Parents: A question about playdate etiquette.

[mommaU4]

My older kids (9 and 11) have never really been on many play dates when they were younger. Back in CA they mainly played with family (cousins) or the other kids in the apt. building where we lived. So I'm not sure how this all works.

Lately they both have been asking to have some of their school friends over and to be able to go over to their houses.

So I'm wondering how to go about setting this up?

Do I drop them off at the other kids house?
Am I expected to stay there? If I leave them how long should I leave them for?
If they come over here will the other mom expect to be invited in? Do I offer to drive the kid home or should she say when she'll be back?

And most importantly, I don't know any of these kids or their parents. What if I don't feel comfortable leaving my kid at some strangers house? What if the crazy uncle that lives with them is secretly a pedophile or if they have a gun in the house? Am I supposed to ask who's in the home, what they'll be doing, and if they plan on having target practice?!!

I'm confused.
Oh, and what about sleepovers? Do you allow those and at what age? And how do you decide when you really don't know the parents that well or at all?

 

[Lukie]

The play dates we do here in the UK are usually after school, so if either of my kids (8&7) wanted a friend over, I would pick them and said friend up from school, let them play, give them tea and ask their parent to pick them up about 6ish. The same goes if they went to one of their friends, the friends parent would take my child with them home from school and I would pick them up about 6ish.
Be the first to ask a friend over and you can judge how the friend acts, plays etc and you can always ask them questions. Get to know the parents at school, so again you can judge what they are like.
I wouldn't be happy with my children going to peoples houses where I don't know the family.

As for sleepovers, try not to encourage that yet until you know what the child is like. My eldest (8 year old) has had two different friends over for sleepovers, because he has been to theirs first, but I know the children and the parents very well, so it hasn't been too bad and it has only been once each. One of the parents is actually a teaching assistant at the school and the other is a lawyer

Playdates don't have to last long, just for you to get the feel of things and make sure you take the parents number, so if anything happens, you can ring them.

Good luck

 

[CEDmom]

At your kids ages the parents won't be staying. My DD is in 1st grade and just starting to have playdates without me/or the other child's mom staying. Of course these are only in situations where we know the family and have been to eachother's house etc.

If their friends aren't from your neighborhood is their anyone you know that would also know them? Perhaps a teacher, coach, co-worker, minister etc? Honestly, that's how I'd go about getting to know what the other families are like. Of course you could go the direct route and contact the other parents and explain you're not comfortable allowing your children to go unfamiliar places. Perhaps you could arrange a neutral place (i.e. Chuck E Cheese) and get to know them. They might even welcome this if they're feeling apprehensive.

If I cannot find out about the family and they're not receptive to my concerns then DD isn't going to their house. As far as sleepovers, that will only happen when DH and I are comfortable with the other family. There's nothing wrong with restricting a child from doing things he/she wants. We've all been on the receiving end of that and lived through it.

 

[Cindy's Mom]

It has been my experience that the host does not leave their home and usually the children are dropped off and picked up. When I'm hosting the playdate, I invite the mom into my home, but usually they are so excited to get rid of their kid(s) they don't want to stick around. When I'm picking up DD at a playdate, I'm in and out, so the mom can get back to her normal life. I think the "word" playdate has put so much added stress to what it actually is......THE KIDS ARE PLAYING TOGETHER. That's what we used to call it. I would say "mom, can you drive me to Maria's house"...she would drive me there, then pick me up a couple hours laters.

 

[HayGan]

Well, I would call and talk to the other parents. Talk to them about who would be there, times of the playdate and eemergency numbers. Also, don't be afraid to ask if they keepguns in the house. It is your child's safety at stake so it should be a question that any parent would bewilling to answer. Really at the ages of 9 and 11, I wouldn't expect that you would need to stay at the friend's house. Each playdate might have different expectations in terms of picking up and dropping off (although it each parent usually transports their own child.)

As for sleepovers, I think that 9 and 11 might be a good age to start but it all depends on the maturity level of the kids and how well they do being away from mom and dad. Don't be surprised to get a late night call for a pick-up or tears from your overnight guest that they want to go home.

 

[mommaU4]

Thanks for the info so far guys!

Most of the parents in our area do not drive their kids to and from school (myself included). The kids all take the bus. This is actually a good thing for us seince we have only one car right now. But I never see any of the other parents.

It was much easier to get to know people at the kids old school in CA because you HAD to drop them off and pick them up and while the parents were all waiting for school to let out we'd stand around and chit chat. Doesn't happen like that here. Makes it a little tougher.

 

[dizagain]

We just moved to a new city in the fall so I'm going through the process with DD's 9 and 11 now. We have met the neighborhood moms and now there is a group of 4 or 5 that we're comfortable with - meaning the kids can go back and forth no problem as long as they call home if there's a change. We've had a few new school friends over and vice versa...usually they ride the bus home with DD and sometimes I drop them off at home later and sometimes their mom picks them up. We haven't done sleepovers yet outside of the neighborhood. We need a few more daytime visits first. So far the parents I've met have all been really nice and they seem like people I can be comfortable with. DD's have had friends in the past with whom they could not spend the night nor did they want to! It's tough to let go, but you can do it!

 

[Microcell]

Our kids are bussed here, and I usually talk to the parent for a while by phone and then if I am comfortable with them enough, I write a note to have DD go home with the friend. I usually make sure the mom will be there the whole time, and will until dd is 14 or so probably. I offer to pick up and sometimes the other parent offers to drop DD off, and we usually work it out based on schedules over the phone. If I do not feel comfortable with the parent, I usually offer to have them at my house or I discourage the relationship.

There is a girl right now who appears to have an irresponsible mom, and I try to be polite, but they get the gist that I don't feel comfortable. I just blame it on overprotectiveness. I admit that I am being irrational and I would just prefer she be home playing with friends. There are about 6 parents I trust with my DD and allow her to go play at their houses.

She is going to her first sleepover in a couple of months with a parent I trust, no men or boys are even going to be in the house, though I trust her husband normally, I am relieved about that. We discussed what would be going on so I am aware. DD is 7 .

I have no problem being seen as overprotective parent, so DD gets to blame some of my refusals on that.

Good luck, I know how scary it is!

 

[aprilgail2]

My daughter is 6 and now I just drop her off.....up until 5 I stayed with her. She also started sleepovers this year..seh has a sleepover birthday party she is going to next month.

 

[JVL1018]

My daughter has playdates with kids at school(she's 6 and in K), but we have no buses here and all K parenst have to pick their kids up at the K door, so we'll all stand around and we'll just say Hi, does so and so want to come over today?
If they walked DD just walks home with them.
If they drove, I take her myself.
I always pick her up or have the mom pick their child up from my house at 5, so they're playing for about an hour and 45 minutes.

I do not stay.

 

[golfgal]

Around here it really varies. Sometimes if you are good friends with the parents the other child's parents will stay and chat, if not, then the kids are usually just dropped off. I know the parents of all my kids' friends so often if I am dropping off I will just buzz in quick and say hi but usually we just drop the kids. As for driving to and from, it really depends on who is out and about or who has to go somewhere else. Some times we drive both ways, sometimes we will drop off and the other family picks up and sometimes they drive both ways.