PART TWENTY TWO:
Maelstrom is next on our agenda. It’s been so long since I’ve been on this ride, I don’t remember many details, but I remember thinking it was marginally okay. It’s like when I make a new recipe for Lowell and ask him what he thinks of it. He may diplomatically say, “I don’t love it.” That about summed up my impression of Maelstrom: I don’t love it. But to carry the analogy of Lowell’s meal diplomacy further, if he really hated it, he would tactfully say, “You don’t have to make this again.” In the same way, Maelstrom is not so bad that we say, “We don’t have to do this again.”
Part of the reason I enjoy World Showcase is that I’ve traveled a lot and have been to many of the countries represented in Epcot. Most of Epcot’s pavilions bring back interesting memories. Norway is no exception.
My World Showcase data says the town square is designed to represent the architecture of four Norwegian towns and cities: Bergen, Oslo, Alesund and Setesdahl. The town square is really too small for four types of architecture. I think the architects followed the same logic as Lowell at a dessert buffet; why decide when you can have one of each? The effect is a bit jumbled, like Lowell’s digestion after four desserts, nevertheless each style is very attractive. I confess I have never heard of Alesund or Setesdahl. I’ve heard of Oslo, of course, and I am personally familiar with Bergen.
I visited Bergen about twenty years ago while on a coach tour with a group of people from several English speaking countries around the world. I befriended a few people my own age, in their twenties and thirties, many of whom were single like me.
The ride to Bergen on narrow, winding mountain roads was nerve wracking. I think we had to load the coach onto a Ferry boat to cross at least one body of water before resuming our road trip. When we finally rolled into town we had dinner and planned where to go that evening. We were eager to experience Norwegian culture and nightlife. Our tour guide recommended a place frequented by Bergen locals. Perfect! Just the sort of place we had in mind.
This establishment proved to be a cozy little place that served light meals and drinks. On weekends they had local musical groups for entertainment. We were psyched up to discard our American tastes in music, and jam to whatever this little Norwegian joint had to offer. A few people there spoke some English, luckily, because none of us knew Norwegian. I have a fear of foreign languages. I’m afraid I’ll attempt to say to some burly local guy, “We’re happy to be here and we love your city,” but it will turn out instead, “Your mother eats lard and smells like a moose.”
We ordered a round of drinks and kicked back while the band set up. Finally they started to play and sing, and they were one of the liveliest, most enthusiastic bands I had ever heard.
And to our amazement we could understand them.
Every
word
they
sang.
Because they were playing . . .
Country Western Music!
I choked on my club soda. My friends had to whack me to dislodge the lime wedge. Yes, these Norwegians played some of the best Country Western music you ever wanted to hear. Only we didn’t want to hear Country Western music. Not in Norway. Heck, I don’t even like it back home! But of course when they finished their song we applauded. And we couldn’t leave. You have no idea how delighted they were to have some Americans in the audience. And they were positively ecstatic when we told them that their southern accents sounded exactly like the artists of the original songs. And so, disappointed though we were, we were trapped. We spent an entire evening in Bergen, Norway listening to Country Western music.
Maelstrom is our last Epcot ride of the day, the posted wait time is short, and within minutes we’re ready to board one of the dragon-headed 16 passenger boats. A family with two young boys and a baby climb into the front of the boat. We take a seat near the middle, and the passengers behind us are a mom with two teenage giggly gum-chewing daughters.
And guess what?! We’re going back in time! Again! First it was Spaceship Earth with the time machines, then El Rio del Tiempo – The River of Time, and now Maelstrom. I thought EPCOT stood for Experimental Prototype Community of Tomorrow. Then why are we constantly going into the past instead of the future? Per the ride description, this time we’re going back to the tenth century. We will sail to a Viking village where we will enter the shadows of a mythical Norwegian forest along the North Sea that is populated by trolls. (Not the kind you find on the internet). The ride description adds that one of the trolls will cast a spell and curse our boat. A spell! Sounds scary. Where is Harry Potter when you need him? Unfortunately, Harry Potter isn’t here, so we’ll have to deal with trolls and cursed boats on our own.
As we embark on our journey into the past, the narrator tells us that those who seek the Spirit of Norway face peril and adventure. Adventure is fine, but I’m not big on peril. Maybe on this trip we can concentrate on scenery and adventure and skip the peril part.
I’ve read a couple Harry Potter books and seen all the movies, but I can’t remember any spells that might help us if we run into trolls. It’s very dark here, probably too dark for trolls to see our boat, anyway. If we’re quiet, we may escape unnoticed. Water splashes against our boat as we drift forward in the darkness. So far so good.
Until one of the teenage girls behind us lets out a little shriek. I think she dropped her gum overboard.
Great. Nice going. Thanks for alerting the trolls that we’re here. I should have learned my lesson from Mission Space. Even though you do everything right, there’s always someone on the ride who will screw things up.
A voice booms from the darkness, “How DARE you come here? This is TROLL country.”
See? I told you that girl would get us in trouble! A three headed troll appears in the mist and waves its arms menacingly, “Go Away! Begone! I’ll cast a spell. You’ll disappear, back, back, over the falls!”
I think furiously but I can’t come up with any anti-troll spells. Then I get an idea. Maybe Country Western music frightens them off. Why else would a band in Norway learn to play it? Maybe I should try a few lines from Achy Breaky Heart, or Devil Went Down to Georgia. While I try to remember the lyrics, the current suddenly grows stronger and pushes our boat toward the falls. There’s no time to do anything but clutch Lowell’s arm. I feel the boat tilt. We are about to be swept helplessly over the brink toward the North Sea below.
But as it turns out, this is no Splash Mountain. There’s no tenth century camera to take our picture on the way down. Actually, that’s just as well, because the drop is so short there’s no time to scream. Or open your mouth. Or look afraid. We barely make a splash. No one gets wet.
Polar bears stand on their hind legs watching us hungrily as our boat drifts beyond their reach, further out to sea. Lightening illuminates the sky. Thunder booms. At least we are free of the trolls. But are we out of danger? Maybe we should be less afraid of trolls and more concerned about Viking hordes. At any moment a ship could appear, full of Vikings brandishing axes, swords and spears. When they see our small defenseless craft they will surely attack us, shouting, “What’s in YOUR wallet? I have no Capitol One card to fend them off. I doubt our Key to the World Card would protect us. Then again, maybe the Vikings will figure we have already been pillaged enough by Disney and let us go.
Vikings have a reputation for being fierce and ruthless, but I don’t quite believe it. I think they’ve gotten a bad rap, and I bet they’re tired of that “Ravening Horde” stereotype. I mean, really, how fierce can a man look wearing a mixer bowl on his head with horns glued on? Of course this headwear comes in handy at night by the bonfire when one of them wants to make a batch of brownies.
“Have a Brownie, Thor, I made them myself.”
“Thanks, Vidar, Don’t mind if I do.”
“Ummm. Delicious! Just like Mother used to make.”
“What a nice thing to say! That’s most un-ravening-horde-like of you.”
“Ravening horde, my axe!”
To me, there is something inherently funny about both pirates and Vikings. I think Disney could take almost any existing ride, add a pirate or Viking theme, and make the attraction instantly more entertaining. Let’s give it a try:
Viking Family Treehouse
Pirates of Progress
Viking Orbiter
The Hall Of Pirates
It’s a Small Viking
Honey I Shrunk the Pirate
It’s Tough to be a Viking
Country Pirate Jamboree
You see? The possibilities are endless. My musings distract me from thoughts of danger, and before long our boat returns, without further mishaps, to the Nordic Village. The ride was sort of fun, but I still don’t love it. The trolls and the cursed boat were the best part.
Our fellow passengers scramble out of the boat. We climb out last and walk slowly toward the exit. I cast a last glance over my shoulder, half hoping to be pursued by ruthless Viking hordes with swords and spears. But I suppose they’re a myth, just like the trolls. Vikings are just cuddly sensitive guys with mixer bowl helmets. I confess I’m disappointed.
There are no ravening hordes.
This is not a perilous adventure.
And Maelstrom is NOT a “Fast Pass.”
The Vikings would agree. In fact, if I asked Thor and Vidar their opinion of Maelstrom, I bet they’d snarl between bites of brownie, “Fast Pass, my axe!”
Hope that heals fast.....
Did you get to wear these while you were gone.....
krismom: You are cracking me up! The wallet on a string says it's a Dooney but remember I am Value Conscious = I bought it at a flea market for $10.00 and it was probably made in China! But I'm glad it looks nice, so thanks for the compliments! 
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I have photographic evidence, even.
