Overprotected children and lack of coping skills?

[Sandy V.]

Inspired by some of the recent threads . . .

Have you ever seen people that were overprotected as children that had little or no "coping" skills as they became teenagers or young adults when they left the nest?

The "wildest" kids (drugs, sexually promiscous, etc.) I went to college with were the ones who had never been given the opportunity to learn from their own mistakes and grow when they were still at home.

Obviously, I'm not talking about failing to keep the child safe from danger or illegal stuff when they're young.

What do you think?

 

[mt2]

I think that many parents (me included) are trying to find a balance. It is hard to see our children fail but we know that we have to.

How far do you let them make that mistake/fail without stepping in? Also, how do you not say "See I told you so" when they do.

It is not easy being a parent. I try not to hover too much but my friends think I do. I think that they let their kids get away with too much.

Tightrope walking is easier, I think.

Happy Thoughts to all,

mt2

 

[mickeyboat]

It is sure tough as a parent to find the correct balance between wanting to protect our children and wanting them to face the consequences of their mistakes. It's tough love and people will draw the line at different places. I do believe that we have to teach our kids that they are responisble for their actions at a young age. I try to explain in advance what the consequences are for their actions. When they misbehave, I apply the consequence and explain that I am not punishing them, I am just enforcing the consequence for their choice. I am definitely not perfect, but I am working on my system every day.

Denae

 

[Kimberle]

The kids I grew up with that were "overprotected" as children where the worst h*llraisers in college, drinking, drugs, etc.

I guess they were so glad to get their "freedom" they didn't know when to stop.

(The ones I'm referring to could do anything during HS, no dances, no movies, etc.)

 

[frustrated]

I think it depends on the kid and the situation. I married the most under-protected guy I know. He was a huge drinker, and experimented with many drugs. All of his buddies were other rich spoiled kids, who lived similar life-styles.

I was the opposite. I know a few PK's that do fit your scenario. All that to say that I do not believe that when dealing with children you can make "pat" statements.

Tessa

 

[tastelikecandy]

I think you should do the best with what you have and if the child still rebels then you know you did all you could. I believe in letting children make mistakes but I also advise them to wear a seatbelt, I monitor the company they keep and do the best I can to protect them. Some parents take all these steps and their is no guarantee how your kids will turn out but at least I know that I raised my children for the most part by the Bible and if they do go astray God will bring them back. I may not be able to trust every choice they make but as long as I know they are in the will of God I can sleep at night.

 

[Sandy V.]

Tessa, I would agree that you can't make "pat" statements. Every person is different.

I went to a church-affiliated college, and the minister's kids were the ones whose behavior was hair-raising. For many, it was the first time they were ever allowed to DO anything - and they made some pretty scary choices!

(Oh, and I'm not characterizing all ministers, their spouses, or their kids as being this way - this is just my own personal observation. Individuals behave differently).

I actually worry about MY OWN kids - not that they haven't had to make their own decisions and live with the consequences at times - but because they've rarely had to "live without" and I'm curious about how they'll do on their own.

 

[Alice28]

I wonder the same things at times. I already worry about this little guy I watch who is almost two. I think that if his parents don't start putting their foot down a little firmer at this stage in the game, it's only going to get worse.

Example- they still let him sleep in their bed at night- he's never slept one night in his crib. And not because they are strong "family bed" people. It's because he will throw a fit if he is put in his crib and neither parent wants to let him cry it out. So they still rock him to sleep for every nap time and every bed time. I think that is strange for this age, and personally I don't think it helps their personal life or his coping skills by learning to fall asleep on his own. Probably the hardest thing I had to do with both of my boys is start weaning them from our bed to their crib at 5-6 months---it broke my heart hearing them cry, but within 3 nights they were falling asleep on their own, in their own little beds. And DH and I had our bed back to ourselves. For me, once a child hits 6-7 months, one should be able to put them down for bedtime, with a pacifier or blankie, and say night-night, time for bedtime, and be done with it (obviously not every night can be smooth as silk but you know what I mean). Sure you may have to check on them a few times and pat them on the backs, etc..

Not to hijack the thread but this is along the same topic----this same child already butts his head, hard, against the wall when he doesn't get his way. He will be 2 later this summer. I find this a bit "off"----he seems to young to be doing this and he's been doing it since about 13-14 months. The other day I had to take my husband's work keys away from him- first I asked him to give them to me and he screamed "no" and ran the other way. So I went up to him and said, "I need the keys...took them and said, "Thank you...that is a good job." He screamed and banged his head into my window (My windows are tall and go to the ground) AND BROKE THE WINDOW! Thank GOD he didn't even have a scratch but I was shocked at that level of anger and defiance in a little boy I babysit- this isn't my own son who I might expect hissy behavior from (and trust me, DS #2 would throw some AWFUL fits until the last couple of months--but never to the point where he was hurting himself or someone else--just screaming and maybe throwing a book on the floor). I know his parents very well, and I sat down with the mom and talked with her about it (we're best friends so I had to be careful with what I said). I just said there is a difference between him being a rebellious 2 year old and this kind of defiant behavior---what do you do at home when he does something like this? She kind of hemmed and hawed and said she would call his doctor for some advice???

My husband and I were puzzled cause this a strong woman and we found it strange she is having such a hard time disciplining her son and being so overprotective with him.

 

[Sandy V.]

Whoa Alice28! He broke the glass?

You were right to talk to the mother regarding her son. I would have been scared that he'd hurt himself, and I might be blamed for it (probably being paranoid).

 

[Lynn CC]

I don't think their is such a thing as an overprotective parent.
The more they know the better off they are. As long as you keep the lines of communication open until they leave the nest I think they will know right from wrong. Some parents don't instill any values these days, a lot of kids don't have a whole lot of respect for others.
As caring parents we can only do what we think is best (I've seen a lot of uncaring parents around lately)...and hope that when our children leave they will become responsable adults. It's their choices that they make then. But...when they are home growing up I believe the more the parents know about their kids lives the better for all! Some parents don't have a clue.

 

[rhanditresmom]

I sometimes think I am too overprotective, but I do let them make mistakes. I always appreciated that about my parents. They were missionaries and I think they were a little out of the norm when it came to allowing us to make our own decisions. Because of that, I made mistakes but learned from them. When I came back to the states for college, I adjusted better than most of my friends simply because I knew my own limits. I thank my parents for allowing me the freedom to make choices (without hurting myself, mind you!).

 

[auntpolly]

I think that overprotective can mean different things. I was the queen of the nosy moms, had to know everything about DD's life, all her friends, where she was going....but I tried never to be unreasonable.

DH and I always said that our philosophy was to give our daughter respect and insist that she give it to us. That meant negotiation and compromise for all of us.

The parents that I think are over protective in a bad way are those that make rules and are completely inflexible about them. You have to at least hear your kid out and let them know that you're giving their requests for freedom thought. To say things like "no R rated movies until you are 18" (one of DDs friend's mom's rules), for example is silly because there are some R rated movies that are not as bad as other and really worth while seeing. You have to be able to be able to reevaluate all the time and bend a little, while you monitor the freedoms they've been given and the success they have with them.

 

[Aurora63]

My dad was very overprotective of us, the type who did not even want us to call friends. No dances, no dating, no going out with friends. He did loosen up a little by the time I became a teenager, but it was harder for my sisters.

DS1 moved out when she was 14, and in with grandma, DGM was very lenient and basically let her do whatever she wanted, while still providing home cooked meals and a sholder. But it was for the best. DS1 went through her wild phase, made her mistakes, came to value DGM and want to do right by her.

DS2 did not have the option of moving out, so she suffered through her teenage years with DF. By the time she was 20, she finally got her first job, but before that, a "nervous breakdown" took place. Much Paxil and therapy later, she got the job, went wild for awhile, and now is doing okay.

I was more rebellious and would do stuff despite my father, which drove him nuts, but I think by that point, with dealing with DS1 & 2, some of the fight had left him.

So yes, I agree, a sheltered childhood with overly overprotective parents can lead to teens and young adults who are kinda off.

 

[Alice28]

Originally posted by Sandy V.
Whoa Alice28! He broke the glass?

You were right to talk to the mother regarding her son. I would have been scared that he'd hurt himself, and I might be blamed for it (probably being paranoid).

Yes, he broke it. The repairman was here today to replace it. My friend paif for it of course.

And yes, we were FREAKED out that something WAY worse could have happened. My husband and I were both standing within 2-4 feet of him so I swooped him up when I heard the glass crack, but my husband was P****D and said, "If he hurt himself, we would have been liable, and I am not going to have your best friend's kid get killed on my time because he's being a little terror!" That's why we sat down with her and explained that this kind of behavior has to stop and we all need to work together and be on the same page to get it stopped- NOW- before it escalates into anything more; I told her I can't have him in the house if I am worried he will hurt himself or someone else. She even said, "Sometimes I just don't know what I'm doing...I didn't have the best examples as parents, and he's my first kid...." I could understand that, but on the other hand this is a 34 year old college educated woman, who also has a lot of street smarts----it shocks me that she doesn't see how willy-nilly she is being with her son and how that yes, he's still young, but one has to stop babying ALL THE TIME and be firm with voice and tone when needed..

 

[Disney Doll]

There are very few children prepared for the path. Most parents spend their time preparing the path for the child. Very few kids have any sense of personal responsibility. Everything is always someone else's fault.

I will be intersted to see what this generation turns out like, how they are going to raise kids etc.

 

[shortbun]

Alice28, this little boy has too much stimulation. He needs some
time alone to quiet down. Time outs in a quiet place are
probably good. I'm not suggesting you lock him in a closet but
a quiet cool and low light room would be good. I'm sure you know
that he has no way to differentiate a wall from a window and
that he didn't break the window on purpose. His environments
are too active and he's reacting to that most likely. He needs to
know who is boss and be in a very sterile environment. Can
you clear out a room for him? Of course and as usual, this is
all MHO.
mimi

 

[PatriciaH]

Originally posted by Sandy V.
Inspired by some of the recent threads . . .

Have you ever seen people that were overprotected as children that had little or no "coping" skills as they became teenagers or young adults when they left the nest?

The "wildest" kids (drugs, sexually promiscous, etc.) I went to college with were the ones who had never been given the opportunity to learn from their own mistakes and grow when they were still at home.

Obviously, I'm not talking about failing to keep the child safe from danger or illegal stuff when they're young.

What do you think?

I had a friend in high school and her parents were quite nutty/abusive. They did not want her to do anything social (dances, sports, etc..) and when she decided to try out for cheerleading her father would not talk to her for months! She was painfully shy and had no social skills until she learned to loosen up and be herself more. All they wanted her to do was study and become a doctor. Well, she got a Phd but it is not what she wanted to do. She said she felt she owed it to them for paying for school and now they can brag to their friends about it. Sad....

My parents were WAY to overprotective and I finally felt like I was free when I got to go away for college. I saw a lot of kids with overprotective parents go WILD in college

 

[Disney Enthusiast]

I was overprotected and I didn't "rebel" until I turned 21 if you can call that age rebellious. I went to a bar for the first time and had a few drinks and I got married at 22 to the dismay of my parents. But I am still happily married almost 12 years later and 2 kids later. My parents would allow me to go to parties if I promised them I would not drink. The kids at the parties would make jokes and take my keys and tell me not to mix drinks (from coke to 7 up). I had thick skin and we got a good laugh about it. One time the cops raided the party and I couldn't get home by curfew due to the cops surrounding the place and arresting the kids. I called to tell my mother and she told me to put the police officer on the phone who told her I was NOT drinking and she told him to move his car and let me come home. I got home a 1/2 hour after my curfew and got my butt chewed out and was grounded anyway. So they let me go to these things, but were VERY strict w/ me and I laugh about it now. I never did drugs or smoked or anything else of that nature. And I have wonderful coping skills. In college, I would make the rounds by picking up all of my roommates at the bars and bring them home safely. Sort of like their call in designated driver. I was happy to do it and I felt I was taking care of my friends. One of them just thanked me again 2 weekends ago telling me how much she appreciated me doing that.

I did know of a Pastor's daughter though who was caught drinking underage. She was very rebellious and fits your desription very well. So maybe I was just the exception to the rule.

Not to get this off topic, but I always thought it had something to do w/ us over medicating our kids. A few girls who worked for my DH have had to be on depression and other sorts of medication for coping and they've been on that stuff since their early teens. I always wondered if the medications we give them to help them cope, take away their chances of learning thru experiences on how to cope w/o the help of meds. So as adults they have no idea how to "work" through it. I don't know.

But I will probably be overprotective myself. I keep going back to what I heard Dr. Phil say one day and it made sense to me. Don't put your child in an adult situation, because they won't be able to handle it most likely.... like letting your daughter stay out w/ a boy past 11 PM. I know that kids are having sex at 3:30 after school too, but I feel you are asking for trouble when your child is in a situation he/she can't handle. JMHO.

 

[Alice28]

Oh, I know he didn't break the window on purpose! Of course not! My point is, his parents are not willing to put him down to sleep in his own room, quietly..they lay down with him to get him to sleep every-single-time. So, when he is at my house, and trust me I have tried time and time again, he absolutely works himself into hysterics when I put him in my office, in his playpen, lights down, with his blankie and pacifier. I mean to the point where he is choking himself by crying so hard. So I asked his mother if they ever try to put him down (She and her DH are both retail managers and so their schedules change all the time and there is never the same parent home at the same time day in and day out) and she said no. So I thought, why should I try and do it, when the next 4 days in a row they won't do it? Even if I succeed one time, the next 4-5 times he goes down for a nap at home that success will be broken cause he will "get his way" by sleeping with mom and dad. I don't mean to sound mean or heartless- I have two boys of my own, ages 3 and 6 and I have a BA in Early Childhood Development...I would like to think I know a bit about healthy sleeping habits for children and I think that is what his behavior boils down to----he doesn't sleep properly at night cause he's crammed in with his mom and dad, wakes up at all hours, doesn't have a consistent nap schedule, etc. It's kind of sad and I try my best to make my house a good place for him to be, but if it's not going on at home.....

FYI- I watch him 3-4 afternoons/mornings (always fluctuating) a week, about 16 hours or so, so in no way do I watch him full time so I can provide my own sense of routine for him.

 

[auntpolly]

Originally posted by Disney Enthusiast
Don't put your child in an adult situation, because they won't be able to handle it most likely.... like letting your daughter stay out w/ a boy past 11 PM.

And yet that depends, still on the age, the maturity level, the situation etc.

To tell you 17 year old she has to be home from a date by 11:00 is your call -- we all make curfews that we feel comfortable with as parents. But if there's a concert that won't be over until after 11:00, or if for some other reason a daughter that has held up her end of the bargain and obeyed your rules asks for an exception, I think you have to give it serious thought. I think that some truly overprotective parents just don't have any respect for their kids and their kids might not have any in return for them.