Our annual family fight over Christmas gifting begins

[Tiggeroo]

My siblings and I used to not get gifts for each other but we always bought for the nieces and nephews. There are now 15 total. I keep my gifts at an average of 25. After I remove my kids that means I have 12 to buy for which means I spend around 300. Sometimes if one of us saw something cute and little for a sibling we would pick it up, sometimes not. Several years ago we added an adult Polyanna. The limit for this is 40. If you add in birthday gifts for the nieces and nephews it gets expensive. Half of the nieces and nephews are now in college. Every year there are arguments about this whole exchange. Should the young adult children be put into the Polyanna? Cons against this are brought up such as the fact that sometimes there are adult themed joke gifts given here and the fact that these college kids are always broke. Should we stop giving gifts to the young adults? Two siblings get very upset about this because they have more young kids then older kids and they have been giving to other older kids and they think their kids will get ripped off. Every year I get stuck in the middle here as the two sides try to get me to side with them. I suggested a 13 and up Polyanna, I suggested a niece and nephew polyanna and we would draw per our number of kids and I would spend more on the gifts. (I believe the older kids would rather have one really good gift then 4 twenty buck gifts. My one sibling is really having financial stress. She can't afford to participate and really thinks it is ridiculous to be buying for so many older kids. I kind of agree with her. The problem is the two sisters won't compromise. They just say they are buying for everybody and if you don't want to do it fine. So last year there was a big fight. There was no adult polyanna, which I loved. One sibling bought a family dinner gift cert for all the other siblings and everybody else did the gifts for everybody thing. I would like to end the gifts for older kids but don't feel comfortable doing this if they are still buying for mine.
The other complication is that soon there will be engagements and weddings among the older kids. What then. I really hate confrontation, taking sides and conflict. I'm the oldest and I guess that's why they think I should solve this.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

My husband's family was consistently doing gifts--then one year they thought it wise to draw names but still buy for the grandparetns and grandkids.

It was a subtle disaster. My gift didn't show up until April the following year.

And it seemed that several people--still got gifts for everyone else anyway.

Last year was back to "normal" and this year--I have been told...there will be NO formal exchange of any kind. (yeah right--it'll still happen to some degree!)

I still will do gifts, but I'm so over the formalities.

Giving is doing something b/c you want to and think the other person will enjoy it.

I've been with my husband since 1995 and they've done Christmas lists every year I have known the family. Old habits die hard, I'm telling you!

I hated the gift lists--b/c it's like--why don't we bypass the exchange and you use your money to go buy what you want?


In any case--it takes someone to make the first move and gift giving shouldn't be about feeling you have to reciprocate.

I really don't mind--I only mind the relentless begging lists.

Gift giving is only as complicated as you allow yourself to make it. Remove the mandatory tag and I honestly think everyone is much happier. Those who enjoy the spirit of giving will continue to do so and those who hate it more than anything will stop.

 

[wdwfan16]

If every adult has gotten a gift since they were kids then set the oldest age as the age they get put into the adult pollyanna and then do the same as before for the younger kids.

 

[EthansMom]

Personally, I think it's a good time to stop giving to the kids who are over 18. Let the other family members know that's what you'll be doing this year. Don't be worry about what the other women in the family do. In a couple years, they'll likely all be doing the same thing as you, anyway.

(At least, that's the way it pretty much worked out when I suggested giving gifts to only the kids. We had one or two years where we gave no adult gifts and no one listened to us. Then, everyone else basically realized that adult gifts were kinda silly and stopped giving them.)

 

[EthansMom]

I hated the gift lists--b/c it's like--why don't we bypass the exchange and you use your money to go buy what you want?

That's why we stopped giving gifts to adults.... We all had enough money that if there was something we REALLY wanted, we could (and would) just go buy it. We found that we were spending several hundred dollars each holiday season on gifts (and shipping!) that people didn't really want/need. And they were doing the same on gifts that we know we didn't want/need.

Our last Christmas exchanging gifts with adults, DH and I were living on our own far from family. We opened our Christmas gifts (that had been shipped to us from across the U.S.) and literally had to get a box to start putting gifts aside for donation to the Goodwill as we opened them. That was how many gifts we go that showed no thought about us and our interests (an entire Christmas village made from candles... I don't care for candles; a butter knife with a plastic moosehead handle so uncomfortable it was unuseable; a used chia head....). We'd rather have our relatives call us to say that they are thinking about us then spend their money on junk to give us.

 

[SpectroMouse]

I am not sure of the ages of the younger kids in your group, but it may not matter. There are 16 neices and nephews in my family, and a few years ago we came up with a system that seems to really work. I have only one child and the group ages range from 2 - 15. We put all of the kids names in a pot and draw names, which is nothing special---- but we actually let the kids draw the names, which is a surprisingly fun for them! They get a big kick out of knowing that they are getting a gift for their cousin and watching them open gifts is amazing -- the giver is just as excited as the child getting the gift! I know that your situation is different with older kids, but I would think a college age person would have just as much fun picking out a gift for a cousin. You can set whatever price limit you like on the gift, and that way no one ends up buying more gifts than the number of children they have. I would say to keep older kids in until maybe 21??? After that I think it starts to get harder with boy/girlfriends, fiancees and that sort of thing! Our one stipulation has been that everybody buys for babies first christmas, and they are not included in the draw! (You cannot deprive an aunt of shopping for a new baby)

Adult gifts are a much harder situation, I am not sure what a pollyanna is, so forgive me if this makes no sense, but what about adults (21+) draw names. But rather than buying each other gifts, you can buy each other a christmas ornament. This gives everyone something to open, and is not very expensive. It also works as you can be as personal as you want. You can get your sister something special that will always be treasured, but on the year you have your neices boyfriend you pick up an ornament of a favorite sports team or hobby! Adults could just opt out if they don't like the idea. I think it would be nice for the young adults as they would not have to spend a lot of money to buy gifts for family during the 'young broke years', but they would also be building a priceless collection. Who wouldn't love to be able to open a box of memories every year as they decorate their christmas tree!

This post is much longer than I intended, sorry if I rambled! Hope that helps a little!

 

[SC Minnie]

DH's family is very large and have done the draw names for the adults for years and years but children were up to the parents to buy for. Now that the children are getting older, once they graduate from high school they can opt in to the adult name draw. Some have chosen to opt in at that time and some have chosen to wait.

My family is small, only 4 grandchildren- my bro has 3 and I have 1 so I always end up spending more but that's OK. As the kids have gotten older I tend to just get them GC because I have no idea what they want/need.


Maybe you can suggest that once the 'kids' reach 21 or marry which every comes first they are thrown into the adult category.

 

[HM]

I feel your pain. Here's how we do it.

In my DHs family, we bought for everybody for years. I was the last marriage edition to the family and unfortunately had to be the one to suggest a swap after several years of being overwhelmed with buying for people we saw seldom (which was greeted with gusto....thank god).

We changed to an exchange for the siblings and spouses. Pick a name, buy them a gift.
We continued to buy for each of the (grand)kids.

Then we changed it so that the adults still did the swap, but we also added a child swap amongst the (grand)kids.

Now my kids are the youngest (14 and 16 this year) and last year I suggested (me again!) that we add all the kids in with the adults and just swap amongst the group. Also met with gusto! So I now only have to buy four gifts a year for my DH's side of the family (where I used to have to buy 15).

The only people we all continue to buy for are the grandparents (my husband's parents). But last year all their 'kids' went in together on a group gift.


On my side of the family. Swap between siblings and spouses. Still buy for each kid (range from my 16 yr old to a 6 month old).

 

[SpectroMouse]

If you can believe after all that, I have another idea! I have a group of friends that still purchased gifts for each other, but things were getting harder as we added fiancees, husbands and kids. We were also now working and mostly just purchase the things we want for ourselves, so we ended up buying each other unneccessary or useless stuff! Four years ago, we decided to put an end to that and instead use the money we would have spent on adopting a family in need! It has been extremely fun for us, and I imagine very special for those we help. In these tough economic times even a little would go a long way!
In the past we have 'adopted' a single family (mom with kids) and purchased some needed items (snow pants, gloves, pjs), some fun stuff (games, toys, beauty products for mom), and provided a meal for the holiday (either prepared or just groceries). The family will provide whichever agency you go through a wish list for you to work from!

Another year we 'adopted' from a local home for children in our area. The agency provided us with Christmas lists for about 10 children. In our case the children we were shopping for were the most severly abused children in the facility, they were in such danger that many were kept there anonymously so family could not locate them. We just split the money we collected evenly between each of the children and tried to purchase as much from their list as possible. It was heartbreaking to see an 8 year old boy with a gold heart necklace on his list (he wanted to give it to his mom for Christmas).

Another year we provided the stockings for each of the children in the home, about 40. This was pretty simple, we tried to choose one small personal item from each of their lists, and then provided age appropriate items, and some practical items like fun toothbrushes and of course candy!

I don't know if you and your family are all in the same area, but if you are, this can be really fun for your whole family. We have always designated a leader, sounds like that would be you in your family. All the other participants donate whatever dollar amount they would like to spend and then the leader and 'the team shoppers' go out and purchase the items. We are all in the same area, so we all get together the week before the delivery and wrap each gift and assemble gift bins for each child/ or personalize and put together the stockings.

This option may work out for your family, as each member can contribute what ever amount they want. Even the college student can go to the local dollar store and pick out some stocking stuffer items.

I apologized for rambling before, but apparently that is just my style

 

[Tiggeroo]

Thanks for the many good suggestions. The problem is I just don't see everybody ever agreeing. The two sisters are determined to keep buying for the nieces and nephews forever. One of them is in a much higher income bracket then everybody else and kind of likes to flaunt it. My brother's wife is determined to end it. She claims that nobody she knows buys for this many people. They are stressed financially, sort of. They have had several big setbacks this year. They spend huge amounts of money on their own children for Christmas. At least 1000. apiece. So it looks bad when they say they can't afford gifts for their nieces and nephews. What happens is on the holidays we all gather in a big room and their is a hugs production as each aunt and uncle hand out their gifts to individual kids. They open them and show them around. For the person who opts out it would look terrible. When we say no gifts for adults there is always one person who does it anyway. It's a mess. I need spiked egg nog already thinking about it.
My SIL has already approached me about getting this settled. She gets quite upset about it. She doesn't want to go to our family gathering because of this.

 

[wdwfan16]

Can you get all the siblings together soon to work out what to do and then the majority rules?

 

[luvmy3]

We have 16 nieces and nephews on one side of my family and a few years ago we decided to pick names. All of the kids at the time were under 18 so there wasn't an issue but now there are a couple that are over, one is 20. I haev no idea when we will stop doing it for the older kids, but at this point its not too much of a hardship for any of our families. I am so thankful that everyone agreed that buying for 16 kids was just too much.

OP, what about family gifts, like a board game, movie tix, video game, something that all the kids in one family along with their parents can use.

 

[dzorn]

If they are still in school then we buy for them. Otherwise they are considered adults and only get homemade things from DDs.

Denise in MI

 

[sue1013]

It took years of trying for the gift giving to change in DH's family. The last 3 years everyone's name goes in the hat and everyone picks one name, adults and children. DH's sister was the big complainer that her kids wouldn't get enough (she has the youngest kids). Until I told her we all knew MIL bought extra gifts for her kids and gave them on the sneak. My side we have done the same thing for quite a few years. We started because of my Mom she had 16 grandkids to buy for it was just too expensive for her on her fixed income. It works out very well even the younger kids get a thrill out of picking out a gift for their aunt or uncle.

 

[2binak]

I come from a very large family. We used to buy everyone gifts for Christmas and it got very time and money consuming. A few years ago, my siblings finally got on board with my suggestion to do a polyanna as you call it, for anyone over the age of 18. Anyone under 18 still gets gifts from the adults.

We all put our names in a hat and everyone draws a name. A parent cannot get their child though so if they draw their child's name, it goes back in and they draw again. It's really very simple.

DH's family does the same thing with the same age cut off - 18. As the kids get older, they get really excited to be a part of the gift swap.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I married into a large family myself. It freaked me out and made me want to go hide thinking about presents for everyone and anyone. Heck I can't even name everyone that is there!

They also do a name drawing. The adult siblings(my husband's aunts and uncles as there are 9 original and then all that married) each exchange names. Then the children under 18 exchange names with someone else under 18. The adult nieces and nephews can opt in if we want but not pressured to.

I don't know the ages of children but what about doing a family swap names. You can even do it twice to receive more than just one gift. Your family could pick the name of one brother Bob and his family and your sister Susie and her family. You would still be buying for their children, adult or not, just not all the children.

My husband is the OLDEST of 33 grandchildren and that doesn't count the spouses like myself. His grandparents buy for every single person. Well we(the adult grandchildren) all get a Christmas ornament and a box of candy and a check. The children grandchildren all get an ornament, some candy and a present that was picked out by the parent with money from the grandparents. Imagine the confusion in this house.

 

[golfgal]

We draw names for the adults and the kids draw names for the kids. The oldest grandchild is 17 (our DS) so he is still in with the kids. I don't know when he will move over to the adult part, maybe when he graduates from college??

Grandma and Grandpa buy for all of the grandkids but they are in the drawing for the adults. If you have Godchildren in the family you also buy for them. It works just fine with no issues at all. The kids LOVE to figure out just the right present for their cousins. I think they are more excited to see their cousins open the presents they pick out than anything.

 

[Abbie]

OP, you have my heartfelt sympathies! In my DH's family, I was the one who finally suggested the adults quit the gift exchange years ago. I even was hoping maybe everyone could donate the amount they would have spent and then on Christmas tell the rest where their donation went and why. Well that went over like a lead balloon! So I kept quiet that year and participated but then my DH and I just decided enough was enough and made it clear we would not be doing this the following year.

No matter what you decide (and you do have to decide for yourselves what you WANT to do) there will be friction but I'm here to tell you that it can be done and become so much better!!

What we do now would not work for every family I'm sure but our entire family really enjoys it! Each family member buys a generic gift to exchange (we have three kids, so we buy 5 gifts for our family). There is a $5 limit per gift. Now I know both the "generic gift" part and the $5 limit sound impossible but you know what, it's really fun to stretch your brain a little and find stuff! I have good luck with gadgety stuff from kitchen stores, or little games, or food gifts......the favorite one year was when we bought a 12 pack of toilet paper! That made this enormous wrapped gift that everyone wanted! We have anywhere from 20-40 people participating, from young to old, and we play the "snatching game" where all the gifts fly around the room (wrapped) until everyone is out and you keep the one think you will like best. Then we unwrap starting from oldest to youngest and have a good laugh at some of the items.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

 

[2binak]

What we do now would not work for every family I'm sure but our entire family really enjoys it! Each family member buys a generic gift to exchange (we have three kids, so we buy 5 gifts for our family). There is a $5 limit per gift. Now I know both the "generic gift" part and the $5 limit sound impossible but you know what, it's really fun to stretch your brain a little and find stuff! I have good luck with gadgety stuff from kitchen stores, or little games, or food gifts......the favorite one year was when we bought a 12 pack of toilet paper! That made this enormous wrapped gift that everyone wanted!

DH's family does a variation of this. They set the limit at $20 and everyone tries to buy the tackiest, funniest gift they can find. Yes - we've even had TP & paper towels given as gifts. It is sooooo much fun! It's for the 18 and older crowd. The 18 and unders still get gifts from everyone.

 

[1-disneyfan]

Boy oh Boy, do I feel your pain My husband is from a larger family and all his siblings have at least 3 kids....one has 7! we only have 1 DD6 the youngest of the family. We have "tried" I think it all! buying for family, gift exchange, kids gift exchange, setting a spending limit (problem with that one was limit 50.00 siblings buying things that were orginally 50.00 the Christmas before, on clearance for 10.00 after ) This year has been hard on the whole family, two family members losing jobs. However, that being said, I am one of those people that loves to give gifts So, this year I am making each family a calendar with family photos and I love baking, so some yummies to go with it. The "kids" that are now over 18, are considered adults. Younger ones I will still buy. I know how much it means to my DD and it really doesn't matter what it is, she just loves her Auntie's and Uncle's so much. To get something they thought she would love is the greatest. Best of luck to you and your family maybe, it's time to remind them what Christmas is really about not arguing Ahh, family, nothing like it.