Parents of multiples: To separate or not to separate?

[5lilfish]

My twins are only 2 1/2. I'll be asking you for advice in a couple years...lol.

I think it is a very personal decision that needs to be made case-by-case. Some help, huh?! Truthfully though...my DH is a triplet (all boys). They were seperated in Kindergarten and he doesn't seem to remember it being very tramatic. On the other hand, I know adult twins (boys) that say they still remember how tramatic it was.

It used to be thought that seperating was the way to go. Now a lot of research says that keeping them together, at least in Kindergarten, is beneficial. Who know what they will say in 10 yrs. My little twinkies go to a low key (90 min, twice a week) preschool. Obviously, they are together now. They do play seperately at school, but they also look for each other (if one gets a toy, they will bring that same toy to their twin). I also have 1 twin that is more aggressive than the other. This same twin, so far, seems to do things about 1 tiny step before her sister (nothing big or concerning). I can see why that might be a problem in real school. It will be a very hard decision. I can say, if I feel they should stay together, I will fight like heck to make that happen.

Good luck. Please let me know what you decide and keep us updated on how your twins do.

Jess

 

[5lilfish]

I wanted to add one more thing:

A friend of mine was forced to seperate her twins in kindergarten. She wasn't too upset over that. The big problem was they gave her girls 2 extremely different teachers. One twin had all these cool things going on in the classroom and the other didn't. It was a very bad situation to deal with. The twin with the less creative teacher really resented seeing her sister do all these things.

So...if we do seperate, I will ask for 2 teachers that are similar.

Jess

 

[golfgal]

We have boy/girl twins that are in 9th grade. Growing up there were 3 other sets of twins in their class at school and in our oldest son's class there were 5 sets. ALL of these twin families kept their kids together in kindergarten, including us. We didn't feel the kids were ready to be apart all day(we had full day kindergarten). Their teacher commented that she could see that they checked on each other throughout the day but didn't spend all of their time together. She did a good job having them at different tables so they wouldn't be totally together.

In first grade the kids asked to be in separate classes so we did that and they were fine. In 4th grade we did not like one of the teachers so we requested they be in the same class that year and they did fine. In 5th grade they went to a middle school style, switching classes, so they had about 1/2 of their classes together and it was fine. In 8th grade by a freak of scheduling they had all of their classes together. They were fine and it was REALLY nice for homework. Now in 9th grade they have a few classes together but they actually have all of the same teachers, different hours for some of them, so again, homework is REALLY nice.

There are pros and cons to doing both but I would go with the cues from the kids. When our kids were in separate elementary classes they would quiz each other on spelling words but when they were together, we did that.

All through school they had pretty much the same circle of friends but had their own "best" friends. They still don't like to be apart for long periods of time. If one of them has a sleepover, for example, they will spend a couple hours the next day "catching up". They will go into one of their rooms and chat for a couple hours. It is really fun to watch. COLLEGE is going to be interesting for them.

I would say for kindergarten, keep them together. School is a big enough of an adjustment for any kid and for twins to throw them into school AND separate them it just extra hard. Most people don't understand the twin bond and they try to make them "separate" when the twins really don't understand that concept as they have never had a time where they weren't "together".

 

[swald91]

I don't, but have a cousin who has twin girls. They decided NOT to have them in the same class-they wanted them to make their own friends-etc. Seems to be working out well so far...

 

[Kae]

Again someone who doesn't have twins but have you talked to their Pre-School teacher.

Kae

 

[mickeyboat]

Dds are not twins, but because they are less than a year apart in age, they ended up in the same grade. They are in 4th grade, now.

I had them separated from day one, and I am glad I did. I can't imagine them being together 24/7 - not only would they probably kill one another, their teacher would spend the entire day telling them to stop bugging one another. I can't think of anyone in the world I would want to be with every minute of every day.

When DD were in pre-k, there were three sets of "twins" - including mine. I was the only parent who separated them. I spoke to the other parents about their decisions, and they said they kept them together so that one twin could be there to help their learning disabled sibling. The next year both sets were separated.

Being in separate classrooms really forces them to make their own friends and allows them to learn at their own pace. There is still competition but it isn't intolerable. Since their curriculums are similar, they tend to have the same homework and they participate in many of the same after school activities. They also have lunch and recess together, as well as grade-wide activities, so they still interact with one another at school daily.

When they were little, they definitely gravitated toward one another whenever they had the chance (and the teachers would encourage them to visit one another if they asked to). Now I find that they don't generally stick together all the time. And I am glad.

As far as class parties and field trips, their teachers are very aware of the situation and do their best to accomodate me being able to be in both classrooms at some point. If I chaperone small groups, the teachers will often put both girls in my group.

Don't fret too much about this decision. If one way does not work out, you can try something different.

Good luck!

 

[diznygirl]

Pretty much it's 50/50 in all the studies. It boils down to their personalities and what you are comfortable with for your own situation.

 

[puffkin]

I am a B/G twin and we were separated in preschool. I was by far the dominant twin and apparently the teachers had had no idea what my brother could or couldn't do since I did everything for him. So, they seperated us in preschool and we were seperated since. In ms/hs we did have some classes together here and there, but by that point it didn't matter.

As a twin, I would not have wanted to be in a class with my brother. I hate being referred to as a twin. We are two seperate people, but when we were together (especially when smaller) we were often referred to as one unit and compared against each other a lot. It was very healthy for us to have seperate classes, seperate teacher relationships, seperate groups of friends etc. We played together a lot out of school, but it was nice to have our own time. My brother had his own class plays, field trips, school projects, etc. I had my own. They were UNIQUE and special to us and not just one more shared experience.

I would try to seperate them if possible. I don't think you will regret the decision!

 

[4forMe]

Our school allows parents to keep twins together. I kept my fraternal twins together for kindergarten because I wanted them to have the best K teacher in the school (their older brother had her and our school tends to place siblings with the same teachers their older brothers/sisters had). I was very happy with this decision.

By the end of K, it was apparent that one twin was struggling academically while the other was at the top of his class for reading. I therefore separated them starting in first grade. This has worked well thus far. My one son is in the gifted program and the other twin doesn't have to see him being pulled out for those activities. They each have totally separate interests and different sets of friends. It does get cumbersome regarding homework because they often do not have tests, etc. on the same day. It's worth the extra organization on my part, though, to have them separated at this time.

Only you can decide what would be best for your twins.

Good luck with your decision.

 

[mom2rb]

When my boys were starting kindergarten, the school had a policy that they had to be apart. They were not ready. I know what is better for my children more than a school rule does. I decided to homeschool them instead.

Now my boys go to a very small private school, there are only ten kids in each grade. They have never had a problem being together. They do different sports in the afternoon and have different friends through their sports. In fact when we have birthday parties they invite their school friends and their sports friends. Most of their sports friends had no idea that they were twins.

 

[Ember]

I have seen positives for both situations and think it really depends on the children.

However, in the case of identical twins, sending them to school each day in the same outfit with the same hair style is just mean when they're in the same class! (Didn't happen in my class, but sure did to another teacher.) On top of that, the parents didn't seem to understand why their kids were the only ones still wearing name tags after the first few weeks. . .

 

[5lilfish]

I have seen positives for both situations and think it really depends on the children.

However, in the case of identical twins, sending them to school each day in the same outfit with the same hair style is just mean when they're in the same class! (Didn't happen in my class, but sure did to another teacher.) On top of that, the parents didn't seem to understand why their kids were the only ones still wearing name tags after the first few weeks. . .

As I said before, my girls (identical) are only 2 1/2. They go to a preschool program for 90 minutes, twice a week. I would never dress them the same on a school day. Actually, I don't dress them exactly the same very often anymore. I LOVE outfits that are coordinating. A few stores (Old Navy, children's Place, Gap, etc) sell the same outfit in different colors. Or I will dress them in the same pants with different color tops.

If I decide to keep the girls together for Kindergarten, one of the things that worries me is that they might have to constantly answer, "Which on are you?" The other thing that worries me is that I could go into a conference and here "They" instead of hearing about each child individually. I want the teacher to know each of the girls for their individual strengths and weaknesses. I'd love to hear how those issues went for parents that kept their twins together.

Jess

 

[Ember]

If I decide to keep the girls together for Kindergarten, one of the things that worries me is that they might have to constantly answer, "Which on are you?" The other thing that worries me is that I could go into a conference and here "They" instead of hearing about each child individually. I want the teacher to know each of the girls for their individual strengths and weaknesses. I'd love to hear how those issues went for parents that kept their twins together.

Jess

No teacher worth their salt would ever treat children as a "they." Even if identical twins. They may be cases where the twins are so similar is some ways that it's just a verbal short cut to say "they," but I honestly can't see any teacher evaluating two children as a unit.

As for the "which one are you?" that I can see being a problem. Of course, you could maybe get them little necklaces with their names or something as a quick visual reminder for the staff at the school... I've had twins before in my class, but not identical, and even then it took me weeks before I wasn't calling them by the others name...

 

[puffkin]

As I said before, my girls (identical) are only 2 1/2. They go to a preschool program for 90 minutes, twice a week. I would never dress them the same on a school day. Actually, I don't dress them exactly the same very often anymore. I LOVE outfits that are coordinating. A few stores (Old Navy, children's Place, Gap, etc) sell the same outfit in different colors. Or I will dress them in the same pants with different color tops.

If I decide to keep the girls together for Kindergarten, one of the things that worries me is that they might have to constantly answer, "Which on are you?" The other thing that worries me is that I could go into a conference and here "They" instead of hearing about each child individually. I want the teacher to know each of the girls for their individual strengths and weaknesses. I'd love to hear how those issues went for parents that kept their twins together.

Jess

I posted earlier in the thread because I am a B/G twin....but I wanted to add my experience coaching. I coach Youth Field Hockey and last year I had a set of 6th grade identical twins on my team. I felt so terrible because I honestly could not tell them apart. Their game shirts had their first initial on them, but they had long hair and I couldn't see it most of the time. Our policy was that all girls had to play all positions, so I couldnt' even keep them straight by position since they constantly were rotating.

We had a coaching shortage and I was by myself most of the time. Horribly, for the good of all the girls, I had to only play one twin at a time. When they were both in I was constantly yelling the wrong name and confusing everyone. The few times I did have help I could play them both and have one coach concentrate on "H" and one on "C".

I did speak to their parents and they were very understanding about it. It wasn't as big of a deal at practice since they could wear different colors, but in uniform it was really difficult. I gave the parents the option of helping out on the sideline so I could play them both at the same time, but they declined

I just wanted to share my experience to parents of identical twins so you can see how difficult it can be for teachers/coaches. I felt bad, but I had 12 other girls to worry about too!

 

[5lilfish]

No teacher worth their salt would ever treat children as a "they." Even if identical twins. They may be cases where the twins are so similar is some ways that it's just a verbal short cut to say "they," but I honestly can't see any teacher evaluating two children as a unit....

I don't think a teacher would go that far. I'm more worried about subtle observations. I know how hard it is. I have 5 kids. The twins are my last 2. We call them the twins sometimes. I don't have a big hang up about that. They are twins. We dress them alike sometimes (not for school/church though). I don't have a problem with that either. We dressed my older girls alike too and they're not twins. We know them quite well individually and, of course, we talk to and about them by their individual names most of the time. Before they were born, and even now, we refer to our older 2 DD's (now 9 and 11) as "the girls." We even jokingly call our oldest the 'boy child' (it is a joke). Anyway....I could see how hard it would be to avoid saying something like, "Taylor is struggling a little bit with her sight words. Bailey is picking them up faster but Taylor is coming along." I guess I don't want one child's ability held up to the other child's. I don't think a teacher would try to do that but I also think, if they are together, it would be a little inevitable. One twin has consitantly done things just a tiny bit ahead of the other. Both girls, thankfully are developmentally ahead of where they need to be so it was never a concern...but it was hard not to notice. As I said, I am not worried about either twin. They will probably leap frog each other often (they aren't going to learn the same things on the same day)...I just don't want to hear about what one is doing in terms of what the other is doing.

Jess

 

[dislal]

Our school district has a policy (unwritten, I think) that they keep twins together in Kindergarten then separate them after that. I have a friend who has twins and she said that worked out great, because being together in kindergarten gave them a chance to get used to the school and other kids, then when first grade came it wasn't so hard to separate them.

 

[5lilfish]

Our school district has a policy (unwritten, I think) that they keep twins together in Kindergarten then separate them after that. I have a friend who has twins and she said that worked out great, because being together in kindergarten gave them a chance to get used to the school and other kids, then when first grade came it wasn't so hard to separate them.

That's what I am hoping for....unless I really feel they need to be seperated.

Jess

 

[Ember]

Anyway....I could see how hard it would be to avoid saying something like, "Taylor is struggling a little bit with her sight words. Bailey is picking them up faster but Taylor is coming along." I guess I don't want one child's ability held up to the other child's. I don't think a teacher would try to do that but I also think, if they are together, it would be a little inevitable. One twin has consitantly done things just a tiny bit ahead of the other. Both girls, thankfully are developmentally ahead of where they need to be so it was never a concern...but it was hard not to notice. As I said, I am not worried about either twin. They will probably leap frog each other often (they aren't going to learn the same things on the same day)...I just don't want to hear about what one is doing in terms of what the other is doing.

Jess

Okay, I see what you mean. I can see why you're concerned, too. I think you're right that if they're in the same class those types of comparisons will be inevitable. One solution might be to talk to the teacher at the start of the year and let him/her know your worries so they can be more active in not doing it. But I bet it still happens anyway, even with the best of intentions.

 

[Pooh Crew]

Mom of triplets here...

Together or apart totally depends on the kids. Be honest with yourself and ask what they need. Talk to their preschool teacher-talk to the kindergarten teachers at the school, too.

We kept ours together for k simply because it was easy AND because there was no reason to separate. My three were totally independent. The teacher said she never had the first problem with them being together. After k, I simply asked that each child be placed with the best teacher for that child. They were separate for first and each child did get the perfect teacher for him/her/her. They loved having their own teacher! We had another great year. For each grade since, I only ask that they place my children according to each's individual needs. And each year since first grade, the teachers have placed the kids in a two/one split. My kids don't care if they are together or apart, still no dependancy issues, teachers say it works great for them, and I get the benefit of similar homework.

 

[Pinkpony]

I have twin boys that are on the shy side. They were separated at the school's request in kindergarten mainly because they're identical and they thought it would be confusing to the teacher if they were in the same class. It was really hard on them. Really, really hard. The whole year.

When first grade rolled around, they were ready to be in separate classes. They're now juniors in high school and would cry at the thought of being in class together.

I think 4 yrs old is a little young to separate them. I'd try putting it off until they're at least entering 1st grade.

Good luck!

Pink