Parenting Issue Question (Teen Girl Category)

[Christine]

Here is my newest pet peeve.

DD has a very good friend and she often spends one night a weekend at her house. They haven't done so in awhile because of Spring Break and other obligations. They usually rent a movie and then the next day the both go to the commissary with the father of this girl. For some reason they have a good time doing this. Anyway, it has become somewhat of a ritual.

So, early in the week, DD makes plans to spend Friday night with her friend. They are going to see a movie after school, spend the night, etc. Then DD says to me: "Well, I want to go grocery shopping with them on Sunday morning. I know you won't let me sleep over two nights in a row, so I won't be spending the night on Friday night. Please come get me after the movies. I will then spend the night with her on Saturday night." I agree.

Fast forward to Friday. DD calls me and says that they aren't going to the movies afterall, but they are going to Laser Quest. Now, the dad decided that he wants to go to the grocery store on Saturday, so she will be spending the night, if that's okay, going grocery shopping on Saturday and will come home Saturday afternoon. FINE...

Just a few minutes ago, the friend's mother calls me. She says: "I just wanted to let you know that the girls are getting ready to go for the grocery shopping trip; however, they've rented a movie and they want to watch it tonight, so I was wondering if your DD can spend the night tonight. Also, I will need to take her to Mass with us on Sunday morning because 'Jane' has to do nursery duty--your DD will be ready to come home at 10:00 a.m.--is that okay?"

Well, I'm not sure why I'm having a problem with this. Bottom line is that my DD knows that I don't like her spending the whole weekend out. I do allow it for special occasions, but not routinely. I feel like everyone should be home once in awhile to rest and recharge. I'm sure she must have some homework to do. Also, since the Friday night sleepover wasn't planned, DD doesn't even have clothes with her. I mentioned this to the other mother who responded by saying that the girls are the same size and she can wear her DD's clothes.

I really resent being approached by this other mother. She is as nice as can be but I know they worked it this way because I would have told my DD "No." And then when I think about why I am saying "No" I don't really have any specific reasons except "just because." I guess I don't like my kids out and about all weekend.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable?

 

[MouseWorshipin]

It doesn't matter if you are being unreasonable or not. You're the grown-up, you get to pick.

It was wrong of this mom to call you. The kid makes the call, and if you asked to speak to the other girls' mom, fine.

Tell your daughter she has to make the call. And if you get another call from the mom, tell her "No." You don't need a reason. If it were me, I'd probably say, "No, Princess cannot spend 2 consecutive nights away from home. That's the rule. What time should I pick her up?"

 

[kristen821]

It seems to me you were somewhat bullied and taken off guard. I would tell your dd that you don't expect that to happen again. Maybe make her stay home next weekend since she was away this weekend if that will make you feel better. Since you are the mom you don't have to have a reason why and can say no just because.

 

[Christine]

It doesn't matter if you are being unreasonable or not. You're the grown-up, you get to pick.

It was wrong of this mom to call you. The kid makes the call, and if you asked to speak to the other girls' mom, fine.

Tell your daughter she has to make the call. And if you get another call from the mom, tell her "No." You don't need a reason. If it were me, I'd probably say, "No, Princess cannot spend 2 consecutive nights away from home. That's the rule. What time should I pick her up?"

Thanks. I'm really resentful at this point because now I'm put in the position of being the "bad guy." I don't mind that at all and know that it comes with the territory. I guess I'm more ticked that this mother has decided to manipulate this. My DD's friend is a very sweet girl but she has been having some *issues* lately in high school. She really, really likes my DD because my DD is very non-judgemental and the girl feels at ease with my DD (background is that this other girl is on the cheerleading team and there have been a lot of "Mean Girl" things going on there). I think that the mother is just so pleased with my DD (and I know I should be proud) and she feels my DD is such a good influence on her DD that I think she desperately wants my DD to be around her DD. So, of course, there is way more to this and I feel like I'm being manipulated.

I told the woman I'd "think about it." My gut tells me to just stick to my guns and say no to this, but I feel like such a heel.

 

[Christine]

It seems to me you were somewhat bullied and taken off guard. I would tell your dd that you don't expect that to happen again. Maybe make her stay home next weekend since she was away this weekend if that will make you feel better. Since you are the mom you don't have to have a reason why and can say no just because.

Yes, I guess I do feel bullied.

As far as "I'm the mom and I don't need to have a reason." I agree with that up to a point. I don't *want* to be unreasonable. Maybe I am being unreasonable??? I mean my DD seems to enjoy their company, they are a nice family, and as far as I know she is just enjoying being with her friend. If I *make* her come home, she'll probably just end up IM'ing most of the night and watching MTV.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

As always...I lay the burden on my dd.
If I said 1 night and a mother came on the phone to ask if the girls could spend the night together again then I would not have answered the mother but said..."I need to talk to my dd first."

Then I would discuss the situation and go from there.

 

[kristen821]

Can you invite the girl to sleepover at your house would that make you feel any better?

 

[MouseWorshipin]

If you don't want her away, keep her home. You're the mom!

That said, I spend several nights in a row at my best friend's house. Often. My daughter does it, and her friend is here (but I'm best buds with the kid's mom...the girls don't always know the real reason they're getting the sleepovers! )

I don't see how it hurts, especially with pre-teens and teens.

But, again, it is YOUR call.

 

[KarenAylwood]

Yes, I guess I do feel bullied.

As far as "I'm the mom and I don't need to have a reason." I agree with that up to a point. I don't *want* to be unreasonable. Maybe I am being unreasonable??? I mean my DD seems to enjoy their company, they are a nice family, and as far as I know she is just enjoying being with her friend. If I *make* her come home, she'll probably just end up IM'ing most of the night and watching MTV.

I think at this point if it were me, I'd let her stay the weekend and then have a talk with her when she gets home about how you don't like it and would expect that she'd respect the rules you've set up about spending 1 night per weekend.

I'd feel awkward calling and telling her "no, just come home" at this point even though you have every right to do that if you want, afterall- you're the mom! You should be able to say and do what you want when it comes to your DD, but if it were me, I'd let it slide this weekend and lay down the rules again when she gets home.

Goodluck!

 

[MUFFYCAT]

You're not being unreasonable at all.
I have a 14 DD who spends most of her time with her friends.
Saturday she's with them. Sunday she must come home for dinner.
The sleepovers go in spurts.

She usually doesn't meet them until about 3:00 in the afternoon.

so far I've aged a good 10 years since the start of middle school

 

[dmslush]

There is only one person that I let dd14 (sparx here on the dis) spend the night with. I work in the court system and see too much stuff to let my kid go off with people that I don't know very well!

Anyway, make a rule, a "You can only be gone one night of the weekend" rule. If she is gone on friday, she has be home on Saturday night. Or if she is planning to be gone on Saturday night, she must be home on Friday night. This rule cannot/will not be bent or broken unless YOU, the mom, are given ONE week's notice. Then add too it that having the parent of a friend call you to try and get you to change this rule will result in your daughter being punished. Don't make this something that you 'like.. don't just say, I like for you to be home on night per weekend. Just say this is what it is going to be because this is the rule.

I don't think you are over reacting, teens can be very manipulative and try to get around the parents or pull one over on us.

 

[disneygals]

Yes, I guess I do feel bullied.

As far as "I'm the mom and I don't need to have a reason." I agree with that up to a point. I don't *want* to be unreasonable. Maybe I am being unreasonable??? I mean my DD seems to enjoy their company, they are a nice family, and as far as I know she is just enjoying being with her friend. If I *make* her come home, she'll probably just end up IM'ing most of the night and watching MTV.

Don't you think that this is one of the hardest parts of parenting, deciding on those gray areas of what is right? or what you wan't/should do. Sometimes I will immediately say no, but have no "valid" reason.

There are really 2 issues here, the 1st being, no matter who calls you, you have a right to decide whatever you want. The second being how much do you want to monitor how she spends her time. I have a dd turning 14 and it is really hard to let go and give more freedoms. I keep trying to think of what I was allowed at the same age. No advice, really, just that I understand.

 

[MrsPete]

I agree that you were bullied. It was rather subtle, and that's why you're feeling unsure about it.

If you need a reason to deny her permission to do this in the future, here it is: YOU want to spend time with YOUR daughter on the weekends. When she spends the whole weekend with the other family, YOU miss out on her childhood.

Remember that everytime you say "yes" to an outside activity, you're saying "no" to quiet family time together. I'm all for kids' activities, but not at the expense of family time. It's about balance.

 

[Christine]

Can you invite the girl to sleepover at your house would that make you feel any better?

Well, there are a few issues with this:

About 2 years ago, we got a Jack Russell Terrier that has yet to be properly housebroken. As a result, our basement STINKS. At some point, I will be ripping up the carpet but, at any rate, our basement is also our "dog haven" when we are at work. The dogs are confined to one area, but they do stink up the basement. This is where my DD would go if she had friends over. So, for the last few years, we haven't really had any place for her and her friends to go.

Also, my DD is going to school "out of district". All of her friends (as well as this girl) live in this school district. The girl lives very close to a Starbucks (so they can walk there and feel "adult"), and many, many of their friends are just a block away. I am living out in a more rural area, no one knows anyone here, you can't walk anywhere. So, DD no longer wants to have friends over and most of these friends' parents don't even care to come by our way. My house has become the "unfun" place to be.

 

[wdw4us2]

When DD (14) started having an active social life, we had certain rules for her that are still in effect.

1) Don't ever ask us if you can do something (movies, sleepover, etc.) in front to the people involved. We don't want to be put on the spot and it is rude to put us in that position.

2) Don't have your friends' parent call us and ask if you can do something - the answer will automatically be NO. If you want to do something, ask us yourself.

3) Do not expect to be able to go every time you ask to do something. You have responsibilities at home as well as the fact we want to spend time with you, too.

This has been going on for about three years now, and there haven't been any problems (except when homework/projects being due is involved).

 

[Christine]

When DD (14) started having an active social life, we had certain rules for her that are still in effect.

1) Don't ever ask us if you can do something (movies, sleepover, etc.) in front to the people involved. We don't want to be put on the spot and it is rude to put us in that position.

2) Don't have your friends' parent call us and ask if you can do something - the answer will automatically be NO. If you want to do something, ask us yourself.

3) Do not expect to be able to go every time you ask to do something. You have responsibilities at home as well as the fact we want to spend time with you, too.

This has been going on for about three years now, and there haven't been any problems (except when homework/projects being due is involved).

Well, those have been my rules too. I am mad at DD for letting this woman call me. The woman probably asked if she could stay, I'm betting DD told her no, and the woman probably insisted on calling me. Oh, and don't misunderstand, I am SURE DD wants to stay. But I do feel, from what I know of this woman, that she is pushing for this.

I think I'm going to with letting her stay this weekend and then having a very long discussion about this when she gets home. I will tell her, in no uncertain terms, that this woman is NOT to call me anymore to plead her case.

 

[jenks0718]

I remember when I was that age I was never ever allowed to sleep out at all. My mom had soemthing happen to her when she was a teen and she was very overprotective of me. The place to be when I was a kid was my house and it really was not uncommon for my girlfriends to spend the weekend with me. We would sometimes go to their house to chill for a little bit and get some more clothes and money for my friends, but then head back to my house. I think you should do what you think is right. If it were me I would just allow her to stay again and then talk to her when she got home. Good luck.

 

[shortbun]

Yeah, you're the parent. Don't let the other parent shame you into doing something you are not comfortable with. It's not unreasonable to have a one night must be at home rule. Rare exceptions might be made but those should be planned in advance and with good reason. Bring her home and keep smiling. Tell her you love her!

 

[VickiVM]

When DD (14) started having an active social life, we had certain rules for her that are still in effect.

1) Don't ever ask us if you can do something (movies, sleepover, etc.) in front to the people involved. We don't want to be put on the spot and it is rude to put us in that position.

2) Don't have your friends' parent call us and ask if you can do something - the answer will automatically be NO. If you want to do something, ask us yourself.

3) Do not expect to be able to go every time you ask to do something. You have responsibilities at home as well as the fact we want to spend time with you, too.

This has been going on for about three years now, and there haven't been any problems (except when homework/projects being due is involved).

I like this set of rules! That's pretty much what we tell the kids, but I like the idea of telling them up front that these are the 'social' rules - Period.

To the OP, I would be upset too. I have been put in this position and don't want to be the mean mommy. I try to rationalize why I don't want my kids to do whatever activity they're wanting to do with their friends, but can't seem to come up with anything specific. But mostly, I don't want my children to become a pest to someone else's family. I'll be honest - I don't want any one of my kids' friends here all weekend. This also tethers me to the house because I don't want to leave them home alone. My own kids are fine to stay alone for short periods of time, but I'm not comfortable doing that with other children around. So if one of my kid's friends is spending the night on the weekend (mine and my husbands's time off of the week), then one of us always has to be home - or we take all the children with us.

Also - is it just me who's kid always comes home with an attitude after spending the night elsewhere? I hate that transition.

 

[Christine]

Also - is it just me who's kid always comes home with an attitude after spending the night elsewhere? I hate that transition.

No, this is common. But I will say it was worse when she was younger. Now that she is almost 15, she comes home fairly "normal" acting these days.