WOW!!! Thank you all for your, prayers/well wishes, insight, encouragement and suggestions. This is a difficult thing for me to share our feelings on this - via written communication. I am greatful for those posting and sharing personal experiences, as well as, short/long term challenges to consider.
Can/will grandma or the parents provide child support? Can you make this a foster situation and collect money from the state?
How do your children and wife feel about it?
What would sleeping arrangements be?
Who would be providing health care?dental care? clothing?
What would happen to her if you didn't make this sacrifice?
How will you handle it when she turns 18...ask her to move out or help her out like your own children?
These are some of the questions I'd be asking before making this decision.
- We have strong doubts the parents will offer financial assistance. Appears grand mom is on a fixed income so little if any support there. State assistance might be the only avenue...will look into this.
- We have two daughters in one bedroom (10 & 13 y/o) - would have two 16 y/o's in the other. It would be a tight fit - doable.
- My wife and I are open to this. We just don't have enough information - yet. Want to speak with the grand mom - father/mother (if they will) and her. After we gather more information and spend time in prayer - we will have a family meeting...getting input from our two younger daughters. I doubt they will have issues - they are very fond of this girl.
- Good question on health/dental coverage...will need to look through this.
They did draw up a contract so that she could get him medical care and not be held liable for the bills.
Ask yourself how you will feel a week or two after the decision is made.
Do you think you would feel okay if you said no (not good because its a lousy situation for this poor girl), would you feel okay if you said yes.
He calls her his other mom and will tell you she saved his life.
- The option of making the biological parents responsible for health/dental care might be a 'shot in the dark' - neither of them are currently employed - or from what I've heard, employable. She might need to be added to my insurance or be covered via state assistance (excuse me if I'm ignorant on this - my bride is making some phone calls today).
- Have been trying to imagine how the dynamics of our household would be - in the future...if we take her in - or - if she goes elsewhere (the elsewhere is very foggy). This is difficult. Guess...in my dreams - hopes and wishes...everything turns up PERFECT. Where in reality...this is not always the case.
- what I moved as your last line...teared me up a little (cough...football). My bride and I were extremely blessed to have great role models as parents. However, our generation were always outside - at friends - school events etc. Friends parents looked out for us...our parents looked out for our friends. It was not uncommon for x child to call y parent - mama 'B'. I called them...my 'rent a moms'. And with my 'rent a moms' - I truly feel like I am a better person - more rounded and grounded.
I will pray for your guidance.
I hope her relatives figure out that their kid should be their number one priority and not a secondary option.
... but as I said- I will pray for you guys.
- thank you...your prayers are certainly welcome
- I wish her relatives could provide for themselves...first. Then, we can discuss if they could guide one much younger.
For me, it wouldn't necessarily be the girl herself that would be the problem. It's *her parents* that you will have to deal with along the way and that could cause undue stress on your family.
Hope you come to a decision that will be "right" for all concerned.
- what words of insight. Thank you!!
In April, 2009 I took in twin 18 year old girls (my daughter's friends). At the time they were finishing their junior year in high school. Their so-called parents moved to NC (we live in NH). This move was not necessitated by a job transfer or anything, parents just "wanted a change." Since they were 18 parents left them behind.
I kept both girls until July 2010, when one of them moved to NC and is living with the parents and going to school down there (its much less expensive there than where I live). I still have one living with me - she's also going to school.
I have received no financial support from anyone. While the twins were living here they both received food stamps, but that was it.
Luckily we have a big enough house that they have their own room. They also have their own car. Both girls worked and paid their own expenses (cell phones, gas, etc.).
While it hasn't been all sunshine and roses all the time, I don't regret giving them a helping hand.
If you're housing situation doesn't allow this child to have her own room and would involve sharing with one of your children, I would hesitate. I think the biggest reason we were able to make it work was because all the children have their own space.
- glad to hear that you opened your home - your heart and offered support to what legally is an adult that could have ended up --- tragically. Thank you for sharing that it can be done.
- no...our house would require sharing of bedrooms. I hear your valuable insight.
I also wanted to add that if you decide to take this girl in, given that she's underage, you should get some type of temporary guardianship papers. With those you should be able to receive some services from your community. I didn't have to deal with it as the twins were 18, but we were able to get them on free school lunch and breakfast, free bus tickets, the fees for any field trips, SATs, college applications, etc. were waived. We were also able to get them on foodstamps. Had they been underage we would have been eligible for help through our city's human services department.
If you take her in, plan on long term rather than short term. I know they say 2 weeks right now, but it doesn't sound like her situation is going to improve in 2 weeks. I knew going into our situation that it would be long term and that the parents were not going to offer any financial assistance (despite promises).
- my bride is looking into this. Thank you again for passing your experience and suggestions for financial support.
- I agree with you. My gut tells me - this will require long term love and support.
I have been there, done that. My older DS' best friend moved in with us during the last two years of high school;he moved out not long ago then had to move back in when he lost his job;he is currently enrolled in college (he is 20).
My take on this:you are right to be concerned over whether this will be for more than 2 weeks. In the situation you are describing, I just about bet my bottom dollar it will be..if you allow it.Now here are the questions to ask yourself:
1. Do we want to do this..for two weeks or for a much longer time frame/
2. How will this affect our family dynamics?remember...even though you care about this chid, the ones you already have need to come first.
3. Can we afford this? if she stays longer, you may be able to get some assistance for her but if the parents are not stable..well, it may not happen. They may be unwilling to sign anything but are more than willing to let you take over the burden of the child.
I must say looking back, I have absolutely no regrets;I love DS' friend as if he were my own;we have treated him no differently than we have our own two , ever and that comes to Christmas, birthdays, household chores and discipline. He is a part of our family.I am glad that we have been such a stable influence in someones life when they needed it;it hasn't always been easy, my DH was laid off for 2 years and it was rough at times but we made it. Good luck with whatever you decide. Your heart will help you make the right choice.
- another report of success. Appreciate that you opened your home and your heart to another.
- 1. we feel led to offer support - so, yes.
- 2. this is a difficult question to answer. This has no other option but to change our family dynamics. My heart and head tell me it will be a challenge but can be an even bigger blessing.
- 3. financially it would be a stretch. But what change isn't - we adapt and have displayed the ability to sacrifice and make it work. Some assistance from either state or her family would help...but...we are reviewing our budget to see how we can adapt.
Appreciate you sharing your success and challenges.
Don't agree to do this for two weeks unless you are willing and able to do it for two or more years.
I agree, I would take her for the two weeks unless you're prepared to have her permanently.
That said, though...
Two years in a child's life is huge. Two years from 16-18 can make all the difference in whether she falters or becomes an amazing young woman.
Two years for YOU is relatively small potatoes.
I would encourage you and your wife to think about this:
If she is shuffled from foster home to foster home, if she is mistreated/abused, if she misses or gets behind in school, drops out or fails out, if she turns to drugs or alcohol to handle depression because she feels unloved...how might YOU feel in two years knowing that? How might your dd (her friend) view you?
Will that information be harder than the time, love and commitment you'd have to put in for two years?
- agreed...if we open our doors...chances are - we would invite someone into our family. This would be a life commitment and WILL change our family. My hear tells me for - the better.
- WOW!! You've put into words my fears the path this girl could walk without support and love. Some great words...sobering...humbling - scary.
I would take her in without hesitation.
If the girl is speaking out there is one thing you can be sure of and that is the fact that whatever it is she has told you is probably only the tip of the iceberg. Kids from messed up homes don't like to talk about it, they prefer to pretend things are fine. IF a kid is speaking openly about imperfections then things are very, very bad and the child desperately wants help.
- Again, WOW!! I need to stop wearing 'rose colored glasses' - this has been a real reality check. Some more - great insight. We've discussed that should we do this, we will want some counseling assistance. For her...and for us - then, all of US.
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