Please, give this mom a Valium! (vent)

[roseprincess]

Sorry, I guess I feel a need to vent about a close friend.
My friend, who has a very low-functioning autistic dd(almost age 7), is just a spaz at times(friend).
My friend, who accidently called me this morning,(she was trying to get a hold of her brother), was so hyper this morning b/c her dd had vomitted one time today so far. She was trying to get a hold of her brother(who lives 5 min away) so she can buy some Pedialyte for her dd. I told her to wait a couple of hours, then try a little bit of fluids again on her dd. I also told my friend to try to give dd popsicles. My friend told me she has popsicles at home, but her
dd doesn't want popsicles.
Anyways, I have 2 special needs kids myself, so I know what she is somehat going thru.
The thing is, my friend seems to expect people catering to her all the time.
For example, my friend called me earlier this week to talk and told me her clothes dryer almost broke. She told me how she was so nervous, that she called her brother immediately and her FIL, who happened to be in her neighborhood at the time of her call. Anyways, she told me within 10 min. her FIL and brother came by her house to fix her dryer.
Another incidence was about a month ago, she had left a message on my answering machine that she needed help immediately b/c her tire had blown out, her car was already at the shop at the time of her call. She just needed someone to pick her up at home, hopefullly before her dd got out of summer school that day, to pick her up and drive her to the mechanic, which was only about 3 or 4 blocks away from her. I called her back later and told her I can drive her and her dd in the afternoon to hte mechanic to pick up the car. then she called me back to tell me another friend that lives about 20- 25 min away was going to get there earlier than me, so she didn't need my help. I told her ok.

I have known my friend for about 4 yrs. now. My friend does have MS and Fibromyalgia(sp). She can walk well, not wc bound at all,no need for a cane. She does get injections once a month for the MS. I have never known anyone that has MS and Fibro.that has always been so hyper all the time. She talks fast, too.

She also has a cleaning person that comes out once every other week to clean her house that her mom has hired for her.

I guess I just needed to vent b/c this is just driving me crazy with her neediness and her crying and her urgency for everything to be done for her.
She only has the one child. Her dh works about 45 min away, he gets home usually by 2pm or 3 pm everyday, esp. in the summer. I do feel bad for my friend's situation at times, her dd is low-functioning(doesn't talk, constantly runs around the house). Her dd is getting kelation(sp) done, so my friend contributes her dd's behavior to the kelation process(the running around,etc).

I guess I don't understand some people that want people at their beck and call all the time. I managed ok when my children were 4-5 months old at hte time, I had to tube feed my dd and put in an NG tube myself while I was still taking care of my twin son at the same time(this was about 8 yrs. ago).
I had to manage alot of things myself when my twins were sick,well, etc. My dh would help me in the evenings and weekends,otherwise I didin't get help from anyone else. My parents didn't help me much, they were and still are always working(their priority).
I just feel my dfriend could use a Valium sometimes b/c she is so hyper and dramatic. She needs to calm down..........

I have been trying to work on boundary issues with her, without her knowing.

Thanks for letting me vent. I really don't want any debates about this started, really, not my intention.

Rosemarie

 

[MommytoMJM]

I'm so sorry Rosemarie, I understand totally how you feel, I have had friends like that too. I find that all I can do is back away a bit and handle my own stuff.....it is a yucky situation all around.

 

[taximomfor4]

Count me in, having a friend like that. My dad refers to people like that as Emotional Vampires. They suck the positive emotions out of you, leaving you feeling drained.

This is NOT flaming....I really feel for you. Just a new way to look at this. It is possible that your "friend" is an overly dramatic person out to get attention. But keep in mind that many people are not as strong as you. TO do what you did, caring for twins with one needing such special care is a true test of strength. To keep positive during that sort of experience is a true test of character. She is not passing the tests as well as you did. Perhaps she is truly overwhelmed/depressed over her situation. NObody thinks their child will be less than typical (except those saints who adopt Special needs kids, fully informed). She sounds like someone who is possibly not gifted with the ability to handle her dd's challenges gracefully.

Definitely doesn't mean that you have to subject yourself to the emotional draining that comes with a friendship with her. Keep your own chin up, keep counting your blessings, and keep caring for your own...advise her where you feel it necessary, but you are not a bad person if you draw the line in that friendship.

Smile!

Beth

 

[btass]

I have a sister inlaw like that! She has MS, she found out about it when she moved out of her mother's house during college. She was immediately moved back to her mother's house and has been taken care of ever since. that was 16 years ago. 10 years ago when I met her she only occasionally used a cane but everything was done for her, cleaning, cooking everything.

So before I go into a long rant, I will sum this up by saying.....

People have made this women dependent on them!!!!! They forced the help on to her and now all she knows how to do is call for help. From what I heard that is not the way she was before she was diagnosed with MS, she was extremely independent. I think it is a shame that her family did this to her and that she did not fight it enough to be independent today.

I have told my DH this one before "If she was my sister, she would be told you do this stuff or it doesn't get done! (at the beginning) and then when she gets to points in the MS that she can't do for herself we will help her."


Edit: I forgot to add that I was brought up with the beleif that no one is going to help you unless you at first help yourself. That is in all aspects of life, not just if you are sick - from the "common cold" to a serious illness to learning how to type or use a vaccuum!

If anyone wants to flame me, go right ahead!!

 

[wide awake]

I can see both sides to this. First, I agree w/ the OP...nothing worse than the drama queens...but, chelation is supposed to cause some difficult behavioral changes...the friend's dd probably is even more difficult than usual. Probably not much you can do, it sounds as if your friend makes lots of hysterical calls and someone always rushes to her aid...the only way to stop the calls is to never, never, never be available for her "emergencies". That doesn't mean you can't help or support her, but it does mean that your help is confined to the times that you plan ahead...for example, "I can take you to your appt next Thursday if you need a ride".

 

[roseprincess]

Thanks for all of you that posted so far, I appreciate your wisdom and concern in your posts.
Beth, I think you nailed it on the head, that my friend likes to get attention. She is an attention-getter. She goes up to people that she doesn't even know and starts asking them bizarre questions. That is one of her interesting characteristics of her. A little bizarre, but that's what she likes to do.
I think she also has been having a difficult time coping with her dd's diagnosis and really not seeing much progression in her dd's talking,daily activities.etc.
Also,the chelation is probably driving my dfriend up the wall,since her dd is climbing more,etc. My dfriend and her dh knew the possible reactions, they were informed all this that her dd's behavior could get worse from the chelation. But my dfriend and her dh went ahead to have this done, anyways. My dfriend is always trying some new therapy for her dd. she had her in hippotherapy for 1 to 2 sessions only last summer. Had her dd in music therapy for a couple of months. My dfriend doesn't stay with these therapies long because they don't have the money and their insurance either covers 50% or less than that. Then my dfriend tells me she had her dd quit these certain therapies because it wasn't working on her dd fast enough. I guess that's why they have stuck with the chelation process. but, even tho her dd has been having this chelation almost a yr. now, there doesn't seem to be much progression, very little progression.

Like I said before, I do feel bad for my dfriend, going thru all this. I give her support and encouragement when I can. Like most of you posted, it does get a little draining to hear about her "drama" stuff all the time.
Also, since this past spring, my dfriend's mom has been in treatment for lymphoma. Her dmom cannot be my dfriend's solid rock anymore, at least for now. That's maybe why my dfriend keeps calling me for support,help, etc.
It looks like her mom took care of a lot of things for my dfriend, being there for her in need, etc. way before the lymphoma dx. Maybe my dfriend is overwhelmed and depressed with all this, I don't know.

I can only do what I can, pray for her and give encouragement. I do feel a lot better venting all this.

Won't be on the disboards much this weekend, my family and I are going out of town for the weekend.


Rosemarie