Parents being mean to their kids

[HappyLawyer]

All i have to say is it is no ones business, there is a difference if someone is just beating the crap out of their kids then ok i would say something but other then that i mind my own business, we do not know what happened prior and we are not in the spot to judge others, we all RAISE our children differently, and perhaps there is no need to yell at your particular kids, but not all parents have that option, i yell when need be and i could care less who has an opinion or thought on the matter. So these are my thoughts, i will not be back in here cuz this is one of those threads that i am sure will become heated. Take care all.

 

[cobbler]

This thread is really entertaining Lets just say we all have different parenting skills and what works for one child won't work for another.

Sometimes in order for my son to get a clue, and to the depths of my soul I am totally not kidding, I need to threaten life or dismemberment to get it through his thick little skull.

So before any of you 'perfect' parents out there start disecting my post, I would never do such a thing.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

Two different trips...two different scenarios with my dd. August '03 we had ridden RnRC, stopped in the gift shop area. SHe saw a RnRC sweatshirt she wanted. Now, it was the day after Hurricane Charley had arrived. She didn't need a sweatshirt. So, I told her we would grab it in Nov when we came for Thanksgiving. Fast forward to Nov. My gf goes to wdw a week before we were scheduled to. She comes home with 'the' sweatshirt, that she got on sale for $12.00 for her dd..who has never even seen RnRC. So, when we finally make our way over to RnRC on Thanksgiving Day, imagine my dd's dismay when we find not one sweatshirt there. The CM called the stockroom and they were completely gone. Of course, they had tee-shirts. Now, why in heavens name they had sweatshirts in August and tee's in late Nov is beyond me, but I digress. My dd, just turned 11, had a major hissy fit. She just melted. SHe took me up one wall and down another..saying "I told you we should have gotten it in August. You're so mean to make me have waited..." yadda, yadda. Well, after about 10 minutes of this and of trying to calm her down, I just snapped. I grabbed her arm and sat her down on that stone wall area just past the overhead guitar. Told her I had had it with her attitude, that I had killed myself getting into the ^$#@ park on Thanksgiving Day, before we even had our room yet, just to get the *%$# sweatshirt and now I get this &^%$ attitude from her. THen at the end of my 'motherly' spiel, I got up and walked away. I wouldn't talk to her at all. SHould have seen the looks I got at that point.

Then two weeks ago, on our last trip, I wanted to ride Dinasour in AK. NOpe, she wasn't having any of it. "Ohhh, Mom..you know I"m horrified of that ride..why would you force me to go on it?!" Now, she has ridden that ride 3 times and we have found that it is the loudness of it that bothers her. So, I suggested that she just cover her ears. Nope, not happening. She had done this on at least 4 attractions over the past two days. Again, I snapped. I informed her that this trip wasn't just 'for her' enjoyment. That there were other people here also who might like to do something that might not be on 'her' must do list. THen I just walked away from her. I had just run from side to side of that park doing the stuff she wanted to do.

OH MY! You SWORE at your child! You were FORCING you child on a ride! Oh my, how can you even call yourself a mother????

I am hearing gasps of disbelief from all over the world right now, as all the perfect DISmom's are reading your post.

Hey, want me to pass you some popcorn? Because we can just sit back and wait for all the opinions, and you may even get advice on how to handle your DD in the future, I am sure lots of people will have an opinon on forcing a kid on a ride, even though YOU know your DD would of ridden it, she was just being difiicult. But we need to coddle these kids, don't you know?

 

[Marseeya]

Where were you before I had kids? Gee, to think if you had come into my life 9 years ago, I could of learned from you, and be a PERFECT mother.

That was exactly my thought when I read that post. Wow.

Regarding the yelling, it all depends on the family dynamics as well. I grew up in a yelling family and it never damaged me. At least everything was right out in the open and I always knew where I stood! My DH and I don't yell the same way my parents did, but there are times when a raised voice is the only thing that will get their attention.

One of my best friends, on the other hand, grew up in a household where nobody raised their voice. She was always so insecure. If mom was mad, mom tightened her lips and spoke to her in that coldly polite voice and it always made her feel like she was an inch tall.

 

[TinkerbellMama]

I have 2 (27 and 16, now). When my DD was born and as a little girl, I wasn't mature enuff to be a good dad and yelled at her way too much. By the time my son was born, I had grown considerably and have never raised my voice to him. He knew as a child when I was upset with him because I always accented the second syllable in his name: Chris TO pher.
Furthermore, except for 1 time I have never struck my children. When my daughter was little, I gave her a short "traditional" spanking that Mom recommended I do because Lynsey had do something bad (I can't remember what it is). Anyway, afterwards I went out to the living room and said to my wife, "That kid can do anything short of a felony and I'll never spank her again."
Of course, I never told her or Christopher that! (lol)

Hi, I wanted to share a family story with you...think you will appreciate it!
My mom was an only child, and when she was about five years old, she did something (no one remembers what) and my grandfather decided to spank her for the first time. He got a belt and "did the deed". Of course my mother started wailing. Well, Papa started crying too. Then my grandmother started crying. They were all so upset and miserable. Long story short, my mother was never spanked again, ever!! And we were not raised with spankings, either. I wouldn't dream of spanking my son. I think that has a lot to do with how I was raised. I have been told by friends who were spanked as children that when they are pushed to the limit, they do sometimes spank or want to spank, out of reflex. My nephew and niece have never been spanked, and they are 13 and 11...and I'll bet it has a lot to do with us not being spanked as children. As parents it's just not something that enters our minds to do, I guess.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

That was exactly my thought when I read that post. Wow.

Regarding the yelling, it all depends on the family dynamics as well. I grew up in a yelling family and it never damaged me. At least everything was right out in the open and I always knew where I stood! My DH and I don't yell the same way my parents did, but there are times when a raised voice is the only thing that will get their attention.

One of my best friends, on the other hand, grew up in a household where nobody raised their voice. She was always so insecure. If mom was mad, mom tightened her lips and spoke to her in that coldly polite voice and it always made her feel like she was an inch tall.

EXACTLY! My mm yelled, we yelled at each other. the whole neighborhood would know our business, because we screamed it.

my DH family barely communicates with each other. Sure, they never raised their voice to each other, they just stopped talking to each other. Nobody ever knew what it was they did to make the other person mad or upset, because they just stopped talking.

Oh, yeah, but anything is better than being yelled at.

 

[TinkerbellMama]

That was exactly my thought when I read that post. Wow.

Regarding the yelling, it all depends on the family dynamics as well. I grew up in a yelling family and it never damaged me. At least everything was right out in the open and I always knew where I stood! My DH and I don't yell the same way my parents did, but there are times when a raised voice is the only thing that will get their attention.

One of my best friends, on the other hand, grew up in a household where nobody raised their voice. She was always so insecure. If mom was mad, mom tightened her lips and spoke to her in that coldly polite voice and it always made her feel like she was an inch tall.

I grew up in a "sometimes yelling, never spanking" household. As a result, I think spanking is always wrong (yes, always...I'm not saying what others should do, just that I would never do it, and if I did, I would say SHAME ON MYSELF and be horribly embarrassed and feel guilty, that is just FOR ME, myself) and yelling sucks. I never liked the raised voices when I was a kid, and I am ultra-sensitive to it now. As I posted before, MIL is a yeller and her other kids (not my dh, thank god!) are loud. Not nasty screamers/yellers, just very loud talkers, and it just grates on my nerves like nails on a chalkboard!!! I don't want my son growing up with the yelling, because it bothers ME. I can't imagine it wouldn't bother him. Maybe it wouldn't. But we will not be finding out! I can't stand to hear yelling or do it myself! Ack! If I hear yellers at WDW or anywhere else, it just makes me cringe. I don't even have to pass judgment...the reaction is instant and involuntary.

 

[dalt01]

this is not a flame, the behavior police will do that and their are plenty on the DIS. we are in WDW or some other amusement park type place almost every weekend of the summer. and nerves get frayed with young children who would be just as happy in the hotel pool. "this cost me thousands and your going to have fun if it kills you". what i say as a mantra as i see and hear some really strange stuff is MYOB.

 

[A Mickeyfan]

I will open another can of worms here, we as parents aren't allowed to "yell" or punish our children, but school & law officals can???!!!
I have 3 children, 12, 16 & 18. I have yelled at them for misbehaving & will continue to do so. I have also yelled at them for running off at Disney when they were younger. Gee maybe some have heard me. If I tell & expect my child to be where they are suppose to be (especially at a place like Disney where there are large crowds), they better be there. If they aren't, I will yell. Yelling to me is better than taking the chance they do it again & get lost. There are just times that you cannot sit & talk to them about what they did wrong. When you talk they (not all & not all of the time) will not take what they did seriously. Some of you are jumping on that mom for yelling...she isn't beating him or anything. I am in my late 40's, & when I grew up our parents were legally allowed to yell & hit us. Most of my generation turned out pretty well adjusted. Now you have these child abuse laws where you cannot yell, hit or punish your child. The children of today are growing up learning that there are no consequences for there actions & they can do what ever they want. If mom or dad hits them, they can call the police (school teaches this). My son at the age of 17 called me a Mother......., I smacked him in the mouth. He called the police on me. The officers that came were around my age. When they asked my son what happened, he told them the truth. One of the officers turned & told him that he was "lucky" that was all I did to him. So his plan backfired on him, thank God for me too. I understand child abuse & to me there is a difference in yelling and a spanking (with hands) compared to hitting with belts or any object for that matter, burning them, tie them to a chair, lock in a closet...that is child abuse, sorry but yelling isn't in my book.
What makes me laugh about society is that when a child (teen) does something wrong in the house, parents cannot punish. If that same child goes out & does something wrong in society, the law will punish & then hold the parent legally & financially liable. Where is the justis there! I have experienced this first hand. At the age of 17 (one year ago today as a matter of fact), my son decided that he was going to drink on the 4th. He did & got behind the wheel of his car. Lucky for him, he was stopped by a couple while at a traffic light. They jumped into his car while stopped at the light & took the keys. They called the police. When the officer came, they couldn't arrest him for a DUI, the keys werent' in the ignition. Instead the officer called me to come & get him. I did & by the time I arrived my son passed out. He was taken by ambulance to the ER. He was placed on life support (he had alcohol poisonening BAC was .370) & helicoptered to St Pete's All Children's Hosp. He ended up being ok was released 4 days later with no permenant effects. The dr's said it was a miracle that he did. They didn't expect him to live the first 24 hours! When he was being discharged from the hospital, they had a social worker talk to him & then us. She had the nerve to come & tell me that grounding him for 3 weeks & taking the car away from him until he turned 18 was cruel & unjust punishment. She wasn't the only person to have told me that either. When we arrived back home in our city, I arranged for him to go to counseling. The first counsler he saw told me the same thing & said it in front of him. She said 3 weeks was too long & by taking the car away, I was taking away his "freedom". I went off the wall this time. I asked her what would she do if it were her child. She said her's would never do what mine done so she didn't have to worry about it. I then asked what she would have done if my child had accidently killed hers while driving drunk. She said that by law, I would be held liable financially for his actions & he would wind up in jail for a very long time. I then told her very bluntly, not to tell me that I cannot ground my son & take away the car. If I am liable financially, it is my decision and that I would be abusing him if I allowed him to continue his actions. I demanded to see her supervisor.
Finally, someone agreed with me. My punishment was not cruel & unjust! The point I am trying to make here is that ....don't judge this mom because you heard her yelling, you did not know the entire story.... there are times as parents that we have to (to a certian degree) forget what child services says & do what we think is correct. Look at what was said to me! My son would most likely be dead by now if I agreed with a licenced social worker & a licenced mental health therapist!
~~~~~~~~~~~~ This just hits a nerve with me!~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[ktink]

Most people who know me would tell you that while I have many opinions I am very softspoken, meaning I just talk quietly. I think they just can't hear very well. But when my children get out of line I talk firmly in a calm voice but guess what, that doesn't work. So when I've had enough I do raise my voice and guess what, that DOES work. I don't think that I'm a bad mother by any means and I love my family more than anything. Children push buttons and try to get away with as much as possible. Now DD9 she is getting to the point where she argues and rolls the eyes This doesn't thrill me so I don't put on my happy face to deal with it. DD4 is far more outspoken than most 4yo. And she gets in trouble for acting out as well. Do I yell to the top of my lungs, NO. But I do raise my voice and if the person standing beside doesn't like it well, I say to you that Mister Rogers could (on a bad day) take the 2 of my kids and w/ all the right conditions I bet they would get a yell out of him.

I try not to sweat the small stuff because I want to have as many wonderful memories with my kids as possible. But I don't want them to grow up and think that they can whine and life will suddenly go their way at 45. Children respond to different things, you have to do what works for your family. I'm far more disturbed with someone who doesn't seem to have a problem with their children acting like the brat pack. I want my kids to be curteous and treat people with respect and if that means I in return have to be uncurteous to get their attention then so be it. And I don't think raising my voice to them is disrespectful because you discipline your children as a measure of respect and love.

 

[mking624]

I am not going to get into whether or not I think the family that the OP saw was right or wrong because I don't know the situation. I will say that EVERYONE has a right to their opinion on how to parent. There's no need for anyone to be sarcastic about "wow, you're such a perfect parent", etc....as though no one here had ever thought about how they might handle a situation. We all learn, we all grow. It can be humbling to see someone attempt to correct us, but if we know something in the correction doesn't apply...just leave it and move on. If there IS something we can take and learn from, take it and move on. My point being that none of us are perfect, we can all learn from something whether it's on the DIS or somewhere else.

That said, I don't have an issue with yelling in and of itself depending on the situation and I don't even have a problem with spanking (I was spanked growing up and there were plenty of times I really deserved it). But there is a time when things can go overboard and it crosses a line of verbal/mental abuse. I have no idea the situation the family in the OP's vacation was going through so I will not judge that. But I will say that most adults have no idea the effects that our actions can have on a child. It stays with them. I am not talking about yelling to get their attention every now and then or because their are acting stubborn or other situations that DISmembers have brought up. I am talking about going overboard. I am 24 years old...and I still clearly remember times when my mom swore at me and when she gave me the silent treatment. To this day, I feel there is nothing I did to deserve being berated like that and treated like that. No matter what I did wrong, I was still a child. Yeah, I was spanked...yeah, I was yelled at in general...but it's the swearing and silent treatment that I remember the most. Correction was not attempted at, and I certainly didn't feel I was loved. Sheesh, even when I was spanked, I knew my parents still loved me. But add in the swearing and the silent treatment...I seriously felt like scum. That's not how children should be feeling. Kids do have a rebound rate, but we should never assume that this is something that will never stick with them....because it does. My dad told me earlier this year that I need to help meet my moms needs. I am living out of state....I am no longer under their roof. I am no longer under their "rule" (for lack of a better word). My responsibility is to MY marriage...not theirs. But this was seemingly the way of the house when I was growing up. I had to help meet her needs...if she was giving the silent treatment, it was my responsibility to "fix" her so things would be fine and dandy again. I was a child! That's way too much to ask for any child. I dare not say I am now perfect because I've learned. That's not close to being true. I catch myself falling into the habits my parents were in. It's somethign I'm trying really hard to break out of (the silent treatment is what I struggle with in my marriage). I watch my siblings have their spirits crushed more and more as they, too, receive the silent treatment or are sworn at. It's not the yelling itself that bothers them. I've had individual talks with all three of my siblings and told them all that their feelings DO matter and to just think inside their hearts that it's ok for them to feel a certain way. The silent treatment...it feels like rejection. It doesn't feel like punishment for the wrong act...it feels like the peron as a whole is being rejected. That "I was SO bad, that they don't even want to spare their breath on me." I will not judge anyone here because it's not fair of me to judge one person's entire parental skills based on one post I see...my only words of caution is to say be careful. It's not about what an outside person thinks of you (because who cares about them). How we raise and discipline our children has a lasting effect on them...and those children will turn around and raise/discipline their children in the same way 9 times out of 10. We want to communicate correction...not rejection.

 

[gottaluvPluto]

My DD has a FASINATION with public restrooms. I have no idea what it is about them, but we cannot walk past a public restroom without her announcing she needs to go. I KNOW she does not need to go. It took me a long time to figure her out. We would be in WDW, heading to some ride, and she needs to go, we stop, take her to the bathroom, for what? I wait, and wait, I hear NOTHING coming from her stall. Meanwhile, we could of been there by now. I ask what is taking so long, she then announces, she doesn't have to go. After awhile, it gets BEYOND frustrating. BTW, this happens other places besides WDW.

My DD does the same thing and it drives me nuts. I can't stand public restrooms, but she just loves them. I make her use the restroom before we leave for a store and sure enough she has to go as soon as we walk through the door. I tell her no and boy do I get some looks.

 

[Ready to go in Ok]

In my family, yelling is the norm. We yell when we are all together, and it is very very rarely out of anger. Therefore, when I am angry, and my kids have pushed me to the limit, they pay attention very quickly when my tone becomes quieter. They then know that mom means business. I married into a family who never yells and it was quite an adjustment for me. I guess it all depends on what is the norm for you. Just remember that just because it doesn't seem natural to you, doesn't mean it isn't to someone else!

 

[SueM in MN]

My DD does the same thing and it drives me nuts. I can't stand public restrooms, but she just loves them. I make her use the restroom before we leave for a store and sure enough she has to go as soon as we walk through the door. I tell her no and boy do I get some looks.

There seems to be an age for that fascination with public restrooms. My older DD got over it quickly, I think she just wanted to make sure they actually did have bathrooms.
For my younger DD it was a major pain to take her to the bathroom because she is disabled and uses a wheelchair. She never was all that interested in public restrooms (except for the ones in airplanes - it's quite an adventure to be in one of those with a child who can't stand without support). Her biggest fascination was with water fountains. Where ever they were, she could find them and would want to stop for a drink.

Now you have these child abuse laws where you cannot yell, hit or punish your child. The children of today are growing up learning that there are no consequences for there actions & they can do what ever they want.

First of all, sorry to hear you have gone thru a lot with your child.
I wanted to point out though that there are plenty of kids who have not been yelled at or hit, but have learned that there are consequences to all their actions. One of the problems (at least from my standpoint) is that a lot of parents don't know anything other than yelling or hitting, so they think there is nothing they can do and their children end up undisciplined (which actually means "untaught" rather than "unpunished".)

 

[cobbler]

I have to agree with A Mickeyfan. My husband is "old school" I guess you would say. When he was younger he had to go out and get his own switches and you better had not get a small one either. They were raised where you don't behave like hood rats and if you do, you will be punished. Now some of his cousins had a different approach. Guess which ones are constantly in and out of jail? You got it, not my hubby or his brothers and sisters.

Now I know not all kids do that and not all grow up as bad adults if they are not punished. But it does go to show that if little Johnny needs to be yelled at or a good swat now and again, it won't hurt him.

 

[RobinMarie]

It would also be inhuman. The last time I looked there aren't too many people around who have never done anything they regretted. That in itself is a valuable lesson for children to learn. We all make mistakes and do things we wish we hadn't done or could have done differently. When parents make mistakes we are teaching our children about being "real" and how to deal with mistakes and make up for them. "PERFECTION" in anybody but Mary Poppins is unrealistic and leaves unrealistic standards for anybody to live up to.

I'm just curious, for those of you who think yelling at a child is always wrong.... How many children do you have?

I realize we all make mistakes. When I was quoted I was referring to situations where yelling escalated to a point where the parent's anger could have resulted in a regrettable situation.

I try to reserve 'yelling' as last resort. Yelling, if effective at all, certainly will not be effective if used as a norm.

I think it's important for parents to support each other. When there is a child in the grocery store having a temper tantrum and the parent is ignoring the behavior, I strike up a conversation with the parent, because SHE/HE needs help!

I've had more people who seem appreciative rather than a 'mind your own business' atttitude when another parent approaches. When I happened upon a woman in the bathroom in the MK when her child had just had an accident, that poor mother was at her wits end - yelling, frustrated and almost out of control. Another parent and I struck up a conversation about the Mom's dress - how pretty, where did she get it, blah blah blah. She seemed to calm down and at the end said, 'thanks, I was losing it today." We were glad we didn't mind our own business. I repeat, it would be a shame if that well-intentioned mother made a mistake that day in a moment of frustation.

I do not disagree that yelling can be an effective parenting tool but I also think it can be a sign of being out of control.