PART TWENTY NINE:
Im surprised no one calls Security to usher us out of the Garden View lounge, but apparently my custard and whipped cream trick went unnoticed by anyone but Lowell. Whew. I should be ashamed of myself. Thor and Vidar are better behaved. At their worst they might be expected to seize the pastry tray and empty it into their helmets, then pinch the waitress on their way out.
The couple by the window gets up a few minutes before we do. The woman casts a longing glance at my trifle dish on her way by. Id offer to let her lick it clean, but Lowell already beat her to it.
Just kidding.
As far as you know.
Lowell and I need to walk off a few calories, so after Tea we make a tour of the Grand Floridians picturesque grounds, taking pictures along the way. Its lovely and elegant but its just not me. Besides, Ive read too many Victorian novels and etiquette books, and Id probably find myself role-playing an upper class woman of the era. Lowell would need to sit by himself at the pool. A lady did NOT want freckles. Freckles were as despised as zits, and only lower class working women got a tan. Back then, nobody tried to get a tan. A lady wanted soft white skin, particularly her face and hands. I could try a soft hands tip from one of my books and sleep with my hands in cotton bags filled with wet oatmeal. I know Lowell would really love that. Waking up with a handful of oatmeal gives new meaning to the marketing concept of Oatmeal to Go.
Its time to head back to the Lodge. We ride the monorail to the Magic Kingdom, then transfer to the green flag boat. The weather is still picture perfect with warm breezes, blue sky and even bluer water. On our way to the lodge we pass the Ferry boats. Its nice seeing them from this vantage point. I love this ride when were in no hurry to get to a park or a dinner reservation.
We have a free afternoon to soak up some sun with nothing on our agenda until Hoop-De-Doo Revue. The only time pressure built into our schedule today is my hope of getting out of HDDR in time to catch the Electric Water Parade, either on the beach at Fort Wilderness, or at the Lodge. While the EWP is not a major attraction, its something I have always wanted to see at least once, and since the parade can only be viewed from the resorts near the Magic Kingdom, this trip is the ideal opportunity. Unfortunately, we leave tomorrow afternoon, so tonight is our last chance.
When we return to our room, Mousekeeping has finished cleaning and everything looks neat and orderly. We change into swimsuits and grab our mugs before heading to the pool. I dread passing the Insect-Head cashier again, but the mug is an investment and we dont want to be bad investors, so we need a few more refills before we leave.
We find a couple unoccupied lounges in the shade, which is fine with Lowell. He could get a tan at night walking past a car with its headlights on. I need to be in the sun. Today he doesnt feel like swimming. He just wants to relax with his book so Im on my own. I really want to check out the waterslide, but I dont see any adults using it.
During our last Disney vacation we stayed at Old Key West. Their main pool was fenced off while they completed a new waterslide which had been scheduled to open a few days before our arrival. Of course nothing ever goes according to schedule. The day we arrived, the woman who checked us in said the pool and slide would reopen in a couple days. Each time we inquired, the date moved back another day or two. To make up for having no large pool or a slide available, the resort offered bus service to the new DVC resort, Saratoga Springs. We took advantage of that offer one day and spent part of the afternoon there. Lowell and I were delighted to see a few adults using the waterslide. We wasted no time trying it ourselves. It proved to be longer, faster, and more exciting than I expected. I went down two or three times, and Lowell at least half a dozen. Still, that didnt take the place of trying the new slide at Old Key West, which had been designed to look like a giant sand castle, and frankly, looked pretty cool. But, as luck would have it, the pool opened on the morning of our departure day and since we only had a half day, and our agenda was full, there was no time to try it.
I entrust my mug and sun tan lotion to Lowell, then head with grim determination toward the pool. I will not be thwarted this time as I was with the sand castle slide. I will try this slide, even if I have to wait in line behind a bunch of ten year olds. Even if there really
is a hidden waterslide camera and Cast Members post my picture and laugh at me. I may be over fifty but I still like waterslides. So sue me. I will probably be that elderly person I described in my pool-hopper spoof that shuffles along with a walker to the top of the waterslide and wants to go down it.
Head first.
Backwards.
Ten times.
Maybe they can develop a waterslide ski lift so elderly sliders dont need to walk to the top every time. That would also eliminate the problem of abandoning our walkers at the top, or worse, people trying to take them along on the slide and getting them jammed in the tunnel. One of those three prong canes might work reasonably well in lieu of a walker. Theyre small enough to fit through the slide and could do double duty as a flotation noodle after splash down.
I swim for a while, trying to work up my nerve. It would be nice if Lowell came with me. Its such a comfort to look dumb when someone looks dumb with you. I remind myself sternly that silly people have more fun. We tell Lowells kids to be silly, have a good time, and not to worry about what other people think of them. Kids are so wrapped up in their image. Not only do they hate to do anything that calls attention to themselves, but they live in mortal dread that youll do something to embarrass them. By the way, when shopping with teenagers, never lapse into disco dancing while in a department store thats playing retro tunes. Just a little friendly advice. Not that I would know firsthand about that. Ahem. On that happy note, let me present Sage Advice # 1: Who cares if someone looks at you funny. In a minute theyll forget all about you. This was good advice until the advent of the digital camera; now Im not so sure. With my luck, someones vacation pictures will immortalize me in some ridiculous pose. Then Ill have to fall back on Sage Advice # 2: Dont worry, no one knows you here.
It takes the combined impact of Sage Advice 1 and 2 to motivate me to climb out of the pool and head for the landing at the top of the slide. I see a few boys waiting in line. I figure if any adults see me talking to the boys theyll assume one of them is my son and Im just supervising and being a good mom.
By the time I reach the top only three boys are left. I half expect them to give me a Hey, what are you doing here? look, but they dont bat an eye. Instantly I feel more at ease. We chat about the water temperature and how neat the slide is while I watch for the current slider to reach the bottom and splash into the pool.
Okay, youre clear for launch, I tell the next boy. The kids accept my role as waterslide traffic cop without question. In a couple minutes the slide is clear and I wave for the next boy to go. By the time the last one enters the slide the gang starts arriving for their next round. I figure Ive done enough slide duty so I get into position next and push off.
Most of the ride goes through a dark twisting tunnel and Im going too fast to spot the hidden camera. But I know its there. In the Lodge office a monitor flashes a picture of a fifty year old woman with her eyes shut and her mouth open. If they have sound they hear Woo Hoo! echoing through the tunnel followed by a splash.
I could happily slide another twenty-two times, but I content myself with trying it only once. After that I paddle around the deep end for awhile, then float on my back, staring up at the clouds. It seems we have been here for days. Tonight well try something new. Ive read reviews of Hoop-De-Doo Revue and people rave about it. A few people said they see the show every time they come here. Can it be that great?
Im looking forward to tomorrow morning and Tonga Toast just as much. I love the whole ritual of our breakfast trip to the Poly. We enjoy walking into the lobby and looking at the tropical plants and the waterfall, browsing through the Hawaiian themed gift shops, and walking the winding paths through the Polys picturesque grounds. Tonga Toast, however, is central to the entire experience and is a memorable part of every trip.
As I get out of the water to rejoin Lowell, the geyser goes off. Its fun to watch, and I love seeing peoples expressions, especially kids, so I join the crowd.
After that I return to my chair and find Lowell just as I left him. Hes buried in his book but looks up briefly.
I went down the waterslide, I announce.
Yes, I saw you standing up there.
I would have waved and yelled Hey, watch this! but I knew you couldnt see me very well from here.
He cracks a smile and asks, How was the slide?
Good. Similar to the one at Saratoga Springs.
I settle into my chair and reach for my own book, thumbing through to find my place. Unfortunately my mind keeps wandering from the story. I havent forgotten my pool hopper research. If I stay sharp, I may find evidence to support some peoples belief that pool hopping is a common practice. I scan my neighbors, trying to imagine which, if any, are intruders. No clue I can think of is 100% conclusive, such as people who dont fit my mental image as people who can afford to stay here, people who brought a change of clothes in a bag, people with a mug from a different resort, people who act like they dont know their way around. Unless someone openly admits to being a pool hopper, and who would be dumb enough to do that, I may never know for sure. Still, speculating is an interesting pastime. I see a couple people with bulging duffle bags that may hold extra towels and clothes, but its possible they have already checked out of the hotel and are waiting poolside until its time to catch their flight. After all, well be doing the same thing tomorrow afternoon. After ten or fifteen minutes of playing this game I give up and go back to reading.
The sun moves enough that my chair is finally out of the shade. I toss the book aside and enjoy the heat while looking out over Bay Lakes calm water. The toot of an approaching boat rises above the background noise of happy children in the pool and soft western music. This is what we work for all year; moments like these when time slows and every sense is heightened with the enjoyment of being in a wonderful place with no worries or cares. Lowell makes a couple more trips to refill our $11.99 Investment and we pass a couple hours in a contented haze of sunshine and warm breezes.
Eventually its time to tear ourselves away and get ready for the zany Wild West shenanigans at Hoop-De-Doo. We change clothes quickly and this time I spurn shoes with heels and black dress pants in favor of jeans and a Disney sweatshirt. The air will be cool when we get out of the show at 9:00.
Lowell will fit in with the 1800s theme since hes wearing the glasses he wore for Civil War reenacting. His real glasses had gotten too strong as he became slightly far-sighted, and the gold wire rim glasses which had been a bit weak years ago now were just the right prescription. He has been wearing them for a few months, much to his mothers dismay. Despite being in her 60s shes still the fashion maven she was in her youth. Personally, I think the glasses are cute. But fashion maven I am not. Properly attired, were off to catch the boat to Fort Wilderness.
We have allowed ourselves plenty of time to get to the show, which is a good thing, because when we reach the dock the captain has replaced the rope barrier, secured the boat, and is ready to shove off. A few other tardy passengers, who perhaps have not allowed extra time, or simply hate waiting, dash down the dock ahead of us, shouting to be let on board. I laugh at their naivety. Weve only been at the Lodge a couple days, and already I already know that once you hear the boat toot to announce that its leaving, youre already too late, so dont bother running. When the rope barrier blocks the end of the dock, it means the captain is not getting out of the boat to let anyone else onboard. The familys shouts of Hey, wait! are greeted with silence. And when they shout again, Can we get on board? They get the same reply as before.
While it should be obvious that the boat is ready to leave, and no one else will be allowed on, the captain could dignify them with an answer or at least shake his head. Apparently, however, the family is invisible as well as inaudible. Oddly, we can see and hear them only too well. The invisible mother becomes increasingly irate. She waves frantically at the captain, strides to the end of the dock, and shouts angrily, Hey! Can we come on board?
The motor revs and the boat moves away from the dock. I half expect her to make a running leap like they do in the movies, bridging the ever widening gap between the dock and the boat, then wrestle the steering wheel from the captains grasp. It would make a great show, but alas, she settles for screaming over the motor, You could at least say no!
By this time her aggravation rubs off on the rest of the invisible, inaudible family, and all three kids jump furiously up and down while shouting as loudly as possible at the departing boat, We hate you! We hate you!
The dad, who truly has been invisible throughout this mini-drama, clamps a hand on the two closest children and says, Stop it, in a perilously stern voice. All jumping and shouting cease. Instantly. The woman turns to look at her husband. Several expressions flash across her face, chief of which is embarrassment at losing her temper in front of the children. They are like little mirrors catching and reflecting her anger, and she doesnt like the image she sees in those mirrors. Anger drains out of her. She gives a short laugh and says weakly, Well, he could have at least answered me.
Now, with time on their hands, the kids amuse themselves by climbing on the bench seats and attempting to use the divider wall between the benches as a rock climbing wall. Whether intentionally or by poor design I cant say, but the wall has square openings that look like gun portals, which make ideal hand and foot holds. But theyre a death trap. If you lose your footing you land on the wooden bench or the concrete platform, either of which is a ticket to the emergency room. Other people show up to wait for the boat and their children are immediately lured to the wall of death. I cant bear to watch. Mercifully the boat arrives before any lives are lost.
And so at last we are on our way to Pioneer Hall.
We are none too early by the time we walk up from the lake. A Cast Member recognizes us as newcomers and approaches us. We need to check in. He examines our reservation and confirms that we will be at table 21. I wonder if having a low number means well be in a good spot near the stage. Next, we are herded toward a photo-taking station where these poor deluded souls hope to take our picture and sell it to us at an inflated price at the end of the show.
I can hear your peals of laughter. Yes, you know us pretty well by now.
Its not just that were cheap. We travel a lot. If we bought photos everywhere we went from Hawaii to Puerto Vallarta to Key West and Grand Cayman Island, wed have enough photos to paper the walls of a small room. And no offense to Disney, but Hoop-De-Doo Revue would not rate near the top of the exciting photo list. Despite the utter pointlessness, we humor these people and pose for our photo, but I know were wearing expressions like someone just served us pork jerky with cucumbers.
After they take our picture . . . we smile.
Another Cast Member guides us to the door that will be nearest our table. Soon the doors open and the crowd presses forward. Inside, people direct everyone to their assigned tables and we find ours, table 21, slightly left of center and one back from the stage. We have a great unobstructed view for taking pictures.
Once again good luck favors us, adding to our false sense of security that nothing can go wrong during this trip and tarnish our happiness.
TO BE CONTINUED. . . .