

To me, that says it all!

I love this!!! But it doesn't say, "we shame, we belittle, we scream, we threaten" and I don't think it means those things at all. I'm a school bus driver and I HAVE to do 'loud.' I never do what one of my bus kids calls, "Mommy mean voice." She was telling me about her foster 'mom' using "Mommy mean voice" just the other day. she said it scared her. She's 6.

I've always made it a practice(learned it from one of the best Moms I know) to say please and thank you before every command/request/demand when dealing with children. I also sometimes end or begin a direct order with 'darlin'
because it softens and shows caring even when the message is undesirable. I work with huge busloads of children ALL sitting behind me. I'm not perfect but I get lots of practice every day. The only time I actually yell is 1. If the bus is sooooo loud I HAVE to yell and 2. If safety is my immediate concern

If I get to the point where I want to yell, I stop talking for a while. Often silence speaks volumes. It also gives me a chance to gather my composure. As a bus driver for sometimes 60 children under 12, this ability is a must. If the bus is getting out of control(Fridays, after candy filled parties, days when children have been testing for a week with no excersize...) I pull over, turn off the bus-all fans and noise makers and just sit quietly until the roar stops. Children really respond to peace and quiet. I also have gently put my hand on a wild child's shoulder and said, "I want you to close your mouth and breath in through your nose." Often they do it and in a few breaths they are calm and start relaxing. Grownups should try this technique when they find themselves ready to yell.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Hey, I can be one who raises my voice!!!
I am not sitting on some high throne saying that everything should always be sweet and lightness with children.

But, really, the adult behavior that is being described, in public, goes well beyond what should be considered acceptable.

 

[hentob]

I know I've made my point. Some of you think it's ok to scream at your kids in public, infact you are embracing it..

I don't think it is even ok to SCREAM at a child in private


Why would you scream at a person? Maybe if they are going to get hit by a car or run into a pit full of snake, but why not just talk to your child about what he or she is doing wrong?

Why not just speak to them about what consequences they are now going to face because of what they did?

Unless your child is absolutely out of control that you NEED to scream to get their attention(which at that point, too late), just speak to your child.

Screaming shows that you are out of control.

 

[ReneeA]

Woudn't it be a fabulous world if everyone was the perfect parent?