Parenting advice please... Updated page two... THE PUNISHMENT!

[Microcell]

As some of you might know, I do tend to be strict, but this has me unsure, because I don't know if I need to build trust or teach honesty.

DD 7 just came down here, and asked if I could forgive her if she marked the bathroom stall at school. I said "Did you do that?" she said "No, I was just curious..." I said, "Well, it is not like you killed someone, but you really shouldn't mark the wall." Then she burst into tears and begged me to forgive her, that she actually had marked the stall with a heart and she was so sorry.

She then begged me not to tell her teacher because she just knows that the teacher will send her to the principal and that is just so scary. She offered to clean it, which I told her she would have to do. Right now she has to clean the entire living room, which is a pretty big punishment if you saw my living room.

So what would you do? Should I enlist the teacher in teaching her that she should not mark walls, or should I just tell her I won't say anything this time, thus hopefully teaching her she can open up with me.

My strict gut feels like she needs to come clean with the teacher (she seems to think that will happen anyway- she asked me to email it to her so she wouldn't have to tell in person). I will make her tell her face to face if we do that.

Would I be making a federal case about nothing really? Lets face it, we have all written on the bathroom stall.

Let me know what you would do.

 

[Pop Daddy]

you are sooo sexy

 

[swilphil]

I don't know if this particular incident needs to be taken to the teacher (does the teacher REALLY care?) Obviously she needs to clean the stall, and you are punishing her by making her clean the living room. Now if the teacher asks about the stall specifically, then she needs to tell the truth. If you tell the teacher, will she continue to be honest with you in the future?? That would be my fear.

 

[shortbun]

Tell the custodian and have her clean it. Nothing else. She's already beside herself with fear.

 

[Marseeya]

If your school is a zero policy type of school, you might want to just take care of it at home. But if you think they'll use their brains and give an appropriate punishment, then go for it.

 

[Swimnoid]

Tell the custodian and have her clean it. Nothing else. She's already beside herself with fear.

I like this choice. Thats his department anyway and he would probably really appreciate it.

 

[Microcell]

I don't know if this particular incident needs to be taken to the teacher (does the teacher REALLY care?) Obviously she needs to clean the stall, and you are punishing her by making her clean the living room. Now if the teacher asks about the stall specifically, then she needs to tell the truth. If you tell the teacher, will she continue to be honest with you in the future?? That would be my fear.

To answer your question, you bet your booty the teacher cares!!! DD was in the middle of cleaning and came down and told me the teacher is suspicious because the janitor brought it to her attention and narrowed it down to that class. So I told her in that case, someone else should not get in trouble so she would have to tell the teacher. She was panicked, and I remembered that her teacher had said it is best to contact her after 9, so we called her, because the fear was darned near parlyzing for her.

The teacher praised her for having the courage to come forward and then asked to talk to me. She told me she was absolutely shocked it was my DD and then she floored me by telling me it was more than a heart, but a declaration of love for a boy!!!!!

I had no clue at all about this crush, and that is how they narrowed it down, the boy has a distinctive name, and he is in her class. I am sooo not ready for this. She is cleaning the living room right now and will have to own up to her dad (he is on his way home from a business trip) and that will crush her. The janitor cleaned the stall, so she will write him a note, and her teacher is leaning toward her having to tell the principal. I guess we got a teacher that is just about as strict as I am!

Then we will move on.

Swil, I am really kind of surprised that the teacher was grilling the other kids about it, but that is what she told me. You are from KC, you would think I live in Johnson County or something, just Lee's Summit!

Pop Daddy- I thought I was praticularly sexy when I wrote it, but decided to have more of a serious tone. Darn, I was sexy twice.

 

[Mermaid02]

I was going to say have her apologize to the custodian and have her clean it up. I'm sure he would appreciate it.

 

[Miss Inga Depointe]

If you tell the teacher, will she continue to be honest with you in the future?? That would be my fear.

This would be my fear. She confessed to you and I'm impressed with that. And you'll make it right. I don't think she needs the Spanish Inquisition.

OK, I'll say it for all you old Monty Python fans just itching to...."nobody expects the spanish inquisition!!!"

 

[shortbun]

Just my opinion but this seems to have gotten really mountainous in proportion! Good grief! Are they going to replicate her drawing and make her wear it? Have none of these grownups made mistakes? Is everyone else in that school letter perfect? The custodian had narrowed it down and the teacher was grilling other students? WAAAY to much drama for a"susie loves john" IMHO!!

 

[SDFgirl]

I think the fact that your daughter confessed and feels bad is a testament to how you've raised her. Good job!

Personally, I think it was handled appropriately, it certainly sounds like she's learned her lesson. I don't think getting the principal involved is necessary - she made a mistake, for pete's sakes! Every kid (and adults) make mistakes, it sounds like she feels bad enough already to guarantee that she'll never, ever write on the wall again!

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

I think it's being handled well. An apology to the custodian and the teacher, and then let it blow over.

I have to disagree with shortbun about making too big a deal about things. Little things like this can turn into bigger things down the road if they aren't dealt with. I think that's how the school and mom are looking at it--if the kid starts to learn that she can get away with stuff, what will she try next time? Or 5 years from now? OTOH, once a form of restitution is made, it's done, clean slate--the kid shouldn't be wearing a "scarlet heart" for the next 5 years. Even good kids can do bad things once in a while (right now I'm in a drama over a note in music class with DD10). You deal and move on.

 

[jipsy]

I have to agree with shortbun; I think waaayyy too much is being made out of it. And I don't agree with making a child clean a house for punishment; it will make her dread cleaning when she gets older. I know from personal experience. The fact that she told you and told the teacher is great; a written apology to all should be good. She's already embarrassed enough as it is; I'm sure that by now the boy who she wrote about knows who did it. That has got to be really embarrassing too. Don't give the child any more neuroses than she already seems to have.

 

[mom2boys]

Just my opinion but this seems to have gotten really mountainous in proportion! Good grief! Are they going to replicate her drawing and make her wear it? Have none of these grownups made mistakes? Is everyone else in that school letter perfect? The custodian had narrowed it down and the teacher was grilling other students? WAAAY to much drama for a"susie loves john" IMHO!!

It's not about what she wrote on the wall. It's that she wrote on the wall - not in her notebook. She defaced school property. That is vandalism. Yes, it is very minor. And I think it is being handled appropriately.
Not bashing your daughter, I have kids who have their moments too - just like I did. I imagine the embarassment of it all is even worse than the cleaning she is having to do. This lesson will stay with her - and as you are aware, it's minor in the scheme of life.

 

[Alicnwondrln]

If your school is a zero policy type of school, you might want to just take care of it at home. But if you think they'll use their brains and give an appropriate punishment, then go for it.

i agree with this
some schools might go to far and you dont want something on her record
you never know

 

[swilphil]

To answer your question, you bet your booty the teacher cares!!! DD was in the middle of cleaning and came down and told me the teacher is suspicious because the janitor brought it to her attention and narrowed it down to that class. So I told her in that case, someone else should not get in trouble so she would have to tell the teacher. She was panicked, and I remembered that her teacher had said it is best to contact her after 9, so we called her, because the fear was darned near parlyzing for her.

The teacher praised her for having the courage to come forward and then asked to talk to me. She told me she was absolutely shocked it was my DD and then she floored me by telling me it was more than a heart, but a declaration of love for a boy!!!!!

I had no clue at all about this crush, and that is how they narrowed it down, the boy has a distinctive name, and he is in her class. I am sooo not ready for this. She is cleaning the living room right now and will have to own up to her dad (he is on his way home from a business trip) and that will crush her. The janitor cleaned the stall, so she will write him a note, and her teacher is leaning toward her having to tell the principal. I guess we got a teacher that is just about as strict as I am!

Then we will move on.

Swil, I am really kind of surprised that the teacher was grilling the other kids about it, but that is what she told me. You are from KC, you would think I live in Johnson County or something, just Lee's Summit!

Well, if the teacher was that concerned about it, you did the right thing by telling her. I actually was a high school teacher in Johnson County and was never really bothered by bathroom stall graffitti. If it was on the walls or the desks, it bothered me but not in bathroom stalls. I had too many other things to worry about.

 

[Rock'n Robin]

I think praising her honesty know will help later as well. I agree that this should not be a major, suspension type issue, but a note of apology and maybe staying inside at recess for a day might be the ticket.
In 3rd grade DD#1 let a friend have an answer on a science test, and was then so ashamed she told the teacher what happened. The teacher called us and explained that DD was losing some points, the friend was losing more (since she asked) and also getting a call, but that she admired DD's honesty for coming forward. I really doubt DD would do that for a long while, and hope she still wouldn't, although in 8th grade I know friends can be more important.
Robin M.

 

[horseshowmom]

By any chance, does your daughter lean toward being a little bit theatrical? My DD was so melodramatic when she was younger that sometimes you would have to get out of her sight to keep her from seeing that you were about to laugh. She could turn a molehill into one of the Rocky Mtns. Fortunately, she outgrew it (well, most of it anyway ).

It sounds like everything worked out for the best. I would have supported her honesty and supported her in talking to the teacher. As someone who used to be in the classroom, I applaud you for teaching your child that it is not okay to deface public property. She does have my sympathy about the "declaration of love" (bless her little heart). I don't think you'll ever have that problem again.

It sounds like you handled it as well as you could under the circumstances. How is she doing?

 

[Microcell]

She comes home in 1/2 hour, and I was not called to pick her up, so suspension is out I think! Her teacher sounded on the phone like a visit to the principal was a sure thing. We shall see.

She did clean the living room without her brother's help, and cleaned her bedroom as well. She wrote the custodians a letter of apology and couldn't see her friends this weekend. It may seem to some that I was too harsh, but this was a first offense and I intend to make it a last offense. I know that I am dreaming if I think this is the last time we will not see eye to eye, but she needs to know that I mean business. There are ways my DD is not allowed to act.

Swil Phil, I went to Shawnee Mission West in HS and I have heard they have a daycare now for the young moms so they can attend school! . I am sure you had plenty to deal with!

 

[Toby'sFriend]

well, for the most part I have a theory that misbehavior at school has consequences at school and misbehavior at home has consequences at home. I don't think I would have had my child clean a room at home.

Bathroom antics are pretty common. As a general rule, our school has the kids serve a detention where they help the janitor empty wastebaskets, carry out trash, sweep some floors etc. Believe me, I and nearly every other parent of a boy in my son's class learned that last year. It serves the dual purpose of providing a consequence and teaching the kids that those bathrooms and classrooms aren't cleaned by magical fairies but an honest to goodness human who has to spend extra time cleaning up the extra messes.

As for "would I forgive her" you bet. But there is a lesson to be learned in that forgiveness doesn't equal "hey let's just not tell" and also that admitting mistakes and accepting what happens isn't the end of the world.