Please help me...I desperately need advice!

[pls5286]

Hello everyone! I desperately need some advice on a situation I am having. I am a straight woman, and have recently started dating (a man) again after my divorce. I don't have an issue with being gay/lesbian, and have several close friends that are gay. The issue I am having is this. One of my co-workers (I am a paramedic and we work the same shift, not the same truck, so we see one another and she comes in contact with my family), who is very anti-straight, when she met the person I was dating, because he stopped by the station for a visit, she showed her butt, but we were fine with that, you know everyone is entitled to their opinion. This is where my problem came up, my kids came by the station to see me at a seperate time with Kevin (my BF), who had picked the kids up from my parents and brought them by for a visit. Well my co-worker pops in at the station and proceeds to tell my kids who are 11 and 5 that "Your mom is wrong and evil because she dates men instead of women, she will go to h3ll for that". To defuse the situation, Kevin just took the kids on home, and we talked to them saying that each person has a right to love who they want how they want. My question to you is how do I say something to her without coming across in the wrong way and getting in trouble at work. I really don't want to get the supervisors involved unless I have to, but I also don't want her telling my kids stuff like that. I work 24 hrs on duty and 48 hrs off duty, but I do pull lots of 48 hr shifts...2 or 3 a month, and I enjoy it when my family comes by to visit me.

Any advice on how to handle the situation?

TIA

Patty

 

[ChrizJen]

I'm utterly baffled by your situation. I don't understand her behavior at all. It sounds like she's a very bitter person, but beyond that, she needs serious help. What she said to your children was completely out of line and uncalled for.

I would venture to say that she has been treated in a similar way by people who are anti-gay. (I'm not in any way saying that this would justify her behavior, because YOU never treated her that way. But it may explain some of her bitterness toward the straight community.) My guess is that she is attracted to you, and this is not only anger and bitterness towards the straight community in general, but maybe some jealousy rearing its ugly head. Regardless, she needs some counseling to help deal with these issues.

My suggestion would be to talk to her first. Let her know that her actions are not appropriate, and that you would appreciate it if she would lay off. And if that doesn't get any results, then I wouldn't hesitate to go to your superiors. Even though the behavior is aimed at your family, she is doing it at work, so you're affected by it too.

Good luck with your situation...It's a strange one indeed.

 

[rpmdfw]

Patty,

My advice is to handle it exactly the same way as if it was a straight co-worker interferring. What she's doing is harrassment, pure and simple. You do not have to put up with it.

A simple "Mind your own business" is all that this woman deserves to hear from you. If she persists, then bring supervisors in. That's their job. If you're not comfortable going to the supervisors, contact someone in a "human resources" role.

Rob

 

[StormTigger]

While my 1st reaction would be to say get the supervisors involved cuz this can get uglier fast. I will say document everything that has happened and everything you say to her, and make note of anyone who saw the exchange. If you do have to go to the supervisors or HR have that in hand.

 

[NikkiPants]

Sounds like this woman is crazy and jealous all rolled into one. I agree with what everyone else is saying, though.

 

[padalyn]

Patti -
I know there is a little more than you are letting on about how paramedics work together. I also am a paramedic - one has to trust one's partner and co-workers to have their backs. When another co-worker (partner or not) acts inappropiately it makes the patient care suffer.

Bringing in the supervisor can also create another type of stress in the work enviroment - being labeled.

To that end - I agree with some of the other comments. Confront her. Be polite and firm. Your choice or Partners is yours and yours alone. She is not your partner or Partner (small p for work and Large P for personal). She is not entitled to treat you inappropiately or to make comments about your choices in life.

If, after confronting her, she still has not apologized and changed her bahavior then I would suggest having your boyfriend contact the harrassment hot line and make a complaint. You can honestly say that you didn't contact them when asked, and the hotline will take care of the supervisor.

Also - keep a log of her actions and her comments. Include the date, time and exact syntax or action made. Do this in composition notebook not a looseleaf or spiral. This shows that pages have not been added or removed from the book.

When you family comes to visit - go outside. Do not bring them into the house - this will force her to leave you alone since if she follows you outside she then falls into the stalking catagory.

I hope this helps a little - and please remember that one bad apple is not what the whole group is like....

 

[tomboy_m]

Sounds like she has a major crush on you and is super upset that you didn't pick her. As a lesbian that has had a huge crush on a engage co-worker in the past, I would suggest that you find a time that you can discreetly talk to her and ask her why she is acting like that. I know that I misinterpreted some of the things that my straight friend/coworker did as interest and was really hurt when she didn't reciprocate my more obvious advances... not saying that I acted like she did, but I wonder if that is what is going on. The way she is acting is nutz... but maybe it can be worked out between the two of you and you will be able to remain friends.

 

[RickinNYC]

Forget about talking to her quietly. What she has done in those situations you described is nothing but sexual harrassment. She deserves to be reported and written up. If she doesn't comply, she gets fired. Period.

She is heterophobic. Nothing more, nothing less, and she should be treated as any idiot homophobe should.

 

[pls5286]

Thanks for all of the advice. Yesterday's shift wasnt bad, but we also ran our butts off, so there was no time for anything. I looked at the schedule before I left work this morning and I am terrified...We have been assigned to work the same truck on an overtime shift. I think this will be a good time to talk to her, but what do I do if the talk goes bad? It is not like I can just leave, because I cant leave a 911 truck uncovered. What do I do? Kevin and I have already talked and he said he definitely will not bring the kids by that night (fyi Kevin is not my children's father, my parents watch them for me while I am at work). We do not have a HR dept at work, because it is a small company...I would have to go to my shift supervisor to handle the issues. What do I do? I have known for a while that this person has been known to turn violent and that scares me, even though it has never happened at work. I can defend myself when necessary, but being involved in a physical altercation with a co-worker is automatic termination, and I can't loose my job over this one.

Patty

 

[almond]

She sounds like she is jealous - and maybe she does have a crush on you. But that doesnt give her the right to bully or say the things she did to your children. Its not a nice situation for you but if you dont sort it out it may get worse. Why should you feel uncomfortable when all you want to do is your job. And she is now making it difficult for you to see your children when you are on a long shift. Tell her you didnt appreciate what she said to innocent children and to keep her snide remarks to herself. Have no hesitation in reporting her if she persists - you are not in the wrong. If you talk to her make sure you do it in a place you can walk away from her and near other people like in the yard at work rather than on the road when there is only the two of you. She didnt mind saying what she did when others were around so neither should you.

 

[pls5286]

Well, the shift from hell is over. When I tried to talk to her, she just said I was prejudiced and had no right to ask her to not say stuff to my kids. She said she would say what she wanted to who she wanted. When Kevin came by, she really showed her tail. She accused us of being gay bashers. She began ranting and screaming about lots of things. Kevin went to the bathroom and called the shift supervisor on his cell and let him hear what was going on. It was not a pretty situation. The supervisor came to the station unannounced while she was telling me that if either one of us told anyone what she had said, we would be sorry and she would make our lives a living hell. Well, the supervisor not-so politely sent her home and brought in someone else to work with me. He also wanted to know why I had allowed it to go on for as long as I did. She is being investigated now for her behavior and we will no longer be working on the same shift, if she manages to keep her job...they are talking to other employees to see if I am the only one this has happened to. My supervisor did not have the athority to fire her on the spot, but can send her home without pay. There is a BIG meeting Monday to discuss everything.

I don't even want to know what would have happened if Kevin had not made the phone call....I did not even know he made it, but it also helped me out, by not making me the rat, plus my shift commander heard everything that was going on.

Thanks for all your advice

Patty

 

[rpmdfw]

Patty,

I'm so sorry that you've had to endure all this! But I'm glad that your supervisors are handling this and working to protect you, your kids, and your other co-workers from this happening again.

Oh, and Kevin . . . . he sounds like a keeper!

Rob

 

[padalyn]

Wow Patti that sounds like a shift from h**l all right. I am glad the supervisor was able to send her home. Good luck with the rest of the investigation. You may need to tell them about how Kevin witnessed the first bad behavior....

again - good luck

 

[tomboy_m]

Wow, that was crazy... Good luck with the whole situation. sounds like she is fairly mentally unstable. Kuddos to Kevin for letting the supervisor know.

 

[gdaysboi]

This is a terrible situation and it is just wrong.

One you need to let her know that you understand she has strong opinions on various topics and you don't mind hearing about (x,y and z). ie - Set a boundary of tolerance.

However, the way you spoke to my family and act last time, went to far. Whether you thought it was a joke it hurt and embarrassed not only me but confused them. I would appreciate that, out of respect for me and my family you don't address adult issues with them.

Then I would say, what you did hurt me and I wanted to let you know. I don't want this to be a bigger issue but if it happens again understand that I will have to report it.

Be stern, show respect, kindness and have a firm plan of action.
Good luck

Oops - Sounds like you tried my way and she is a b(*&%$! Kevin good job, bullies of and kind need to be held accountable for their actions. The sad thing is that woman will remain angry and most likely never learn how mean she is instead, for some reason she will always think she is right.

 

[polineedyan]

OK..first off..Why did you have your kids at work again? I would probably not be bringing them there, if I knew that she was likely to say things like that. I dont really condone fighting fire with fire (no pun intended) so to come at her is probably not gonna work. I would tell her that I didnt appreciate her saying things like that to the kids.
What I dont get (and probably wont even try) is how someone can be ANTI-straight? How exactly does that make sense? I mean, she wouldnt be here to SAY that, had her parents been ANTI- straight..But like I said..not gonna try to figure that one out..

 

[pls5286]

My kids were not at work with me when this happened. Kevin had stopped by to visit me, but he did not bring the kids. The disciplinary meeting is tomorrow. I will keep you posted on how it goes.

Patty

 

[pls5286]

Well, my co-worker adamantly denied having done anything wrong. The shift commander, however, because he had been listening on the phone was able to verify my side and because she had actually threatened me, she was terminated. They are still looking at her previous partners t see if maybe she had done some of the same things to them, but they were scared to report it. I would have just let it go if she had not involved my kids. My commander had also talked to several others on the same shift we work to see if there was some way that I had possibly invited the comments she made to me, but it was established that I had done nothing wrong, just trying to enjoy my family while I was at work. The good news is now my kids can come back to see me at work without me being scared of what will be said to them. I was told though if this type of situation arrises again in the future, to not try to handle it between co-workers, to go straight to the commander.

I really appreciate everyones advice here. Thanks for all the help!!!!

Patty

 

[rpmdfw]

Well, my co-worker adamantly denied having done anything wrong. The shift commander, however, because he had been listening on the phone was able to verify my side and because she had actually threatened me, she was terminated. They are still looking at her previous partners t see if maybe she had done some of the same things to them, but they were scared to report it. I would have just let it go if she had not involved my kids. My commander had also talked to several others on the same shift we work to see if there was some way that I had possibly invited the comments she made to me, but it was established that I had done nothing wrong, just trying to enjoy my family while I was at work. The good news is now my kids can come back to see me at work without me being scared of what will be said to them. I was told though if this type of situation arrises again in the future, to not try to handle it between co-workers, to go straight to the commander.

I really appreciate everyones advice here. Thanks for all the help!!!!

Patty

So glad that you can breathe easily at work again!