Parents of multiples: To separate or not to separate?

[Winnie23]

My twin girls are four and getting ready for kindergarten next year. Soon we will have to make the decision to keep them together in the same class or put them in separate classes. We are undecided and I am a little stressed. I only want to do what is best for them. I'm looking to hear what others have done, what went well or what didn't go well. My girls used to be shy, but not so much anymore. They are in the same preschool class and do play with others, but mostly with each other. One of them does tend to be the leader, and the other is a bit more shy and clings a little longer when saying goodbye. They are very close and only a few times have they been apart from each other. I see pros and cons of both options. Please share your experiences? Thanks!

 

[DVCLiz]

My twin girls are four and getting ready for kindergarten next year. Soon we will have to make the decision to keep them together in the same class or put them in separate classes. We are undecided and I am a little stressed. I only want to do what is best for them. I'm looking to hear what others have done, what went well or what didn't go well. My girls used to be shy, but not so much anymore. They are in the same preschool class and do play with others, but mostly with each other. One of them does tend to be the leader, and the other is a bit more shy and clings a little longer when saying goodbye. They are very close and only a few times have they been apart from each other. I see pros and cons of both options. Please share your experiences? Thanks!

I have a twin brother. We were in preschool and kindergarten together, but were separated in first grade and always were in different classes until high school. We may have had one or two high school classes together - I don't really remember. We had different interests and we were different kinds of students.

I don't know if having two of the same sex would make a difference or not - but most twins I know have been in separate classes and have done well. As long as they are able to be apart from each other without too much difficulty, I would encourage you to think about putting them in different classes fairly soon. They will have plenty of family time to be together, so school is one of the places they can learn to be individual.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

My twin girls are four and getting ready for kindergarten next year. Soon we will have to make the decision to keep them together in the same class or put them in separate classes. We are undecided and I am a little stressed. I only want to do what is best for them. I'm looking to hear what others have done, what went well or what didn't go well. My girls used to be shy, but not so much anymore. They are in the same preschool class and do play with others, but mostly with each other. One of them does tend to be the leader, and the other is a bit more shy and clings a little longer when saying goodbye. They are very close and only a few times have they been apart from each other. I see pros and cons of both options. Please share your experiences? Thanks!

I don't have twins, so can't help you with any personal experience.

However, our district does not allow twins to be in the same classroom. They claim that all the studies have shown that they ultimately do better apart than together.

Take if for what it is worth

 

[minniecarousel]

My brother & SIL have triplets (one girl/two boys). They were all together in pre-school, but were split up starting in kindergarten. They're in 6th grade now, and the boys are together. Up 'til now, they'd been apart.

I think it's better for them to be apart for school. At least, that's what I've observed and been told by my brother.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Not a parent of, but a sibling of twins. They were separated - possibly as early as kindergarten, but definitely all the way through from first grade to graduation. Different personalities, different learning styles, different goals... I'm relatively certain it was school department policy.

 

[Winnie23]

We live in Minnesota, like many other states, there is a law that allows parents to choose if multiples are in same class or not.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

There is a ton of current information online. Here's a start:

Twins/Multiples in School

Part 1: Making the Decision About Classroom Placement http://multiples.about.com/cs/twinsinschool/a/twinsinschool.htm

Part 2: Reasons to Separate Twins or Multiples Into Different Classes http://multiples.about.com/cs/twinsinschool/a/twinsinschool_2.htm

Part 3: Keeping Multiples Together in the Same Class http://multiples.about.com/cs/twinsinschool/a/twinsinschool_3.htm

Twins in School: When Schools Mandate Classroom Placement of Twins http://multiples.about.com/od/twinsinschool/a/twinsschoollaw.htm

Research in Support of
"Twins in the Classroom" Legislation http://www.ramotc.org/TwinsLegislationResearch.html

Should Twins Be Separated In School? http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/06/29/earlyshow/contributors/debbyeturner/main2997714.shtml

Good luck in your decion (from another MOT)!

 

[dollarmite]

I don't have multiples, but if I did I would definitely separate them.

All the twins I went to school with were in separate classes from the very first day. Having siblings in the same class was an unheard of concept.

DS will be in grade 5 this year and he has a set of identical twin girls in his year. Their mother is a teacher at the school and has insisted that the girls be kept together every year thus far.

As an observer I personally think this a disservice to both the girls and their classmates, for quite a few reasons. Firstly, the girls are almost treated as one unit. Uniforms are worn at our school so there's no distinction due to clothes. They both wear the same hairstyle, instead of one in, say, plaits and the other in pigtails. Interestingly, on free dress days they wear very different clothes so I suspect it's the mother who has the issue with letting them separate moreso than the girls.

They seem to spend a lot of their time correcting people as to their names, and seem very codependent. At a birthday party for their very close friend, Twin 1 spent her time in tears because Twin 2 was at home sick. The twins had spent lots of time with their friend and her family over the years and the twins' father was there, so it wasn't as though she was all on her lonseome amongst strangers, but because Twin 2 wasn't there Twin 1 was basically falling apart. It was a very sad indication of their codependence.

The other thing I've observed with these girls over the years is that the teachers often feel obliged to keep things 'equal' between them. If one gets a classroom helper award one week, the other will the following week. This is really unfair to the other kids in the class as they are missing out on awards/recognition, just so one sibling doesn't feel left out.

More than once I've overheard one of their classmates say that no one needs to bother trying for the classroom award next week as they already know that Twin 2 will be getting it. Plus, if I was one of those girls, I'd wonder if I had really deserved that award/recognition, or whether it was just given to me to keep things 'fair'.

They usually get similar marks/excel in the same subjects, but the one time they didn't, the mother was most put out that the second girl didn't get an award, and of course the twin who missed out was upset wondering why she didn't get an award when her sister did. The one getting the award felt guilty for doing so. It was a real mess.

Despite this they are lovely girls, but the longer it's left, the harder it will be when they DO have to go their separate ways.

 

[bananda]

my little sisters are twins and have always been in the same class, being at a small school and all. they haven't had any problems wiht it, but recenty asked to be separated. they are 15 now

 

[PaulaSB12]

My sister has triplets 2 girls and a boy. They where in the same class until they moved to their current school at 11. Then they where all moved to seperate classes.

 

[disfan07]

My best friends are twins and they have been in seperate classes since we all started preschool at 3.

They only had maybe 1 or 2 classes together in high school,....thats it. They are now at the same college together but their majors are differnt and they are taking different classes.

We had 3 sets of twins in my grade in elementary school. None o fthem were ever in the same class. I think its better if twins are apart. At our school, they were able to see each other at recess and lunch and sometimes gym class (2 classes were together) but other than that, they really had a chance to become their own person.

Personally, I think its better if multiples are separated especially if they have a tendency to play more with each other than with other kids. I think the earlier the better for them to try and make friends on their own.

 

[TwinsinCA]

I have twins and fortunately they go to a school that gives parents a say in their placement. My daughters are in 4th grade and have been in the same class since they started school. They are identical and even though they don't dress alike, people do get them mixed up. They take that in stride though. I have asked them if it gets to them and they shrug it off. That is probably the biggest downside of them being in the same class.

It makes life a lot easier for all of us to have them in the same class. They have the same homework, get invited to the same birthday parties, etc. As a parent I am never forced to choose which field trip I can go on or which class party to attend (this is less of an issue now, but in K and 1st grade parents came to the parties). Instead of splitting my time between two classes when I volunteer, I can stay until whatever needs to get done is done. I know that any parent with more than one child will have these issues too, but it is nice when they are the same age that there is a way around them.

My daughters are so similar academically that there is no real competition there. And neither is the leader or the follower, so I am not worried that one will be particularly lost without the other. They also don't sit together in class. So even though they are in the same room, they are not interacting often.

I have asked them if they want to be in separate classes. This summer one of my daughters said she didn't care, that is the closest to a yes I have gotten from either one of them. If they wanted to be split up, I would certainly go along with it. But for now it works out well. In two years they will be in middle school and I'm sure they will rarely end up in the same class.

 

[mjkacmom]

I kept mine together in kindy, BUT they rarely played with each other in class. Dd7 is more dominant, and tends to mother her brother, so that was a problem (for ds7 - the teacher thought it was great, because she'd tell him to behave). Even though the kindy teacher thought they would be okay to be together in first, ds7 asked to be separated. His behavior has improved a lot!

In your situation, I'd probably separate, if they tend to play together exclusively, or most of the time. I like the fact that they get invited on playdates and to birthday parties without each other. Before they started school, they spend every moment of the day together - the first day of first grade was the longest they had ever been apart!

 

[Diva of Dragons]

It seems to me that it totally depends on the kids. One of my concerns about keeping them together would be that the teacher might continuously compare them to each other. So, if one is struggling academically and the other isn't, things might be unintentionally said that make the first one feel bad. ...Same thing for behavioral issues.

I read the other responses and you have a lot of food for thought. You know your kids best. You could try it one way this year and change it next year if you don't think it's working out too.

 

[Disney Ella]

The school also left the choice up to us. We kept them together in kindergarten and then separated them beginning in first grade. They are identical and people have always had a hard time telling them apart. When they are together, they are always "the twins." Separating them gave their classmates the chance to see them as individuals and taught them some self-reliance, since it's not like they are going to be together their whole lives. Another reason that I separated them in first grade is that we were considering moving to a school district that did not allow twins to be together and I thought it would be better to separate them early before they got too used to being together.

The first two days of first grade were a little rough, but now they tell me that they are glad I separated them. There is another set of twins in their grade who wanted to be separated, but their mother refused, even though the kids wanted to be in separate classrooms. When my kids got to junior high, they were both placed in the upper level classes and they weren't so happy about having most of their classes together, although now that they are in the 8th grade they have adjusted to that.

I think the decision really must be made based on the personalities of the twins. In kindergarten, my kids relied on each other too much and I think it would have been too hard to adjust to kindergarten and being separated at the same time.

 

[Green Tea]

Separate classrooms!

 

[suzieqinga]

I have identical twin boys. They were in the same 3-year-old preschool class and did fine. When they were in 4-year-old Pre-k, they were separated due to the school's policy. I don't think I can explain why, but I just don't think they were ready to be separated at that point. I really feel that they would have been much happier in the same classroom. We have never treated our boys as one unit or referred to them as "the twins." We didn't dress them alike or give them twinsy names. But there certainly is a bond unique to twins.

The next year for kindergarten, I asked the principal if they could be placed in the same class, and she allowed it. They had a great year. They really did not interact with each other any more than with any other student. They were never in the same small group within the class (reading groups, etc.). I suppose there was just a comfort in having the other one in the same room.

After experiencing a great year of school, they were both ready to be in separate classes. So from first grade forward they were separated, and they have done well in school ever since. Now they are in high school, and they frequently end up with classes together because they are so similar academically. They hate having classes together now, but that's a different story...

Best of luck to you OP in making the decision that's right for your family.

 

[mtemm]

mine are in kindergarten now and we chose not to, at least not yet. it is going very well! we did ask that they be at separate tables within the class, which helps foster independence.

most likely we will separate in 2nd grade. they are in a looping class (same teacher k-1). I had left it up in the air whether to loop both kids or only one, but have decided that they are doing so well that no change at this point.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Take my reply as "second-class" because I'm not a parent of twins myself, but I work in schools and have seen both ways play out, so I am willing to try to be helpful if I can. -

If twin 2 still has a little trouble leaving you at school, she might need one more year of the extra security of having someone familiar there with her, especially if K is in a different building then preschool (as that's another transition in itself). I might give them K together and not worry about seperating until 1st. I'm not sure she'll fully get the benefit of "making her own friends" until she's ready for it.

By 1st you will also have an idea of whether they are very different students academically, in which case I would definitely seperate.

And it's OK to find out what the girls expect. It's not their decision at this age, I know, but it's helpful to know what they're thinking. Talk to each of them seperately (so they are not worried about hurting the other's feelings) - or even have someone else talk to them, if you think they will try to figure out what you want to hear - to get an idea of what they want. Don't let on that it's your decision - just ask "Do you hope you and ___ are in the same class next year, or different classes?" as if it's just luck-of-the-draw. You may find out that they would both be horrified at seperation, or that one is feeling squashed and secretly hopes to have her own chance to shine.

Also remember that your feelings count as well. (What someone said about the convenience of having them together is true, for instance. So is what someone else said about how nice it can be to have time alone with each of them. Give yourself permission to think about what you would really like.) The girls will get advantages out of either placement - different advantages in each situation, but still, something good either way. How happy Mommy is with the decision, however, will definitely color their feelings.

And a last important piece of advice. - If/when you do seperate, if it is a large enough school that there are more than 2 teachers per grade - ask that they be placed with teachers with similar homework policies!

 

[Sgt Mickey]

We seperated ours and they were still next door to each other for support. BUT they did awesome.