Parents please help. Need opinions

[mommaU4]

I have a question about kids and when, if ever do you stop helping them out?

First let me give you a little back ground.
My family and I moved here to MI about a year and a half ago because we have extended family here. My mom moved here at the same time. About 2 months after we moved here my half-brother and his girlfriend show up in the area needing a place to stay. My uncle let them use his 2 bdrm cabin until they could find jobs and get on their feet. It was only supposed to be for a few months and they were to pay him $200 a month rent and pay for their utilities.

Well, long story short, in the time they've been here my brother has been hired and fired from 4 jobs, his girlfriend from 2. They never have any money so they say, but they love to hit the bars especially the girlfriend now that she's 21. My brother is 28 BTW.

My grandparents gave them a car to use which my mom pays the insurance on and sometimes gives them money for gas. She has payed several months of their rent and has bought them groceries. She has payed some of their utilities but the last time my uncle had to pay it. They haven't paid Jan or Feb rent. They fight all the time and have broken the door and some other parts of my uncles cabin during their fights. He finally gave them their eviction notice.

They have a month to find a new place with no job, bad credit and no money. My brother has gotten two tickets. The first for speeding, which he failed to appear for and almost had a warrant out for his arrest. The second which my mom just found out about today was for not wearing a seat belt and he also didn't appear for that and now has 25 days to pay the $80 fine or he'll lose his license. How he'll pay with no money, who knows?

The list is truly endless. It's a nightmare. I feel so bad for my mom and all the stress he causes her. But she keeps helping them and is now saying that she'll probably have to get an apartment for them.

So my question is when is it enough? When do you stop helping your kids? I have 4 kids and hopefully I am never in a situation like this, but if I was, I'm not sure what I'd do.

On the one hand, you want to do a little tough love and make them take responsibility but on the other it's your kid and you don't want to see them on the street. What would you do?

 

[MomofKatie]

Wow! to your mom.

IMO, once a child has gotten out of the house (either out of college or out of high school) and has a job, significant other, etc, they are on their own. I, as a parent, would offer my love and encouragement, but not financial support. Otherwise, when will the kid grow up? If he knows he can keep screwing up and his mom will bail him out, why shape up?

Tough situation- and it sounds like your Mom won't let him sink or swim on his own. He'll probably mooch off her forever- and why not? She isn't making him take any responsibility for his actions.

 

[mannasn]

I don't have any advice.. what a tough situation!

I hear stories like this on a radio show I listen to alot (Dave Ramsey) - he always suggests a book called Boundaries... but I'm not sure of the author.

Wishing you and your family the wisdom to make some tough decisions!

 

[mrsv98]

He is a 28 yo able bodied man...enough said. Time to cut the apron strings.

 

[C.Ann]

My motto for anyone is: "I'm more than happy to help anyone who is willing to help themselves.."

I've had to use it on my son many, many times - and for very serious issues.. You will rarely hear me speak about him now because he refuses to help himself (in his case it's psychiatric issues he needs to address) so I had to cut all ties with him to keep myself and other family members safe..

You never stop loving your kids - regardless - but there are definitely times when you have to say enough is enough.. That's the hardest part of parenting..

 

[barkley]

i am one of 4 kids (only daughter) and i have a brother in his early mid 50's who first my parents, and then my mother "rescued" from every financial and legal entanglement, paid for moves to areas "with better job opportunities/offered a fresh start". he has never been held accountable for anything (thank god he has never fathered any children). my mother literaly moved from her home to have the excuse of living in a senior apartment as a means to sever supporting him. she however would always give him money, food, whatever when he came asking. 4 months ago she finaly had enough and said "no-there are shelters you can go to, there is your car if you don't want to live in a shelter, there are food pantries and places that serve meals".

GUESS WHAT? while he has not contacted mom but once in 4 months (when she again said "no"). he is alive, he is living somewhere, he is eating-and all because he had to get a job and be accountable for his own welfare (alot of his firings were due to not following the rules because no job ever mattered-it did'nt mean he would without, someone (mom) would always "bail" him out).
family to him, sadly is only a means of financial support. in my mind my mother did the greatest act of motherhood by finaly "cutting him loose" (though in my opinion she should have done it years ago-he may have with time not matured such that he would not have severed the majority of his family ties).

it's HARD-but the best thing she can do is to make him grow up (and i can tell you as a former social services employee-there are resources for food, housing, healthcare-but the person seeking them is held accountable and may be "forced" (required) to work to receive them (this offered some solace to my mom).

hugs to you and big hugs to your mom.

 

[Wishing on a star]

When do you stop 'helping' (re: a 28 yr. old able bodied man) now!!! LOL!!!

But seriously, what I wanted to add is this... The situation is between two grown adults... Your half-brother and his mother. You should be very very careful of interfering. It could only complicate matters. And, more than likely, you will be the one who does not come out smelling like a rose.

Handle your relationships with your mother and your brother as you wish. That, of course, is up to you. However, their relationship is between the two of them, and is really beyond your realm of control.

You make your decisions, and let them make theirs.

 

[mommaU4]

Thanks for the advice so far guys.

This is pretty much how I have felt but then again he is my brother (and we are not that close) not my child so I guess it's easier for me to say than it is for her to do.

I have no problem with helping someone out who is trying but still can't quite make it. Jobs here are hard to find and the pay is lousy so if he was working but needed a boost now and then that's different. But he can't even keep a job and he'd rather have nothing coming in than work at McDonalds.

I think his getting evicted by my uncle will be a blessing in disguise. I know my mom is getting sick off it. The last gas card she bought him he lost, and she told him she wasn't helping him with that anymore. So it's a start.

Why oh why don't they tell us how hard parenting can be? And so help me God if my kids ever try to act like this they will get a good swift kick in the rear!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

So my question is when is it enough? It starts when they are born. Kids want "everything", however "everything" is not good for them. As an adult you should set proper boundaries AT ALL AGES.

When do you stop helping your kids? Again I don't think you ever "stop helping" however you should discern between "help" and what is best for the situation.


What would you do? It is up to your parents to figure out the path with their son. I would let it go, and ask my parents to please kindly not mention the issues to me. I would explain that I don't agree with how things are handled and it upsets me and to please not talk about it.
Then when they start to talk about it I would stop them.

 

[mommaU4]

When do you stop 'helping' (re: a 28 yr. old able bodied man) now!!! LOL!!!

But seriously, what I wanted to add is this... The situation is between two grown adults... Your half-brother and his mother. You should be very very careful of interfering. It could only complicate matters. And, more than likely, you will be the one who does not come out smelling like a rose.

Handle your relationships with your mother and your brother as you wish. That, of course, is up to you. However, their relationship is between the two of them, and is really beyond your realm of control.

You make your decisions, and let them make theirs.

I agree. The few times I have tried to offer my two cents it hasn't gone over well. She gets defensive and it's not worth battling over. It's her choice.

It just really made me wonder what I would do in her shoes. I would like to think I'd use a little more tough love and not baby him so much, but I look at my kids now and think what if I did that and they ended up on the street and something happened to them. I didn't spend all their lives looking out for them only to have it end up that way.

Well, hopefully that will not be an issue I will have to face. Although none of us have a crystal ball. Scary thought!

 

[golfgal]

When they graduate from college. If they choose not to go to college, they are on their own.

 

[delilah]

My son is still too young for this to apply. In general, my parents didn't offer any financial support after we moved out of the house. We actually attended college while living at home. We lived in Gainesville, and attended Univ of Florida. Both my brothers attended law school, and lived at home with my parents, my sister earned a PharmD, also living with mom and dad. I got married right after graduating. When I went to medical school, my father refused to fill out the financial aid form, saying that I had already graduated and moved away. This was the same time my sister was in pharmacy school, and it would simply have amounted to providing the identical information so I could qualify for a lower interest student loan.

My parents also gave my brother a large sum of money to rebuild after his office burned out (it was in a bank that had a fire). My parents loaned us some money for a down payment for our first house, which I repaid within 5 years.