Please help me to help my DS understand

[Banshee]

This past Thursday evening two angels were brutally removed from our world.I as an adult can not figure out why this has happened. These children lived two streets away from us one was 7 the other was 14 and there lives were taken by someone they most likely trusted. My DS who is in 3rd grade cant understand how children can be killed (has his life been too sheltered?)I tell him there are bad people but he still asks. My friend told her children that they are in heaven and that it was their time. I agree they are in heaven for two little ones that did no wrong or nothing bad of course they are in heaven,but that it was their time? I have a hard time with that. She told my DS the same thing now he has had nightmares about his time and will it happen that way. I told him that I dont feel it was their time because if it was I dont think god would have brought them home in such a bad way.Tonight when I tucked him into bed I told him if he needed me he could come get me and he acted very indifferent. Should I be relieved or should I be afraid? I am at a loss for words

 

[The Mystery Machine]

What do you want your ds to understand? I don't think any of us will understand why people do the things they do. I think at best you can comfort him and then find an explanation you are comfortable with.
{{{HUGS}}}

 

[Banshee]

thats exactly it! I dont know what I want him to understand. But it is breaking my heart when he ask's why did it happen.

 

[sweet angel]

Banshee, I work in Manahawkin and live in Forked River. There was an article in the Asbury Park Press today on how to help your children through this. I saw it online this morning at app.com. I have nothing helpful to add, other than keep reassuring your son and be ready to listen when he's ready to talk.

 

[Caradana]

This must be that very sad story down in Ocean County. I know that professionals say that it's important to reassure your son that he's safe, that nothing bad will happen to him.

 

[Dan Murphy]

It is difficult for a child to understand something we as adults ourselves cannot comprehend.

 

[Serena]

I wish I could say something helpful. I am sorry for what happened.

 

[Sparx]

it seems like you want him to understand it like adults do. There are bad people out there who kill good ones. and thats happened again. I don't think he can. Has he ever experienced death, like the death of a loved one? if hes not it'll be harder to explain. Just keep lines of communication open, and try to answer his questions.

 

[sweet angel]

Just wanted to add, I just checked app.com and the story isn't there anymore. I'm sure if you have the actual paper though, you'll see it. I'm sure all the schools will have plenty of counselors available this week. I saw there was a memorial or prayer service or something today at King of Kings, and that the memorial park on Rt. 9 is offering burial plots. There's also a collection for the family at Commerce Bank.

 

[mom2boys]

According to the article, the suspect is in custody & being held on $2million dollar bond. I would definitely share that info with you son. Reassure him that you love him & that he is safe. I imagine you are already doing this. It is hard on kids when they experience something like this.

 

[Lil_Tink]

I guess just explain "Sometimes bad people hurt good ones". Just answer any questions he had..That is really sad.

Someone in my school died last year, it was really sad. I didn't even know him but that fact that he died on accident was sad.

 

[sweet angel]

I thought I had heard that since he was an illegal, they were holding him without bail. Either way, I highly doubt he'd be able to post $2M bail.

The thing that I think is really sad, the article said he had her withdraw $500 from the ATM. I hope this whole double murder and kidnapping wasn't over JUST $500. Not that any amount would make it okay, but $500?

 

[barkley]

i don't know the specifics of you situation but i can share ours.

when my dd was around 5 she attended a christian school that went from infant care thru 12th. the school was VERY family oriented and had many staff member who had attended themselves as had their sibs/spouses and own children. my dd's preschool teacher (at the time) had a son my dd's age and his dad (her husband) was a big presence at the school-helped out in the classroom, went on every field trip he could manage to-he was adored by the kids and the staff (he had also attended the school and his mom was one of the preschool directors).

one summer evening while walking in his neighborhood (very small town, violent crime almost unheard of) he was brutaly attacked and murdered by 3 teenagers-kicked and stomped to death. the teens were simulating a gang initiation they had heard about. as it happened it occured about a half a block from an apartment we were temporarily living in-in front of an elementary school we routinly walked past.

the entire community was in shock-and the entire school my dd attended was devastated. there was no rhyme or reason for a 20 somthing dad who went out of his way to help others to be taken from his little boy and wife-and all of the preschoolers who knew him as a regular presance in their lives.

my daughter was realy upset by it and became very scared that it could happen to her or one of us. we tried to explain that sometimes bad things happen to good people, that it WAS NOT their time to go-that these bad people had made them go against their wishes and god's. we emphasised that she/we were safe and that the bad people were behind bars so they could not hurt anyone else. we encouraged her to talk about it if she wanted to, but let her know she did'nt have to if she did'nt want to.

it's 6 years later and it still comes up from time to time. we have to reassure her that we are as careful as can be to stay safe-we aknowledge that it's o.k. to still be sad about it, and it's o.k. to be mad about-it was in no way right. but we also remind her of the good times she spent with her friend's dad.

prayers to your son and your community.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

We talk about things like this with our children in relation to the rules of society, and also God's law - i.e. the 10 Commandments, one of which is Thou Shalt Not Kill. They understand that the reason we have police, judges, courtrooms, and jails is because some people in our society don't follow these rules.

I agree I would not tell a child in this situation the brutal murder of a child was because it was the child's time. I would tell them that someone was either mentally ill or just plain evil and broke the rules of not killing and now that person will have to spend the rest of his life in jail, or worse, be put to death if it's a state that has the Death Penalty. This, my children seem to understand.

Our overall discussions help them understand why it's so important that we follow society's rules, but also why they must be careful of people who might not (like burgulars, child molesters, animal abusers, etc). It is scary for them but I'd rather they have their eyes open. At the same time we reassure them that we take every precaution to keep ourselves safe. You wish you didn't have to talk to kids about these things, but the truth is, it's all around us every day.

When my kids were 6 I had to explain to them that I had cancer. They watched me go through almost a year of grueling treatment. They were young enough to not understand too much, but now, at age 8, they ask me tough questions about it. I tell them the truth: that I had cancer and yes, some people do die from cancer, but the doctors gave me that strong medicine and we think I'm going to be ok. Uncomfortable? Yes. But I think the experience helped them know the realities of life and that we can make it through tough times together.

 

[SC Minnie]

Friday a father stabbed his 5yo twin girls near here.

I can't even begin to explain to DD why a father would do this to his children. I can't grasp the reason either.

 

[Banshee]

thanks everyone. I checked app.com and didnt see anything. And unfortunately I dont have the paper. But I did send him to school today with a note for his teacher just explaining how he has been feeling. She already called me and said she would definately keep on eye on him and talk to him in private before lunch. She also said several other students are taking it hard as are all of us and there are counselors available in school and that she would go with him to speak with a counselor (if he wanted) He also knows that the man is in prison and he will not be getting out. I know it sounds foolish but I wish there was something that I could do to make it go away. I wish I could bring them back. Knowing the way I and my family feel I wouldnt even want to imagine what their parents are going through. Also Sweet Angel did it say what the fund at commerce was called? Well I imagine when I go I could just say what it is for. Thanks again.

 

[AmyJ of Ca]

Last year we had someone break into our house and assault my husband (while he pushed me down) while we were asleep in bed. My DH chased the guy out but the commotion woke my oldest son (7yo at the time). The only thing I told him was first..we would not spend a night at home until we had an alarm installed and second, I told him that there are just bad people out there and all we can do is make ourselves as safe as possible and take whatever steps we can think of to make sure it doesn't happen again. I think that sometimes we tell kids too much and all it does is frighten them more.
A couple of weeks ago at my kids school, they found what they thought were 2 bombs (at an elementary school!!). They ended up callingt hem incindiary devices because they could catch fire but weren't able to explode. I just told them again that there are bad people out there that don't do nice things and we talked about what they should do if they find something suspicious. I hate that "real life" has taken some of the innocence from my kids. They shouldn't have to worry about this stuff at such a young age but they do in today's world. Amy

I also wanted to add that all the kids on the street who were evacuated from the school by busses to another school and saw all the police, haz mat, Sheriffs, bomb squad and FBI at the school were all playing "police men" that afternoon. I think that this is how kids work this stuff out on their own and are able to put it into their own context. They got to find "the bad guy" and put him in jail, even though in real life that may not happen.

 

[sweet angel]

Banshee, no the sign at Simply Hair just said something to the effect of "fund for Gonzalez family at Commerce Bank"

PM me if you need to talk -- sometimes just talking to someone local could help.

 

[Freyja]

I would tell him that you too don´t understand and that unfortunately sometimes bad things happen for no reason at all. I´d tell him that someone who is terribly bad (I´d maybe even try to explain it as a sickness of the mind) did a horrible thing and that the boys had not done anything to deserve it. The I´d try to assure him that these things are extremely rare and that he does not have to worry. Stress to him that he can talk to you about it anytime and that you will try to answer his questions.