Please help me help DH!!! (sorry very long post)

[hlane]

DH went to the doctor last night because he's had a sore throat for about a week. Turns out he has strep, ear infection, and a sinus infection. He called me last night while I was grocery shopping to tell me this. He then says, BTW, I found out why I've been having headaches & my back has been hurting, it's because my blood pressure is 163/110, maybe higher, I really don't remember!!! That sentence right there leads me to believe it was higher but he didn't want to tell me. He also goes on to tell me that they weighed him and he weighted 269, but of course according to him, their scale has to be wrong because no way he weighs that much. YES!! I'm POSITIVE he weighs that much!!! I just don't know what to do. I've cleaned out the kitchen of junk food, he turns around and brings crap into the house himself. I've been trying to cook healthier, he'll either eat what I make but then turn around & go get a pizza or fast food OR he'll tell me he's trying to cut back/he's not hungry/doesn't feel good, take your pick, then later in the evening he'll get a pizza or fast food. He works 3:30 p.m - 2 a.m. 4 days a week and I promise you, 3 out of the 4 nights I will wake up to the smell of a Red Baron pizza cooking at about 2:30 am. He'll eat the whole pizza, and also have a bag of pork rinds, and a big pop. In fact last night when he called me at the grocery store, he tells me he's leaving the drs office, and he's heading out for a pizza. He said last night would be his last night of splurging, he promised!! I don't know what to do!!! His family history is really bad as far as heart disease, and hyertension goes. I told him last night, I hope he gets it together because I don't know how I will manage taking care of our DS 3 & 4 by myself and trying to make a living if something happens to him. He won't eat hardly anything that's not highly processed. He also said it's just because he got out of the habit of exercising the last few years!! HELLO!!! He's 29, we've been together 10 years & he's exercised maybe 20 times since I met him!!! BTW the doctor put him on bp medication last night. I'm worried that he'll take it, they'll tell him it's working, his bp is down & then he'll feel that's the only change he has to make! Please help!! Does anyone have any suggestions? I am so mad at him but only because I love him so much & I'm worried about him!!

TIA!

 

[ZerasPride]

I am so sorry to read your post. I have tears in my eyes as I type this response to you because the love for your DH comes through so clearly. Unfortunately, weight is a personal issue and a person will only be reformed if they want to be. Food can be just as much an addicition for some people as drugs and alcohol for others and all the pleading, threatening and bribing won't make a person change unless they really want to. I should know. At my top weight I was 282.5 pounds and was in total denial about my weight problem and addiction to highly processed foods.

The turning point for me was reading the South Beach Diet book. It literally changed my life. When I realized why I was feeling so bad and couldn't sleep at night and couldn't stay away from the highly processed foods it made so much sense to me. I'm not saying a low carb diet is right for your husband but it sounds like he needs to "get it" and purchasing the right book that appeals to him might help.

My husband is/was doing South Beach with me but he is wavering and cheating (big time) even if he doesn't think I know, I do. He has gained a lot of his weight back and is sneaking food when he thinks I don't know about it. I attribute part of it to the fact that he never read the SBD book and made this "diet" a lifestyle change. At first I was angry with him that he doesn't exercise and cheats but now I realize, even grudgingly, that he is a grown man and has to make his own decisions. I just hope my good example will one day rub off on him.

I am so sorry you are going through this with your DH. I can tell by your post that you truly love him and want him to be healthy and be around you and your kids for a long long time. It's terrible when people destroy themselves with food. I hope he can find a program that makes sense to him and that he wants to stick with. South Beach and Atkins will allow him to eat lots of protein and healthy fats. That could be appealing to him. There are lots of recipes out there for lc'ing including if he chooses, pizza, low carb cake, no sugar ice cream, mock french toast, sausage, bacon, steak, shrimp, fish, whole wheat pasta, alfredo sauces and so much more. Honestly, most days I don't even feel like I'm on a diet.

If you'd like more info, you can either pm me or take a look at a journal I have on WISH journal boards with most of my menus posted daily.

{{{hugs}}}

 

[wtpclc]

I wish I could give you great advice an fix things for you. Lisa is right, though. Your dh has to make the decision for himself. All you can do is try to be a good example and support him in his decisions. With my dh, I just shut up and wait. He is very stubborn and pushing him has the opposite effect. He needs to figure it out on his own (or belive that he did) to really go with something.

We're here for you if you need to vent or need support for you!

 

[johde]

Like Lisa said, it is his decision to make. If you push to hard, he might rebel. He needs to find an eating plan that works in his life. For me, that has been the South Beach diet with a little bit of Atkins and Weight Watchers Core thrown into the mix. I still average less than 1 serving of grain a day (more Atkings) but allow myself a few treats (Core's flex points). At my heaviest I weighed close to 375 lbs and it wasn't until I saw my brother who was about the same size starting to lose weight that I started thinking it could work.

At this point, I won't try to get him to "exercise". I would try to see if you could increase his activity without calling it exercise. Go and walk around the neighborhood or a local park, go bowling, find something you can do together to keep active. Last spring, believe it or not, when I was at my heaviest, before I even started losing weight, I went out and played paintball with our local church group.

I had went mainly as a chaperone but we were one person short of a team so I filled it. I'm sure it looked funny seeing a 375lb man trying to run around (more like bearly jogging) to get from bunker to bunker that he stuck out of on all sides but I enjoyed it and it was fun. I ended up playing 6 or 7 more times last summer. This year, at almost 100lb less, I will be a force to be reconned with on the field. I realized in order to get good, I would need to improve my speed, agility and stamina. Needing to stop and take a breather after moving between each bunker wasn't going to work very well.

Hopefully your husband will find a plan that works for him. You just need to support him what ever that plan may be.

 

[Lesli54]

I understand exactly how you feel and have wondered the same about my DH. He has put on a good 40 lbs since the beginning of 2000. I wouldn't be surprised if it was more, but he denies it and says he only needs to get rid of 10-15 lbs. His problem is that he had surgery late 1999 for GI problems and felt so much better that he could eat anything and he does. Now he says that if he loses too much weight then he won't feel good like before. But the before was not weight related it was medical related and he has been stable medically for 5 years. To me it is an excuse.

The beginning of Feb this year he had to go to the emergency room because he sliced part of his finger really good. His BP was up so high, that even he was alarmed. I was there. It is bordering going into the danger zone. His answer to was to back off the chips and use less salt. He was going to have a checkup with our Dr., but he was out of town during the time that DH was ready to go. The BP went down (a little) after a few days of not eating so many chips and he decided that he didn't need to see the Dr. After all, he had solved the problem for now. It is not down far enough and it scares me. There is some history of heart problems, BP problems and diabetes in his family (especially the diabetes). He knows he needs to watch it, but just puts it off.

I have tried to get DH to join with me in my program, even went through a week where no one could eat after 8pm. That drove him nuts because he couldn't have his nightly bowl of ice cream loaded with butterscotch topping and his nightly sandwich and whatever else he finds. He is now back to those. He will eat the healthier meals that I am fixing, but claims that he is not full (I think overstuffed) and will find more. It is hard to get him to kick his diet pepsi addiction and drink more water or milk. The biggest battle that I have is he grabs things off the shelf at the store and eats whenever he feels he is hungry. We own the store so food is always at his disposal. I wouldn't mind if it were always healthy and sometimes it is, but for everything healthy, he eats twice as much junk.

I am scared much like you are, but there doesn't seem to be much that I can do about it. The part that makes me sad the most is that fact that he waited so long to have a family and he may not live long enough to enjoy them. I am not scared of raising children by myself, I have done that before. When we got married, he chose to become a father to my oldest DDs and that was great! They are now almost out of HS. He never thought he would have children of his own, then when he was almost 43, our youngest DD was born. That was a joy in itself and he cherished the fact that he had a biological child (while at the same time cherishing my oldest DDs). A great surprise came when our DS was born and my DH was almost 48. He has been so happy and proud of his family (all of them) and takes so much time to be a part of their lives. Last fall, he turned 50 and I am worried that his eating habits will keep him from seeing our youngest DD graduate HS in 11 years, let alone our DS graduate in 16 years.

I just have to keep hoping that one day SOON he will realize this and be more willing to work with me. All I can do now is lead by example and hope that when I get all the weight off he will decide that I look so sexy, he will want to start losing to keep up with me.

Just know that I am in your corner and pray for both of our DH's.

 

[hlane]

Thank you all for your words of support & suggestions. I took everyone's advice and told DH I'm here to help him if he wants me to & asks but I won't push him. I've decided not to try to force him to make changes because he's stubborn & I'm sure he will rebel. I've also decided I will only help him, he's going to have to do most of the work as far as following a plan that he chooses and sticking with it. I've tried in the past to do it all for him, make menus, shop, cook, serve him meals just so he'll stay on plan & that doesn't work either. This is a personal life change he'll have to make & I can't do it for him. I did go to the library last night & check out the South beach book. I'm going to read it & then try to get him to do the same. Thanks again, all the support I find on this board is wonderful!!

 

[DznyDreams]

Hello hlane!

My advice is like most, and it comes from your husband's perspective. I know it must be frustrating to see what your husband is doing to himself....I'm sure my husband feels the same about me.

I was in your husband's shoes until my focus changed on March 5th. I'm not exactly sure what it was that steered me toward this new attitude, but I do know there was NOTHING anyone could have said to me to make a difference until I was ready. I have listened and read for years now about the risks involved in carrying the huge amount of weight I have on my body now, and it never really phased me. (It would depress my mood, but not really change my outlook.) Earlier this month I finally reached a point where I am just plain sick and tired of how limited my mobility has become, how many aches and pains I feel in my joints and muscles on a daily basis, and that 40 is only a few years away! I also realize that my now 8-year-old daughter could easily fall into the same bad habits as I if I don't change now.

You've heard it from so many already, so I know you get it - There's really nothing you can say or do other than just love DH as is. (I know you do that already.) I can't tell you how much it has meant to me to have my DH (who really doesn't have a weight problem at all) tell me how much he loves me and values my life on a daily basis for the past 9-1/2 years that we've been married. He has stuck by me through some really low times. I'm ready to give him the active healthy wife he deserves. Don't get me wrong, I'm not doing this FOR him, but I'm am doing this because I know I deserve a better life for myself. (The fact that my family will benefit is just a terrific added bonus.)

I am the one who finally "get's it" now.