bumbershoot
DIS Legend
- Joined
- Mar 5, 2007
- Messages
- 69,750
I'm so sorry for your loss.
You say you don't have many people to talk to about this. Do you know others who have lost parents? If so, do you ever talk to them? If not, there are amazing books on grief that can really help. If only to help you not feel so alone.
After I lost my mom when she was only 55, I read those books. And even though I had very few friends who had gone through it (and at that time the only ones who had were kids or teens at the time of the loss, which is a whole other thing), I had some clients who had, and they gave me real-talk about it. So this is the real-talk.
The biggest thing for me, from what I was told and what was true, is that the feeling inside of the grief is always going to hit as hard as when it was new. But you'll get longer periods of time between those feelings. This made me feel good, believe it or not. Because I wasn't going to betray my mom by getting to some place where I wasn't sad. But it wasn't going to feel like that ALL the time. I would have time to breathe. And it's true. I have months and months of breathing room. And then something will smash into me and it's like that first phone call all over again. And then I'll have breathing room again.
But that means that there will be times in the future where it will hit. And it will have the same feeling.
My mom died 17 years ago. As the date approaches I can feel it, even when I don't think about it. Last year I consciously forgot the date and had to figure out why I was feeling that way. Anxious and sad and like I was approaching a precipice. This year I knew exactly what was going in. Every year has been different.
I went to Disneyland with her exactly one time. I never cruised with her. I went to the upstate NY timeshare she owned once. The point is, there wasn't much traveling in our shared lives. And our trip to Disney resulted in her having a migraine and having to retreat to the darkened hotel room the rest of the day. So it wasn't great.
But I can still burst into tears while on the Matterhorn, a ride she NEVER would have gone on, just thinking of the what ifs.
So you gotta know, now, that it's coming. Get ok with it now. Be ok with it if it happens.
Before my mom died I hated Disney movies. Why did they always start with a parent passing? In the year after my world shifted I realized that they are based on fairy tales, and those generally start the same way to create the hero's journey. Once that happens, your world shifts. It's your new story. Lion King with Mufasa is a totally different, rather boring, story. Cinderella with her mom around isn't quite the same tale.
Your daughter will still have fun *even if you cry*. Your daughter will likely cry herself and she will still have a good cruise. YOU will still have a nice cruise even if, nay, when, you cry.
You might want to make some shifts though.
I would strongly urge you to consider NOT seeing that show. I don't love all the wishes/dreams stuff myself, and it's possibly partially because I've gone on this journey now and know more of life. At wdw I generally avoid Wishes but when I watched it during the Dvc event last month I cried specifically because of the wishes that won't come true for me (not just my mom but some other stuff too). I don't cry for the beauty or any of that. It's SAD for me. That's why I try to avoid it.
Especially on this cruise, consider doing something else. On my first Disney cruise my aunt and I separated from the show-going family and sat drinking wine on her balcony, talking about my mom/her sister.
I hope you get the reprieve you want.
But I want you to be prepared to be ok with it if you don't.
It's ok to cry. This is a big loss. Crying isn't bad. Anyone who says it is bad hasn't experienced this loss. My friends who still have their parents have absolutely utterly NO clue. Some are more empathetic than others. Others are just jerks about it. I like their parents so I don't wish their time together away, but I don't talk about things with them either. No one can put a timeline on their own grief, let alone someone else's.
If you don't know all this, if you don't have anyone to talk to, then you don't know. And you can end up "shoulding" on yourself, trying to stop what's quite natural. If you think you shouldn't cry then you'll hurt yourself trying to not cry. You'll tie yourself into knots. You'll feel bad about being sad. And there's no good reason for that.
The only person I know who doesn't ever cry when thinking about the loss of his parents is in anti-anxiety medication for other reasons. His wife is on anti-depressants for other reasons. But they KNOW that their feelings are being blunted by those prescriptions, and since she's a counselor and he's been in counseling they know the value of crying over loss, and they are the kindest people to be around when sadness hits. Surround yourself with people who know what it's all about or who at least won't put a timeline on you.
And for this cruise, consider modifying the shows you watch. Or bring tissues.
I wish you the best as you walk along this new path through life.
You say you don't have many people to talk to about this. Do you know others who have lost parents? If so, do you ever talk to them? If not, there are amazing books on grief that can really help. If only to help you not feel so alone.
After I lost my mom when she was only 55, I read those books. And even though I had very few friends who had gone through it (and at that time the only ones who had were kids or teens at the time of the loss, which is a whole other thing), I had some clients who had, and they gave me real-talk about it. So this is the real-talk.
The biggest thing for me, from what I was told and what was true, is that the feeling inside of the grief is always going to hit as hard as when it was new. But you'll get longer periods of time between those feelings. This made me feel good, believe it or not. Because I wasn't going to betray my mom by getting to some place where I wasn't sad. But it wasn't going to feel like that ALL the time. I would have time to breathe. And it's true. I have months and months of breathing room. And then something will smash into me and it's like that first phone call all over again. And then I'll have breathing room again.
But that means that there will be times in the future where it will hit. And it will have the same feeling.
My mom died 17 years ago. As the date approaches I can feel it, even when I don't think about it. Last year I consciously forgot the date and had to figure out why I was feeling that way. Anxious and sad and like I was approaching a precipice. This year I knew exactly what was going in. Every year has been different.
I went to Disneyland with her exactly one time. I never cruised with her. I went to the upstate NY timeshare she owned once. The point is, there wasn't much traveling in our shared lives. And our trip to Disney resulted in her having a migraine and having to retreat to the darkened hotel room the rest of the day. So it wasn't great.
But I can still burst into tears while on the Matterhorn, a ride she NEVER would have gone on, just thinking of the what ifs.
So you gotta know, now, that it's coming. Get ok with it now. Be ok with it if it happens.
Before my mom died I hated Disney movies. Why did they always start with a parent passing? In the year after my world shifted I realized that they are based on fairy tales, and those generally start the same way to create the hero's journey. Once that happens, your world shifts. It's your new story. Lion King with Mufasa is a totally different, rather boring, story. Cinderella with her mom around isn't quite the same tale.
Your daughter will still have fun *even if you cry*. Your daughter will likely cry herself and she will still have a good cruise. YOU will still have a nice cruise even if, nay, when, you cry.
You might want to make some shifts though.
I would strongly urge you to consider NOT seeing that show. I don't love all the wishes/dreams stuff myself, and it's possibly partially because I've gone on this journey now and know more of life. At wdw I generally avoid Wishes but when I watched it during the Dvc event last month I cried specifically because of the wishes that won't come true for me (not just my mom but some other stuff too). I don't cry for the beauty or any of that. It's SAD for me. That's why I try to avoid it.
Especially on this cruise, consider doing something else. On my first Disney cruise my aunt and I separated from the show-going family and sat drinking wine on her balcony, talking about my mom/her sister.
I hope you get the reprieve you want.
But I want you to be prepared to be ok with it if you don't.
It's ok to cry. This is a big loss. Crying isn't bad. Anyone who says it is bad hasn't experienced this loss. My friends who still have their parents have absolutely utterly NO clue. Some are more empathetic than others. Others are just jerks about it. I like their parents so I don't wish their time together away, but I don't talk about things with them either. No one can put a timeline on their own grief, let alone someone else's.
If you don't know all this, if you don't have anyone to talk to, then you don't know. And you can end up "shoulding" on yourself, trying to stop what's quite natural. If you think you shouldn't cry then you'll hurt yourself trying to not cry. You'll tie yourself into knots. You'll feel bad about being sad. And there's no good reason for that.
The only person I know who doesn't ever cry when thinking about the loss of his parents is in anti-anxiety medication for other reasons. His wife is on anti-depressants for other reasons. But they KNOW that their feelings are being blunted by those prescriptions, and since she's a counselor and he's been in counseling they know the value of crying over loss, and they are the kindest people to be around when sadness hits. Surround yourself with people who know what it's all about or who at least won't put a timeline on you.
And for this cruise, consider modifying the shows you watch. Or bring tissues.
I wish you the best as you walk along this new path through life.
