Please Comment on my Ancient Wedding Issue

[Scurvy]

I disagree---I"ve been to lots of "work showers" where I didn't expect to be invited to the wedding. I was a teacher and we had a shower for every teacher who got married. Nobody expected that the entire staff would be invited to the wedding, but they all should up for a little cake and good wishes at a shower.

Also, if someone has a destination wedding that not everyone will attend---they might still go to a shower to celebrate with the bride!

Work showers are different. Since the bride typically doesn't have any input into the guest list, and instead it's just open to all coworkers, it isn't considered to be the same as a "real" shower.

Destination weddings, though, fall under the same "rules" as other weddings. Technically no one should be invited to the shower unless they are also invited to the wedding. That doesn't mean they have to actually attend the wedding, if they aren't able to, but they do have to be invited.

 

[ksjayhawks]

Where I grew up it was common to have large showers to celebrate the bride and the majority of the guests were not invited to the wedding and did not expect to be. I guess it might be a regional thing.

 

[Handbag Lady]

Come on. You knew you mom wanted to throw the party to get back all the gifts she felt she was owed. You knew this would not end well and you let her throw it anyway. Deep down you feel bad that you took advantage of the people.

Nothing much you can do now, but expect to be invited to all types of bridal showers and to give a nice gift but not get invited to the wedding.

BTW a bridal shower is not a right but a nice event thrown for the bride to be. If your bridal party could not throw it and you knew what you mom would do then you should have just passed on a bridal shower.

When a bridal shower is thrown by the bridal party or in this case the mother of the bride all know what that means.

Getting a bridal shower invite = Getting a wedding invite

No, I did not know she was going to invite truckloads of people. I made it VERY clear to her who was invited to the wedding and who was not. If I even had the slightest inkling, I would NEVER have put myself in that situation. In hindsight, I should have declined the party. But, my mom would have made it a surprise one anyway (per my sister's insider information).

The only thing you did wrong was allowing your mother and sister to host the shower, since family members really are not supposed to host them. But I know that within some social circles it's considered okay for moms to host showers, so maybe no one cared about that part.

As for the guests who weren't invited to the wedding - yes, that's really tacky. It is absolutely not acceptable within the rules of etiquette for someone to be invited to a bridal shower and not the wedding (with the possible exception of something like a work shower). However, the person to blame for that is the host of the shower. I would think that the guests knew that you weren't hosting your own shower, so I really doubt that they held it against you. If they were offended, I'm sure they blamed your mom and sister, not you.

The only thing you could have done differently would have been to say "No" to the shower. But you obviously couldn't have controlled the guest list, so you shouldn't feel badly about that part at all.

See, that's what bugs me the most, I should have declined. That, and that I'm not sure everyone was thanked. I also agree that females invited to the shower also get invited to the wedding, but, it isn't a steadfast rule here. My mom claimed she never heard of that rule.

If I would have just let it be a surprise, I wonder if I'd feel less guilty. I felt railroaded as it was anyway.



On a bright note, I haven't been invited to many family things in the past nine years. I'm not a fan of going to weddings where I don't know anyone, anyway. When I said that I didn't know most of them, I meant it. I'm sure they are nice people, but I wouldn't be able to pick them out of a line-up.

 

[shortbun]

In my experience, the bride gives the shower invite list to the hostess. If your Mom invited people not invited to the wedding or used the shower to get her social responsibilities taken care of it's not about you. Let it go and enjoy your anniversary!!!

 

[happywanderer2]

I don't know, maybe I'm in the minority here, but I always thought a party was to celebrate something. I would have no problem being invited to a shower and not the wedding--both are parties are they not? Did your mom not have food and beverages and (I assume) prizes --if they did some of those cheesey shower games. And I gotta say I think women enjoy weddings more than guys do, so a party for just the women sounds ok to me. Anyway JMHO.