Please help me react (or not) to VERY overweight son

[Simba's Mom]

Saw DS today for the first time since Christmas. Over the years his weight has been increasing, and now he's HUGE. DH's father died of a massive heart attack at 51 yo, and there's a major family history of cardiac/cholesterol problems so DH is really scared. What can we do? Say? Nothing? We want our son to feel loved first, but we're also so scared for him. Maybe we shouldn't say anything about his weight-it might feel like we're nagging him. Please, maybe I just need someone to yell at me-he's 26 and we're really so proud of so much he's done. Maybe we shouldn't say/do anything. But we so want him to get healthier. DH tried to talk to him, but maybe that was wrong. Any ideas? I don't know where to turn.

 

[Swmr359]

I think you should tell me you are worried about him. That you love him and are worried becuase of the family history. Maybe also tell him you will butt out if he wants you to, or help him get healthy if he wants.
Then make sure when he is home you are making healthy foods and have an active life that he can take example from.

 

[lisah0711]

I think you should tell me you are worried about him. That you love him and are worried becuase of the family history. Maybe also tell him you will butt out if he wants you to, or help him get healthy if he wants.
Then make sure when he is home you are making healthy foods and have an active life that he can take example from.

This is great advice! I mean its not like your son doesn't know that he has weight issues. He needs unconditional love and support to help him move on.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

A few years ago I was 30 lbs. overweight (that I gained when I moved away from home). Please do say something to your son. And do praise him for any small accomplishment. I always hated when I was trying to lose weight when someone would say "That's great you're choosing water today instead of a soda but what about the ice cream you ate last night? You really need to cut that down too". Now that I'm fit and have lost the weight I do nag my Dad a little bit . He's overweight and carries it all around his stomach (the most dangerous place). I basically told him I would like to have him around for as long as possible and invited him every day (many times he said no) to go for a walk with my mom and I. Finally, after years of nagging, he's starting to make changes. Good luck to you and I can't imagine how hard it must be for you to watch him gain this weight. But all it takes is one day and one decision to turn it all around.

 

[PaulaSue]

I would LOVE to know the "right" think to do. I was born overweight and now that I lost it (65 plus pounds) and now a healthy weight I realize how bad I was. I have 2 DD who take after they way I was and I trie dot help them with knonwing the right choices with some sweets now and then. Plus my Mom has gained some and my Dad has gained a lot more. Especially with their ages and Dad's health problems I am worried about all of them but I don't want to come off as some healthy nut (I still eat sweets but try to limit and prepare them lower fat) trying to change everyone.

I wish someone had sat me down when I was a growing teen and showed me how to eat right and exercise. I look and feel better at almost 40 in the last 1 1/2 years than I did my high school years, etc...

 

[pjlla]

Wow.... you are certainly between rock and a hard place. Sometimes, when my Mom has something tough to say to me, she sends me a good old-fashioned snail mail letter. That gives her a chance to get her thoughts in order and to make sure that she is saying just what she wants/means to say. And when I receive the letter, if it makes me mad/sad, it gives me a chance to calm down and think about my response before I talk to her. (BTW, I am not just a baby bird who recently flew the coop.... I am in my mid-40's.... so see, parents ALWAYS need to talk to their kids about important and difficult subjects.) Maybe you could approach it this way???

I know that my Mom is VERY concerned about my DH's weight and his health. In addition to being very overweight, my DH has a chronic neurological/autoimmune disease. He eats/drinks in a very unhealthy manner (despite my best efforts here at home) and he just doesn't seem to care about the connection between his food and his health. Plus his Dad developed adult-onset Type II diabetes in his later years (he was somewhat overweight in his later years until the diabetes set in). His eyesight and mobility were starting to fail when he passed from complications due to an undiagnosed kidney tumor. It makes me (and my Mom) so sad to see my DH heading down this same path! I know that she has sent DH (through regular mail and e-mail) lots of information about his disease and healthy eating, and such like that, but so far, it doesn't seem to have made any difference. But she hasn't given up! She is very quiet and subtle about it. She doesn't push or preach. But she doesn't give up either.

Maybe you could send him a subscription to a Men's health magazine or Weight Watcher magazine or something like that??? Or for his birthday get him a gym membership??? (This would be AFTER you spoke to him, of course.)

Just let him know that you LOVE HIM, no matter how much he weighs and you only want him to be happy and HEALTHY!

BTW, I just recently read a Weight Watchers book called "She Loses, He Loses". It talks about the difference between men and women losing weight. It talks a lot about how men and women need different kinds of encouragement and motivation (no matter what kind of diet/exercise plan is used). Maybe you could give that a browse before you talk to DS??

Anyhow, best of luck to you and your DS.......................P

 

[Amy&Dan]

I think you have to say something. Once. If it doesn't go well or he isn't receptive, then you know its his decision and that you at least talked to him. I would approach it with a "Son, the ball is in your court and you are grown but you are still our son and we want to help and support you" sort of mentality. Tell him you understand its hard and that you love him no matter what his size etc. But let him know that you are there for him with anything he needs. If he needs support etc, you are there and wanting to help but also acknowledging that he is grown and you aren't interefering per se. Also, if money is an issue, and you can help with that, tell him you are happy to help with a gym membership, or whatever else he needs. Being healthy isn't cheap. It costs more to eat healthy, and gyms, things like Weight Watchers etc., all add up. I know when I was about the age of your son, I asked my mom if she would help me out with Weight Watchers and she was more than happy to so that was nice.

Its hard to know when to be supportive and when to just back away. But I do think if you make that effort once to really sit down and tell him you are saying these things out of love and concern for his health, then you know you tried. It may do nothing on the surface, but he will know that you care. And I do think that even as adults, we all find that the things our parents tell us, are generally the most spot on, and we take it to heart more than when anyone else tells us things. Even if he appears to not want to talk or doesn't take to heart what you say, he heard it and will likely think it over carefully

Best of luck to you. I agree you are in a rock and a hard place and thats never a fun place to be. Kudos to you for being such a loving ad caring mom!

 

[Simba's Mom]

I think you have to say something. Once. If it doesn't go well or he isn't receptive, then you know its his decision and that you at least talked to him. I would approach it with a "Son, the ball is in your court and you are grown but you are still our son and we want to help and support you" sort of mentality. Tell him you understand its hard and that you love him no matter what his size etc. But let him know that you are there for him with anything he needs. If he needs support etc, you are there and wanting to help but also acknowledging that he is grown and you aren't interefering per se. Also, if money is an issue, and you can help with that, tell him you are happy to help with a gym membership, or whatever else he needs. Being healthy isn't cheap. It costs more to eat healthy, and gyms, things like Weight Watchers etc., all add up. I know when I was about the age of your son, I asked my mom if she would help me out with Weight Watchers and she was more than happy to so that was nice.

Its hard to know when to be supportive and when to just back away. But I do think if you make that effort once to really sit down and tell him you are saying these things out of love and concern for his health, then you know you tried. It may do nothing on the surface, but he will know that you care. And I do think that even as adults, we all find that the things our parents tell us, are generally the most spot on, and we take it to heart more than when anyone else tells us things. Even if he appears to not want to talk or doesn't take to heart what you say, he heard it and will likely think it over carefully

Best of luck to you. I agree you are in a rock and a hard place and thats never a fun place to be. Kudos to you for being such a loving ad caring mom!

Thanks so much. I'm flying up to see him tomorrow (his Master's Degree recital) so all your advice came at an especially good time. I feel more confident in how to approach him now.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Your welcome, I have had a weight problem since age 10 (although not a serious one until I was in my 30's) and I know that next to my own pain, the pain my mom felt seeing me unhealthy and unhapy was quite upsetting to her. This is one of those things that just doens't have any easy answers!

Keep us posted and again, good luck!

 

[Simba's Mom]

I did talk to him a little about it last night. I told him how concerned we were and why. Then, like you suggested,Amy & Dan (and obviously I thought it was a good idea), I promised him that I wouldn't mention it again. I don't want him to think that every time we see him, we're going to bug him about it. Then he'd really start avoiding us. I found out elsewhere in our meeting that he has to take a physical for his job after graduation (a musician for Princess cruises), some "fit to work" physical. I don't know how "complete" those physicals are,but I'm hoping something's said then. Any idea what a "fit to work" physical means?

 

[delilah]

Well, I'm a physician, and I do alot of work physicals. Usually, I tailor the physical to the job requirements, and usually, the potential employer has specific information that they want the exam to include. As I sometime tell patients, if I didn a really complete physical, they would be in my office nearly all day, and it would cost more money than I would care to mention. So, if a person is a teenager for a sports physical, I have one focus, and if it is a middle-aged mom, I have a different focus.

Usually, I tell patients whether they are in a normal weight range. In the specific case of a work physical, though, I wouldn't get very much into weight loss counseling, unless the patient specifically asked my advice. It also would depend on whether it was his normal doctor doing the exam. I only do work exams for patients in my practice. In my experience, my patients who have had work exams done elsewhere by a different doctor will have a very superficial, quick exam, and would be referred back to me to take care of any problems noted.