Parenting Help!!!

[2disneyboys]

I don't have son's this age yet and only have teenage nieces so I can't really speak from experience here... just going with my "gut" and from things I have read ( I love to read about ANYTHING so over the years, have read some really interesting topics)

I think I would ask myself if this is a sudden change in behavior or if he's always been this way.. this may be something as simple as he's hungry and acting like a normal preteen boy or it could be that all of this is a cry of help for something else.. (food isn't always really about the "food" you know!) if this is a change from his normal behavior (his attitude, treatment of family/friends, food, etc) I would suggest a serious one on one with him and/or you & your DH. maybe in a netural area (beach, park, somewhere that it would be ok if he got a little emotional or "loud" but not in your home or something.. ) let him know that he seems angry or upset to you and you need to understand what his feelings are so that you can help him with them or whatever... It might just be a cry for help about something...it could be something really simple like he got his feeling hurt about something some time ago and now only see's the "UNFAIR" treatment he gets (even if its not true, perception is always going to win) or if could be a true problem that needs sometype of intervention to resolve it.

if this is pretty much his normal behavior I would strongly suggest a family counsler who will see your son one on one and also in group settings.

Very few kids are truly "mean" natured. Yes some are, but most have bad spells or whatnot. Alot of the time, the meanness, spitefulness etc is just a sympthom of the real problem.

Good Luck with this! it's so hard to be a parent sometimes!

I am editing this as I went back and reread the 1st post and realised that your son is 10. my son is also 10 so I guess I do have a kid the same age! I have notied that my son is eating ALOT more, but he does not sneak the food or hide it. also I have noticed his attidude at times is a lot snippier then it used to be, but nothing to the degree you were describing. I would strongly suggest the counseling for him and also for you & dh w/ him. sometimes we need an outside set of eyes to help us see the obvious solution. Good Luck!

 

[sparks19]

This is exactly what my son does. I keep thinking he will grow out of it.

He gets really good grades at school. He has put on a lot of weight in the last 18 months. So, I think he is getting teased at school. I have had talks with the teacher about this--she tells me each time that she will put a stop to it.
With his siblings some of it is just them being kids, but he is always the one who has to "win." When I said that he destroys my DD's room, I meant messes it up. Just plays in there and not cleans it up. Not breaking things--he does not to that kind of thing.
Again--the food thing--there are some things i buy that are a treat. I do not think there is anything wrong with setting limits on how many they can have as a dessert.

I do think it is time to look at a counselor.

there absolutely is nothing wrong with setting limits for sweets.

It sounds like maybe the bullying at school may be the trigger for this. If he is being teased for putting on weight that could really have an effect and he could be an emotional eater.

 

[Magpie]

This is exactly what my son does. I keep thinking he will grow out of it.

He gets really good grades at school. He has put on a lot of weight in the last 18 months. So, I think he is getting teased at school. I have had talks with the teacher about this--she tells me each time that she will put a stop to it.
With his siblings some of it is just them being kids, but he is always the one who has to "win." When I said that he destroys my DD's room, I meant messes it up. Just plays in there and not cleans it up. Not breaking things--he does not to that kind of thing.
Again--the food thing--there are some things i buy that are a treat. I do not think there is anything wrong with setting limits on how many they can have as a dessert.

I do think it is time to look at a counselor.

All the best, to you and your son! Counselling made a big difference in my son's life, when he was having problems at school. He'd even started coming out in hives over his homework due to the anxiety, and all of that went away once he had someone to talk to.

Also, is your son becoming overweight? Hypoglycemia (which my son also has) can trigger carb cravings, over-eating, hunger and mood swings. It can also trigger depression and anxiety. Once I got all the low glycemic foods out of the house (white rice, white bread, processed foods, sweets, etc...) and got my family onto a low-carb/healthy-carb diet, it made a huge difference in our son's mood and his ability to handle frustration.

A healthy diet leads to a healthy body, which helps maintain a healthy mind. So while you're looking for a counselor, you might consider experimenting with your son's diet. My son was showing improvement within a week, when we switched to his new eating plan. I made him part of the change, and got him to help me cook and buy food.

 

[DSNY4ever]

This doesn't sound like a hungry kid to me. We had a neighbor growing up who would do stuff like this (my mom had to stop asking him to watch our dog while we were away because he would empty our fridge and freezer of anything remotely good and hide all of the wrappers at the bottom of our garbage can. He wasn't staying at our house, just feeding the dog). It was 100% emotional eating because this kid was WELL fed at home, but he had some other issues.

I would talk to your son about anything maybe going on at school or with friends and just make sure he knows he can talk to you about anything, and hope that it is nothing more than a kid acting out and try to nip this quickly as best you can.

Good luck

 

[Magic Mom]

How do you "steal" food in your own house?

Sounds like he needs more to eat, why not just buy more so he can eat what he needs?

It sounds like she has bought plenty. But he can't just eat a whole box of cookies just because he feels like it.

 

[Magic Mom]

This is exactly what my son does. I keep thinking he will grow out of it.

He gets really good grades at school. He has put on a lot of weight in the last 18 months. So, I think he is getting teased at school. I have had talks with the teacher about this--she tells me each time that she will put a stop to it.
With his siblings some of it is just them being kids, but he is always the one who has to "win." When I said that he destroys my DD's room, I meant messes it up. Just plays in there and not cleans it up. Not breaking things--he does not to that kind of thing.
Again--the food thing--there are some things i buy that are a treat. I do not think there is anything wrong with setting limits on how many they can have as a dessert.

I do think it is time to look at a counselor.

If he isn't getting along with kids at school, could he be displaying the same behavior there that he is at home? ....always having to win, not respecting other people's things?

 

[Wishing on a star]

Wow......
If all of this is true - then there are some SERIOUS issues here.
Several are jumping out at me like huge red flags... but I will refrain from saying more.

I really do not want to have to say this, but in all seriousness, it sounds like boy is not alone in his need for help/intervention.

I think all we can do is suggest some professional assistance/guidance and tell you that we wish for the best!

 

[bellebud]

has his personality always been a bit this way, and just more so now? Or is this a drastic change in personality? has he always had friends, and now not so much?

if he's always been a bit this way, and is just getting more so with age, I want to recommend the book "the five love languages of children". It helped me a lot with my ds9, and with every relationship, really.

my ds9 sounds a bit like your ds... nothing, and I mean nothing we did to "punish" him ever worked. We'd load up big, black gargabe bags full of toys when he was younger and put them away as a punishment (maybe for breaking his sister's toy), and he'd be like "ok". He'd get crazy in his sis's room when she'd allow him in (hyper kid). He'd climb my walls (literally - climbing up the molding). He'd tantrum (in such a fake way) in the middle of the floor when something didn't go his way (only at home - he'd be too embarrassed in public)... he was just "king of the button pushers".

I remember when I was seeing a therapist (for myself), I was asking about ds's behavior and what to do, and she said "most" (of course not all) problem's kids display are a cry for attention, and to pay it to them. If you're having a problem w/ your kid, spend more one on one time, take them out to eat (which she said was a double whammy - in a good way - filling them up w/ food and love at the same time).

Anyway, this book helped me to more clearly see his personality, and to understand him, so that I could show him my love on his level. A child (or anyone really) will not feel loved if they're not receiving it in their own love language. If I'm remembering correctly, the five are service, quality time, affection (touching and words), material things and, and, ... maybe the touching and words are 2 different ones, or there's 1 I'm forgetting. Anyway, most people 'speak' in their own love language (so they show love to others in the way they feel love from others).

Here's my ds's example... I figured out his love languages are service and quality time. I never realized the importance of this before for him. Now I know, if I cut the crusts off his sandwich, he feels loved, more than if I hug him and say "I love you". My dd11's love languages are pretty much mine, words and touch, so I never had a problem w/ her (discipline-wise). And she feels my love constantly, because I'm such a touchy, "I love you honey" type person.

If I clean my ds's room for him, it means so much to him (so much more than if I clean my dd's room - so I don't clean hers - LOL). If I cut his steak for him (which dh HATES when I do, because he thinks I'm catering to him and he's old enough to do it - yes, he is old enough, and he can do it, but he LOVES when mommy does it, and I gladly do it). I notice such a change in his behavior when I remember to speak his love language. It didn't come naturally for me, because these were not 'my' love languages, so I would really try to remember, and it's gotten easier and easier.

This really made sense to me when I first read the book, because I so clearly remember a conversation my mom had with her mom (when I was a late teen). My mom was 'complaining' to her mom that she never paid her any compliments growing up, and that my mom never really felt loved. My Nana was in disbelief! "What do you mean, you didn't *feel* my love?!? I set your hair in rollers every single night! Do you know how much that hurt my hands? I made sure you had a full breakfast and a good dinner every single day! I cleaned our house spotless because I wanted my family to live in a clean house". They both had very different love languages. My Nana's was mostly service, and my mom's was words and touch. My nana never said "I love you" to my mom, until my mom had kids of her own, and Nana started saying it to the grandkids. But my mom needed to 'hear' it growing up, and all my Nana could do was 'show' it. It was a sad conversation.

So, anywho, this has even helped me in my relationship w/others... like my mil. Her love language is service and material things. She is not "lovey" at all, which I had a hard time w/ at first, especially when I had kids because she wasn't lovey to them, even as babies and toddlers... but when one of my kids is sick, she always sends some homemade chicken soup over. Now I know what it really means. And I can explain this to my kids too. Presents are a really big deal to her too. Material things also isn't bad like it sounds... it's more like "you were thinking of me when we were apart" kind of thing. My step-dad is like this. If my mom goes out shopping and brings him home a penny's worth of anything, he feels loved. And he shows his love to her by buying her little things - he doesn't say "I love you"

My ds also is a very independent spirit, a lot like one of my brothers. We started homeschooling 2 years ago, and I assessed the kids' learning styles at that time. I can't tell you how much understanding ds's learning style has also helped me to understand his whole personality more. He's a kid who sees the big picture, and gets very annoyed with little details. This helps me in his learning, but it also explains so much about his personality. This is just the tip of the iceburg, but again, I understand my ds now - his weaknesses and strengths, what's important to him and what's not (and most of it is not in line w/ my own self, so this would have all been foreign to me). You certainly don't have to homeschool to assess a learning style, but it shows you a person as a whole, so I'll just post this site if you feel like trying it out to better understand your child...

http://www.learningsuccessinstitute.com/mariaemma.html

I also like the book "the way they learn" by cynthia ulrich tobias. These 2 assessments, along w/ the love languages book, helped me more than anything else w/ my ds and his behavior.


Now, back to your ds... if this is a big change of behavior, I'd go w/ what the others suggested and have him see someone.

Good luck!! He sounds like a handful - I should know, I have one of them! But channeling that spirit in good ways can help them so much! Nothing's perfect, and we still have many challenging moments, but I "get" my kid now.

 

[Spoodleink]

This is exactly what my son does. I keep thinking he will grow out of it.

He gets really good grades at school. He has put on a lot of weight in the last 18 months. So, I think he is getting teased at school. I have had talks with the teacher about this--she tells me each time that she will put a stop to it.
With his siblings some of it is just them being kids, but he is always the one who has to "win." When I said that he destroys my DD's room, I meant messes it up. Just plays in there and not cleans it up. Not breaking things--he does not to that kind of thing.
Again--the food thing--there are some things i buy that are a treat. I do not think there is anything wrong with setting limits on how many they can have as a dessert.

I do think it is time to look at a counselor.

The bulling at school may be worse then he is letting on to you. The issues with food and having to win all the time with his siblings are his way of having control over something. If he is being bullied and the teacher and school are not doing anything about it he probably feels pretty powerless at school so he is overcompensating at home.

A counselor is a good idea he may have an easier time opening up to some one outside of the situation. Is he a very sensitive child ? You originally said he "destroyed" his sisters room when you meant he just made messes in there. He maybe internalizing similar statements you make around him and think he is the "bad kid" in the family. I know it's something that wouldn't phase most kids but some seem to take off the cuff comments like that to heart. Counseling would be a real help if that is case.

 

[brockash]

First, I'd make sure you're feeding him enough.

If your other children aren't like that and he truly values nothing that you can take away, I'd say you should take him to a counselor/therapist so she/he can get to the bottom of things and give you some ideas on how to parent a child with his personality and issues.

I completely agree. Also, I'd really stay away from telling your ds that he's "stealing" food...I mean really No matter how much food my kids eat, there's no way they'd be stealing any of it. It just sounds so messed up to say your minor aged child is "stealing" food from you

If your child is eating too much junk food, than personally I think it's my responsibility to either not buy as much junk food or not make it accessible to him. I mean he's a kid, of course he's going to want to eat junk instead of healthy stuff. My ds is 9 and he knows that he has to ask to have any kind of junk food, before he eats it. If he started just taking it, and after I told him again that he needed to ask, he was continuing to take it without asking. I'd probably stop buying junk food all together. -I guess if your other kids are able to only eat what junk food you decide is allowed; I'd probably still buy some for them, but honestly, until you get the situation under control; I'd hide it from your 10 year old. I'd sit down and explain what junk food does to his body and keep that an ongoing conversation.

I agree that it sounds like there's much more going on here, and that speaking to a therapist, would probably be beneficial (especially for the constant lying thing without caring about the repercussions.)

 

[smb6]

Wow!! Just asking for a little help here!! Yes this is our child that I birthed! Yes, I consider it stealing food--the things that he is taking what is considered sweets. They are for Dessert only. This is a known rule in our house. We have 5 kids and he is the only one that does this! We have fruit and veggies that are free food--they can have as much as they want of those things. We are trying to instill a healthy lifestyle for our kids.

Didn't mean to come across harsh; just expressing the way I viewed your OP.

I have 5 kids also- 4 boys. My older boys (11 and 13) never get full. From my experience boys go through a stage from about age 10 till there in their mid twenties where they can eat anything and everything! So, eating an entire box of granola bars is more common than you may think. Hiding it is not! Sure, he may have signs of an eating disorder or you may need to be more lax on his eating. I personally don't view taking food from your own home as stealing.

I once had a neighbor that said their son stole their deodorant. IMO- he used their deodorant, he didn't steal it. My experience with this family is they were super controlling of their child and eventually drove him out of the home. Your OP reminded me of this family and raised concerns. I recognize that you may not be the controlling type, but I perhaps jumped the gun- my apologies if that is the case.

My personal advice would be to allow him to eat more filling foods and do not purchase foods that you don't really want him to have so that you remove the temptation. This is clearly a problem for him and by having the food readily available in your home may be setting him up for failure given that he has a problem moderating his food intake. I would speak with both the pediatrician and a therapist.

 

[njmom47]

Could there be any physical reasons behind the behavior?

 

[momof1princess]

OP, you said your DS has put on weight the past year or so, and you think he's being teased...this is likely the reason he's eating more food and hiding it, and being mean to his siblings. how do i know this? because the exact same thing happened to me. it started after my parents divorced-i ate for comfort, gained a lot of weight, kids at school teased me, and i ate even more to comfort myself more. i was a size 18 until my senior year of HS, when i went on slim-fast (which was new at the time) and lost down to a size 7. i was on a diet rollercoaster from age 11 to age 33, when i had gastric bypass surgery at 374.5 pounds.
PLEASE, find a counselor for your son. based on your posts (and this is JMHO, going on my own experiences), your son seems to be very unhappy and is dealing with it inappropriately by bullying and sneaking treats. this is something you cannot stop without help-i know, i'm dealing with it again due to my mom's mental illness, and i cannot afford to get help right now, i'm just muddling along the best i can and trying desperately not to gain too much weight.

 

[JoiseyMom]

OP, my DS is almost 10 and he has been stealing junk food for years. I have a padlock on our pantry door, where I lock up the "junk" food. The first time he did this (that we really noticed it) was for Halloween a few years back...he ate his entire bag! . Now he was allowed candy and nosh, but only in certain quatities.

DS is ADHD, and when on certain meds didn't eat...but once hungry we had plenty of food he liked to eat around. When talking to our pediatrician and therapist, they both said that it is part of the impulsivity of the ADHD. Now, I know how much boys eat, I have 2 adult sons, and one of them used to plow through my leftovers! LOL...had to cook less once he went away to college!!

DS is finally starting to eat more food at meals. WHere he would get a small portion, I am starting to give him bigger ones.

Could your son have impulse issues??

 

[ckmommy]

OP, my DS is almost 10 and he has been stealing junk food for years. I have a padlock on our pantry door, where I lock up the "junk" food. The first time he did this (that we really noticed it) was for Halloween a few years back...he ate his entire bag! . Now he was allowed candy and nosh, but only in certain quatities.

DS is ADHD, and when on certain meds didn't eat...but once hungry we had plenty of food he liked to eat around. When talking to our pediatrician and therapist, they both said that it is part of the impulsivity of the ADHD. Now, I know how much boys eat, I have 2 adult sons, and one of them used to plow through my leftovers! LOL...had to cook less once he went away to college!!

DS is finally starting to eat more food at meals. WHere he would get a small portion, I am starting to give him bigger ones.

Could your son have impulse issues??

I almost hate responding to my own thread.

This sounds like DS too. The taking of junk food at least.
Question for you--since been on meds for the implusivity, has his taking food gotten better?

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

OP - it sounds like he is self medicating with the sweets.

If he is having social issues, as you claim, then filling himself with sweets, there is something else going on and you should take the advice of PPs who said to seek some help.

Is he involved in any type of activities to get out some of his aggressions? He may feel smothered and may need to get out some of his frustration somehow... art, music, martial arts, athletics... anything may help him find some common ground with his peers.

 

[sparks19]

OP, my DS is almost 10 and he has been stealing junk food for years. I have a padlock on our pantry door, where I lock up the "junk" food. The first time he did this (that we really noticed it) was for Halloween a few years back...he ate his entire bag! . Now he was allowed candy and nosh, but only in certain quatities.

DS is ADHD, and when on certain meds didn't eat...but once hungry we had plenty of food he liked to eat around. When talking to our pediatrician and therapist, they both said that it is part of the impulsivity of the ADHD. Now, I know how much boys eat, I have 2 adult sons, and one of them used to plow through my leftovers! LOL...had to cook less once he went away to college!!

DS is finally starting to eat more food at meals. WHere he would get a small portion, I am starting to give him bigger ones.

Could your son have impulse issues??

This is an excellent point. My nephew who did this also has ADHD and had some serious impulse control issues. And he always fought with his siter and it was more than just si ling rivalry

 

[JoiseyMom]

I almost hate responding to my own thread.

This sounds like DS too. The taking of junk food at least.
Question for you--since been on meds for the implusivity, has his taking food gotten better?

He has been on meds since he was five, so the stealing of junk food has been going on even with meds. At times he was good, and I left it unlocked, and praised him. Then I saw what should have been a full container of cookies from Trader Joes. It is locked again...

He knows there are consequences to his actions. He just has to accept it. These days he just tries to rationalize his behavior. Now, some of it is ADHD, and some is just 10 year old boy.

SOrry I don't have better news for you.

 

[2disneyboys]

{snip}
if he's always been a bit this way, and is just getting more so with age, I want to recommend the book "the five love languages of children". It helped me a lot with my ds9, and with every relationship, really.
{snip}.

Not to go totally Off Topic here, but the application of the principals in the Five Love Languages (original adult version) SAVED my marriage (literally!) and made me a better person in my interactions with friends, family, coworkers, colleages etc. I'll have to get the one for Children as I bet thats a good read!

 

[MoniqueU]

I am glad my DH and kids aren't frisking me for cookie wrappers LOL. I would be in handcuffs if they pressed charges.

Honestly though my aunt used to have super strict rules about what and when you could eat things. It was real weird to me as a kid and I never followed in her footsteps. I do not want to get in a battle with my kids over food. My oldest DD is upstairs eating girl scout cookies and doing homework as we sepak. Too bad I am in a cast and can't make it upstairs or I would "steal" from her!!