Personal Question for discussion

[mickeyforpresident]

Hi Guys,

Now I normally rush into things and never one to really think over things but I have a dilemma which I know the right answer to yet I really want to do the wrong thing (it's nothing bad), so would really like some perspectives on it. Now, i'm not one to post personal things, but i'm trying to "grow"!!!

Right - as many of you know, I'm a teacher. Over the summer, one of our teachers got married. I thought I was fairly close to this colleague (we got on well, texted regularly etc.) Now I wasn't invited to any part of the wedding. I assumed that she didn't invite many people from school just the couple of friends who are really close friends. This didn't bother me.

However, it seems that myself and a couple of other colleagues (all Senior members of staff) were the only ones not invited as it turned out that she invited most of the staff (including people I didn't even think she knew!!). Now, this has peeved me somewhat as I don't know why she didn't invite me.

Now I know that I should just leave it and not mention it at all. However, I really want to know what I have done to not be invited (it's bothering me because a lady who joined the school late in the last few months was invited as was one of the cleaners who I know this colleage dislikes!!) Should I just ask her what I have done?

I actually don't know what it's bothering me that much as I would have hated going to it anyway!!

Any opinions would be appreciated.

 

[buzz for boys]

Hi,

I guess the answer depends on what type of person you are - personally I would have to ask her why I wasnt invited !
It maybe that she decide to not invite senior members of staff so others could let their hair down ?? or maybe she didnt want to put you in position of having to go when she knew you probably wouldnt want to!

I couldnt not ask personally because it would eat away at me if there was something I had said or done or had I misread the friendship we had??

Could you carry on as normal without asking??

Louise x

 

[Ware Bears]

It's always horrid when you're excluded, even if it's something you wouldn't really have wanted to go to!

I noticed that the others who weren't invited were also senior members of staff. Do you think that could be why? Maybe the lady felt that as you're her superiors it wasn't appropriate to mix socially?

If it were me I don't think I would make a point of asking the lady if there's anything I'd done as this could make things awkward between you in the future but if I got the chance (for example if she brings in her photos to show round) then I would take the opportunity to make a jokey remark to the effect that the whole school seemed to be there and did my invitation get lost in the post?

 

[Pegasus928]

I would think that the fact you are in a senior position is the reason - nothing more, nothing less.
I have been to many a shift night out where the only people not invited were the supervisors (and that includes work mates who you would rather avoid on social occassions and only tolerate at work because you have to). Most of the time the person involved in organising the event would ask for opinions on whether to ask those of a higher position and almost all of the time the answer would be no. Not because they weren't liked - quite the opposite in some instances - but because you always tend to have the feeling that you can't properly 'let go' for fear that if you do something that is frowned upon on a night out it will come back to haunt you in the future.
I'm not saying that any of this is the right way to do things, just that it goes on.
As for whether you should ask or not - I personally wouldn't but only because I would assume the reason for not being invited is as I have put above. If you feel there is more to it and need to know then go ahead and ask the question. Just don't be surprised if you don't get an honest answer though - especially as you are one of her supervisors and she obviously won't want to upset you.

 

[natalielongstaff]

It's always horrid when you're excluded, even if it's something you wouldn't really have wanted to go to!

I could not agree more....personally i wouldnt bother to ask why, i would expect the other person to lie or make up a poor excuse as to why you were excluded and you would be no closer to finding out why

Sadly you just have to accept that this friendship wasnt as important to her as you assumed it was

 

[j9000]

More than likley its because you are a senior member of staff,
would you want your department heads / boss at your wedding?

either way it will still sting a bit

 

[joolz1910]

Aren't you the Headteacher? I think it sounds like she made a decision not to invite the senior team for the reasons other posters have given. It's not very nice, but it happens a lot. Our Head was really put out once when some colleagues went to the local chippy one evening after working late - and didn't think to invite him. It was hurtful but not malicious - unfortunately the higher up the hierarchy you are - the more likely it is to happen. FWIW, I wouldn't ask her why.

 

[irongirlof12]

I wouldn't ask either, but do enquire as to how the big day was and listen, she might have had a really dilemma as to who to invite as i don't know a bride and groom that hasn't.
I would be upset as wel but I think you just have to grin and bear it, unless the topic comes up naturally and you could casually ask.

 

[PoppyAnna]

I hate exclusivity it has recently happened to me amongst "friends" so I totally understand how you feel.
As it's in the workplace I wouldn't say anything, as others have said it's probably because you are more senior and she felt it may have made her peers who were attending feel awkward, but I feel she should have quietly explained this to you.

When it happened to me recently two or three couples were going out occasionally, sometimes with and without our children, myself and another woman were the closest (oldest) friends, another couple from school became close to the group, (very different from the rest of us - IYKWIM) she has few friends, I knew she never liked me from the start and she made a bit of a beeline for my friend and her husband equally for my friends husband. To cut a very long and hurtful story short they all got together to watch a local airshow a couple of months ago, the get together was instigated by my "friend" and we weren't invited. Thinking that I was on a certain "level" with my friend, in a totally jokey way I said "oh did we upset somebody" and she clearly felt awkward and gave reasons like her husband arranged it etc and it was only the couples (of boys) who went to football on a saturday morning which only meant it was us that was left out.
My "friend" became even more distant, and the last couple of weeks in the playground were awful but since the holidays I don't have to see them everyday I'm loving it I've lost a person who I thought was my friend, she is welcome to this other woman, she is a hurtful gossipy playground pitbull and has brought out a side in my "friend" that I never saw before. She would constantly boast on Facebook when she has been out with my "friend" (who isn't on Facebook) uploading pictures galore etc.
I feel saying something cleared things and helped me in a funny way, but I wouldn't have done that if we'd been in the workplace together.

My other friends in the group have noticed their treatment of me and a sort of breakaway has happened, one even told me that they have been told things about me that were very different to my side of the story. It's amazing how people are changed by constant flattery and attention.

I know your story is different to mine, and I know you are hurt, but in your case I don't think I would mention it.

 

[mickeyforpresident]

You guys - thank you so much for all these comments!

I was all for ringing her last night with a "why wasn't I invited, did I do something to upset you", but have decided that I will TRY (TRY!!) to not say anything and wait for a natural opening if one ever comes up.

I am the Headteacher, and I know that I should be above this, but this person means a lot to me (I gave her her first job, trained her, acted as a mentor etc.)

I hardly ever go out with the staff for the reason I don't want to compromise their down time by the boss being there, but this hurts for some reason (i've been excluded from social events before and it hasn;t bothered me at all!!)

Thanks, Guys.
Michael

 

[Muscateer]

My DH and I have talked about this before as he is the boss so which makes me the boss's wife. When new families have come to which ever country we are in I do my bit of showing them round and pointing them in right direction for schools, shops etc. I have always left my phone number for them to phone or text about any questions they have. More often than not you never hear from them again. We used to have nights at ours to welcome them with some other people invited then often find out later they have had gatherings and we have never been invited. Will have to think twice the next time someone new arrives.

 

[buzz for boys]

You guys - thank you so much for all these comments!

I was all for ringing her last night with a "why wasn't I invited, did I do something to upset you", but have decided that I will TRY (TRY!!) to not say anything and wait for a natural opening if one ever comes up.

I am the Headteacher, and I know that I should be above this, but this person means a lot to me (I gave her her first job, trained her, acted as a mentor etc.)

I hardly ever go out with the staff for the reason I don't want to compromise their down time by the boss being there, but this hurts for some reason (i've been excluded from social events before and it hasn;t bothered me at all!!)

Thanks, Guys.
Michael

I dont think because you are a head teacher you should not be upset - you are still a person !! It sounds like you put a lot of time and effort and emotion into this member of staff and I can understand why you would think of her as a friend.
Really do hope that you feel better aboutteh situation before term starts