Parents of son's friend invitied him on a Disney trip for spring break next year

[Tigger in a kilt]

All good points from @ShayBells and @emer95. The ideal scenario is that he is a troll, because if it’s real then it’s heartbreaking. I’m new to the board, so it may well be a former troll with a new name.

Either way, I think I’m out. I usually only read the trip planning threads, without logging in, and I now feel I’ve done all I can in this thread, if the OP is real.

OP, if your situation is indeed as you have presented it, I hope you will seek some help from a professional, be it a grief counsellor or your clergy. Your kids need you to be emotionally healthy, far more than they need a trip to Disney World or college tuition. Best of luck to you and your family.

 

[Tigger in a kilt]

It's a shame a handout is so anathema, because it sounds as if needs based aid might be just the ticket for all three kids to be able to attend college. It's strange school counselors haven't delved into this with the 16 year old, because this family situation is precisely one that's normally on their radar.

It may well have been discussed with the daughter. Whether or how this is relayed to a father with this attitude is another matter.

 

[SingingMom]

I don't like the idea of other parents giving my child experiences and memories that I can't give him.

Then you have your answer.

 

[DisneyFansInNYC]

Time has run out for a family vacation. My kids will grow up and leave home and may not want to go on a trip with me. I probably wouldn't be able to afford trips in the distant future that would have to include the kids' SOs or spouses or even their own kids. I won't ever be able to give my kids a decent vacation.

I hope that when your kids get older, get married and have kids, they all get together and bring you on a great vacation with everyone, without you feeling the need that you owe them. I would hope that you take it with open arms and not do what you did here. Just take it!

I agree with you @MrPTato - my husband's mom couldn't afford to take him on any vacations after their dad left them. My husband went into the military and then college. We got married and both of us were successful in our careers - we paid for his mom to come visit us in NYC and took her on vacations every year. We paid and still pay for everything. She never felt bad that we pay for everything and we are thrilled that she can spend time with us and our kids.

One big piece of advice is stop worrying about the future because you are missing them now. Things always work out. There would be nothing wrong if you don't have money to pay for their college. I don't know where you live but NYS just made it so kids could go to college for free. One of our daughters best friend went to our local 4 year college (several years ago) for free and it is a good school. I can't imagine how hard it is to raise kids after your wife died - but they need you no matter what you can and cannot afford.

 

[larissawbb]

That was the same vibe that I got off of this.

His parents may have a bunker in the backyard.

 

[amberpi]

I didn't get the memo that children sharing bedrooms was a sign of extreme poverty and worthy of despising but then I grew up in NYC where frugality in living space is the norm.

Methinks our legs are being pulled. Nobody has that much "pride" and dribbles out their life story on the internet. JMO.

OMG...lol. I have been thinking this the entire time.

We're even worse than that. We have the kids sleep in the same room on purpose! And the bathroom attached to that room is tiny! We're monsters. Child services should come get them.

I've been going back and forth wondering if this is real.

If it is, OP - I'm sure your community has grief counseling services...that might help a lot. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and the struggle before, but let the ding dang kid go. My brother and I got all kinds of different travel experiences due to different interests and we're both ok because of it now, and where then.

Also, someone upthread made a lovely remark about how assistance isn't given out of making tallies and judgments. I'm sure this family simply wanted to do something nice. Let them.

It's never as hopeless as it seems. Trust me. Do some therapy, it can work wonders.

 

[LongLiveRafiki]

Yes, education is part of the the reason my daughters wants to join the military and it's for the benefits and she is already aware of that. My children will probably have to work while going to college, but I want to help them as much as I can that way I can feel that I didn't fail them when it came to education. I have already failed my kids when it comes to not being able to give them good trips, nice clothes, and other nice things. So yes, helping them with college is something that I want to do to at least make sure I didn't completely fail them in life.

People don't fail their kids simply by not providing them with designer clothes, the latest tech devices, and expensive trips. I've stated this before, but we didn't have much growing up, but what we did have I appreciated. I don't remember the gifts I received or clothes I owned, but I remember the experiences I had. That's what matters. Personally, I feel blessed that I wasn't handed everything I wanted growing up as it taught me to work hard, be appreciative, to understand that experiences and personal connections and family are so much more important than anything monetary. It taught me that I am not owed anything in life, that my life is what I make it and that I create my own happiness.

There is a huge difference between being gracious and appreciative and accepting a gift given and expecting others to provide for you. It would be wrong to EXPECT them (or anyone else) to give a gift, but there's no shame in ACCEPTING a gift.

I'll admit that I'm not completely happy about my daughter joining the military because it's risky and the thought of her being killed in some conflict scares me. A part of me does feel guilt that she has to resort to joining the military when anything can wrong in this world.

She's 16. She still has time before she could even enlist. It sounds like this is a decision she has likely thiught through. The way you say that she had to "resort to" joining the military makes it sound like a last minute decision she was forced into making because she had no other options. That's clearly not the case.

There are sooo many reasons that people choose to join the military and frankly, it's rarely ever a single reason. While I can understand your concerns about our safety, her (potentially) enlisting is not something that reflects negatively on you or your parenting. It shows that you raised a child that wants to help others, likely because she has seen that example in you. It says a lot to her character positively that she wants to serve her country.

There was never a question that my family could pay for college for me. I knew it was never a possibility and that was okay. It wasn't their responsibility. I joined the Marine Corps at 17 and sure, the education benefits were a nice bonus and the thought of travel intrigued me, but those weren't the only reasons I decided to enlist. They weren't even near the top. I didn't join to escape home or because I resented not having a lot growing up.

You have to stop blaming yourself. You need to recognize the good things that you are doing for your kids, for what you are providing for them. Material things are not important. The love and support of a father is.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

I could almost swear the exact same scenario posted by the OP has been discussed before here but I can't seem to find it.

 

[larissawbb]

I could almost swear the exact same scenario posted by the OP has been discussed before here but I can't seem to find it.

It was mentioned earlier in the thread. The father whose daughters fiancé wouldn’t go on vacations, concerts or other fun things that cost money. He thought everything was a luxury and gifts were charity.

 

[longboard55]

I was wondering if that story of a bride asking for money was also a fake one. That's the internet, no verification just go

 

[larissawbb]

I was wondering if that story of a bride asking for money was also a fake one. That's the internet, no verification just go

The bride one was totally fake because she claimed to be Canadian in her original post. The follow up news stories interviewing her cousin then stated “ people don’t have to worry about her abandoning her young son to travel to South America. She then went on to say that her cousin had never even been outside the United States”.

 

[robinb]

It was mentioned earlier in the thread. The father whose daughters fiancé wouldn’t go on vacations, concerts or other fun things that cost money. He thought everything was a luxury and gifts were charity.

I remember him! They could be brothers.

 

[larissawbb]

I remember him! They could be brothers.

I felt so bad for the future FIL because he was only trying to get to know this guy and do something nice for him. He couldn’t win for trying.

 

[bellebud]

A part of me does feel guilt that she has to resort to joining the military when anything can wrong in this world.

Her having to 'resort' to joining the military to travel is honestly rubbing me the wrong way. Many, many people never travel, never see places outside their immediate area. Some don't want to, some can't (or think they can't... as others have pointed out, there are other ways to see other places). Join a church group and go on mission trips, join the Peace Corps, Red Cross or other such organizations. Get a job that requires travel (ones that pop into my head - airline stewardess or working on a cruise ship, teaching English in other countries). The way you've made it sound, it's like martyrdom (definition: a display of feigned or exaggerated suffering to obtain sympathy or admiration). She does not HAVE to join to military to travel. Just google jobs that allow you to travel.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

It was mentioned earlier in the thread. The father whose daughters fiancé wouldn’t go on vacations, concerts or other fun things that cost money. He thought everything was a luxury and gifts were charity.

I remember that one but I still think there was another thread started almost identical to this one. Wish I could find it but maybe it poofed.

 

[larissawbb]

I remember that one but I still think there was another thread started almost identical to this one. Wish I could find it but maybe it poofed.

I think your right. Last Spring there was something almost identical to this.

 

[KMarston]

We invited a friend for nine days when my daughter was seven. We very carefully selected the child, took her to the local fair, the zoo a state away etc... all to see how she'd mesh. They did us a favor! We wanted the experience for our daughter so it wasn't a hand out at all. The family wasn't well off, we told them that if they wanted they could give her a little souvenir money but it wasn't necessary. That's the only mistake we made. All of her relatives gave her cash and I got stuck with a seven year old with $200 to spend. We almost didn't fit all of the stuffed animals in the car! And we weren't in the position (nor would we if we could) to hand my daughter $200 to spend on stuffed animals!

I'd say they're doing it for their own child. And growing up I learned quickly that every child in the family had different opportunities. That's just life. I vacationed with wealthy friends families, my sister traveled with church groups etc. My own kids grew up very different economic situations as they were nine years apart. I'd say let him go!

 

[EveDallas]

OP, you have yet to answer the question several posters have asked you. Why did you post this thread? You have clearly already made your decision, and you counter every comment in support of your son going. Did you just feel like arguing today? Or did you just want justification of a selfish attitude? Of course, those questions only apply in the off chance that this is actually legit.

ETA...does anyone else feel like they've read almost this exact same scenario before? Everything from the initial post to the digging in of heels seems like something I've read previously. Not sure whether here on the Dis or another Disney site.

I feel like it was here. Just not sure when or who.

 

[MrsPete]

I wanted to add that the parents should have asked you before bringing it up to your son. That was a huge carrot to dangle and it put you in a tough position.

I agree strongly with this statement. The parents should've come to you first. They've denied you the option of declining gracefully, and they've put you in the position of being the bad guy.

Oh please, no one is treating this like it's an organ transplant. But the kid has an opportunity he wouldn't normally get and the only thing standing in the way is dad's pride. Frankly, it doesn't seem like there's a legitimate reason for the kid not to go except that it makes dad feel bad.

People who are piling on this dad for "depriving his child of an experience" are coming on too strong. I absolutely see reasons why I might say no to my child going on a Disney trip with another family. The strongest reason is that these three kids haven't had many traveling experiences, and -- yes -- I would not want to pit my other two kids against this one.

No I haven't considered therapy. I do my best to power through my tragedies and hard times. I don't take help and I won't waste insurance or money on therapy. Trust me my oldest has had friends who made fun of her room that she shares with her youger sister and that's why I don't like having my kids' friends over.

First, I do think therapy is a pretty good idea. You do sound depressed. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your kids.

Second -- no -- kids may've made fun of your daughter's room, but friends did not.

Time has run out for a family vacation. My kids will grow up and leave home and may not want to go on a trip with me. I probably wouldn't be able to afford trips in the distant future that would have to include the kids' SOs or spouses or even their own kids. I won't ever be able to give my kids a decent vacation.

No, no. This is a defeatist attitude. You have two years 'til your oldest is out of the house /in the military, and while you might not be able to manage a week at Disney, I'm sure you can provide your kids with a couple long-weekend trips -- probably more than camping, too, since you don't seem to be interested in that.

Look around at what you might do for a low cost. For example, we often rent cabins in state parks; in our area, we can get a 2-3 bedroom cabin on a lake for less than $100/night. Does your bank or credit union offer local theme park tickets for a discounted price? Does your local museum offer a free afternoon once a month? You'd have to be pretty destitute to be unable to afford anything in the way of a small vacation for your kids. You can do a pretty nice long weekend for perhaps $300 -- modest hotel, bring breakfast for the room, a couple activities, then a nice dinner out.

As for not being able "to do" for the oldest ... consider what she (your oldest is a girl, right?) has had that her two siblings didn't have and can never have: She had more years with her mom. She has more memories from before her mom became sick. Will the others be angry about this? I doubt it; rather, I suspect they'll ask her to tell stories about what mom was like.

You should treat your kids fairly, of course, but that doesn't mean equal. The world will not treat them equally. I think we tried to offer our two kids "the same", but it didn't always work out. For example, my oldest was in a great cohort of classmates -- lots of strong academics among them, lots of good friends. My youngest went to school with a mean bunch of bullies. I kept telling her, "No, no, everyone in your class can't be mean!" Then they aged-up to the school where I teach, and -- yep -- my youngest was telling the truth! Similarly, I can think of clubs and events that came along for one -- but not the other. Overall, I think we were fair with our kids, but the world made no attempt to be fair with them.

I already work overtime when it's offered. I said earlier in this thread that I'm saving money for my kids' future whether they go to college or trade/vocational school. I'm not going to risk using money for vacations when that money can go to my kids getting an education or a trade. I also do my best to not spend a lot of money for groceries and I don't even buy new clothes for myself. My wife never had expensive jewelry and we never had wedding rings either. I try to save money, but there's no way I can give my kids vacations plus educational expenses, food, insurance co-pays, clothes, and many other necessities.

Of course I am in favor of saving for your kids' educations, but if you're really doing THAT badly financially, your kids are going to get enough financial aid to cover a lot of their college educations. Having lost a parent, aren't they getting their mom's Social Security until they turn 18? If you're living that close to the financial edge, don't they qualify for all sorts of financial help?

I wouldn't do one on one trips with my younger two kids because I wouldn't want to make my oldest feel bad.

No, no, that makes no sense. Say you mess up at work today; do you just give up and say you'll never have a good day at work again? Of course not. I don't believe you're unable to take some small trips while your oldest is still at home, and once your oldest is done with basic training /settled in, you can take the younger two to visit the oldest.

I'll admit that I'm not completely happy about my daughter joining the military because it's risky and the thought of her being killed in some conflict scares me. A part of me does feel guilt that she has to resort to joining the military when anything can wrong in this world.

Going into the military doesn't necessarily mean she'll be in combat. The military needs every job that exists in the civilian world: She might end up working in Human resources, she might end up working in the commissary, she might end up doing something medical. For what it's worth, if I could go back in time and be 18 again, I'd go into the military. I had no help financially with college, and paying for school was incredibly hard for me. Also, those military benefits that last a lifetime are nice. I don't think the military is an easy life, but what job is easy today?

You say you want to give your kids more. I was a kid in a difficult, disfunctional family. Looking back, I don't resent that they couldn't pay for college -- but I do resent that my parents didn't have time /didn't make time to help me make college choices, didn't provide me with a shred of guidance for college, made it clear that I was not their priority as a teen. I know you say you want to help your kids with college, but I strongly suspect they're feeling like I did. Why? Because to a teen, right now is what matters. I don't mean buying them things; I mean talking to them and spending time with them.

I think it is important to consider this. Your oldest regrets that your family did not give themselves the luxury of a family vacation before circumstance beyond your control took away that ever being a possibility again.
Saving for future education is an admirable thing---but doing so at the expense of ever enjoying luxuries and life NOW isn't generally a wise idea---and it can be really awful if something unexpected happens and then the future plans cannot come to fruition and the life led until then was one of only sacrifice for something that doesn'T get to be.
Balance is a really good thing---and seems lacking in your plans/life.

Agree: balance.

 

[sunshinehighway]

Her having to 'resort' to joining the military to travel is honestly rubbing me the wrong way. Many, many people never travel, never see places outside their immediate area. Some don't want to, some can't (or think they can't... as others have pointed out, there are other ways to see other places). Join a church group and go on mission trips, join the Peace Corps, Red Cross or other such organizations. Get a job that requires travel (ones that pop into my head - airline stewardess or working on a cruise ship, teaching English in other countries). The way you've made it sound, it's like martyrdom (definition: a display of feigned or exaggerated suffering to obtain sympathy or admiration). She does not HAVE to join to military to travel. Just google jobs that allow you to travel.

She wouldn't even need a job that allows her to travel, just the desire and a little vacation time.
If this is actually real, you can clearly see how the op's view has skewed his daughter's thinking. Travel isn't nearly as expensive as it once was and there's lots of ways to travel on the cheap. There's also lots of great places to visit which aren't expensive. There's no reason for this girl to think she has to join the military if she wants to travel.