People looking at me differently... (vent)

[N&B'smom]

I posted last week that I just found out that a biopsy that was done regarding me came back as cancer. The treatment is a radical hysterectomy. I'm sure you all remember. Well, I'm doing just fine. BUT the one thing that is driving me crazy is the way people that know are looking at me. They get this puppy-dog like face and look at me like they feel sorry for me, like I'm some pathetic little creature. When really I'm totally feisty and can handle anything. It's driving me INSANE!!!

We were at a party yesterday and a woman we know came in saying hello and hi to everyone. Then she saw me and she said Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, like she was singing it in this sad voice. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

I'm glad everyone cares but it makes me feel badly when treated like that. Just had to vent. Thanks to anyone who bothered to read this whole whiney post.

Shelby

 

[Divamomto3]

I totally know how you feel. I felt the same way last year when I had a bad knee injury and surgery. And about 6 years ago, my healthy, young husband, hung upside down on our roof for over an hour to hang Christmas lights and when he got down he was in this irregular heart rhythm. (Afib) He went to the ER, stayed overnight, ended up converting back to a normal rhythm on his own and it has never happened again. Needless to say, our good friends and neighbors, who are 10 years older than us, started treating him like he was some cardiac cripple waiting for the Jesus Bus. I know they were concerned but they kept saying stuff like they'd be over to mow our lawn, "Oh should you be doing that", etc etc etc. until I wanted to scream. But I digress....LOL

Get well soon. You sound like you have an excellent outlook on things. Best wishes and pixie dust to you.

 

[shortbun]

I'm afraid I did the same thing to an old friend last night. It's a reaction that has to be fought hard. Sorry it's so irrritating. I think it's just human nature to emote something when you know someone has been sick or had surgery. It's about caring. Please try to get peaceful and eventually after you've seen everyone for the 1st time, it will wear off. Glad you're feisty!!! lol! Tell them to wipe that look off their mugs and buy you a present. You COULD make this work for ya, ya know!

 

[Evil Genius]

People don't know what to say, and they are afraid to say the wrong thing. Remind them that no matter what happens that you are still you.

 

[N&B'smom]

Thank you for understanding. Sheesh, I'm not a wounded bird or something. I've actually told people to knock it off and they started cracking up!

Shelby

 

[Pea-n-Me]

From experience, it could be worse. Some avoid you altogether because they don't know what say, or are uncomfortable with the whole concept to begin with. People will surprise you. Some of the people you know well will be there for you and others will not; OTOH, some of the people you don't know well will be there for you, which to me, was amazing. These are people who have either been there themselves or have had a family member live through the experience and understand how hard it is.

You don't realize it at the beginning, but having cancer really is a life altering experience in many ways. It changes how you view life, but also, in looking back, it changes your view of some people, too. There were some people who there there for me that I never expected to be. I have so much gratitude toward these people, now it makes me want to "give back" when I see things I can help with in many aspects of life.

I have many "new" friends since my cancer experience. I joined a support center while I was in treatment and that was helpful not so much for talking to people, but one of the "classes" they offered was meditation and journaling, and doing that helped me work out my feelings in my head, since the really deep, scary feelings you get are kind of hard for people close to you to hear. People will tell you to be positive and strong, which of course is good, but as I learned at my support center, being positive and strong all the time is sometimes a burden to you, since you really need to fully explore ALL of your feelings when you have cancer, it's part of the healing process. (Some people are able to shut them off, but most need to work them out, experience them, etc).

Anyway, hold your head up high, sista. You have joined the ranks of many, many people out there who have had cancer and are now surviving and enjoying there lives possibly more fully than they did before. Please come over to say hello on the BC Survivor's thread. We talk about stuff like this all the time.

 

[Bbgrizzle]

I know I'm guilty of the same thing. Like a previous poster said, we just don't know how to act! But everyone still loves you, Shelby!

 

[worm761]

people honestly just don't know how to react. when i had cancer i told very few people. i had a surgery, which everyone knew, but most didn't know why. the reason i did it that way was because everyone who knew gave me that "oh my god you're gonna die" look. and i hated it.

 

[4nana]

Shelby, sorry if any of us make you feel that way.

I am very quilty of having a soft shoulder for anyone who feels the need, just the type of being I am . Think about it, we are not professionals in knowing exactally how to act or what to say when our friends are ill, depressed, having problems, etc. I feel sorry for and worry over any of my good friends who have serious illnesses and have lost 3 the past year.

Not all people are as fiesty and strong spirited as you or I might be . My dear Dad suffered w/cancer for 15 yrs and was as strong as they come!! However, many actually feel better bringing their health situation out in the open feeling the need and desire compassion.

I'm blessed, my daughters are the type, if I feel bad for more than a day, they are here with homemade soup,etc. . I joke with them, if I ever learn I've got something seriously wrong health wise, I am not going to tell them, as they would smother me to death.

 

[paigevz]

Sorry, Shelby. I've not had cancer, but a few surgeries, and I can't stand that either. Also, dh is chronically ill and we get everything from that, to avoidance, to this weird attitude that's sort of like "Well, you know he's been ill for some time, why does it still bother you?"

I tend to keep most things to myself since his illness because of all these reactions we've encountered.

 

[TDC Nala]

Personally I don't even mention these things. I never know whether someone will get mad at me for showing too much sympathy, or get mad at me for not showing enough. I guess I will stick with "how you doin'?"

 

[AmazingGrace]

When Benji was diagnosed, his teachewrs and the school was great, but you could tell by the way they treated him, or would get all teary, that they thought he was going to die and soon. There just isn't a memo or manual handed out on how to deal with stuff like that. Some people get it, some people don't. I've learned that when the action is coming from a good place, I just need to forgive and appreicate the intention. It's really hard sometimes though, isn't it?

 

[N&B'smom]

Shelby, sorry if any of us make you feel that way.

I am very quilty of having a soft shoulder for anyone who feels the need, just the type of being I am . Think about it, we are not professionals in knowing exactally how to act or what to say when our friends are ill, depressed, having problems, etc. I feel sorry for and worry over any of my good friends who have serious illnesses and have lost 3 the past year.

Not all people are as fiesty and strong spirited as you or I might be . My dear Dad suffered w/cancer for 15 yrs and was as strong as they come!! However, many actually feel better bringing their health situation out in the open feeling the need and desire compassion.

I'm blessed, my daughters are the type, if I feel bad for more than a day, they are here with homemade soup,etc. . I joke with them, if I ever learn I've got something seriously wrong health wise, I am not going to tell them, as they would smother me to death.

No one here has made me feel this way. Just people I'm coming in contact with face to face. I don't get annoyed with them or anything, just wish they wouldn't look at me like I'm a goner. Gosh, I'm starting to worry more about them than myself because they look like they're having a tough time.

Thanks to you all for understanding.

Shelby

 

[Honu]

I know. I have a couple chronic/auto-immune diseases and have had them for 20+ years. I often avoid telling people because of they way they interact with me after they know.

It's difficult for some to show concern and support with health problems without getting emotional. I think most of us have been touched by cancer or other serious health issues within our families or friends. When another person we know is diagnosed, it brings our own old feelings to the surface. We don't want the person to go through the tough times we may have experienced before. I know it often comes through as pity, but it really is concern.

 

[lbgraves]

I know that MIL talks to me about how people treat her like they are going to catch cancer if she touches them. She needs the support of her friends but most of them don't even contact her. Some figure that it has been five years so she must be OK since she hasn't died. Someone actually told her this to her face.

to you!

 

[Swimnoid]

No one here has made me feel this way. Just people I'm coming in contact with face to face. I don't get annoyed with them or anything, just wish they wouldn't look at me like I'm a goner. Gosh, I'm starting to worry more about them than myself because they look like they're having a tough time.

Thanks to you all for understanding.

Shelby

When it was discovered that I have a very rare cancer my PRIMARY CARE physician was giving me the goner look! She didnt know enough about it and I had to tell her to chill out, I wasn't going anywhere just yet.

Good luck with your treatments!

 

[PaulaSue]

I am sure they are like me with no clue what to say. At least they are not avoiding you like it is catchy.