*parental question - your opinion please*

[DznyFan]

I'm the parent [mom] of a straight girl, nearly 17, who is very active in musical theatre and vocal jazz, and as a result, friends with several gay guys. (I'm open-minded - my best friend from HS was gay, and have had several male and female gay friends since.) One of her closest friends spends a great deal of time with her, and they're practically inseperable. Great guy, and I just love him! He wants to have her spend the night at his home (he's in HS, too), and I'm considering it. Or at least over at our house. I allow her more freedoms with him than I normally would with a guy, such as being in our home after school before we get home from work.

So.... what's your take? Like I said, I'm considering letting them, but I'm struggling with the decision, because I would never allow it if he were straight, obviously... but I also struggle with the co-ed sleepover part, despite his orientation. help?

 

[OrlandoMike]

I think your safe. It's like Will having Grace over for a fun time.

Have it at your house the first time so you can supervise.

 

[LukenDC]

As far as the relationship between your daughter and her gay male friend, I think that it's fine for them to spend time together and even do a sleepover. You know the two people in question best. Would they respect each other's physical space?

When I was in my early 20's, I went to Paris with a straight female friend of mine and we shared a bed for a week. It would not have been my preference to do so, but the hotel room that we had been assigned to had only one bed. We respected each other and our families knew the situation, so it was no problem.

One possible concern is that people in the neighborhood and your daughter's school could begin to gossip or start making judgements about your daughter and her friend. Unfortunately, people can be cruel and once gossip starts it can take all sorts of strange twists and turns.

 

[DznyFan]

One possible concern is that people in the neighborhood and your daughter's school could begin to gossip or start making judgements about your daughter and her friend. Unfortunately, people can be cruel and once gossip starts it can take all sorts of strange twists and turns.

Definitely a concern. But as long as they were discreet and don't go around bragging or talking about staying over it should be ok - you never know what information kids will take and run with, like you said.

For clarification, if they do stay over with us, I'll have him take the guest/game room - we've got a hideabed in there.

 

[Psychometrika]

I know children (and their parents) are cruel. Trust me, I know. But I wouldn't worry about keeping this a "secret". The more you try, the more likely it is to be on the evening news. Know what I mean? And, learning to deal with stupid people is, unfortunately, a good learning experience. I know you want to protect your daughter... but protection runs two ways. I find that allowing them to encounter tough experiences is better protection than trying to fence them off from the world - as long as it isn't truly dangerous or irresponsible. She'll learn how people can hate, how it can hurt, AND most importantly, who she can turn to for support and how she can respond. It's one thing to talk the talk, quite another to walk the walk. Personally, that's a lesson few learn these days. Your daughter will be building her bank of experience and will be a better person for it. Often when we are hurt, we realize how much we can hurt others....and some of us, change.

As a gay man who shared a bed with my best friend (a straight girl) for three weeks in Europe, knowing that she was in love with me as well, I can assure you - if he's really gay... you're safe!

When I read your post, I had to read it a few times as it wasn't clear to me this guy was gay (apart from the fact that you posted it here!) I think it's GREAT that you asked, great that you are interested in your daughter and her friends, and open minded enough to truly parent your daughter. I know too many who would think in black and white - either the "F**" needs to stay away from my daughter" or you'd be uninvolved. The human species needs more parents who are involved in a reasonable way - open and supportive, but also protective and loving. While so many "some of my best friends are gay" questions posted here are "loaded" with an agenda - you are a breath of fresh air. Thanks, and good luck!

 

[bubie2.5]

I don't know... what if he's not really gay? What if they're pretending he's gay just to throw you off?

Honestly, if you trust your daughter, I don't see a problem with a co-ed sleepover.

 

[Viki]

OK, I'm out on a limb here, but I would think twice - not NOT allow it, but think twice, for my daughter or son (18 and 17).

The reason I say this is because plenty of lesbian and gay folk - for all sorts of reasons, sometimes having nothing to do with sex - have "slept" with people of the opposite sex.

Reasons can range from curiousity, wanting to be absolutely sure, emotional and physical attractions becoming confused, social pressures, friend pressures, and internal psychological pressures.

But, listen, I'm a pastor - I hear lots of confessions - and I tend to know too much

 

[Psychometrika]

While I can understand your point Viki, consider that this girl is 17. If she wanted to have sex by now, she would have. She's going to be going to college soon or out of the house soon and all bets are off.

He's sleeping in a separate bedroom. Gay, straight, or otherwise, what does it matter? Unless he's an axe murderer it would seem better as a "protective" parent, to allow the daughter flexibility within a more secure environment than in the outside world.

I frankly can't see a negative here...they're friends. Whether he is gay or straight why would anyone assume that something is going to happen (or is probable, possible). If this were a stranger - sure - but this boy has been friends with this girl for some time ... I think the "cover the outlets" manner in which we try to protect children creates children who have no clue as to how the world works. The more we try to over protect in the name of "caring" the more we hurt the child. I don't mean to suggest that we should leave the rat poison out for a two year old to munch on, but we need to be reasonable.

Besides - wouldn't it be a pretty poor message to send to the daughter to say, ultimately, "Sorry - I don't trust you to use your judgment"? If things got uncomfortable for her, the parent is in the same house.

 

[Psychometrika]

While I can understand your point Viki, consider that this girl is 17. If she wanted to have sex by now, she would have. She's going to be going to college soon or out of the house soon and all bets are off.

He's sleeping in a separate bedroom. Gay, straight, or otherwise, what does it matter? Unless he's an axe murderer it would seem better as a "protective" parent, to allow the daughter flexibility within a more secure environment than in the outside world.

I frankly can't see a negative here...they're friends. Whether he is gay or straight why would anyone assume that something is going to happen (or is probable, possible). If this were a stranger - sure - but this boy has been friends with this girl for some time ... I think the "cover the outlets" manner in which we try to protect children creates children who have no clue as to how the world works. The more we try to over protect in the name of "caring" the more we hurt the child. I don't mean to suggest that we should leave the rat poison out for a two year old to munch on, but we need to be reasonable.

Besides - wouldn't it be a pretty poor message to send to the daughter to say, ultimately, "Sorry - I don't trust you to use your judgment"? If things got uncomfortable for her, the parent is in the same house.

 

[Aidensmom]

While I can understand your point Viki, consider that this girl is 17. If she wanted to have sex by now, she would have. She's going to be going to college soon or out of the house soon and all bets are off.

He's sleeping in a separate bedroom. Gay, straight, or otherwise, what does it matter? Unless he's an axe murderer it would seem better as a "protective" parent, to allow the daughter flexibility within a more secure environment than in the outside world.

I frankly can't see a negative here...they're friends. Whether he is gay or straight why would anyone assume that something is going to happen (or is probable, possible). If this were a stranger - sure - but this boy has been friends with this girl for some time ... I think the "cover the outlets" manner in which we try to protect children creates children who have no clue as to how the world works. The more we try to over protect in the name of "caring" the more we hurt the child. I don't mean to suggest that we should leave the rat poison out for a two year old to munch on, but we need to be reasonable.

Besides - wouldn't it be a pretty poor message to send to the daughter to say, ultimately, "Sorry - I don't trust you to use your judgment"? If things got uncomfortable for her, the parent is in the same house.

As someone who did not have sex till AFTER I was 17, I disagree with your logic that she would have done it by now. I agree with Viki. I know several gay people that have dated and have had sex with the opposite sex, even though they knew they were and were open about being gay when they were in their teenage years.

 

[Psychometrika]

There was no "logic" involved. I said if she WANTED to have sex by now she would have (or perhaps I should have said could have) by now. That's it. I didn't engage in it til well after 17 either - but then I didn't have a burning desire for it. The basic point is - if she wanted to engage in it, preventing a "sleepover" isn't going to stop it - she'd simply find an alternate route.

Would you rather she lie and say "I'm going to my friend Sally's house" and then sneak over to do whatever it was she really wanted to do - or would you rather be honest, open and trusting. It's IN the parent's house. He's sleeping in a seperate room. The mother is THERE! She's SEVENTEEN not twelve. What do you suggest the mother do when the daughter go off to college? Put up an electric fence around her?

I'm not sure what logic I am supposed to have violated, but I believe such things are really handled within the relationship. If she trusts her daugher - then prove it. Doesn't mean she can't pop in here and there on some excuse or other to just help her keep piece of mind.

But answer me this - if you don't know whether your child is gay or lesbian - would you allow a same sex sleepover? Remember you don't know about your child or the other child. Can you trust em? Better not let anyone have a sleepover then... because you never know. Trust - either it's there or it isn't. If you trust, then do it. If not, then don't.

 

[SunFloridaDisney]

I believe such things are really handled within the relationship. If she trusts her daugher - then prove it. Doesn't mean she can't pop in here and there on some excuse or other to just help her keep piece of mind.

But answer me this - if you don't know whether your child is gay or lesbian - would you allow a same sex sleepover? Remember you don't know about your child or the other child. Can you trust em? Better not let anyone have a sleepover then... because you never know. Trust - either it's there or it isn't. If you trust, then do it. If not, then don't.

I agree with this, though I understand Viki's concerns as well. I tend to also give my kids a lot of freedoms in making decisions, as they get older they NEED to be able to do this, and to make mistakes along the way. My DD21 lives at home while going to college, but she spent 6 months in her own apartment a few years ago. It was scary, but a part of growing up.

OP, I'd go with your instinct, but I vote for allowing the sleepover.


off on another tangent, I had to laugh when I saw this because there was a thread on the CB a few weeks ago where a mom said she has NEVER allowed her 18 yr old to sleep over anywhere - and the kid was heading off to college!! I was kinda bashed on that one when I commented that her opinion seemed really "out there" to me.

 

[RickinNYC]

There was no "logic" involved. I said if she WANTED to have sex by now she would have (or perhaps I should have said could have) by now. That's it. I didn't engage in it til well after 17 either - but then I didn't have a burning desire for it. The basic point is - if she wanted to engage in it, preventing a "sleepover" isn't going to stop it - she'd simply find an alternate route.

Would you rather she lie and say "I'm going to my friend Sally's house" and then sneak over to do whatever it was she really wanted to do - or would you rather be honest, open and trusting. It's IN the parent's house. He's sleeping in a seperate room. The mother is THERE! She's SEVENTEEN not twelve. What do you suggest the mother do when the daughter go off to college? Put up an electric fence around her?

I'm not sure what logic I am supposed to have violated, but I believe such things are really handled within the relationship. If she trusts her daugher - then prove it. Doesn't mean she can't pop in here and there on some excuse or other to just help her keep piece of mind.

But answer me this - if you don't know whether your child is gay or lesbian - would you allow a same sex sleepover? Remember you don't know about your child or the other child. Can you trust em? Better not let anyone have a sleepover then... because you never know. Trust - either it's there or it isn't. If you trust, then do it. If not, then don't.

Psycho, Aidemsmom was just offering another side to the discussion. No need to jump down her throat whatsoever.

 

[DznyFan]

I appreciate all the angles and possiblilties explored by the replies posted. All of you make very valid points. I have no doubt, Viki, that you've heard more than you want to from some people.

As for the "if she's going to have sex" angle - I work, her dad works. Although she's busy (dance, theatre, voice, work), there's still time after school, and all summer long. She has had plenty of opportunity. Regardless of the "house rules", kids break them (I remember being a teenager).
She's pretty open to me about intimate activity, and she's also very serious about the abstainence vows she's taken.

As for whether there would be "experimentation" - I seriously don't think so. He doesn't strike me as the 'try the other side' type - really. He's very open and comfortable with himself. I already allow him in my home in the afternoons after school (if the kids need to work on some music or something) without parental supervision, because I don't feel like he's any threat to her chastity. Some might think me nuts for that, but, as previously stated, he's the only male that has our consent to be over and IN the home when I'm not there.

I don't know... what if he's not really gay? What if they're pretending he's gay just to throw you off?

Nope.

Perhaps I sound a bit naive, but I have fairly open lines of communication with my DD. Do I think she tells me everything? No way. Does she do things that [she thinks] I don't know about? Of course! She's a teenager. I usually get the "how did you know?"... I'm a mom - it's my job to know; about who she's spending time with, what she's doing, and where she's at. She is a typical teen in many ways, but in many more ways, she's not. I count myself extremely fortunate to have the kind of kid I do. I believe SHE'D make the right decision if someone (regardless of whom) were to put her in a compromising position.

She and discussed possible social "fallout" over the weekend - and she agrees that this could 'get out', for lack of a better term, and who knows what people might say. I guess one upside is they are at a HUGE school, and the social circles pretty much keep to themselves.

Who knows what will happen - but again, I appreciate all your input and viewpoints - that's why I asked!

 

[OrlandoMike]

Rent some DVD's (Musicals are a good bet)

Make some snacks (Heck, he may want to do this for you)

Roll out some sleeping bags

And let them have fun!

From what I have read, you seem to be a great parent, and I'm sure under your supervision, it will be a great evening!

 

[Psychometrika]

Psycho, Aidemsmom was just offering another side to the discussion. No need to jump down her throat whatsoever.

So who was jumping down anyone's throat? I responded to the suggestion that my "logic" was flawed - and it could be - but I didn't express a "logic" argument in the original post...simple a statement....not a causal relationship. It was/is a question about what was considered to have been implied in my response. But ok .. not to worry .. I won't come back.

 

[TinkerbellMama]

I would allow it and not worry one bit. My opinion is that if you've done a good job raising your child (and it seems that you have!), she will generally do the right thing by age 17. In another year, she'll be out on her own (or could be, theoretically). I am not a fan of babying teenagers. Give them some space, kwim? Let her have a sleepover with her friend. You seem to trust her judgment and approve of the morals she has adopted for herself. I think that says it all. It's not your job to protect her from everything in life...it's your job to prepare her to protect herself. JMHO.
To be fair, I'd allow it even if the friend in question were straight. They're sleeping in separate rooms, right? If you and your daughter have such great communication (and it really does seem that you do, from what you've described), then I don't think she'd set up some elaborate scheme by which to have sex with her fake-gay-really-straight-hot-to-trot-pseudo-boyfriend under your nose and without your knowledge! Odds are, the guy is really happy (my friend's word for gay!) and no hanky-panky will occur.
"They" always say, "You know your child best!" But it isn't true. Ultimately, your child knows herself best. Just a little something to think about.

 

[Madi100]

It's definitely a tricky situation. What would you do if your daughter wanted to have her lesbian friend sleep over? We probably wouldn't think twice since they are both girls and girls have sleepovers. The boy/girl one is a new one. Good luck on your decision.

 

[mickeyfan1]

I would like to join in by saying that when my son was in HS, it was common to have coed sleepovers. And the boys were in one room and the girls in the other. Um, sure. That was how it was. NOT!!! Sorry, but if you think that saying to hormonal teenagers that they can sleep in separate rooms and believe that nothing is going to happen, think again. I have a very good relationship with my son, but did he tell me he was having sex with his HS GF? Nope. I knew he was and told him he best keep it covered up because there was no way he was ready to be a dad and she was not ready to be a mom. At least he listened to me on that.

Now as far as this young man being gay, open about it and all, I still have a problem with it. These are teenagers. While you think they go to a large school and the talk in the social circles doesn't spread, there is something you may not have considered. You daughter may end up getting shunned by her friends because of parental pressure. Some other parents may not see this as acceptable, her having a boy spend the night, even if you are there. Some parents may be closed minded about homosexuals and tell their daughters that they can't be friend with yours because the boy is gay. Not everyone embraces diversity as well as many of us here do.

I just think you are opening a can of worms that you don't need to. If you had a son and he asked for a girl to spend the night, would you allow it? If this young man was not gay would you allow it. Have you talked with his parents? It isn't always a matter of trust. It is that you are the parent and sometimes you have to make rules. You won't be able to contol her when she leaves home for college, but while she is under your roof, you can make rules that you are comfortable with regardless of it not being what she wants. I am sure you have a very smart, loving, trutworthy daughter. But sometimes parents have to be the bad guy.

 

[smartestnumber5]

The reason I say this is because plenty of lesbian and gay folk - for all sorts of reasons, sometimes having nothing to do with sex - have "slept" with people of the opposite sex.

While this is true, it's also the case that lots of straight people have sex with members of the same-sex, thus it doesn't seem there's any reason to be more concerned about a gay man experimenting with a woman than a straight woman experimenting with a woman.

Once during college I casually talked about getting an apartment with some male friends. My parents quickly objected (One of the guys was gay, and I asked what if all of them were gay. My parents still said no--I suppose for some of the reasons that have been mentioned here: that there's still a small possibility sex could occur.)

I thought that was ridiculous, especially since I was bisexual (though they didn't know it). Hence according to their logic I couldn't live with anyone! [Because, you know those bisexuals, they'll have sex with anything that moves.]

Really the problem is our faulty understandings of sex, sexual attraction, and sexual orientation work. It's assumed that there is some danger of sex happening anytime two people have the opportunity and at least one of those people is attracted to the sex that the other person belongs to. Thus, society has to do all it can to keep people who are sexuall attracted to one another apart in situations in which they shouldn't have sex. This might seem plausible as long as we only think about it in terms of heterosexuals. Sure, we'll just have men's and women's dorms, and men's and women's bathrooms and changing rooms, and assign college roommates based on sex, etc. But things are harder once we recognize gays and lesbians exist. After all, gay men still use the men's bathroom and changing rooms and lesbian women still use the women's bathroom and changing rooms; and lesbian women are still assigned other women as college roommates and so for gay men. And once bisexual people are considered, it's clear that the framework is completely without merit. There's no where they can safely go without the danger of sex (at least according to this faulty framework). And yet, we bisexuals manage not to have sex with their roomates and bedmates. If we can do it, so can straight people and gay and lesbian people.