Parents of only children - any regrets

[Gabes_mommy]

I was just reading the "how old is too old" to have a child thread and it got me thinking - I am 34 and I need to make a decision soon if I want another child. After 3 miscarriages (the most recent in the 2nd trimester last year) a big part of me just wants to pack it in. I just went back to work full-time after being a SAHM for over 2 years and I'm not sure I am ready to go back to being at home full-time again.

I feel so torn - I would love another baby, but I don't think I could emotionally handle another miscarriage.

If you only had one child, how did it turn out? Did you ever regret your decision? Did you find peace with your decision?

My DH is an only child and he is amazing man so that is comforting.

Thanks in advance to everyone who decides to share.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I've had two miscarriages, myself. I have two sons. One is 16 and the other is 6. I do wish I would have had them closer together, but there are advantages to this, too.

Honestly, I know I'd feel regret if I'd only had my oldest son. I don't know how differently things would have turned out, but I do know I'd regret it. You may be different, though.

 

[NMAmy]

DD is an only child and it turned out just fine. I used to think I wanted more than one but the thought of sibling rivalry and squabbling really made me rethink that. I also divorced when dd was pretty young and one child was really all I could support. When dh and I got together, dd was 8 and his dd was 18. It just seemed like such an age gap at that point that neither of us were really interested in more children.

I'm sorry you've been having all these troubles. I don't regret my decision one little bit.

 

[powellrj]

My oldest is 8 years older than his brother and 13 years older than his sister. We always thought he would be an only child. When he was 7, my DH decided we needed to have another child after he watched a TV show where the parents lost their only child when they were in their 50's. He decided he didn't want that to happen to us. I know its a strange reason to have another child.

My reasoning to have another child was I had always heard only children complain when they were adults they had the burden of caring for aging/ dying parents alone and wanted someone to share the work. We have found out first hand it makes no difference how many kids there are, you still may end up doing everything alone. My DH has 2 brothers and when his parents were ill and dying, he alone had to care for them. We are not sure one brother even knows they have died and the other showed up 12 hours before the funeral and came back to pick up his share of the estate and that was it.

So much for my theory.

I guess I am telling you in a rambling way, no matter what you do, you have no idea what is best. Do whatever YOU think is best for you and your family. There is no right or wrong answer.

 

[Pixie Dust for Me!]

I have just one...he's 11 now and I have no regrets (and he's happy to be an only after watching his cousins bicker!).

 

[momof1princess]

i have one daughter, who is almost 12. i always wanted a son, but it wasn't meant to be (after her birth, ob/gyn advised i not get pregnant again-too much internal damage), and it makes my heart ache, but i know there are many women who never get to be mothers, so i'm grateful i was able to have her.

 

[Liberty Belle]

My oldest is 8 years older than his brother and 13 years older than his sister. We always thought he would be an only child. When he was 7, my DH decided we needed to have another child after he watched a TV show where the parents lost their only child when they were in their 50's. He decided he didn't want that to happen to us. I know its a strange reason to have another child.

My reasoning to have another child was I had always heard only children complain when they were adults they had the burden of caring for aging/ dying parents alone and wanted someone to share the work. We have found out first hand it makes no difference how many kids there are, you still may end up doing everything alone. My DH has 2 brothers and when his parents were ill and dying, he alone had to care for them. We are not sure one brother even knows they have died and the other showed up 12 hours before the funeral and came back to pick up his share of the estate and that was it.

So much for my theory.

I guess I am telling you in a rambling way, no matter what you do, you have no idea what is best. Do whatever YOU think is best for you and your family. There is no right or wrong answer.

It does seem kind of strange, but...

My son's friend died when he was 11. He first got cancer at age 8 and I will never forget the conversation I had with his mom when they found out treatments weren't working. She was in despair and said, "Eden, we had "Joe" late in our lives. He's our only child. We can't have another." I will never forget the honesty and pain in her voice. It chills me to this day.

 

[MerMom60_94]

My reasoning to have another child was I had always heard only children complain when they were adults they had the burden of caring for aging/ dying parents alone and wanted someone to share the work. We have found out first hand it makes no difference how many kids there are, you still may end up doing everything alone. My DH has 2 brothers and when his parents were ill and dying, he alone had to care for them. We are not sure one brother even knows they have died and the other showed up 12 hours before the funeral and came back to pick up his share of the estate and that was it.

So much for my theory.

I guess I am telling you in a rambling way, no matter what you do, you have no idea what is best. Do whatever YOU think is best for you and your family. There is no right or wrong answer.

I come from a family of six children and my DH comes from a family of three children. We have also found the bulk of caring for elderly parents falls on one or two. When my FIL recently died, DH carried the burden of arrangements on himself. The other two were there physically, but were not good decision makers and really not very helpful at all.

I back Powellrj's conclusion - you do what is best for you and your family. Really, there are advantages and disadvantages whichever way you go. My DD is 14 and an only child and she is perfectly happy to have us to herself. The only time I am sorry she is an only is when we are on vacation and she is stuck with two middle-aged parents with no peer(s) to go off and do things with. That can be remedied, though, by bringing a friend along. If we had more children she wouldn't get to do half the things she is able to do now since we would be spreading our time and money thinner. Also, we are exceptionally close and I think if we had other children it would impact the dynamics of our relationship. Keep in mind, I had wanted another child, but my husband did not. This wasn't my first choice but it has worked out just fine.

 

[SC Minnie]

DD15 is an only child. No regrets. She was born with a birth defect that has resulted in 7 surgeries- 3 before she was 5. If we had had more children I wanted them within 4 years of each other. There is no way I could have dealt with the stress of DD's surgeries and a new born/toddler. I also had to continue working full time because DH lost his job when I was pregnant with DD so we needed the insurance. When he got another job they wouldn't cover her due to pre-existing conditions.

 

[mfd25wife]

We have one child who lives with us. We have one child who lives with his mother. When he cannot go with us somewhere such as the lake or on vacation, we allow DD to take a friend. I think it bothered DD more when she was younger. She's active enough now that it does not.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

I wouldn't assume that siblings bicker. I have 3 kids...almost 20, 18, and 16 and they get along great. I don't ever remember them "fighting" or "bickering", even when they were little. Getting annoyed with each other, yes, occasional issues, yet, but they get along great and always have.

As far as taking care of elderly parents...yeah, that often seems to be left to one kid. And that kid is me, altho I have 4 older siblings.

For me, I wouldn't think of having an only child. Had I only been able to have one for medical reasons, I would have adopted. But that's just the way I feel about it. I always pictured myself with a large family...3 was the bare minimum.

There are so many things to consider, and I'm sure it can be a difficult decision.

We have a trip to Disney coming up, and they're looking forward to going out to dinner and a night out together without us, because they're treating us to dinner at Victoria & Alberts (Mother's/Father's Days gift).

 

[MELISAZACK]

I was an only child for 26 yrs. then my Dad had another kid (mistake)
so I consider myself and only child regardless-- My DH was one of 6. the baby at that..
We have 1 child DS who is 11. (same age as my brother). He wishes he had a sibiling but at the same time loves being the only...
I don't regret him being an only child and my DH had the Big "v" so no chance of anymore and I am totally fine with that. DH has determined he was too.
I turned out just fine and I am sure my DS will as well. I think most only children are well adjusted and rounded and if raised correctly can handle any situation that is thrown at them - basicly I was taught to handle what is thrown at me and deal with what I have to and make it work - you will have no one (sibling wise) to help you or do for you so you need to be able to face it an do it alone. I think it worked in my case but I am sure in other situations that isn't the case.
but I wouldn't change it for the world.

 

[Gabes_mommy]

For me, I wouldn't think of having an only child. Had I only been able to have one for medical reasons, I would have adopted. But that's just the way I feel about it. I always pictured myself with a large family...3 was the bare minimum.

Adoption is very expensive (20-30K on average I believe) and that's just not something my DH and I can afford or would be willing to go into debt for. If we had never had DS that would probably be different but since we were blessed with him it's not something I would consider. I do think adoption is a wonderful thing though - I just wish it didn't cost so much.

 

[clutter]

I wouldn't assume that siblings bicker. I have 3 kids...almost 20, 18, and 16 and they get along great. I don't ever remember them "fighting" or "bickering", even when they were little. Getting annoyed with each other, yes, occasional issues, yet, but they get along great and always have.

My sisters and I didn't bicker or fight either. We also rarely spoke. Still to this day, I wish I was closer to my sisters. But they don't do email, and hate talking on the phone (to the point that they will either tell you if you call or will be non-responsive to the point that you will hang up). We'll be in touch about our parents, but not much else. It's really sad.

My dd12 is an only. She says she hates it, but I think she'd hate having a sibling more. And she does recognize the benefits of being an only (especially of a solo parent), specifically the fact that she gets so much of my time.

 

[CathrynRose]

I'm an only child, and wouldn't have had it any other way - EXCEPT FOR when my mom passed away.

She was no longer married, and everything was on me. I had to sign everything. I had to make decisions. And I had no one to talk to that loved her as much as I did. I really wished I had a sibling then.

I remember my g/f's mother passing away and the 4 children went out to Ohio to take care of matters, and reminisced, talked and comforted each other. I didnt like....not that's too soft - I I HATED being the one that *all* fell with no one feeling the way *I* did.

Just another side thought, for you.

 

[RadioNate]

DS was nearly an only.

I am an only child of an only child. I grew up fine. Wasn't a spoiled brat or anything like that. I had a happy childhood. All that.

DH has a sister that is 14 years younger.

But now, as I'm older I really feel the void of a sibling. I also see it in my mom.

My kids have no cousins. My oldest and his Aunt are 14 years apart and while they are kinda close she has her life with college and friends and doesn't really do 'aunt' things. By the time she is married with kids he'll be a teen.

As stupid as it sounds, I've never been anyone's maid of honor, never anyone's godmother...all those 'honors' have been reserved for siblings. And occasionally it makes me sad.

There are no big holiday family get togethers. No family reunions. There is no point because there would only be a few people there.

I see my mom, now in her 60's and she is really alone. It doesn't help that my parents are divorced. Her mom is 90 and she is the sole care giver. It isn't a big burden but my mom can't travel to our house for holidays or birthdays because she can't leave my grandmother. We live about 1200 miles away so that is another factor.

In theory I'd like to think friends can replace the family bond but they don't. We have good friends who are brothers. Our kids are all the same age (well my oldest) and we know the entire family. We are all quite close. Except unintentionally, we are always reminded that we ARN'T family. They never do it to be malicious but it is there. My mom gets the same impression from her best friends family. It just happens.

I worry about when I get older because how am I to care for my parents? They both certainly can't come live with me! I think they'd kill each other! Yet, there is no one else.

For my kids...they are 6 years apart. I too had several miscarriages in between and didn't think #2 would happen. Sure, she is an added expense but I wouldn't trade her in for the world. I think my DS is happy to have her around too. I always wanted 3 and I know that won't happen but I'm glad my kids have eachother.

 

[GeorgiaPeach8]

I had several miscarriages as well before I was fortunate enough to have two pregnancies that went pretty smoothly. It is a heartbreaking experience that no one truly understands unless they have been there.

I think I have a unique experience on this topic. I was an only child for 16 1/2 years. Then, my mom had a surprise pregnancy. I can tell you without a doubt that I LOVE having a sibling. Although my brother is too young to be a great deal of company to me--we aren't best friends, it is still an amazing comfort to know that when my parents are gone there will be another person that shares my heritage.

I have three kids now and siblings fight as much as parents allow it. I'm finding out (the hard way) that you have to teach your kids not to fight with each other and it is d*mn hard. They aren't just automatically bonded b/c they are siblings.

Having said all this...my BFF has struggled with this issue also. She has decided to stop at one. For her, it came down to the idea that if she had a 2nd child it would be to give her 1st one a sibling not b/c she had a burning desire. As much as I love my brother and love watching my kids play together, my BFF is right. This decision is 100% about you (and partner), your 1st born will be fine either way

 

[momof1princess]

I wouldn't assume that siblings bicker. I have 3 kids...almost 20, 18, and 16 and they get along great. I don't ever remember them "fighting" or "bickering", even when they were little. Getting annoyed with each other, yes, occasional issues, yet, but they get along great and always have.

As far as taking care of elderly parents...yeah, that often seems to be left to one kid. And that kid is me, altho I have 4 older siblings.

For me, I wouldn't think of having an only child. Had I only been able to have one for medical reasons, I would have adopted. But that's just the way I feel about it. I always pictured myself with a large family...3 was the bare minimum.

There are so many things to consider, and I'm sure it can be a difficult decision.

We have a trip to Disney coming up, and they're looking forward to going out to dinner and a night out together without us, because they're treating us to dinner at Victoria & Alberts (Mother's/Father's Days gift).

if i had tens of thousands of dollars laying around to adopt a child, i certainly would have already done so.

 

[powellrj]

I remember my g/f's mother passing away and the 4 children went out to Ohio to take care of matters, and reminisced, talked and comforted each other. I didnt like....not that's to soft - I I HATED being the one that *all* fell on.

Just another side thought, for you.

I always assumed it would be like that too, but I will never forget my DH on the phone when his father was in a coma begging his brother to come for one last trip. He told him no, he would just wait until the funeral to come up, keep in mind it was a holiday weekend so he didn't have the excuse he had to work. I planned the funeral and DH took care of everything else. It was so sad. To this day I can't/won't speak to DBIL because of the way be behaved.

Having a sibling is no guarantee.

 

[java]

if i had tens of thousands of dollars laying around to adopt a child, i certainly would have already done so.

Or you could adopt through the US foster care system.


One thing I will add on the "only"
I have an friend that is an Only child. She is in her 40's. Her parents are older and ill. She is the sole responsible party for her parents. She is exhausted.
Now I'm not saying have more children so they'll be someone to take care of you when you are older- I'm just trying to mention the problems that exist down the road sometimes. And I'll add that just because you have more than one doesn't mean that they'll all come together in a time of need.
So there- I have reasons pro and against. I have 4 children. They have friends that are onlies. I do find they are the ones banging on my door looking for someone to play with.