Please help, I need advice!!!

[Desnik]

You guys are all always so smart and helpful I just had to come here to ask for some help/advice. Sorry in advance, it's gonna be long!

My MIL calls me today crying telling me her son(DH's brother) is going to divorce his wife. He is at his wits end and can't take it anymore. They had a baby 5 months ago and things in their marriage just got worse than they were.(no surprise there) He works full time and she recently quit her job to stay home with the baby. She didn't want to have a baby but did it for him cause he wanted one badly. Now she doesn't cook, clean, wash clothes, iron, nothing. She is home with the baby and waits till my BIL comes home to feed her cause she doesn't want to. She put the baby on the couch 2 days ago and the baby fell off. The baby has really bad cradle cap and she doesn't bathe her at all. My BIL has to do it but he recently just figured out she wasn't bathing her at all and over a week went by before she admitted to not bathing her! He has talked to her numerous times in the past about her laziness, etc.. she sees nothing wrong with how she is. MIL who is handicap goes there and cleans cause the house is disgusting. Anyway, their marriage is over. He's the really tough part. He doesn't want her to get custody of the baby because he is fearful for his babies safety and well being. My MIL has been going over there daily to make sure the baby isn't in any danger while BIL is at work. He loves his baby but feels he cannot take care of her alone. They both have discussed it and they want to release their rights as parents and they want DH and I to adopt her. Her family holds a lot of control over her and once they hear about this they will be on her to not do it. They would want the baby. I know these people and they are a mess financially, emotionally, and live in filth. They are loosing their house. Please don't think I'm being mean or judgmental, I have known them for years and have seen first hand how they are and live. Anyway, I think they would try to get custody of the baby. My BIL is so distraught and really has no clue. Truthfully all I care about is my niece safety and well being. She is being neglected and has parents that can't take care of her.

I need to know what DH and I can do. Is there anything? What can we advise him to do? She wants to come back to NY cause her mom will take care of her baby and she won't have to do a thing. I told him do not let her take the baby out of the state! He doesn't want his baby with her family because they are unfit as well.(although I know they will at least bathe the baby and feed her, but have no money to buy the food, diapers,etc..) He told DH he knows his baby has the best chance of a good, normal life if she was raised with us. He said he fully understands that he would be giving up his rights to us. She does too but is so afraid of her family.

I am so worried something is going to happen to this baby, my heart is breaking for her. She is only 5 and a half months old. Is there someone I can call to express my concerns about her? I don't want her to go into foster care or anything like that. I swear DH and I would be on a plane tomorrow to get her if we had to or were allowed to.

What should we do?

 

[NMAmy]

Do you think it's possible the mother has post-partum depression? If that is even a remote possibility, I would be encouraging my brother to try to get her some help before just divorcing her and trying to take the baby away.

I'm sorry your family is going through this--it sounds like a heartbreaking situation for all involved.

 

[Magic Mom]

I think advice from a lawyer and a family counselor would be much more valuable then advice from internet "friends" for a situation this serious and involved.

 

[Alex2kMommy]

I agree with the PP. This is a situation where a misstep could be very costly. Consult an attorney.

 

[mommytobug]

Adoptive mommy and adoption worker here. First of all, it will not be possible to place this child unless the mother agrees. If DHS gets involved, then there may be a chance of terminating her rights. But, that is usually a long process. She did not want the baby but I bet she will fight tooth and nail not to place her. If I were him, I would be trying to get custody. He loves the child and I sure wants what is best. Placement may be what is best but it cant be done without both agreeing to terminating any rights they have. If this goes any further, I would contact an adoption attorney to see what the laws in your state are. if you are crossing state lines, that brings up more issues with interstate compact. My heart breaks in these cases. I cant have children biologically and I often get angry at people who can and don't care for them correctly. I would love another child.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

First HUGS to you....

Second him saying that you could be the parents of the baby is talking out of emotion and not a reality. Don't even attempt to do anything or say anything about it. I would drop it right now.

What I advise you to do is be supportive and direct him to an attorney. He can try and file for temp. custody, although if she is a SAHM, doubtful if he will be granted that. Who knows.

Above all lend an ear and not alot of mouth. Custody battles can be ugly and the more speak, the more comes back to haunt you.

Even after the divorce kids are used as pawns and in a tough postion. My brother divorced 3yrs ago, with 2 boys and a stepson.

 

[Desnik]

I think advice from a lawyer and a family counselor would be much more valuable then advice from internet "friends" for a situation this serious and involved.

Thanks. Of course I have contacted a lawyer, just waiting for a call back. Sometimes there are lawyers here or people who have been through these types of things. Just looking to vent and seek opinions.

I just found out he has spoken to a lawyer and has an appointment tomorrow at 3pm. Thank goodness for my MIL's girlfriend who fronted the $3000 retainer. BIL doesn't have money for it at all.

 

[NotUrsula]

That description SCREAMS serious postpartum depression. This is one of those cases where that "for better or for worse" part of the promise becomes a tough reality to deal with.

Maybe they will divorce in the end, but she is almost certainly seriously ill right now. BIL's priority should be getting her help and making sure that the baby is safe while she gets help. The situations needs to be stabilized before any long-term decisions about custody are addressed.

 

[Desnik]

Do you think it's possible the mother has post-partum depression? If that is even a remote possibility, I would be encouraging my brother to try to get her some help before just divorcing her and trying to take the baby away.

I'm sorry your family is going through this--it sounds like a heartbreaking situation for all involved.

No, she has always been like this. She has mental issues, has been hospitalized in the past because of it. She is on medication for it.

 

[c4a]

Adoptive mommy and adoption worker here. First of all, it will not be possible to place this child unless the mother agrees. If DHS gets involved, then there may be a chance of terminating her rights. But, that is usually a long process. She did not want the baby but I bet she will fight tooth and nail not to place her. If I were him, I would be trying to get custody. He loves the child and I sure wants what is best. Placement may be what is best but it cant be done without both agreeing to terminating any rights they have. If this goes any further, I would contact an adoption attorney to see what the laws in your state are. if you are crossing state lines, that brings up more issues with interstate compact. My heart breaks in these cases. I cant have children biologically and I often get angry at people who can and don't care for them correctly. I would love another child.

As someone else said,it sounds like post partum depression. The biological mother needs to be checked! There are meds. she can take-not sure if it would affect the breast feeding, though.
Dh and I raise our neice-have since she was a baby. We are her legal guardians. (I don't like to say parent because it seems kinda disloyal to my sister-Kendall's mom-she died...but I suppose we are.) Trust me, the battle can get ugly, frustrating. You just have to remember that you are looking out for & standing up for someone who can't protect themself. That what you are doing is out of love. (Easy as that sounds-during a battle-it can be hard to remember that. It's even harder to remember that the "other side" of the family deserve to know the child, also.) Get an EXCELLENT adoption lawyer (the best you can afford) AFTER the bio. mother is checked for ppd.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

This just makes me cry.....
He needs to fight for custody, and you need to be there for him.....

I agree, she may have PPD, and they should BOTH seek counseling...

I really can't think of advice, it's heartbreaking for that baby

 

[GoodFairies]

That description SCREAMS serious postpartum depression. This is one of those cases where that "for better or for worse" part of the promise becomes a tough reality to deal with.

Maybe they will divorce in the end, but she is almost certainly seriously ill right now. BIL's priority should be getting her help and making sure that the baby is safe while she gets help. The situations needs to be stabilized before any long-term decisions about custody are addressed.

I agree. Also he wanted this baby (not her?) and when things get tough he's ready to jump ship and give up parental rights? Both of them need immediate help. Sorry, I think lawyer is the wrong phone call to make. Doctor/Psychiatrist first.

 

[Evil Genius]

No, she has always been like this. She has mental issues, has been hospitalized in the past because of it. She is on medication for it.

This certainly changes things. She needs to see her doctors immediately.

Why did you not mention this in your first post?

 

[NotUrsula]

No, she has always been like this. She has mental issues, has been hospitalized in the past because of it. She is on medication for it.

Postpartum depression and other forms of depression can coexist, and postpartum depression may need different meds than other forms. Pregnancy/postpartum hormones can make you need adjustments in your meds, too.

Her psychiatrist NEEDS to be informed about her present situation and that the baby may be at risk of neglect. BIL should do that right away. Most importantly, the psychiatrist needs to step in to get her to put the baby into daycare somewhere, so that she is not alone with her during the day with no other adult in the house. If there are money problems that make paying for daycare a problem, the Doctor can request a space in a crisis nursery for the child.

I really cannot emphasize enough how important it is for BIL to go to his wife's doctors NOW. This could easily spiral into postpartum psychosis if it is not properly handled. If that happens, Mom and/or baby could end up dead.

 

[Laura]

I think a good thing would be for that baby to enter some sort of daycare situation IMMEDIATELY where she at least is not being neglected during the day while her dad is at work. Find a babysitter, find SOMEBODY. He did want this child, IMO he should step up and take the baby's care out of her crazy mother's hands. And he should see a lawyer ASAP to figure out what his next step is. And have him document everything, tell his wife's doctor what's going on, etc.

 

[Disney Doll]

I would involve all necessary parties...medical, legal and child protective...immediately.

Don't give me that baloney about what he can and can't afford. It's his kid. If the mother is unwilling/unable to care for the child, then he has to.

He needs to do what is necessary to insure his child's safety.

And he needs to do some soul-searching about he would choose to marry and then have a child with someone who apparently made it very clear she did not want a child and had mental issues, so one could also quesiton her ability to cope with a chld, which is what you are all dealing with now.

 

[Desnik]

Please don't think that I am trying to take their baby away. He isn't trying to alienate his wife or just leave her and take her kid away. They have had these issues way before a baby was involved. She has said she didn't want to have a baby and she has recently said she can't take care of her.

What I will say is I give them credit for admitting they can't take care of their baby and they want and need someone to step in and do it.

 

[Laura]

Honestly, it's nothing against you at all. I'm just baffled why he can't be a single father and take his daughter away from her neglectful mother. Obviously his wife isn't mentally capable enough to take care of their kid, but what's his excuse?

 

[bubie2.5]

No, she has always been like this. She has mental issues, has been hospitalized in the past because of it. She is on medication for it.

So she has always been like that and still your brother pressured her into having a baby?
Poor child, it seems like both of her parents have serious problems.

 

[bubie2.5]

but what's his excuse?

He's an idiot.