Please Help! Need Opinions on "firing" bridesmaid.

[PrincessJewel]

Thanks everyone.

 

[caryndisneydiva]

first of all, it's your wedding and you can do whatever you want...as i read through this, i thought that maybe she felt left out, but i think it sounds like she just doesn't want to be involved, maybe? maybe you should just point blank ask her? and if you want your other friend to be involved, ask her. its your wedding, who cares what others think?

 

[BaBeeCee14]

I agree with Caryn. If you don't feel comfortable having her up there with you, you should ask her to step down. It definitely seems like she has no interest being part of the wedding. You are the one who is going to have to look back at your pictures and say to yourself "I wish I hadn't asked her to be a bridesmaid". This is going to be a day that you will remember forever. You should have it the way you feel is right for you. Good luck!

 

[Philadisney]

Oh no, I don't envy your situation. That's tough. I agree with the other posters though - really doesn't sound like she's interested. I read a similar article in Miss Manners a while ago and I think her advice was to say something along the lines of "I know that being a bridesmaid is a big commitment and I'm sorry you aren't able to attend most of the events leading up to my wedding. I'd like to give you a break and let you enjoy the ceremony & reception as a guest." You would probably need to refund any money she put towards your shower, I would think. Good luck.

 

[MomPoppins]

Let me offer a different perspective...

Several years ago, an old high school friend of mine got engaged...I hadn't seen her really since high school, we hadn't kept it touch through college, or anything, but I heard that she moved to the same city I was in, so I contacted her and we went out for dinner and a movie.

Turned out, she'd just gotten engaged. All night, I listened to her wedding plans and such -- it was fun, I was considering being a wedding planner at the time, so I offered some advice. At the end of the evening, she said, "Hey, I need one more bridesmaid, why don't you be one!" (And yes, that's a quote.)

I felt like I was in a real spot, so I said yes. But suddenly, I found myself in a situation where this friend that I hadn't spoken to in YEARS suddenly expected me to be her best friend. I gave up time with my DH to go dress shopping with her, I went and helped with her registry, I planned a shower, I spent two hundred dollars on a dress (during a time when we really couldn't afford it). And the bride kept insinuating that I wasn't doing enough! EGADS -- I kept thinking about how I was really sorry I ever sent the e-mail offering to get together!!

I went through with being a bridesmaid and I occasionally see this friend, maybe once a year, if that. I send her a Christmas card. That's about it.

You asked this girl to be your bridesmaid. If you do a little research, you'll discover that while brides THINK their bridesmaids are supposed to be at their beck and call, the truth is, their only TRUE requirement (according to etiquette) is to show up for the wedding (and if possible, the rehearsal.) It is very nice if they are able to do other things, but it's not required. Given the status of your friendship PRIOR to your becoming a bride, I would say she is putting in an appropriate amount of effort. She was trying to be kind by saying yes to your request...it isn't her fault that your parents talked you into asking her.

Be more than a bride -- be a friend. See things from her side. Maybe there's things going on there that you don't realize -- maybe there's financial difficulties. Maybe she knows she'll go to your wedding and not know a single person (been there, done that, not fun!). If she's in grad school, that's a lot of pressure that she might be dealing with.

But don't fire her. Do that and, IMHO, you've crossed the line to Bridezilla-ville.

(By the way, I did become a wedding planner and was even offered a job at WDW.)

 

[MomPoppins]

Here's what Martha Stewart has to say about bridesmaids' responsibilities:

Duties
As for the attendants' responsibilities, each bride's desires are different. You may simply want your bridesmaids to be with you at the altar, or you might have them assist with every step of the planning.

In the months that lead up to the ceremony, the maid of honor typically accompanies the bride when she shops for her wedding gown and the bridesmaids' dresses, and she may take the lead in organizing the bridal shower. On the wedding day, she will supervise the members of the wedding party and help the bride change into her dress.

Bridesmaids may help co-host a shower if the maid of honor is unable to do so. On the wedding day, bridesmaids often gather guests for the couple's first dance, greet people in the receiving line, and look after elderly relatives and friends.

Be clear about which duties you expect your bridesmaids to perform when asking them to get involved. This helps avoid any snags in your wedding plans, as well as the awkwardness that could result from a bad experience.

I think it is possible you are confusing the Maid of Honor's responsibilities with those of your bridesmaids.

 

[robinb]

I think that you are expecting a lot from someone who (a) lives a long way away from you and (b) wasn't that close of a friend to begin with. It seems like you are mad at her for getting sick, having other responsibilities (a class for instance) and interests (the basketball game) that do not include going to parties thrown in your honor. It's hard to remember that everything is really not about you when you're wrapped up in the whole wedding frenzy.

If she really doesn't want to be your bridesmaid, then you should cut her loose. If you're just mad at her because she isn't sucking up to you sufficiently then you should treat her like the not-so-close friend that she is and try not to dwell on it anymore. Don't worry! She won't ruin your wedding or your pictures or your parties.

 

[disneygal2007]

I was a wedding planner for over 5 years and it is YOUR DAY. If she is making you feel sour already how are you gonna feel when u think back to this. People in the wedding party are people that you are supposed to have in your life for years to come and to be there at all the steps of your marriage Kids Etc... Ask yourself do you see being friends with here in the coming years and if you answered no to that question well wet her go. And to tell you the truth I wouldn't invite her either I have seen that go really bad. Good luck and I hope you have a wonderful and blissful day.

 

[mla1977]

I agree with Disneygal. I've only been in two weddings. One was my college BFF and I am a godmother for her son now. She will eventually be my matron of honor. Another was a friend of my from law school and I wasn't a bridesmaid, but handed out the programs. We live around the corner from each other now.

 

[madfelice]

Have a heart to heart with her and see whether her heart is really in it. Maybe she doesn't really want to do this for you. Tell her yiour feelings and the vibes you get from her actions. Just do it nicely!

 

[allie_to_you]

I think maybe you should talk to her and explain some of how you are feeling and see how she is feeling throughout this whole thing. I know from my own wedding that having bridesmaids that are good friends and people you feel you can relate to is important and it would suck to look back at your wedding years down the road and wish you'd had someone else for your bridesmaids. I still regret having 2 of mine and wish I'd gone with other closer friends.

Either way, you have to do what you feel is right, but you should try to do it as nicely as possible.

 

[PrincessBride010103]

i would but im just not that smart lol!!!!

 

[PrincessJewel]

Well thank you everyone for your advice. I thought long and hard the past 2 days of what to say properly and to make sure I wasn't making a decision too quickly. When I started telling her I was disapointed with some things that had been happening she didn't seem too surprised and didn't really argue back. I didn't really need to say too much, before I could even bring up the topic of her still being my bridesmaid or not, she kinda of said it for me. She said she didn't have to be a bridesmaid and that it was my day and I should have people that I want up there. I know she had tried but maybe it just was too much with grad school and stuff. Who knows maybe it was even a relief for her. She is not coming to the shower on saturday (i'm sure I wouldn't want to go either if I were her). Who knows if she will come to the wedding. She said she understands, I'm sure she is hurt, but I was hurt too, maybe one day things will be ok again. But now I get to officially ask the friend I would really like to and the other girls are excited to fill her in. Good luck to anyone else who has to deal with something like this. I think it is hard on both parties but sometimes the hardest decsions are the best ones.

 

[robinb]

You actually told her that you wanted someone else to stand up with you?!? If so, that was really mean.

Enjoy your "perfect wedding" ... real life will come soon enough to bite you in the butt Mrs. Kostic.

 

[PrincessJewel]

What the heck is YOUR problem?

No i did not tell her I wanted someone else. I was telling her that I was hurt and before I could even say anythign she said that she didn't need to be a bridesmaid and that I should choose someone else because she wants me to have the best day and she hasn't been able to do everything.

And I don't understand why you have to be so mean to me when you don't even know who I am or who she is. So why don't you go over to a thread that doesn't upset you so much and that has something to do with you and stop worrying about my problems.

 

[robinb]

I'm not upset. I just think it's totally unfair and selfish what you did to your bridesmaid. What was she supposed to do when you talked about how "hurt" you were that she didn't do everything you wanted her to do? She took the high road and told you to go ahead and do what you wanted to do: she stepped down and told you to pick someone else and have the "best day" possible.

She was the mature one.

PS: If you don't want opinions, then don't ask for them.

 

[mla1977]

Robin,

She was asking for advice, not for someone to jump down her throat. Your response was a personal attack on her.

I don't know that I would even say that the bridesmaid took the high road. She may have wanted out and saw the door opening and took off running. I just hope that her and PrincessJewel can be friends after all is said and done.

 

[robinb]

Robin,

She was asking for advice, not for someone to jump down her throat. Your response was a personal attack on her.

Umm ... no it wasn't, but you are certainly entitled to your opinion. I told the truth as I see it. Not some sugar-coated stuff to make her feel better. I am and have always been a "straight shooter" here on the DIS. I believe that she treated her bridesmaid unfairly. She had very high expectations for a mere bridesmaid and dumped her when she couldn't meet them.

I still don't understand what the woman did that was so terrible. Maybe part of it is that I just don't understand the need to control every little aspect of your wedding or it won't be perfect. Life is not perfect. Weddings rarely are. Something always goes wrong. If you're not ready to roll with the punches and go with the flow you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

I do sincerely hope the OP has a nice wedding. Just remember ... the wedding is just the beginning ... not the end. Your whole married life is ahead of you and there will be many other happy moments which will make your perfect princess wedding fade into mere memory.

 

[BaBeeCee14]

Well thank you everyone for your advice. I thought long and hard the past 2 days of what to say properly and to make sure I wasn't making a decision too quickly. When I started telling her I was disapointed with some things that had been happening she didn't seem too surprised and didn't really argue back. I didn't really need to say too much, before I could even bring up the topic of her still being my bridesmaid or not, she kinda of said it for me. She said she didn't have to be a bridesmaid and that it was my day and I should have people that I want up there. I know she had tried but maybe it just was too much with grad school and stuff. Who knows maybe it was even a relief for her. She is not coming to the shower on saturday (i'm sure I wouldn't want to go either if I were her). Who knows if she will come to the wedding. She said she understands, I'm sure she is hurt, but I was hurt too, maybe one day things will be ok again. But now I get to officially ask the friend I would really like to and the other girls are excited to fill her in. Good luck to anyone else who has to deal with something like this. I think it is hard on both parties but sometimes the hardest decsions are the best ones.

I'm glad everything worked out for you

 

[PrincessBride010103]

Umm ... no it wasn't, but you are certainly entitled to your opinion. I told the truth as I see it. Not some sugar-coated stuff to make her feel better. I am and have always been a "straight shooter" here on the DIS. I believe that she treated her bridesmaid unfairly. She had very high expectations for a mere bridesmaid and dumped her when she couldn't meet them.

I still don't understand what the woman did that was so terrible. Maybe part of it is that I just don't understand the need to control every little aspect of your wedding or it won't be perfect. Life is not perfect. Weddings rarely are. Something always goes wrong. If you're not ready to roll with the punches and go with the flow you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

I do sincerely hope the OP has a nice wedding. Just remember ... the wedding is just the beginning ... not the end. Your whole married life is ahead of you and there will be many other happy moments which will make your perfect princess wedding fade into mere memory.

It's her wedding. Are you a scorned "fired" bridesmaid of the past? I dunno it just seems that way since you took so much offence to the situation that you felt the need to use sarcasm and personal attacks to make the OP feel bad.