Over-emotional 7 yr old girl!!!! Help!

[Swmr359]

I was kind of a sensitive child (and teen...) I had crying fits over the stupidest things, and I knew it was stupid and couldn't figure out why I was so upset. My parents sent me to my room when I was younger and as I got older I sent my self to my room; when I calmed down mom would come in give me a hug and I would apologize.
Your daughter is, of course, probably different from me. But maybe you could trying talking about the problem once she is calm and if it was really worth getting so upset about. And maybe talk about what things are ok to do when you are upset (instead of laying in the kitchen screaming, go to your room and scream into a pillow)

 

[Jridou]

I agree 100% I have a dd16 and while she never acted out like your dd we found out a few years ago what pressure and stress she put on herself. She started to pull her hair out. My niece who is 8 is much more like your dd and I wish I could talk my brother and SIL into taking her to see my dd's therapist.
Looking back, my dd sees a lot of her in her cousin. my Mom has a lot of the same issues. Do you have any family member that has any kind of mental health issues? As the pp said, it sounds harsh, but I really wish I knew then what I know now!!

My now 9 y/o daughter sounds a lot like yours. She had a through evaluation last summer and we discovered, among other things, that she was extremely anxious. I wouldn't have pegged her as anxious, but now it all makes sense. She's getting counseling now and learning coping techniques and it's making a HUGE difference. Good luck to you both. Amy

 

[kacaju]

My now 9 y/o daughter sounds a lot like yours. She had a through evaluation last summer and we discovered, among other things, that she was extremely anxious. I wouldn't have pegged her as anxious, but now it all makes sense. She's getting counseling now and learning coping techniques and it's making a HUGE difference. Good luck to you both. Amy

good luck to you and your dd too!!

my dd was/is anxious as well. She hid it very well for so many years until she just couldn't anymore and oh boy...what a mess she was!!
We have been told it is very common in high achievers/perfectionists. Which is my dd.
What really hit home was she is an artisy type kid (art and dance) I thought she stopped drawing because she was busy with other things (she drew for pleasure) come to find out she stopped because she got frustrated because she felt her drawings were not perfect!! She is now taking art in HS and LOVES it.

 

[gandycat]

You aren't alone. My almost 7 yo DD is very sensitive and high strung. Her tantrums started at 18 months old and just got worse. I was a family therapist for several years and I used all of my teaching techniques with her which did help a lot but I still felt at a loss about how to really help her. I never gave in to her demands and behavior but none of it seemed to make a difference when she was angry. Positive reinforcement works better but still didn't make a difference when she got going (goal is always to avoid getting to that point). When she started school, it became clear that she had anxiety and that's when I took her to see a psychologist. It has helped a lot. Even though he works with her on many of the same things I did, she hears it differently from someone who isn't her mom. I know that she's going to be dealing with anxiety probably for the rest of her life but I'm glad that she is learning some coping techniques at a young age. One of the things that she told the doctor is that she gets mad sometimes b/c she knows it will get her attention. I realized that when she was upset, I would use it as a 'teachable moment' and try to help her thru it. Now, when she starts to get mad, she goes right on time out and I don't speak to her until she calms down, then she gets attention. It has helped a ton.

I would suggest having your daughter seen by a therapist. It doesn't mean she is mentally ill or that you aren't a good parent. I always feel like this.....if you saw her in the water struggling to swim, you'd throw her a life vest. Why let them struggle when there are coping skills they can learn?

Good luck!

 

[indimom]

I also have a very 'sensitive' daughter prone to overblown drama. She started pretty young (toddler age), got worse around kindergarten. Now, at 12, she is learning to deal with her own temper, but it has taken a lot of years and a lot of tears before we've started to work things out.

Number one for my daughter is insuring she gets enough sleep. We realized pretty early she didn't sleep well. She never bothered us at night, we just noticed she had been up when things in her room were moved, lights were on, etc. It didn't take long to make a connection between a bad night of sleep and serious anger control issues.

My daughter is also VERY concerned about EVERYTHING she does being "right" or "correct." She takes her homework very seriously, including calendars with test dates, lists, charts, etc. She would get VERY worked up anytime she didn't learn something immediately or if we suggested another way of doing the work. She also gets worked up if she feels like she doesn't have enough time for something. This has made school and scheduling a bit of a challenge. We do have to limit her activities or she starts to slide downhill from the stress.

Our worst battles usually revolved around silly things that really had nothing to do with what was probably really bothering her. The worst was over borrowing a cousins sweats one afternoon when her clothes got dirty (about age 5). She had lots of hand-me-downs, so don't ask me why this was suddenly an issue, but it was a BIG ONE. She completely wigged out, kicked me when I tried to make her get dressed. Kicked her aunt when she stepped in. SCREAMED at me "I want to hit you, I want to hurt you" or something like that and was twisting the skin on my arm. I thought my child had gone off the deep end. Incidentally, we also had an event over a band aid once too, except she needed one, didn't want one, wanted one, didn't need one, was going to miss the bus, etc.. (That I'm going to be late thing again). It was crazy ridiculous and I was NOT even arguing with her, (the cut was small and I didn't care if she had a band aid or not), she was arguing with herself!

Up until she was 5-7, we "punished" her for her lack of self control. We tried everything from time outs to the occasional swat on the bottom (I know, don't start, we've learned a bit since then), to positive reinforcement and behavior modification we picked up from books, etc.

One thing I learned over the years, which I've seen mentioned by a couple other posters, is to dial my emotions back during an episode. If I showed any upset or anger at all, this was apt to escalate my daughter's behavior. It took a while for realization to dawn on me that she was dissapointed in her self and embarassed by her lack of self control. Now, we look for privacy any time we have something to "discuss" and I make sure she knows I'm not dissapointed or angry at her. We do not give in to her demands, but I also do not necessarily 'punish' her for her fits no matter how immature I find them.

By about grades 3/4, with a lot of help, she started to get a handle on her own temper. We were very up front with her that this problem is up to her to handle. No one else can do it for her and she has gotten much better. She makes sure she is getting her sleep and takes her anger to her room if she feels out of control. She can still be a little bossy and saucy, but it's soooo much better than before.

At this point, if we have a problem, I simply give her her options, and let it go. For example, I have a regular breakfast menu (there are reasons for this) and on Monday she was not happy with the option. I simply told her it was her option and she could eat it or not. When she tried to start an argument, I repeated that it was her decision whether or not she ate. About five minutes before the bus, she finally had her breakfast. If she had chosen not to eat, I'd have left it at that. I absolutely ignore any nasty comments she feels like making, "You're mean" "That's not fair" whatever. But, I make sure that I tell her later (when we're both calm) how those comments make me feel. She is always apologetic after the fact and seems sincere.

Another thing I noticed when she was younger and had "screaming fits," was that when she had vented it all out, we usually ended up having a good day. Sometimes, I think she just needed to let off steam.

One final idea. Our daughter seems to take correction better from her father than me. I'm not sure if this is a "woman vs. woman" thing or that he is better at hiding his feelings than I am or what, but if you notice she seems to calm faster for one of you, you might want to use that to your advantage. If DD seems to be giving me a hard time, I pass the buck to dad.

I hope this helps you some. If it makes you feel better, take her to a therapist, and get an expert's opinion. It couldn't hurt and may help alot. We considered it for a while, but I think we've got a good handle on things now.
Whatever you decide, I hope things work out for you all!

 

[mjkacmom]

I also have a very 'sensitive' daughter prone to overblown drama. She started pretty young (toddler age), got worse around kindergarten. Now, at 12, she is learning to deal with her own temper, but it has taken a lot of years and a lot of tears before we've started to work things out.

Number one for my daughter is insuring she gets enough sleep. We realized pretty early she didn't sleep well. She never bothered us at night, we just noticed she had been up when things in her room were moved, lights were on, etc. It didn't take long to make a connection between a bad night of sleep and serious anger control issues.

My daughter is also VERY concerned about EVERYTHING she does being "right" or "correct." She takes her homework very seriously, including calendars with test dates, lists, charts, etc. She would get VERY worked up anytime she didn't learn something immediately or if we suggested another way of doing the work. She also gets worked up if she feels like she doesn't have enough time for something. This has made school and scheduling a bit of a challenge. We do have to limit her activities or she starts to slide downhill from the stress.

This is dd13 - she's very bright (high honor roll - honors classes), but when she doesn't get something, she has a hard time calming down enough to "get" it. DH can usually calm her down in these situations (usually math situations). She's been in charge making her own food now for years (except dinner, unless it's something she doesn't like, and then she makes it herself). This has helped a lot. She has a science test tomorrow, so it won't be a happy household tonight! She also needs 10 hours of sleep a night, and actually freaks out if she isn't home and in bed by 8:30 - 9 on school nights.

She probably has less activities than my other kids, because she just can't handle them. She got a part in the town play, and rehearsals start next week - gonna be a bad 3 months! Ds11 plays on 2 - 4 teams every season, and doesn't have a worry in the world (I wish he's worry more!).

 

[indimom]

Our sons as well. DS9 is as mellow as they come, sleeps like a baby and is up by 5 a.m. happy as a clam. It's hard not to compare them sometimes.
Your description of your daughter's homework drama was spot on to our issue with DD. Good luck with the play practice! Tell her to "break a leg."

 

[gandycat]

My ds who is 9 is the same way. He very seldom gets upset. One time he said to his sister..'you get mad more in one day than I have my whole life', and he was right!

After reading Indimoms post it reminded of something else that works with my dd. It's a delicate balance of validating her feelings but not giving in to the drama. If she feels like I'm discounting her feelings (ie. if I say something like, that's not something to be mad about), she escalates, I think to prove to me that she really IS mad. It's like, "I'll show you how mad I am". When she is calm again we often talk about it and I lead her to the conclusion herself that it wasn't worth being mad over. But to calm down, she needs to know that I understand her feelings.

and sleep....Em is very over sensitive to sleep. I am so rigid about getting her to bed on time b/c we all know that the next day will be bad if we don't. When she was a toddler, she slept with us (from maybe 18 months until 4 years old) and she didn't sleep. I'd wake up in the middle of the night and she would be awake. When she finally started sleeping on her own and actually sleeping all night, her behavior was about 5x better. We always know when the time change comes we'll have about 3 weeks of difficulities.

 

[fireman1]

I went through all that with mine. I look back and laugh at it now because its NOTHING compared to the teenage years. ( she's 15 now )

 

[snowbunny]

I went through all that with mine. I look back and laugh at it now because its NOTHING compared to the teenage years. ( she's 15 now )

So very true. I look back at our pitched battles when my DD15 was 8 or 9 and laugh or cry depending on my mood. I was harder on her than I should have been. At least I could sleep back then!

Kids now have a lot of anxiety and pressure in their lives. More than we did as kids. When they get to be teens, and the pressure of having to do well in high school and fit in socially really hits, is when things get serious.

I think it's okay to ask for an evaluation (personally I wouldn't, as a PP said very well, based on your description you seem to be "sweating the small stuff" with her). However, run, do not walk, if a therapist or MD suggests medication as a way to get control over the personality of a normal-sounding young girl.

 

[busyshrew]

Is your girl getting enough sleep? Sleep is such a tough issue, and the statistics on it are staggering.... a huge number of children are actually chronically sleep-deprived. And even losing 20 or 30 minutes a night can have a huge impact on their behaviour. (Mine too, come to think of it )

Other posters have mentioned it, and it's the very first thing I thought of.

My DD is turning 6, and still goes to bed every night at 7pm, and sleeps until almost 7am every morning. If she gets her 12 hours, then she is easy, co-operative and very pleasant to be with. But even one night up late... even an extra 20 minutes late.... and the next day she turns into a WITCH!! Oh, the whining, the tantrums, EVERYTHING gets to her.

For us, every 20 minutes up late seems to require one night early bedtime. So on New Year's Eve, she stayed up until 8:30pm - she had a 6:30pm bedtime for the next 4 nights to catch up.

Hope things get better for you guys.