People who totally monopolize conversations...

[PrincessKitty1]

...how do you deal with them??

I think I'm not very good at dealing with people like this. During any phone conversation with my brother, he will blather on for an hour and a half. Anytime I introduce a topic of conversation, it triggers something HE wants to talk about and I still don't get a word in edgewise. I have mentioned to him that any conversation with him involves him talking 90% of the time and me talking 10%, and he has said, "I know, I'm sorry. I know I'm self-centered" but it doesn't change his behavior.

I went on a day trip yesterday (8 hours) with a friend who basically monologed the entire trip. It was very similar to conversations with my brother--whenever I introduced a topic of conversation, she would respond with a perfunctory sentence or two, then off she would go talking about what SHE wanted to talk about (mostly stuff I've already heard literally 5 times about her health or her family).

My friend has a really good heart, and I hate to end a friendship over this, but I was so aggravated by the time I got home that I really don't want to spend any more time with her. I think that kind of behavior is incredibly rude and I find it hard to fathom that she (and my brother) don't recognize that.

My friend ALWAYS talks a lot, but she was in rare form yesterday. She is under a lot of stress but she is ALWAYS under a lot of stress, and I don't think that's a reason to behave that way--I think compulsive talking is a personality trait.

I think I need to change the way I react to people like this but I'm not sure what to do. Have you SUCCESSFULLY dealt with people like this, and if so, how? Obviously, I can limit the amount of time I spend with these people (hard for me because **I** worry about being rude), but I'm wondering if there is polite way to equalize these kinds of conversations.

 

[Vivianne]

I think you're already doing the right thing.

In my experience the only thing that can change is that person realizing what they are doing and modifying their own behavior. Half of the time they are probably talking to themselves, some form of self-validation.

 

[NewJersey]

Oh I know how you feel. I had my heart broken last weekend and am reeling from that and what does my self-absorbed friend says "At least you have a good job. Me? I have nothing blah blah blah... etc etc" I've been cutting him out for a while and I realized after this past week, who my real friends are and who aren't.

I think that if you don't say anything one day you're just going to burst and probably yell or say something that you don't mean. It happens if you bottle things inside...you just blow up one day! As hard as it is perhaps next time it happens, say 'listen..I know you are going through alot and I am always there for you..but right now I need you." It might send her back a bit but if she's a real friend she will realize that you are the one in need and she should put her concerns for herself on the back burner for a bit..like i'm sure you do for her.

 

[ckret01]

We may have the same friend . I never mind listening to my friends talk or vent to me about their lives but when I tell you I never et a word in edgewise it is ridiculous and like you, I am starting to not want to talk to her as much. She will literally call me and the only thing i will get out of my mouth is hi, then she just starts talking about herself or problems or what she did for the day and all you hear is me saying " uh humm, yep, uh huh" thats about it.

One day she called and said how is it going at the beginning of our conversation and I went to say I had a really bad day at work (which I did and actually just wanted to vent to someone) and just after I said that she was like " oh...I had to take my kids to hear, and I had to do this and blah blah blah" ......It was such a turn off that I always lisetn to her and the ONE time I actually wanted to talk she didn;t listen. AGHHHHH

 

[Blondie]

I've been voted the person to tell a co-worker that she needs to stop talking and let others interject their thoughts into our conversations!

I don't think she has any idea that she is doing this, but it's getting old and it has to stop.

Here's an example; we'll be talking about something, there will be a pause long enough for me to give my advice or thoughts and then she just talks right over me (or whom ever she is talking to.) At one point last week I had to say "did you just here what I said?" because she continued to talk right over me! It's become a one sided conversation with her. Like I said, I don't think she has any idea that she is doing this.

 

[Saphire]

I have finally gotten old enough that I don't tolerate it anymore when people talk non-stop, only about themselves. I will usually just leave, or tell the person on the phone I have things to do and must go. If it is family, that is different. I try to avoid situations where I will get 'stuck' with them. Try e-mail with your brother if you can, and avoid the phone. The phone is a haven for those who love to chat. So is the car...that trip sounded painful, PrincessKitty! At a gathering, you have the opportunity to excuse yourself, which I will do after listening for a fair amount of time. When I was younger, I felt it was rude to do that, but not anymore. People who talk a lot gravitate towards those who will listen, and that is fine but I just put limits on it now. So I guess my answer is I have never been successful in changing someone else, just in how I react to them. I would love to hear others ideas, though.

 

[Stitchfans]

That is my future SIL- lets talk about me. If the subject isn't about him he doesn't contribute to the conversation but does his best to take over the conversation to have it all about him again. Just one of his non endearing qualities.

 

[Luv'sTink]

Yep! If I say to DH "L called today" he always says "You mean you listen to L today?" He said either neither of us ever speak or I never talk during our phone conversations I always just listen! She just always has so many problems going on......I wish I had her money problems!

 

[luvsmickeymouse]

This happens to me all the time as well. It has gotten so bad for me that I have stopped telling people things, I know that this isn't the way to handle it, but I can't get a word in edgewise, so I write in my journal. My own mother does this to me, we don't have a good relationship anyway. I am too nice, people tell me that all the time. I was talking to my mother the other night on the phone, just regular stuff, and in the middle of what I was saying, she said, well I am going to get going now. Now that is just plain rude.

I like the advise that people have given so far, maybe I will try some of it.

 

[MyGoofy26]

Sounds like my grandma. . . she'll say, "Oh that reminds me of this time. . " and then continue on with a story that has nothing to do with what you're talking about. We don't even try with her anymore, LOL.

We stole a quote from an old episode of Roseanne when we hear her talking to someone on the phone. . can't remember exactly, but something along the lines of, "do you ever use the top part?"

 

[pearlieq]

My brother is like this. I think it's because he's lonely, but I still find myself avoiding his call sometimes. There are days where I just can't pretend to be impressed by a 45-minute monologue!

 

[Chattyaholic]

I'm kind of a quiet person by nature. I don't feel the need to be talking, or engaged in a conversation, all the time.

I do know people who talk constantly and anytime I am with them I basically just listen, smile and nod most of the time.

Then, when I'm by myself again I breathe a huge sigh of relief and enjoy the peace and quiet!!

 

[Donald - my hero]

Couldn't resist jumping in here!

I always wanna say to my sis when she calls " what do you want?" She goes on & on & on. I always make sure I am at 'puter so I can play solitaire

Best time though? We were out as a family and everyone was trying to catch up. She bellowed across the table "SHUT UP I"M TALKING"

 

[TheGoofster]

I would tell you what to do, but for some reason I can't seem to get a word in edgewise.

No, seriously though, this does happen to my wife alot with one of her best friends (no it's not me). I think, like has already been mentioned that the person doing this, more often than not, doesn't even realize it. My wife finally had to confront her friend abou it, and she seemed honestly surprised that she was doing it, and said she would work hard not to keep doing it. You might try that, be nice, but let your friend know what they are doing. Ask her to wait at least 5 seconds before making a comment, to think about what you just said.
I know that even I will sometimes hear something and have a comment ready to go first chance I get, and not listen to what else is being said. I try to stop myself from doing it, but it does happen. I imagine a person who does it all the time just doesn't know they are doing it.
Be nice, but let your friend know. Think of it this way, you will be helping them in the long run, I'm sure other people think the same thing about them.

 

[XOoOoVEEoOoOX]

I have this problem also, with alot of people, and as a result I just dont talk as much as I used to, I am much more introverted and have resorted to keeping a diary in order to "vent". I have one friend in particular, who I had lost contact with for a few years, we recently reconnected and she has even told me how much I have changed, Im not as talkative or outgoing as I used to be. People used to only like to hear me talk, if I was talking about THEM or THEIR situation, giving them advice or consoling them, of course they would constantly ASK for advice and never followed it, so I stopped giving it. Especially since whenever I needed advice or someone to listen to me I was always trumped. Something WORSE always happened to the person I was talking to. ( I could say I had been sick for a week with the flu, and they would say "Oh I know Ive been sick for a month with the flu and the runs, and this and that and...blahblahblah)

 

[Octoberbeauty]

My mil is like this, especially on the phone and if you even try to break into the conversation, she just talks LOUDER! It's so aggravating, but I don't know what to do about it. She's Extremely sensitive, so you can't say anything without Completely hurting her feelings and making her mad.

 

[KimR]

My MIL is like this and I've totally given up on trying to carry on a 2-way conversation with her. Even if it's something you'd think she'd be interested in, such as something cute on of the kids did she interrupts me before I can even get the first sentence out. I don't even try anymore. I just tune her out and nod every once in a while. The sad thing is she talks and talks non-stop yet says absolutely nothing of substance. My BIL calls it 'diarrhea of the mouth'.

I've found that when I really do need to tell her something of importance I have to preface it with a little speech something to the effect of 'I need to tell you something and you have to listen to me. Please do not interrupt me. I will tell you when I am finished and it's your turn to talk'. Yes, I really say this and it does work.

 

[PrincessKitty1]

I think that if you don't say anything one day you're just going to burst and probably yell or say something that you don't mean. It happens if you bottle things inside...you just blow up one day!

This is very true! I know I will not continue to be quiet about this behavior. I also know that hints (changing the subject, etc.) will not work, as past experience with compulsive talkers has taught me this.

I actually think nothing will work, ALSO based on past experiences with compulsive talkers. Geesh, I came right out and told my brother (admittedly after years of listening to him blather ) and it didn't do any good.

I have another (former) friend who I spoke with about this a few times and he would say, "Well, let me know if it happens again!" and it happened 100% OF THE TIME. I finally stopped speaking to him after I tried to talk to him when my dad had been diagnosed with Alzheimers and he cut me off and talked for 4 hours (FOUR HOURS!) straight.

I am thinking that nothing works (ya'll are confiming this for me ) and that I just need to distance myself.

 

[Knight]

Enough about you, let's talk about ME.

 

[Queen Quinnella]

We have a some friends of ours that no matter what we are talking about they start sharing stories about themselves with each other. They just "remember this blah blah, remember that blah blah" It's like they only want to talk to each other. You might as well not even be in the room.