parents over 40

[emmababy]

I have a question for you somewhat older parents. I am 29 and my DH is 40. We have DD 9 months. We want one more baby for sure and I am nervous about when to start trying. I don't want my husband to be "old daddy", but I also don't want to be broke from daycare costs and running around after two babies so close in age. Any stories or advice on a good age span would be great. I should also mention, my husband is a truck driver and I work full time. So it is only me for about two weeks at a time while he is gone.
Thanks for any input!

 

[Janet Hill]

Wow! I don't envy that even at your "young age". I was 42 when my last one was born. I'm 49 with a 7 year old and a 9 year old. I also have a 24 year old and when she is with me and the younger ones, I have been mistaken for the grandma. My husband is 4 years younger than me, so he was a youngster of 38 when the last one was born.

If I had to be sole caregiver for up to 2 weeks at a time, I'm not sure what I would do. That's a lot of work.

Daycare costs do eat you up for two kids, after the 7 year old was born, my husband quit and stayed home with the kids until she started school. The little bit of money we had left over after paying the daycare, commuting to work and the taxes, just wasn't worth the hassel.

But hey you've got time, there's lots of us old parents out there.

 

[eagles]

i was 41 when i had my son, he is 7 now, i also have a 24 yr old, who has 2 (1 on the way) children, they all live with me, i have have raised them.

the only advice i can give you, is to do what you want. you only live once. enjoy the children when they do come, regardless of age.

my only major problem is that i am not as active as i was, and it is much harder for me to pick them up and throw them around, i get so out of breath and my muscle (or lack there of) just can't handle the young ones very good anymore. when i want to just sit and relax, they still wanna go go go!

one of the reason i love taking a vacation in disney world, all ages in our group can go and all can have a great time.

 

[laceemouse]

I wouldn't worry too much about your dh being the oldest daddy on the playground. LOTS of folks put off having kids these days until their late 30's and early to mid 40's. Also, I had my first two 22 months apart and it was fine. They are great friends now! We had 4 kids in 6 years, of course, I don't work outside the home, but my dh does work long hours and travels for work so I understand the feeling like a single parent thing. I wouldn't change a thing, I would have had more if dh would have agreed! I was 35 and he was 38 when we had #4.

 

[SeeDisney]

Don't even worry about -- 40 is so young. My husband was 42 when we had baby #3 and 45 when we had our last baby.


Lots and Lots and Lots of dads are in their 40's and still having babies. He won't be the only one.


I'd say Go for it!!!!

 

[emmababy]

Thank you so much for your responses and encouraging words. Right now, DD and I are in a good rhythm at night. And I want another baby for sure if not two more. I just worry once she is mobile and it is just us. But I guess single mom's do it all the time with no rest. I just didn't want to rush into the next baby because of my DH's age. I really appreciate everyone's advice!

 

[almburr]

Im 31 and DH is 47 we have 5 kids 12,8,6,5,2. Dh has only been mistaken for gdad only a few times. He is rather grey though.

I guess you feel as young as you want to feel.

DH is home every night so I dont have to try to do it all by myself. Unless you count summer and fall harvest when he is in the fields 16hrs aday for 3weeks then im on my own.

 

[Worfiedoodles]

I guess this is where I should mention my 50 yr. old friend who is trying to conceive?

I am almost 39 and dh is almost 44. We decided we are done because we don't want to have kids in college when we are trying to retire. My friend mentioned above doesn't consider that an issue at all, she just wants another baby.

It really is a personal choice, and you have to do what you think is right for your family. I see dads and moms in every age group lined up outside ds's school every morning, in his 40s your dh is not going to be an "old daddy". With regards to spacing, you never know what might happen. dh and his sisters are bunched closely, and couldn't be less compatible. I have a dear friend with a ten year gap in her kids, and they have a very loving sibling relationship. Your most pressing concern should be what feels right for you and dh, IMHO.

Good luck with your decision!

 

[cancer_survivor_06]

My dh works offshore so he is gone two weeks at a time my girls will be 4 and 7 at the end of this year. I think it is a great age difference for the two. My dd3 is disabled so she is not comparable to your average 3 year old but dd6 loves her sissy and always wants to be the mommy but we have worked out a helper of the day system at home. DD6 is in kindergarten right now b/c she missed the cutoff date and dd3 won't be in kindergarten for until fall 2008. I think 3-4 year difference is great especially for when they go off to college. Best of luck.

 

[MSSANDRA]

Really 40 is young. I would base the timing on when you feel ready to add another child. DH will be 48 Thursday and I am 42 and we have a almost 15 year old. We also have a niece that we helped raise that has a new 4 mo old that we have a LOT. We are amazed at how differently we look at everything now. We are so much more laid back and relaxed. We know how fast he will grow so we marvel at EVERY step. DH comes home from work and can not wait to get him in his arms. I call him DB on here becasue his is not quite a grandbaby but not really ours either. DH has mention more than once since he was born that he has baby fever. Not a physical possiblility anymore but I know that at 48 he would make an awsome daddy again.

 

[NU2WDW]

Well, as a mom of three under-5's who is looking 40 in the face this year, I don't know whether to be offended by your post or not!

Nearly everyone we know is in their 40s and most of them have young kids, so I'm not sure how to address the question of your dh being an "old dad." In my experience, he's far from it. For us, anyone under 30 who has kids is a "young parent".

I had #2 when #1 was 18 mo. old, #3 when #2 was 15 mo. old. So mine are waaay close. People say "omg, how do you DO it??" Well, it can be quite a challenge, but it's like anything else -- you do what you do. Having done it this way, I can't imagine spacing them 3 or 4 years (or lots more!) apart. To have gotten past all the baby stages and then have to start over again from scratch -- -- no thanks! The truth is, there's no "right" time or "right" spacing for kids. It all works itself out somehow.

"Old daddy"....

 

[powellrj]

DH is 52 and I am 47 and our kids are 23, 16 and 10 and we have been married for almost 29 years. We have both been mistaken for grandparents with our younger DD and our oldest DS has been mistaken for her DF!!

The funny thing is, most of DDs friends parents are our age. Our middle DSs friends parents are also our age while our oldest DSs friends parents are also our age! I am beginning to wonder if our kids are attracted to other kids whos parents are in the same stages of life.

Good Luck with what you decide!

 

[SalandJeff]

I'm 50, dh is 53, and dd is 3. Are we the oldest parents on the playground - probably. But who cares. This is our family and our lives. We wouldn't change a thing.

Families come in all different configurations these days. My parents friends who are in their 70s are raising their 9 yo grandson.

Base your decision on your family and your needs. It must be very hard to be alone for 2 weeks at a time and a lot of responsibility. If you think you can handle 2 alone, go for it. But don't feel rushed either....you have plenty of time.

 

[emmababy]

Thanks again for all the different insights into your family lives.

 

[mrsheppo]

I'm almost 49 and DH is 59 and we are in the process of adopting our 6 month old granddaughter. We feel we have the energy and a lot more patience at this age than when we had our children. I have 4 kids 25, 23, 21 & 20 while DH has 6 kids, 25, 24,22, 19, 15 and 13.

If you and your DH can handle it, age is just a number.

 

[delilah]

We only have one son, and my husband was 42 and I was 41 when he was adopted. He is 9 now. Except for the occasional rude person who comments out loud whether we might his grandparents, everything else is OK. In terms of energy level, we run circles around people who are 15 years younger than we. Actually, while we were at WDW, we ran circles around the teen-aged sons of some friends who accompanied us.

I think that you will find, as others have pointed out, that many people in competitive fields defer child-bearing until later. I know that when I was 27 years old, and working as a chemist in a research lab, that the female director of my division had her first child when she was 42. Even among my colleagues, having a child in one's mid-30's is actually young. I am a physician, and I make the observation that most of the women who were my classmates who had children already before starting medical school eventually dropped out. I can't think of any, off hand, who had children while I was in medical school, but I am sure it happened. By the time a person completes residency and starts in practice, they will be about 29 or so. So, most women in my specialty who have babies are at least 32-35 when they have their first one. So, I am sure that many are not finished completing their family until they are at least the age I was when I adopted my son. Perhaps, in a sense, he got the best of both worlds. His natural mother was 19, so he had the advantage of a robust biological mother. My husband and I are much better off financially now than we were in our 20's, and I like to think, alot more mature in our thinking and better parents than we would have been then.

 

[Katy Belle]

My parents were both 43 when I was born...in 1968! I don't remember it ever being a big issue growing up. I do remember Mom being really tired and falling asleep while trying to read to us...my brother is 13 months older than I! My Dad was a truck driver too...but he came home every night, not until 9 or so. They both made modest salaries and worked until they were old..70s. They probably would have been better off financially without us two little kiddos...but I KNOW they have ZERO regrets.

I am lucky that they are both still alive at 81. It does sadden me that they will probably not get to see my sons all grown up and married.

As for age distance between kiddos...its a very personal thing. My first two are 25 months apart and that was pretty hard for me. I know plenty of people who had no trouble with that spacing. I wouldn't rush it just based on your DHs age, what is a year or two really?

I do think the older you are when having kids does affect the age of retirement, but it may not be an issue in your family. My DH is hoping to retire young-ish and having a kid just starting High School would be difficult.

Good luck!
Katy

 

[Disney Ron]

We are proud parents of a beautiful 5 month old DS. DH was 46 and I was 37 when he was born. DH said he would not change a thing, just a little more sleep! This is my first child, DH has DD 20 and DS 17, and DGS 1 1/2. DS was born an uncle!

DH thought he was done with the child rearing part of his life, but our relationship changed that. Unselfishly he loved me and wanted me to be a mom. Everything in life happens for a reason, my family was truly well worth the wait.

Mrs. Disney Ron

 

[DawnM]

Well, first of all......I have 2 boys just 20 months apart. I actually wanted to wait 3 years before having a 2nd child, but it didn't work that way.....

BUT, I am SO glad I had 2 close together. They are best friends and keep each other company all the time. It makes it easier on me!

I am 41 next month and have a 3 year old. I have lots of friends my age either with babies or wanting to have more babies!

People just don't bat an eye these days....more and more people are waiting to have kids.

Anyway, 40 is the new 30!

Dawn

 

[Starr W.]

DH & I are both 43 and our boys are 10 and 5. DH & I didn't meet until we were 30, the priest that married us was so surprised it was our first marriage that we didn't have to go and do the "weekend classes", just had to go to 4 meetings with him(3 of those we did over dinner).

We really didn't plan on the spread of 5 yrs, I ran a large manufacturing company, so 1 was plenty at that time. I sold the company when the eldest was 4 and oops 3months later I was pregnant.