Parents, why do you give your children a choice when it's really not a choice at all?

[coolshannie]

Okay here is one example. I go to a state college and I live at home. I really love the campus and I have some friends who also stayed in state but for the most part I've felt like I wasn't involved in anything anymore that is until I joined a sorority which both of my parents encouraged me to do. I love it; It's exactly what I needed to get involved in school, the community, and meet a lot of girls who have the same or very different interests and backgrounds. Anyways, many of my sorority sisters were going to go see a movie premiere tonight at midnight. I told my parents I was going and they said that was great. My mom asked where it was at and I told her and she immediately told me she didn't think I should go because I have never been in that area before and I would be driving there at 11 pm and driving home at 2:30 am. She tells me "I don't think you should go, but you can do whatever you want." My dad on the other hand said I should go and doesn't see why my mom is discouraging me from going, and I should go and have a great time. My dad said I can't live for my mom's happiness I need to live for myself. Well thats all good and dandy until he's the one giving me that same "non-choice" for something else. I am 19, I realize I live under their house and their rules, but I don't believe I was asking to do something unreasonable at all. I wanted to go out and see a movie. I wasn't asking to go out and get drunk or do drugs. I think what bothers me the most is that if she doesn't trust me to be able to find my way to a movie theatre then what on earth does she trust me to do? I realize this is just one thing out of so many with my sorority sisters, but I have the feeling that this wont be the only non-choice I'm given either. I'm not the only one who is given this "non-choice" all of the time either, several of my friends who have chosen to stay at home go through this too. And at the same time our friends who went away to school can call their parents as a courtesy and let them know what they are doing and come and go as they please. I don't stay out all hours of the night and neither do any of my friends, none of us are horrible children that need to be given limits because we deserve not to be trusted, so why then as parents do you give us the "non-choice"? Do you still give that "non-choice" to your over the age of 18 responsible child? Or if you don't give your children a non-choice, why is that?

 

[disykat]

I'm pretty sure I'll be trying to weigh in as long as my kids are living at home. Parents worry. It just is. It sounds like your parents are trying to make things your choice, but it's hard for them not to worry.

For something like that, could you sleep over with a friend who lives on her own or in the house and just keep your parents out of that loop all together?They can get a good night's sleep and you can have your evening.

I'm 47 and if I'm visiting my parents they can't sleep until we're all home and accounted for. They don't worry about where I am when I'm in a different state though. It's just the way it is!

 

[NMAmy]

I'm 47 and if I'm visiting my parents they can't sleep until we're all home and accounted for. They don't worry about where I am when I'm in a different state though. It's just the way it is!

I'm the same way with dd. When she's away at school, I have no idea what her schedule is. When she's home on break, I can't sleep until she's home. However, that's my issue, not hers and although she always tells me where she's going and when she's expecting to be home, I try not to weigh in that I wish she wouldn't stay out so late because it interferes with my sleep schedule.

I agree with disykat that it might be a good idea to stay at a friend's house when you're planning a late night. On nights when I have to be up early for work the next morning, dd does this because she knows about my weird issue.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You were given a choice. It is up to you to "go". There is no such thing as "non choice". There is "yes" and there is "no".

In the movie situation your parents are worried about you doing new things. It is up to you to reassure them that you are going to be fine. I should know my dd is almost 19 as well.

Now if you are saying that your parents are "sabotaging" you because of their worry, then that is maturity on your part (aka the non choice). At some point with your parents, you will weigh what they say and then give them a hug and tell them you are going to be fine.

That is how you grow up.

 

[agnes!]

OP, your mom gave her opinion, she didn't forbid you to go - she's a mom, she'll worry, it's part of the job description. However, *if* she is all the time weighing in with some negativity on every. single. thing. you try to do then that is different.

If you dislike living at home so much and feel like you're getting smothered, then maybe you should get an apartment. Perhaps you could share a place with a sorority sister or two?

agnes!

 

[abdmom]

IMO, your mom was just giving her opinion. It's up to you to make the decision. At 2:30 a.m., you'll likely be tired, it will be very dark and more difficult to navigate your way home. There will be more people out and about who may be drunk or are up to no good as you're walking to your car. As other posters said, she's your mom, so she worries. She's given you her opinion, but it's up to you to make the decision. When will she stop doing this? Never. She'll still be giving you her opinion as long as she lives.

 

[Kies99]

As long as you are living at home you're going to get this. It's something you'll just have to shrug off and deal with.

I'm not judging or anything, just stating a fact.

They are parents (as am I). You'll always be their little girl no matter how old you are.

 

[Acklander]

Parents are always going to give opinions - I'm almost 50 and I still get opinions from my mom. But your the one making the choice. Part of growing up is understanding the difference between hearing an opinion from a parent and being told what to do by a parent. If you're still being told what to do by your parents - and by that I mean in your everyday decisions, not the "don't come in late as it disrupts the household" type decisions - then you might want to consider getting your own place or swapping to an out of state school.

 

[-Hope-]

I do understand the feeling of non-choice. I'm 34 and my mom still knows how to lay on the guilt to try to influence my decisions. However I learned a long time ago that she does that because of her issues and I do get to decide how I respond to her. It's tough at your age because what you still really want your parents to approve of all of your decisions and it's hard to deal with the feeling of disapproval from someone as important as your parents. But your dad is right- you have to live for YOUR happiness, not theirs. When they weigh in with an opinion try to listen and hear what they are saying, decide if you agree or not and then make your own choice. Take it from a former people-pleaser, it gets easier.

 

[MushyMushy]

Sounds like you're just being way too sensitive. She told you what she was thinking/feeling, and you took it as an order. I lived under a controlling, domineering mother for years, and believe me, she never would have just expressed her opinion like that. She would have told me flat out that I couldn't do whatever it was I was thinking of doing.

 

[RadioNate]

You had a choice. You absolutely had a choice. You chose not to go. You could have went. Would that have upset and worried your mother? Maybe. However, you could have went and then dealt with the consequences of upsetting her.

Life is full of choices that may have unpleasant consequences. Your choices may upset or worry your mother. That doesn't mean she isn't giving you a choice. She gave you her opinion. Unless she chained you up in the basement, it was then up to you to make the decision.

Parents, especially mothers, worry. It is what we do. It isn't that your mother doesn't trust you. You mother knows that bad things can happen to smart, levelheaded, trustworthy girls through no fault of their own. So she worries.

You made the choice to live at home while in college, now you deal with the consequence of having a worrying mother.

 

[mjkacmom]

Once I turned 18, my very strict parents backed off. I went from not being allowed out on school nights except for school activities at 17, to total freedom. They knew I was going away to college (that was their only option), and I think they wanted me to make decisions for myself when they could still be there.

The only courtesy I plan on asking my adult children to do, if they are at home, is to let me know when they expect to be home.

 

[Christine]

I have a daughter who is 18 and away at college right now. I don't know what she does. She is in a very small college town and they walk everywhere. Everything is close and there's always a lot of people out. The whole town revolves around this school.

When she comes home for break it is a different story. While she is here, she must drive one of our cars to do things. The things she does are often not close to our home (we live in a large metropolitan area and her friends are all over). We have a movie theater about a 10 minute drive from our house. I would have absolutely no problem with her going to a midnight showing there because it is so close to home. I often believe the weirdos are out after midnight as evidenced by many young woman falling victim to psychos at night. Oh, I could tell you some stories...but I digress.

The problem comes when my daughter wants to do the midnight showing with her friends that live 30 miles away AND she wants to drive home. I have a problem with her being out at 2:30 in the morning driving on fairly deserted roads that are dark, full of deer, etc. If something were to happen like her hitting a deer or the car breaking down it would take us awhile to get to her. That makes me nervous. When I was in high school (back in the late 70s/early 80s), a local girl was coming home from a club and her car broke down about 15 miles from her home. It was a dark, deserted country road. No phones then either. A car came along to "help" her and she ended up getting raped and murdered by these "helpers" who had no history of doing this but were jacked up on PCP. This is the kind of stuff I worry about.

Maybe your parents do too.

 

[sunnyday123]

As long as you are living at home you're going to get this. It's something you'll just have to shrug off and deal with.

I'm not judging or anything, just stating a fact.

They are parents (as am I). You'll always be their little girl no matter how old you are.

This. Sorry sweetie, she's just worried about you. You are her baby no matter how old, and the thought of you going somewhere unfamiliar, late at night by yourself is making grey hairs pop out as we type.


By the way, I'm *cough40cough* and my Mom still calls and asks what my plans are for the weekend, not to drink and drive, and if I don't answer will leave messages like this: "WHERE ARE YOU?? WHY ARE YOU NOT ANSWERING YOUR PHONE? CALL ME!!!!!!"

Parents worry, it's what we do. Maybe if you sit down with them and reassure her you aren't jumping into cars with strangers and downing a gallon of vodka then driving, she'll ease up, but it comes down to this:

Their house, their rules.

 

[ilovejack02]

Funny story..

I am 36 married for 15 years out of the house for about 17 years. Good relationship with parents etc.

Several months ago it was my best friend's 40th birthday and friends were going out to eat and then dancing after downtown . Very safe area, an area I know well.

Asked my mother to watch DS7 since my husband was working nights. Told her my plans and she promptly told me she would NOT babysit. She did not think I needed to be downtown late and driving home alone etc.
If my husband would have been going she would have been fine with it.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME .. I am 36 lol!!??

Just laughed at her and told her you know I am still going, I will just pay a babysitter and I did .

Point is .. Moms worry. It is our job and our entire lives are wrapped up with worrying about our babies , no matter the age and trying to keep them safe. It includes irrational thinking sometimes ; ).

Let it slide and know she does this out of love.

She does have a point, no it is not the safest idea in the world .

Back to the whole non choice question, at 19 this is a hard age for parents I think. Just a year or so ago, we had more control, we were able to still ground you lol , rules etc.

At 19 we know we have to start letting go, young adult is pulling away and parents pulling to reign you back in.

This is not a new issue and as you get older and they get used to it will most likely not be as big of a problem.

My oldest is stepson is 21 and I can remember the days , of telling him yes you can do something because we know we can't stop him, but reminding him constantly that we really didnt think it was a good idea, hoping that he would change his mind.

With age is wisdom ( we hope LOL)and most of us are been there done that folks and we want to save our kids from the stupid stuff we did .

As Radionote said though , you really did have a choice, you choose not to go.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

You both need to allow your relationship to take the next step. Yes, you still live in their house, so they make the rules. You have to decide if those rules are too restrictive. If they are, talk to them about it. If they won't bend, you should probably plan on moving out because they don't trust you. If they do bend, make sure that you don't take advantage of that trust.

If they are using guilt to manipulate you, call them on it. They really need to learn that, while it is okay to worry, it is not okay to shift that worry onto someone else. You are only young once. You don't need or want to start thinking like your parents. You have your own worries to carry around.

In short, time to grow up - parents and daughter.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

Move out. No really, it's worth the extra work you'll have to put in or the loans you'd have to incur. You're an adult, prove it.

Alternatively, just stop asking them/telling them. What they don't know doesn't worry them.

 

[MrsPete]

My mom asked where it was at and I told her and she immediately told me she didn't think I should go because I have never been in that area before and I would be driving there at 11 pm and driving home at 2:30 am. She tells me "I don't think you should go, but you can do whatever you want."

That sounds like a choice to me. She's doesn't love the idea of you going, but she's leaving it up to you.

She does have a valid concern -- strange area, late night. She's concerned about SAFETY. Perhaps you could ease her fears by saying that you'll drive down there during the day so you'll be familiar with the roads. And tell her that you'll carpool with friends so that you won't be alone.

 

[MrsPete]

You both need to allow your relationship to take the next step. Yes, you still live in their house, so they make the rules. You have to decide if those rules are too restrictive. If they are, talk to them about it. If they won't bend, you should probably plan on moving out because they don't trust you. If they do bend, make sure that you don't take advantage of that trust.

If they are using guilt to manipulate you, call them on it. They really need to learn that, while it is okay to worry, it is not okay to shift that worry onto someone else. You are only young once. You don't need or want to start thinking like your parents. You have your own worries to carry around.

In short, time to grow up - parents and daughter.

Realistic, and good advice.

Move out. No really, it's worth the extra work you'll have to put in or the loans you'd have to incur. You're an adult, prove it.

Alternatively, just stop asking them/telling them. What they don't know doesn't worry them.

Over-reaction. She doesn't say that she's dissatisifed overall with living at home -- just that she and her parents have not yet adjusted to an adult-parent relationship.

Also, it's rude to live in the house and not ask them/tell them what you're doing. It's just common courtesy to let people know that you won't be home for dinner, will be in late, etc.

 

[coolshannie]

Thank you for all of your replies. You're are right, this really isn't that big of a deal, I do understand where my mom is coming from, it is just that sometimes It's hard to hear when I really want to do something. As far as moving out, I think that would be blowing this way out of proportion. I don't hate living here; I just disagree with what my parents say sometimes, don't we all do this? I was just curious if other parents did the same thing with giving their children a choice, but if they followed through with the choice, their parent(s) would not be very happy with them for a while. I understand I live under their roof and it is their rules; I'm not going to move out just because I disagree here and there. I don't feel as though I need to prove I am an adult to anyone. I think It's a responsible decision right now to be living at home and saving my money so I don't have years and years of student loans to pay in the future. I found the posts about being a people-pleaser and shifting the guilt to be the most helpful, as I think I am a people pleaser and when my mom is extremely worried about me doing something she does shift the guilt. Thanks again for all of the replies!