Please Help Me Adopt

[fey_spirit]

I am looking for advice on the ways in which I need to turn my life around in order to best increase my odds of successful adoption.

I am a female, 35 years of age - living in a ten year committed relationship with my life partner (this is one of the few areas in which I will not compromise - she is the love of my life and as desperately as I want a baby - I wont give her up.)

I am however willing to single parent adopt if it will help me get around the issue of her age (48) and our relationship. And while we live in KY I am more then willing to move to a state that will be more open to our situation.

I am spiritual but not religious, though if I were to be labeled as anything it would be pagan.

We make about 27,300 dollars a year - she has a steady job and it doesn't looking to be going anywhere anytime soon.

I am currently on SSI and so a stay at home housewife - my conditions include Bi-Polar disorder and Borderline Personality but I am close to having both completely under control.

I am a diabetic - but it is controlled.
I have no other health conditions

I have a strong and supportive family system

What do I need to do to make myself the best canidate possible?

I would do almost anything to be a mother - it's that one thing that I know that if I don't do it - I will look back on my life in that last moment and regret... help me please.

 

[pyrxtc]

sorry, I can't help, but there are not many (if any) agencies that would place a child with you. You may look inot fostering but chances of a child getting placed with you then would probably not be goo either. You don't make neough money to pay all the fee's associated wiht adoption and with your medical history and current standing, it looks bad.

Your best bet is to try to find a donor and have the baby yourself. Or go thru a private adoption and the mother would have to pick you to raise her child.

I know it's not what you wanted to hear but you asked. My Dh make a good amount of money and we could not afford to adopt if we chose to.

 

[a1tinkfans]

sorry, no help here...
BUT
just wanted to pop in and say good wishes in the pursuit of your dream!

 

[fey_spirit]

Well the good news here is this is what I heard:

Create a situation in your life where you can make more money
(any idea about what would be the right yearly income?)

Get a psychologist to clear you on your mental illnesses and then get a job ya shmuck.

I can do those things - I know that my odds aren't good at the moment, I am willing to make any changes that I need to make to have a child. Short of leaving the woman I love and breaking my moral code there is nothing I wont do to have a child.

I am also looking into the possibility of birth - and if I can get cleared on a health level for it then I will take that route... but by the time that would be feasible I would be a 40 year old Diabetic and I don't know if that would present too many risks for me and the child.

sorry, I can't help, but there are not many (if any) agencies that would place a child with you. You may look inot fostering but chances of a child getting placed with you then would probably not be goo either. You don't make neough money to pay all the fee's associated wiht adoption and with your medical history and current standing, it looks bad.

Your best bet is to try to find a donor and have the baby yourself. Or go thru a private adoption and the mother would have to pick you to raise her child.

I know it's not what you wanted to hear but you asked. My Dh make a good amount of money and we could not afford to adopt if we chose to.

 

[pyrxtc]

At least your taking it wiht heart and not personally. Not knowing you on a personal level, I don't know how bad any of your conditions are and some say they are never really under control since anything can happen to change them.

I would try to see what I would ahve to do to get cleared to be a foster parent. Since you are already at home all day, they probably won't care that you have a female partner and may work with you on some other things.

 

[fey_spirit]

Fostering is not an option for me.
I admire those with the strength to take a child into their homes, bond and then let them go again... but it would tear me apart each and every time.

My conditions were worse when I was younger...
I have learned over many years to gain control of my moods and my reactions to them.
Within the next five years my therapist says she would be more then happy to vouch for me if I continue to improve at this rate.

At least your taking it wiht heart and not personally. Not knowing you on a personal level, I don't know how bad any of your conditions are and some say they are never really under control since anything can happen to change them.

I would try to see what I would ahve to do to get cleared to be a foster parent. Since you are already at home all day, they probably won't care that you have a female partner and may work with you on some other things.

 

[SunshineOR]

Here's what I know solely from my experience. We've adopted through the state agency here, which is probably somewhat the same and somewhat different from your state's agency. Sounds like financially a private adoption isn't feasible, so I'm assuming you'd have to go state agency as well. We have lost out several times to same-sex couples when we wanted to adopt. I think for several reasons that DHS has been very eager to place children with committed partners and that would actually be to your advantage. Partner's age may be an issue. We're younger, so I'm not sure if that becomes a barrier or not. The fact that you have a good support system is a nice thing to have and will help.

Health issues you say are under control. They'll question that, but as long as you can prove it's under control they cannot hold that against you. As long as you are financially stable and can prove there will be continuous financial stabillity (but you would need partner for this), it doesn't matter that you don't have a significant income. It's not so much how much you make, but just that you can prove that you can provide and the money will be steady.

The steps we went through are the same to become foster parents; however, we also didn't feel we could handle the loss of a child after becoming attached, so we have focused solely on adopting foster children after the parents rights have been terminated. There are always risks with any adoptive placement, but it's pretty low-risk on the scale of things. If you only want an infant, that can be challenging because they're usually not legally freed for adoption and go into foster homes, also a lot of people want to adopt infants and it gets competitive. If you're open to an older child, your chances of placement increase exponentially with each passing year of age.

On a personal note, I would be cautious with your health issues to be sure you don't get a child with a lot of issues. Children are available on the spectrum from pretty much normal to wow this kid has a lot of issues. Taking on a child with issues can seem romantic and heroic and if you're super-eager to be a parent it can be easy to agree to anything. It's mentally and physically exhausting and the financial burden increases as well with greater issues. I'm not saying you can't do it, I'm just saying keep it in mind and don't romanticize it and really think about what you'll be able to handle. good luck.

 

[brittsmum1998]

Well the good news here is this is what I heard:

Create a situation in your life where you can make more money
(any idea about what would be the right yearly income?)

Get a psychologist to clear you on your mental illnesses and then get a job ya shmuck.

I can do those things - I know that my odds aren't good at the moment, I am willing to make any changes that I need to make to have a child. Short of leaving the woman I love and breaking my moral code there is nothing I wont do to have a child.

I am also looking into the possibility of birth - and if I can get cleared on a health level for it then I will take that route... but by the time that would be feasible I would be a 40 year old Diabetic and I don't know if that would present too many risks for me and the child.

While I have never adopted (took the classes and then had my own) I don't think your life partner is the problem. I don't think you need to break your moral code. I think as pp's have said its your chronic medical conditions. Unfortunately I don't see that situation changing although I am glad to hear that it is under control. I think your best bet as someone said would be to have your own child. Good Luck to you.

 

[KandD]

Sorry I have no advice but I just wanted to say good luck and I hope that everything works out for you.

 

[Octoberbride03]

from what I've learned about adopting so far, its really not about you being in a same sex couple. It IS about passing the home study required to adopt. Your Bi-Polar status may be your biggest hurdle there. My advice would be to start researching adoption agencies and attorneys so you can get specifics on what's required for your state. All 50 states require the home study but some are more specific than others as to what goes in. And agencies vary as well on their requirements to pass.

 

[quentina]

Local agency that offers adoption through the state (Children and Youth etc).

We used Concern. We got 2 kids, sibling group, ages 4 and 2. We were not picky as to race, sex and our requested age was under 5. It took 1.5 years from application to adoption day (1 year on the 30th).

If you want a baby, that may be a little trickier.

Our yearly salary is much higher than yours however, I seem to recall them saying you need to be able to support the child in a safe enviroment, income was not a large issue. I am unsure if there were minimum guidelines.

If you look in the phone book, you will find many foster care agencys. They offer adoption programs with minimul cost. We paid a total of $75.00 for the complete process.

Keep in mind, there is legal risk. There is a chance that a bio family member may come out of the wood work.

Best advise I can give you...be open and honest with your caseworker. We said, we wanted the lowest legal risk available. Our daughter was in the system more than 15 months, this is the guideline for our state. Our risk was very, very low..however, it was still there.

Good luck!