Parents--did your views on spanking change once you had children?

[katerkat]

Oh yeah. I hate to say it, but our kids will be the leaders in the future and not the followers. It makes it all worth it, YKWIM? NO ONE will ever take advantage of my DD. She will not allow it. It's a pain now, but I know that I am raising a self reliant adult.

Oh, see, and I know I'm in trouble with the opposite. Russ is a REALLY good kid now ---- but he's such a follower. I'm worried about high school when "all the kids" are doing something - drugs, alcohol, swimming with sharks - and my little sheep will just go right along with it.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Oh, see, and I know I'm in trouble with the opposite. Russ is a REALLY good kid now ---- but he's such a follower. I'm worried about high school when "all the kids" are doing something - drugs, alcohol, swimming with sharks - and my little sheep will just go right along with it.

I worried about that a lot with my oldest son, who is now a HS senior. He does tend to be more of a follower and he just cruises along, but he's really stayed out of trouble. He's turned into such a confident young man and I really respect him (when he's not making me nuts ).

 

[darlak]

Oh, see, and I know I'm in trouble with the opposite. Russ is a REALLY good kid now ---- but he's such a follower. I'm worried about high school when "all the kids" are doing something - drugs, alcohol, swimming with sharks - and my little sheep will just go right along with it.

That's where having so many children comes in handy. Hopefully the stronger ones will protect the more passive ones.

I pity the first boy to break my DD14's heart. He'll have to answer to me, DH, DS23, DD29 (and her husband), and DD20 (and her husband).

DD20 was my strong-willed child. She is also the one I have the most in common with and frankly, the one I most enjoy just hanging out with. Spanking didn't faze her, but I must add, she does still respect me.

 

[katerkat]

I keep hoping that he's going to be like me and will remain easy-going enough that peer pressure doesn't bug him. So far he does seem to be my clone, personality-wise, but I worry when, like tonight, I hear his friend suggest sliding off the couch using moving boxes, and him saying, "Oh, ok!" Of course my little genius was the first to bust his butt in the attempt.

 

[darlak]

I keep hoping that he's going to be like me and will remain easy-going enough that peer pressure doesn't bug him. So far he does seem to be my clone, personality-wise, but I worry when, like tonight, I hear his friend suggest sliding off the couch using moving boxes, and him saying, "Oh, ok!" Of course my little genius was the first to bust his butt in the attempt.

I wouldn't worry too much. My son (now 23) was the same way. He didn't and still doesn't like conflict (he gets that from his dad) and was willing to just go along with most things just to make the other person happy. However, he's also my child with the strongest moral compass and the keenest sense of right and wrong. About jr. high age, he decided that being different was okay and I think he even came to enjoy it. He developed enough self-confidence to just not care what others thought. He's still a good kid, but really didn't seem to become completely comfortable in his own skin until he was an older teenager.

Mothers love him and all of the elderly folks at our tiny church think he can just do no wrong. At 23, he's finally fallen in love and blossomed in new ways. I'm so proud to call him my friend as well as my son. I can say though, that parenting him was a totally different experience than parenting any of my daughters. That's not to say he didn't present his own challenges.

 

[Magpie]

Just as I've noted in every other spanking thread, I've done many of the same things that miraculously worked for other children. I have done that with whining. I don't know how MANY times. My kid still whines. Doesn't work with him, somehow he is not like everyone else's children. You'll be happy to know I don't spank him for it though. It's just one of those minor annoyances I don't choose to turn into a fight, I just keep telling him, for WAY more than the 17th time, not to whine, and I ignore any requests till he speaks them in a normal voice. Maybe he'll learn someday, maybe I am just a bad parent.

I don't think you're a bad parent! You know what? Sometimes the solution is having one of *his* friends point out that he's whining. Because he doesn't care what you think about it.

Every kid is different and the solution is different in every situation.

And I'm sure he'll learn eventually - or they'll be mocking him severely in grade school, and he'll learn then! I'm a big believer in picking your battles, so long as my child isn't making any one *else's* life unpleasant.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

I did not ever really think about spanking before kids. I grew up being MORE than spanked. I knew I wasn't going to beat my kids.

Once I had kids, I never really had to spank. Just speak sternly, and they stopped whatever they were doing. I would count ...1-2.....always stopped at 2.

My sister spanks my nephew, and it bothers me. I am glad my kids will grow up and be able to say they were never spanked as a child.

As babies, I did spank their hand or butt if they were in danger of hurting themselves, but not to disipline. OK, ONCE I spanked my DS's butt because he was hurting the cat. It was something I had warned him to stop doing. So, when he picked the cat up by her front paws, I lost it. It felt really strange to be whacking his butt at his age (8), but you know, he has not hurt the cat ever since.

 

[Magpie]

Now that is not an approach I would ever use. I just don't believe that you can correct unacceptable behavior by mimicking it. I would have given him a warning and told him what the consequence would be if he repeated the unacceptable behavior. Than I would have followed through with whatever I told him, if he did it again.

However, I don't believe that my philosophy on the issue makes me a better parent. Just a parent who would have chosen to handle that situation differently. Much the same way I don't believe non-spanking parents are in any manner superior to spanking parents just by virtue of their philosophy on that subject.

Again, let me say, I'm glad it worked for you and as long as it didn't rise to the level of abuse, it really isn't any of my business.

I think it worked for MY son for two reasons. One, he truly hadn't heard what he sounded like before this. And two, he's the kind of kid who really does care what people will think of him. This approach would *never* have worked on my daughter and I wouldn't have bothered to try it.

BTW - this wasn't my first attempt to stop him. We did warning/consequence over and over. This was just the first thing that *worked*! If it hadn't worked, I'd have tried something else. There's no end to the different things you can try, if you're reasonably imaginative about it.

It seems to me that folks who don't have any philosophical objections to spanking will of course try spanking when other methods fail. Folks who do object - won't use it! They'll try something else, instead. And people who are conflicted about it as a method of punishment will either find that spanking works and become pro-spanking, or they will find that it doesn't and become anti-spanking.

I just find it interesting that spanking is only what you try when other methods fail - it's never a first resort, and in fact pro-spanking people get offended at the idea that it could be. So, it seems like no one considers spanking the *best* approach to discipline, and everyone would use a different approach if a different approach worked.

Even pro-spankers wish they didn't have to spank. Or at least that's the impression I'm getting!

 

[Teresa Pitman]

The Canadian Supreme Court a couple of years ago put some restrictions on spanking that I thought were interesting. I was hoping they would ban it altogether, as some other countries have done, but instead they tried to limit it. If I remember it all correctly, the "rules" are:

No spanking of a child under two years of age, or over 12.

Can only be done with an open hand, on the child's bottom (not on arms, legs, head, stomach), no objects can be used, and no more than two short taps. It must not leave any red mark.

Spanking that doesn't meet these guidelines can be considered child abuse.

I just also wanted to comment briefly on the person who talked to her son about his experiences of being spanked, and his response that it was necessary, they had to spank him because of his behaviour. This really isn't a good indication of the value of spanking. Children who have been brutally abused by their parents will often say that they deserved it, or the parents had to do it because they were bad. It's what kids do psychologically. So I don't see that response as a good justification for spanking.

I find that many of the arguments for spanking are very similar to the arguments put forward a hundred years or more ago when it was legal for men to hit their wives. Men said that it was what worked for their marriage, that they only used it as a last resort when reasonable discussion with their wives didn't work, that it might not be necessary for some women who were very easy-going but if you had a more difficult wife you needed to do it, that their wives loved and respected them more as a result of being disciplined. This all sounds bizarre to us now but this was a widely-held point of view at the time. I wonder if future generations will see the arguments in favour of spanking children as being equally strange.

Teresa

 

[poohandwendy]

In these spanking discussions, find it interesting that so many people who choose not to spank always seem to have so much to say about the disciplinary tactics other parents use.

It's not enough to make the decision not to spank, they seem to think they are the authority of what is right and wrong for all families. And some really broad conclusions are being made regarding how/why/when parents who spank use that method.

I don't feel the need to question why or how someone decides to use 'time out' or 'count to three' or whatever other approach a parent will use to discipline their child. If it is working, good for you! If not, I am sure you will figure it out. I also don't feel the need to justify the methods I use/d. Not anyone elses business.

IMO, most parents have the best interests of their child in mind and do what works for their circumstances.

 

[kaw1218]

Some of us were discussing spanking (as a form of discipline with children ) last night and I wonder how many people had one opinion about spanking before having children, and then had their opinion change. Is so, what did you believe and how do you now believe?

ya know...I don't think you told us your opinion

 

[poohandwendy]

This really isn't a good indication of the value of spanking. Children who have been brutally abused by their parents will often say that they deserved it, or the parents had to do it because they were bad. It's what kids do psychologically. So I don't see that response as a good justification for spanking.

Because there is a huge difference between being 'brutally abused' and spanked, I don't think that argument holds much water.

I find that many of the arguments for spanking are very similar to the arguments put forward a hundred years or more ago when it was legal for men to hit their wives. Men said that it was what worked for their marriage, that they only used it as a last resort when reasonable discussion with their wives didn't work, that it might not be necessary for some women who were very easy-going but if you had a more difficult wife you needed to do it, that their wives loved and respected them more as a result of being disciplined. This all sounds bizarre to us now but this was a widely-held point of view at the time. I wonder if future generations will see the arguments in favour of spanking children as being equally strange.

Possibly.

Actually there is a group who makes a similar argument, regarding the oppression of children's rights. They call themselves NAMBLA. They think it is very backwards and archaic to not allow children the same basic rights as adults, the right to make choices for themselves. They feel our current laws are restrictive to the rights of and underestimate the abilities of children.

I wonder if we will someday say "They were right"

 

[Tigger&Belle]

ya know...I don't think you told us your opinion

My opinion changed slightly.

 

[C.Ann]

It's nice to see that this thread has remained civil enough that it hasn't been locked..

I have a question in regards to the "other methods as opposed to spanking".. For those who have "spanked" - if you have more than one child -did you find it neccesary to spank all of them?

I have already stated that my father spanked me on occasion when I had done something that was very serious and/or dangerous.. Quite frankly, I was a difficult child.. I remember my brother being spanked on occasion as well - but not my sister, who was a very easy-going child..

With my own children, two were spanked and one wasn't.. Basically for the same reasons stated above - for the one, it was never necessary..

My DGD (now 9) has never been spanked - although neither of her parents are opposed to it.. She's very easy going, not willful in the least, and has never done anything serious enough or dangerous enough that it would warrant a spanking..

When this discussion comes up on these boards from time to time, I think when parents who are anti-spanking hear the word "spanking", they assume it's the only form of discipline that is used and it is used on a regular basis..

I don't see that as being the case with most people.. Just curious how others who have used spanking on occasion would answer that question..

 

[kaw1218]

My opinion changed slightly.

 

[Wishing on a star]

C.Ann, there are indeed some parents who use spanking as their modus operendi...

I have posted this before on similar threads.

I met a woman whom we had a lot in common, and thought that we may become friends... It all ended rather quickly when she invited me to a womans function that she had put together, for her church.

These woman, I swear, they couldn't help but spend the entire afternoon trying to outdo each other with comments about how we are 'required' to spank our children. One woman told a story about how she put her precious little daughter over her knee and spanked her, saying, 'now, you know God tells me to do this..'

It was simply disgusting...
And, when it became clear that this woman couldn't just let this issue slide, but felt obligated to bring the issue up with me, to defend her views, and to possibly encourage me to spank my son. (who was later diagnosed with special issues and should NOT be physically punished) Well, that was it. We never spoke again. (then she moved away a year or so later)

My point is that there ARE people who do swear by spanking as a daily necessity in raising children.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I have a question in regards to the "other methods as opposed to spanking".. For those who have "spanked" - if you have more than one child -did you find it neccesary to spank all of them?

Nope. I have 4 children. I rarely spanked the first one (maybe 3 times). She was a headstrong child, however, and I certainly had plenty of opportunities. There was only one time that I spanked the next child--I was pregnant with #3, changing to diaper of my son, and he kicked my pregnant belly. That time I reacted without my thought and slapped his kicking leg. I never spanked my 3rd child as there was never a reason. He's 14yo now and doesn't seem to have any more respect for me than the older 2 at this point (the older children are 17 and 20). And then we had Jake... (I could write a book with that title). He's now 8yo and has tested every parenting idea I ever had. Extremely strong willed, to put it mildly. He wrote a note for his brother recently that said, "Jake is the boss.....By mom" That's Jake for you. Everything he does is done 100%. Not that I've spanked him often and usually have used other methods, such as natural and logical consequences and time out. He will likely be a leader when he's older.

 

[Duckfan-in-Chicago]

And then we had Jake... (I could write a book with that title). He's now 8yo and has tested every parenting idea I ever had. Extremely strong willed, to put it mildly................He will likely be a leader when he's older.

Or at the very least, a regular on the DIS.

 

[C.Ann]

C.Ann, there are indeed some parents who use spanking as their modus operendi...


My point is that there ARE people who do swear by spanking as a daily necessity in raising children.

---------------------------------

I think this is the impression many anti-spankers have in regards to parents who do spank.. That they do it daily - for any and all infractions - and I really don't feel that is the case.. Or at least not in the parents that I know..

When it comes to spanking, there are some very widespread generalizations - thus the reason why it often becomes a heated discussion..

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Or at the very least, a regular on the DIS.

I don't know about that.