Parents of College Kids (Even If They Are Out of College)

[The Mystery Machine]

I get what you are saying and I don't want to come off sounding like I am disagreeing and arguing because I'm not. But I know things don't come off well on a board and I tend to let things fly off the keyboard.

So...in tangent with what you've said: I want nothing MORE then for her to do things on her own and be her own person. The problem is: she won't. This particular activity is something that she certainly could have and should have planned weeks back to do it in such a way that she wanted. She did not do that and she refused to talk about it. This thing had to be done and she "didn't want to deal with it." I was sent information on this activity from the parents club at the school who was also hosting the activity in their fashion/manner for a fee. I said "Do you want to do it this way?" She said "yeah, that's fine." We have talked about it several times because there was a point that we could have gotten a refund on it. So, essentially, all the way through this she took no responsibility, was happy to have me do it and pay for it, and agreed with me. Until the day before the activity when someone approached her to include her in their plans. This "someone" is her supposed best friend and they talk everyday. They just never got around to discussing this.

Honestly, if I thought that taking the money from her would make her think, I'd do it. I don't want the money. What I want is for her to take some responsibility.

On top of this thing, she has managed to lose her dorm keys ($75 charged to her student account), and couldn't find the time to get to her counselor to get registered for next semester. So she had to do late registration and didn't get a few classes she needed. I kept my mouth shut about both of those things. I guess this was the proverbial last straw.

So coming from my view, do you still think it's just a matter of spreading her wings?

If she is not taking responsibilty for a ROOM KEY no way is hell would I let my kid live in an apartment for sophomore year.

FWIW, my dd is floundering as well. She will be in a dorm next yr., unless she can show us facts & figures of where, who, & how much.

I think this is just your message that she is not ready for apartment living.

 

[punkin]

The positive aspect that keeps things going is that she DOES go to her classes, she does all her work, and for her (not the greatest student in high school) she's doing okay with her grades.

This is what I would focus on. Everything else - let go. She needs to take responsibility and if she doesn't then she will have to deal with the consequences.

 

[snykymom]

At her school, work-study is only available on a need basis and we don't qualify for need. Also, when I filled out the FAFSA, we were only eligible for student loans in my name and none in hers so she can't even access any money if I stop paying for her school. Not at least until she is no longer my dependent and she files her own FAFSA, but that probably won't work for her until she's been on her own for a year.

It won't work until she's 24, or married, or a veteran, or a parent who contributes 50% or more to the child's upbringing, or a couple of other things. Those are the rules for FAFSA, even for our nominal "adults."

I get what you are saying and I don't want to come off sounding like I am disagreeing and arguing because I'm not. But I know things don't come off well on a board and I tend to let things fly off the keyboard.

So...in tangent with what you've said: I want nothing MORE then for her to do things on her own and be her own person. The problem is: she won't. This particular activity is something that she certainly could have and should have planned weeks back to do it in such a way that she wanted. She did not do that and she refused to talk about it. This thing had to be done and she "didn't want to deal with it." I was sent information on this activity from the parents club at the school who was also hosting the activity in their fashion/manner for a fee. I said "Do you want to do it this way?" She said "yeah, that's fine." We have talked about it several times because there was a point that we could have gotten a refund on it. So, essentially, all the way through this she took no responsibility, was happy to have me do it and pay for it, and agreed with me. Until the day before the activity when someone approached her to include her in their plans. This "someone" is her supposed best friend and they talk everyday. They just never got around to discussing this.

Honestly, if I thought that taking the money from her would make her think, I'd do it. I don't want the money. What I want is for her to take some responsibility.

On top of this thing, she has managed to lose her dorm keys ($75 charged to her student account), and couldn't find the time to get to her counselor to get registered for next semester. So she had to do late registration and didn't get a few classes she needed. I kept my mouth shut about both of those things. I guess this was the proverbial last straw.

So coming from my view, do you still think it's just a matter of spreading her wings?

I think that even if this activity would end up being your ultimate responsibility, you need to let her sink, then follow up on your responsibility in whatever way that doesn't depend on her.

She may legally be an adult, but until she proves herself an adult by accepting responsibility (like keeping track of mandatory activities, planning for them, keeping her dorm key, getting registered, etc), she's not one.

At this point, I would pay tuition & room & board (okay, maybe books). Nothing else. No activities, mandatory or otherwise, no transportation to events, no nights out. Nothing. The Bank of Mom is closed. You can't afford her any more, and by bailing her out you're not doing her any favors.

If she is not taking responsibilty for a ROOM KEY no way is hell would I let my kid live in an apartment for sophomore year.

Amen to THAT!

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, when my SILs kids started the "I'm an adult" when they were in their Freshman year of college, she made up a list of all the things she paid for for them and presented it to them with the statement "An adult pays their own way, so this is what you woe me".

The tune changed quickly, and believe me when I tell you my SIL was not at all over-protective or controlling. But she did get tired of them thinking that they did not need to participate in any family activity or keep the common areas of the house tidy (read...not leave their crap all over the place), but they would still reap the beneifts of having Mom and Dad pay for everything.

 

[Christine]

Well, she ended up doing what she/we had signed up for. This wasn't a fun or extra thing, this was something that had to be done. Having me pay for it was for MY benefit. Had I not paid for it, I was going to have to go to the school and provide a parental input. The $150 fee was my "buyout" so to speak. The other option was for her to work with a friend on it. She couldn't bother to work on that and we both agreed weeks ago on the buyout because I could not be there due to understaffing in my office. Many other kids are also doing the buyout thing so she's not alone in that AT all.

As for her dorm keys, they were on a lanyard around her neck. The lanyard broke as she was out walking on main street and she wasn't aware of it until later. Stuff like that happens and she's really always usually been very good about it (never lost a house key, never lost a car key). She retraced her steps and couldn't find them. My irritation over the keys was that she had NO intention of reporting them missing until the end of the year (May). At least she has gone and done that.

To answer some other comments: I pay for her tuition, dorm room, meal plan, and books. I don't provide her with any spending money. She has saved that from her job (but only because I forced her to put 15% of her earnings in a saving account). Had I not insisted, she would have blown it all. The only money I give her is for things that are required for her courses (and the $150 was related to that).

As for apartment living in her sophmore year, she is on a list to live in a campus apartment (an annex of one of the dorms) however we have been told that campus living for upper classman is EXTREMELY limited and pretty much don't count on it. So I don't have much of a choice on the off-campus housing if that is the way it goes.

 

[NotUrsula]

I was sent information on this activity from the parents club at the school who was also hosting the activity in their fashion/manner for a fee.

Parent's Club? There's a parent's club at a university? Oh, Lordy, that is wrong in SO many ways.

 

[Christine]

Parent's Club? There's a parent's club at a university? Oh, Lordy, that is wrong in SO many ways.

Actually, not quite.

There is an overall parents organization that has been at this university for many years. They organize things like move-in day and they are very good at getting information out and organizing some of the schools major activities that they do (Habitat for Humanity is one example). My daughter is an out of state student, yet we have about 500 kids from our area that attend this school. Our town also has a large alumni group living here. So we have a local chapter of the parents club. They do things like organize charter busses to get the students home for holidays, organize ski trips from the school to the local resort during the week, and they also connect local alumni who spend much more time at the school to help out with certain requirements of majors (as is what is going on with my DD).

So, it's not really like a "helicopter" club or anything. I am not a member of this club, I just sort of take advantage of what they offer to help.

For instance, I don't have to drive up and back to the school for holidays, the charter bus run by the club will bring her home.