Parenting the Strong Willed Child

[becka]

We are having some issues with our DS and so I picked up a copy of the book Parenting the Strong-Willed Child. Is anyone familiar with this book? Did the techniques help you?

ETA: This is not the Dobson book but I can't remember the name of the author right off the top of my head.

 

[cybrkitn]

We are having some issues with our DS and so I picked up a copy of the book Parenting the Strong-Willed Child. Is anyone familiar with this book? Did the techniques help you?

Is that the one by Dr. James Dobson? Just curious b/c we also have a very strong willed DS4.

 

[Beth76]

My friend was having some issues with her daughter. She really liked that book. She found some very helpful info. I'm not sure what exactly though.

 

[MushyMushy]

I read one of Dobson's Strong-Willed Child books back when DS was little. A better fit for us was 1-2-3 Magic but I can't remember who wrote it. It worked like a charm!

 

[iloveboardwalk]

Duct tape














kidding











kind of

 

[ducklite]

If that's the one that encourages corporal punishment, I've read it and thought it was utter rubbish.

My son was very strong willed. I'd give him two choices on everything, so he felt he had some control, but when it really came down to it, I was the one that was making the decisions.

For instance "Do you want to wear your blue pants or your green pants?" I didn't care which pants he wore, but it allowed him to make a choice that was OK with me. Just saying "which pants do you want to wear today?" opens up a Pandoras box where something inappropriate could be chosen, and then the child is angry because you asked and he answered and then you said no.

If you watch SuperNanny you'll see that Jo employs this technique a lot and it works very well for everyone.

Anne

 

[pettyone]

I read the Dobson book for ideas with DD6...I also read Raising Your Spirited Child...when I took ideas from both places, I did come up with a few very helpful hints...

Good luck!

 

[cybrkitn]

Duct tape














kidding











kind of

 

[mickeyboat]

I will second Mushy's 123 Magic suggestion. When we use it like we are suppoed to, it works really well. becka - I think your son is at a perfect age for it, too.

Denae

 

[Christine]

I read it at some point with my DD. I don't think it "helped" me in any way but it sure made me "feel" better--that I wasn't alone, you know?

 

[MushyMushy]

If that's the one that encourages corporal punishment, I've read it and thought it was utter rubbish.

My son was very strong willed. I'd give him two choices on everything, so he felt he had some control, but when it really came down to it, I was the one that was making the decisions.

For instance "Do you want to wear your blue pants or your green pants?" I didn't care which pants he wore, but it allowed him to make a choice that was OK with me. Just saying "which pants do you want to wear today?" opens up a Pandoras box where something inappropriate could be chosen, and then the child is angry because you asked and he answered and then you said no.

If you watch SuperNanny you'll see that Jo employs this technique a lot and it works very well for everyone.

Anne

That's excellent advice! I can't remember where I first read it, but I started doing it when DS was small and it worked well for both kids.

A friend of mine would drive herself nuts with her kids, trying to let them make their own choices. There'd be tears and tantrums... all kinds of drama. When you cut the choices down to two acceptable ones, it takes all that stress away.

 

[RadioNate]

I had better luck with Raising Your Spirited Child and 1-2-3 Magic.

We also did the same choice thing as Ducklite which really helped.

 

[iloveboardwalk]

The very best piece of advice I got in regards to dealing with my spirited son was, "pick your battles wisely" And like ducklite said, choices are important for the child because it's almost always a power struggle. My husband and I have a joke, when he sees me or I see him about to go over the edge in a power struggle with our son, we say to eachother in a Captain Picard voice,

"number 1, do NOT engage!!"

Also, reward good behavior with lots and lots of attention.

 

[mickeyboat]

A friend of mine would drive herself nuts with her kids, trying to let them make their own choices. There'd be tears and tantrums... all kinds of drama. When you cut the choices down to two acceptable ones, it takes all that stress away.

That is one of the reasons I hate how our Brownie leader runs the troop. She parents an only child, and it may work for her to give unlimited choices. But it is bedlam when she is giving unlimited choices to 9 six year olds. She is learning, though.

Denae

 

[becka]

Just to clarify this is not the Dobson book but I can't remember the name of the authors right at this moment and I don't have the book with me.

I have heard good things about 1-2-3 Magic and we have deployed some of those techniques over the past years. Our problem is that our son simply does not care any more if there are consequences for his behavior. He is upset when we punish him (time-outs, take away toys, etc..) but instead of learning from this he becomes more determined to get his way. He is now becoming very angry and is in turn trying to punish us for punishing him. He is also becoming agressive and destructive at preschool.

I think we will probably be contacting a child psychologist in the next month or so but I thought I might try some of the techniques in the book first just to see if they make any difference.

 

[lillygator]

Becka - I hope things improve for you all.....

 

[mickeyboat]

, becka. I am sure this is really hard for you. Does the school have any suggestions about the cause of this behavior or any ideas on what to try? Do you have a copy of 123? I think the authors address when this situation occurrs.

One of the most important and most difficult elements of discipline for me is consistency. Once my kids realize that I am not going to follow through with a threat, I am doomed.

I have not read the strong-willed child book, but I wonder if just by labeling your child as "strong-willed" you are setting yourself up for more difficult issues in the future.

I also find that my kids go through stages when they are behaving very well, and some when they are not. Emily, especially hates transition - so we have trouble with her at the start and end of school vacations.

Good luck.

Denae

 

[ducklite]

I hope it works out for you. I'm glad that you'll be seeing someone. There's a disorder that manifests primarily in boys called Oppositional Defiance Disorder. If caught early it's easily treated with therapy--it's possible that's what you're dealing with. The good news is that kids outgrow it. Good luck!

Anne

 

[KikiFan]

I know this will sound like a weird suggestion but you might consider his diet. I found that apple juice made my daughter really hostile. She was (and is!) always strong willed but sometimes we'd have episodes where she took it to another level. Nobody believed me until they experiemented on her at her daycare. The change in her behavior was really obvious. Whenever she drank apple juice she became really difficult, she wouldn't listen, she was argumentive and irritable, it was a nightmare. After about three days without apple juice she'd return to her normal self.

If you've got time before you see the therapist maybe you could try keeping a food journal for a little while? Maybe there's something in your son's diet that's making him worse. In the last couple of years my daughter has developed other food allergies and I'm finding that it's not uncommon for certain foods to alter a kids behavior. It's worth a try!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My strong willed dd is almost 16... I have survived without killing her.

Things that work for me.....

Hugging and lots of it. Works even better as teens. It helps keep the discipline in balance.

The more hugging and quiet the house is the better the listening gets. Kind of like that show "Shalom in the Home"....however I did it my way back then.
I had to take down distractions...leave off electronics, TV's, box up toys so that it was a few & rotate. Sounds silly but "tons of things" can be overwhelming even if you enjoy them.
I even lowered the wattage on light bulbs.
Observe your home and ways to "calm it down".

THERE IS NO GREY AREA.... Which is what everyone else is saying.
2 choices when is it simple, like pants....NO CHOICES when it is "chaotic". Tune into your DS and you will know when it is to overwhelming for him to make choices.
This will help you ALOT!

When it comes time for cleaning and what not.....
You don't ask your son, you say..."it is time to do _____". (Also effective on pesky tweens & teens. )
You get up and help them do _____. Do it with hugs and calmness...Make sure they finish a task they are working on, in fact it is better to descend and chat and help them finish up and then say "let's go do ____"....
That works like a charm most of the time.

Planning of course....
Don't expect your "difficult child" to behave well when they are tired, sick, had enough of ""CoCo the Clown" and you are missing the cues...TIME TO LEAVE....because grandma wants to get a picture of DS riding the horsey.

Good Luck!!! You will tweak it.