Pirates do not cry, except in the case of the loss of a shipload of rum.
A pirate shall never wear lipstick, nail polish, or capri pants. Actually, that kinda goes without saying.
A pirate should always remove his hat in the presence of a bartender.
No pirate shall ever wear a "fanny pack".
A pirate may never compliment another pirate on the softness of his hands.
Pirate Law: Dousing oneself in beer is a perfectly acceptable replacement for a shower.
Three-cornered hats, headbands and bandanas are the only acceptable headwear for pirates. Fedoras, bowler derbies, baseball caps, top hats, sombreros, or anything with lace and flowers will be removed from the vessel, head included.
Pirate Law: "ARRRRRRRRRRR..." is a perfectly acceptable answer to any question.
Under no circumstances is a comb-over an acceptable pirate hairdo.
When drinking, Pirates may sing. "Fifteen Men on a Dead Man's Chest" is preferred. Kelly Clarkson songs are not allowed.
No pirate shall ever drive a minivan, unless he drives the minivan into a tavern, for the purposes of looting barrels of rum from said tavern. Upon completion of this task, the minivan is to be burned. No exceptions.
If circumstances demand a career change, a move into real estate brokerage or tax collection shall be considered a lateral move and said individual may keep their pirate status.
Lifting or removing one's eyepatch is extremely impolite but is not considered an insult. It's just kinda gross.
Pirates never use the words "fresh" or "feelings," and certainly not together (as in "I have that not-so-fresh feeling").
When swimming, pirates do not dive. They cannonball.
A pirate will never wear a patch that is any other color than black; unless it's halloween. then they can wear a patch with an eyeball painted on the outside. Polka dots are not permitted under any circumstances.
Female pirates are allowed some exception to rules concerning hygiene and garmentry, but must make up for it by using twice as much profanity.
Hooks are the only acceptable hand substitute. However, they may not have secondary attachments such as screwdrivers, bottle openers, corkscrews, or nail files. These are Pirates we're talking about, not Inspector Gadget.
No pirate will ever, ever raise his pinky when drinking any sort of beverage.
Pirate Law: When choosing clothing, even if it looks dirty, or smells dirty, it is clean.
When drinking rum, the only thing a pirate adds to the rum is more rum.
A Pirate does not read poetry, unless said poetry is scrawled on the wall of a bathroom.
A pirate may tell any tale of swashbuckling without being called on the details, as long as at least 51% of the story is true.
No pirate may do the arm movements for "YMCA", or engage in country-western line-dancing.
Pirates do not "IM". The only instant message allowed is a sword through the chest.
Dental Hygiene for Pirates is not a priority. Should there be occasion, however, strong rum or salt water can be used as mouthwash. Anything "minty fresh" is strictly forbidden.
Pirates never, ever obey laws. Period. Ironic, I realize.
And finally, How do you know if you are a pirate? You just "Arrrrrrrr"...
I like that one! Very cute!
