please close this thread

[musicotb]

Just a note:
I have edited and attempted to close this thread because my DBF has asked me to, in case it was searched by anyone we know. I apologize if this has inconvenienced anyone, but I do respect his wishes.
I very much appreciated all of the responses. Large portions of my original posts have been quoted in many replies, so you can use your imagination if you are just now reading this.
As for me & DBF? We have a lot of issues that we need to work out that stem WAY beyond household chores and weekend trips. I mainly posted here to ask for advice on whether it was fair for my boyfriend to ask that we take our two-year anniversary trip at his dad's house (who we see at least once every month or two, far more often than my own family). I have agreed, somewhat reluctantly, to spend the trip at his dad's. I also cleaned our whole apartment today without a complaint. And spent several hours at his mom's.
From requesting advice here, I have learned a few things:
1) ALWAYS realize that you can never tell the WHOLE story in a thread, so expect others to make false accusations. It's part of the package.
2) Good advice is not always what you want to hear
3) Don't try to close a thread, even if you have all the information you need, because others may want you to keep it open

So, thank you everyone. Good reading.

 

[musicotb]

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[Breezy_Carol]

Should I appreciate what I have and shut my mouth? Or what do I do? Please help!

I am quite a bit older than you and hold different opinions. For instance, I think that if you want to live together, you should be married.

But not considering that, you don't sound happy with the current arrangement. You are still young and sound like you are heading into a good career. Don't settle. You have the right to be happy and to your feelings. If the work arrangement doesn't suit you, you two need to be able to discuss it.

What I read sounds like a lot of differing ideas that need to be worked out either by communicating, which is hard, or going separate ways.

I don't know if this helps with a different viewpoint, but I tried.

 

[punkin]

No. you should not shut up. Not talking to him is NOT a good idea. You need to talk with him and listen to him (and he needs to listen to you). Tell him what is bothering you. If things do not get better...well you are better off knowing that now rather than later.

 

[shortbun]

Now you know what it will be like to be married to the man. You are lucky you've had the big picture without any of the legal entanglements. He sounds unhappy and uncaring. He's being unfair and taking advantage of you. He doesn't deserve your adoration. There's someone out there who will appreciate you. Don't settle for this life. It can be SO much better. If the bloom is off the rose (so to speak) after just two years...move on.

Appreciate what you "have?" What you have is someone who does nothing for you while you do everything for him. If he thinks his money replaces affection, attention, caring, loving, consideration, romance and on and on...he's the wrong man for you.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

A relationship is about waking up and saying...what can I do to make my partner happy today.
He works 40hrs., goes to school full time, and pay all the bills.
Right now it would make sense for YOU to clean the house.

You are turning housecleaning into something else. (cough-cough...alot of us do that in our 20's.... )

I am 41 now...been there, done that. So the wisdom I will impart to you is that housecleaning is part of the business end of a relationship.
If you really HATE IT or do not have time to do it...then you need to sit down and negotitiate with BF about your schedules, time you guys are home, really look at "time available" ON PAPER...treat it as a business part of the relationship.
Then write a schedule for yourself that way both of you are clear. FIND A WORKABLE SOLUTION!
Believe me....get rid of this argument...because it gets in the way of you two growing as a couple.

 

[momof3disneyholics]

Well, I'm closer to your age and think it's perfectly ok to live together before you get married. It kinda gives you a chance to "test drive" it before you "buy" it. You never really know someone anyway until you live with them and wake up next to them.
I think you should just sit him down and tell him how you feel. Personally, I feel like since he is the main bread winner it is perfectly acceptable that you should be the one that takes care of the household duties. He probably is really tired when he gets home and it doesn't help if you are on him, nagging him the second he walks in the door. Maybe try to just stand back and give him his time alone to unwind and then try to talk to him.
My DBF and I have such different lives but we always seem to make it work by communicating. Even if it is just calling each other 10 times a day on somedays it keeps the communication open between us. We also try to make a night every week where it is just us. It's kind of a date night for us. His family is always around, he still lives with them, but we incorporate them into our lives and relationship instead of trying to push them away, which it sounds like you might be doing. That might make your DBF resentful, esp. since he thinks so much of his dad. My DBF thinks the world of his dad too, so I always try to encourage him to spend time with him. I know that if I try to keep my DBF happy, the happiness and all the rest will come for us and our relationship too.
Sorry to sound so preachy, it's early, and I've already had too much caffeine.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay, it is hard to come to any real determinations based on just on post on a chat board. But, based on my own personal experience, here are my thoughts.

As you mention, it is the underlying issues that are bothering you. For example, you say you don't really mind taking on most of the household stuff, but it bothers you that he 'expects' it. I have to agree!!!! It is NOT the work, it is the expectaions. One person should never feel obligated to meet the others 'expectations'. If you feel you are being 'judged' on how well you are meeting these expectations. that is WRONG!!!!

A marriage/relationship is a living breathing unique situation where both people should work together. I DO see that as a big red flag. Again, this is based on my own personal experience!!!! My DH grew up in a household where his parents were really old-school, from the earlier generation. His mom waited on his Dad hand and foot like Ethel did Archie bunker, or the cleavers, etc...

That was just his 'reality'. That was just what he kind of expected. The man did not know how to run a load of laundry or boil water!!!! Needless to say, he eventually had a huge reality-check. When our son came along, I told him that "Don't know how to do it" was NOT a valid excuse any longer!!!

I really think that you need to take a really deep look at your BF's true expectations and emotional/psychological attitudes. Just what is your BF going to expect come the time that you finish school??????

Now, about the fact that he seems to be giving his parents some undue priority. HUGE red flag!!! I experienced this with my DH. This was a huge problem. when you wrote how your BF 'idolizes' his dad, I almost cringed!!! Not only was I relegated to being expected to fullfill DH's desires and expectations... (traditional wife/woman's role) but I was also expected to fulfull his parents expectations!!! In a real sense, I was LAST priority. I was a second class citizen in my own marriage.

If you have been together for two years, and are considering a future together. (marriage and children) Then NOW is the time for you BF to learn to respect you as an equal. NOW is the time for you BF to put YOU as his first priority, ahead of his parents. I see this as a real issue here. I am writing this to you as a strong warning.

You have clearly put your BF as your first priority. You have taken on all the fulfillment of al of his expectations. You have limited your social life and devoted yourself to him, as the two of you are a couple. etc...

Sometimes you can learn a lot by simply observing. I would not have a huge hash-out with your BF. Simply, at some calm and neutral time, let him know your boundaries and expectations. Simply decide what YOU can find acceptable, and let him know what you simply can not find acceptable. Remember, make it about YOU, not about him and what he may be doing wrong. This would get you nowhere, and most likely end up in an argument. Then, after you talk with him, sit back and observe. Let his ACTIONS speak louder than his words.

Bottom line, I think that the two you might possibly have very different ideals and expectations of a life together. I seriously wonder how things would go when you are out of school and become a major breadwinner. And, not depending on BF for the roof over your head. I am not so sure that you will be happy working a full time job, bringing in plenty of your own cash, and then being your GF's 'mother and maid' and cowtowing to his parents... Always having to 'share' him with his parents because he does not seem to be breaking away. This is situation where ALL of his needs and expectations are being met, but yours probably will not be.

Hope this helps!

PS: while I am in no way a PRUDE, I too agree that it is not the best situation to be living together long term. I see a lot of value in commitment and marriage. What about future children???

 

[simpilotswife]

Welcome to the world of grown-up long-term relationships where you actually have to clean the house, etc.

It sounds to me like you resent his relationships with his family...you were upset about his mom coming to dinner and now you don't want to stay with his dad because he pays too much attention to his dad.

That's a bit immature in my book and says alot about your need for his attention which seems to be a little extreme. If you don't get your feelings under control you will lose him...maybe not tomorrow but it will happen. At some point in the future he is going to feel like you are trying to suffocate him with your neediness.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

This almost could've been me posting this a year ago. I was living with a guy for a year in Cincinnati (he was stationed there in the Army). We were engaged for the last six months of living there. We had a great relationship in the beginning and I sacrificed my family and friends to move 11 hours away to be with him, but I didn't mind as I loved him and knew I would see my family and friends again. He also said in the beginning that I didn't have to pay for anything except my own bills as the Army was paying for everything (the apartment) and he made triple what I was at the time. So we moved in together October of 2004. At first we argued alot but I figured it was just adjusting to two people first living together. We started to work things out and everything was great! We never fought and we always had the best times on the weekend.

He was a recruiter and worked 10-12 hour days 6 days a week and I worked 50 hours a week. We didn't have alot of time together and alot of stuff never got done around our apartment. But I loved every second we got together. Around August 2005 he started saying things like "Do you think you can start paying for things like the utilities?". I knew this wasn't our original agreement but I didn't mind contributing and it wasn't alot. Then more requests to pay for things, like splitting the rent. I was a little put off as I knew what the Army was paying and it was more than our rent even was. I told him we'd talk about it after our December trip to Disney.

At the end of October he started hanging out more with the guys he works with after work and acted like I never did anything around our apartment. He would come home and say things like "Well, I guess it's my turn to clean the kitchen, again. Isn't it always my turn?" after I had done it the last three times. I guess the straw that broke the camel's back was when he was out after work again and I left him a message on his cell phone that I talk more to his voicemail than I ever did to him.

He came home and was furious. Yelling about how I lay around whenever I come home from work, I never clean anything, I don't contribute financially equally, I'm always pressuring him to move back to Virginia when our three years are up, that he's tired of "faking it" that he's sad he has to work so much when he comes home, etc. I was in shock as we hardly ever argued it was just like he had been holding in everything for a year. This whole time I was thinking we had a great relationship. He told me I could live there as long as I wanted until I could get my stuff out. I stayed two weeks (to give my two weeks at work) and it was the worst two weeks living with someone you wanted to kick. My parents came and helped me move out.

A month later I ran into one of my exes from years ago that I had always remained friends with. We started talking and the rest is history.

I know I will never live with someone again before I get married (personal choice) as I felt like I was just thrown out on the street when he wanted the relationship over. I am so much happier now than I've ever been. It's strange being with someone who loves me as much, if not more, than I love them. Don't settle and listen to the little voices telling you what to do. I didn't realize it until it was over I had little voices telling me what to do I just chose not to listen to them.

Good luck! My boyfriend's aunt and uncle have been married 18 years (we were at their house last weekend). They are the most in love couple I've ever seen. Always look at each other like they're seeing each other for the first time, they slow dance to love songs in their living room even if other people are around, they write sweet love letters to each other and frame them and put them up around their house, and they are the sweetest people to anyone they meet. Something to aspire to.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Excellent post Neverlandclub.


To Simplots Wife. I have to disagree!!!! Never did the OP complain about being an adult and having to do household duties. (Only her BF's expectations and judgements) She is working very hard to hold down a part time job and to go to school.

Also, about the OP being immature. Completely uncalled for!

I am a middle aged woman who is in NO way immature at all. I can tell you that no matter how old or mature you are, it is NOT unreasonable to want to spend some nice one-one time with your spouse or partner. It is NOT unreasonable to want your partner to see you as a priority. That is what a relationship/marriage is all about.

To the OP... I posted from personal experience. I too 'disappeared' whenever DH parents were around. If you are a couple, and are as one. your partner should never 'disappear'.

 

[NewJersey]

I'm very close to your age (22). I don't see a problem with living with someone before you're married; my sister is doing it now. They know they are going to get married, but they're not financially ready yet.

I think you both have to sit down and talk about everything. If you really want to be with him and know he makes you happiest, then you have to analyze what's going wrong and talk to him. You also have to meet him halfway, as he has to do the same.

 

[musicotb]

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[Wishing on a star]

"you didn't get the laundry done yet?"

You are not his employee and his 'MAID'.

If he truly makes statements like that, I would RUN.

I am dead seious... I would RUN.

OP: There are always those on chatboards who will look for any little thing to attack an OP and make negative assumptions that are not true.
I know from personal experience that your concerns are valid.
I will not post here again, but PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SEND ME A PM

 

[tiggersmom2]

Welcome to the world of grown-up long-term relationships where you actually have to clean the house, etc.

It sounds to me like you resent his relationships with his family...you were upset about his mom coming to dinner and now you don't want to stay with his dad because he pays too much attention to his dad.

That's a bit immature in my book and says alot about your need for his attention which seems to be a little extreme. If you don't get your feelings under control you will lose him...maybe not tomorrow but it will happen. At some point in the future he is going to feel like you are trying to suffocate him with your neediness.

BINGO! You hit the nail on the head! The only thing I could think when reading the OP was "needy, needy, needy".

 

[Christine]

To the OP: This is the stuff that, 10 years down the road, are going to make a marriage/committed relationship a living hell. I can speak from some experience--I've been married 23 years and have many of the same issues. I did not live with my DH before marriage and many of the things you are discovering now, took me much longer to see.

Regarding the housework: when I first got married my DH and I were very "equal" in this kind of stuff. He was very non-traditional and didn't think it was "woman's work." But we moved away and I could NOT get a job. So, since I was the one at home and he was working, I did all the cooking, cleaning, paying bills, and household management stuff. I did not mind. And, frankly, my DH was not very demanding in that regard so we didn't have some of the expectation issues you have. But, when I *did* get a job after several years of being the homemaker, he didn't really want to pull his weight. He got "ruined" and "spoiled" by me taking care of it all. To this day, I still feel like a do more and have in some ways become is "mother" and caretaker. I really hate that. This sounds like what is going on here. Your boyfriend was originally self-sufficient and independent. You've taken over the housework and stuff and he has reverted to a slob and a baby. You are becoming his "mommy." Bad thing.

Family relationships: My DH also has issues with putting his dad on a pedastal. It isn't such a big deal now, but back when I was first discovering it, it made me very angry. DH's parents are divorced and his dad did not do a good job during the divorce. He wasn't abusive to my husband, just not really there. But it didn't matter, my DH thought his dad was the greatest thing in the world and could do no wrong. Drove me nuts. This is your BF's issue of needing acceptance and love from a father that probably never gave it to him or gave it grudgingly. He's still trying to look good in his father's eyes and get the love that he never did. He will constantly put you last as long as this goes on. This is something he needs to work out (probably in therapy or after many years of getting stepped on).

My advice is that if you cannot resolve this little issues with you BF (they are all definitely warning signals of bigger things to come) you really need to move on despite your love and devotion to him. Believe me, these things will erode your feelings of love toward him. For a woman, it takes a few years and you're only into it 2 years. By the time 5 years goes by and you are REALLY invested, it will probably get to be a bit much and you'll wonder why you let this go on.

As for his feelings back toward you--he sees that he can take advantage of you and it is showing.

 

[musicotb]

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[simpilotswife]

Excellent post Neverlandclub.


To Simplots Wife. I have to disagree!!!! Never did the OP complain about being an adult and having to do household duties. (Only her BF's expectations and judgements) She is working very hard to hold down a part time job and to go to school.

Also, about the OP being immature. Completely uncalled for!

I am a middle aged woman who is in NO way immature at all. I can tell you that no matter how old or mature you are, it is NOT unreasonable to want to spend some nice one-one time with your spouse or partner. It is NOT unreasonable to want your partner to see you as a priority. That is what a relationship/marriage is all about.

To the OP... I posted from personal experience. I too 'disappeared' whenever DH parents were around. If you are a couple, and are as one. your partner should never 'disappear'.

I don't think the comment about being immature was uncalled for at all, I was actually being kind but hey...whatever. She asked for some advice, I gave it to her.

The OP is not going to school during the summer, she is babysitting 3 days a week, big difference. And according ot her post she wasn't working when she was in school, he was supporting her. It's not unreasonable of him to expect her to clean the house if he is supporting her, it's what many husbands expect of their SAH (and working) Wives and Moms. Welcome to the real world of relationships.

You see this poor put-upon child and I see a guy who is working his tail off and then he comes home to someone who is all about me me me. You are relating from a personal experience, I am looking objectively at her post and see something else. To each his own as they say.

As far as disappearing when his family is around, again that is her perception. For someone who is all me me me, any attention paid to others is a problem.

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

The only way you are going to resolve the issues is to lay them out for him - just as you have for us. He is not a mind reader and if you don't discuss the change in household chores with your changing schedule how is he going to know what you want. You also need to tell him why you don't want to stay at his dad - that you wanted time for just the two of you.

I've been married 19 years (as of the 1st) and most of the issues between DH and I over the years are the result of lack of communication.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Excellent post Christine!!!
You just took my post and my experience to a whole new level!!!
You are the one who has hit the nail on the head.

OP: listen to those who have been there done that...

Ignore those who only throw around negative judgmental accustations.